NSBR: What can I do??

[crystalbella77]

So I know that I don't know many of you here, but hopefully someone will have some advise!

My IL's are insane. Really. lol! There is too much info to post right now, so I will try to make this short. (but I am a total rambler, so I don't know.....lol!!)

Every time we see them they ask if they can have our kids alone. They don't want anything to do with me at all. They have openly talked about how they don't agree with the way we raise them (we are just way more laid back than they are....I would even say that they are/were semi abusive). We told them that they couldn't have our children alone until they spend some time with all of us as family and showed an actual interest in our lives. They go on and on about how they like to have my SIL's kids because they can "un-teach" some of the things she does with them. I feel like they must want our kids so they can do the same with them because they only want to see them alone. They don't want to come over and visit us as a family or anything.

They call all the time and ask to have them spend the night, and when we see them they ask to have the kids by themselves.......It never ends!!! I just don't know what else to say to them. We already told them no but they will not stop asking!! And they have started asking Gabe (who is 4) "When is your mommy going to let you come down and spend the night?" and you know how four year olds are!! So now Gabe asks me constantly!! What else can I say to them??!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!! :D

[Kimberly's Mommy]

I think I would just have to be nasty and put my foot down and tell them that until they can spend time with you as a family that it was not going to happen and that they needed to stop saying things to your kids about it. That's not fair and not going to get you to cave to them any faster.

And I'm sorry that they are doing that to you. Stand you ground though girl. Especially if you feel that they are "semi abusive" your kids don't need to be spending time alone in a house like that. No matter how laid back you might be compared to them they have no right to question how you decide to raise your kids. That is between you and your hubby not them.

[lovely1m]

You know how I feel about this, Crystal, I can't believe they are still asking you!

[crystalbella77]

You know how I feel about this, Crystal, I can't believe they are still asking you!

I know!!!! It's so insane!!!! :cursing:

[kscwgirl]

um.. yeah. I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms that they cannot have your kids. Period. That's just wrong. Sorry you're dealing with that hon.

[jene]

um.. yeah. I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms that they cannot have your kids. Period. That's just wrong. Sorry you're dealing with that hon.

I agree!!! If you don't feel comfortable with them being there alone with them then don't let them be!!

[meems]

oh that sounds kinda creepy almost. stand your ground. I'm assuming DH feels the same way as you do?

[crystalbella77]

oh that sounds kinda creepy almost. stand your ground. I'm assuming DH feels the same way as you do?

I know!!! I think it does too! It's so weird!!! And yes, he agrees....and he hasn't let them take the kids, but his parents are so manipulative and they always take him aside to ask him about it when I am not around because they know I will put my foot down. We were talking about it tonight and I told him that I would be the one to stand up to them and really be forceful as long as he was completely prepared to have my back....which he said he was.

[meems]

i suppose moving far far away is not an option?

[crystalbella77]

i suppose moving far far away is not an option?

We have talked about it just because of them! lol!! but we aren't at a place where we can do that right now. :(

[LolaLovesLife]

How about really thinking about guidelines that would have to be met before you (and dh) would say yes. Maybe 3 months of two times a week get togethers or something. Something that would show they are really making an effort, in order to get the reward.

With this guideline in place you have a definitive answer for both your inlaws and your four year old. No budging, it is fair and gives them to opportunity to actually get to be around your entire family and bond a bit more.

Good luck!

[nun69]

I would say that youjust really need to get nasty with them...I know that would suck, but if they are not willing to follow the same rules as you are, then they don't need to have your kids alone...unless you can make sure to set some rules, then they will just not get to spend time with your kids...sad to say, but they will realize int he long run that it is THEIR loss and not yours...

[Voodoo_Bryn]

My IL's are crazy, too... (and here visiting as a matter of fact, ugh) anyway...
I'd tell your IL's that until they can stop inappropriately asking my toddler when he can come stay the night without asking me first, they won't have any further contact with them.

You have to be strong and forceful with people like that in order to garner their respect. They might not ever like you, but you need to have them respect you. They're your kids, so you'll need to be stronger for them than you would for yourself, I had to learn that, too.

Good luck!

[NettieB]

I'd tell your IL's that until they can stop inappropriately asking my toddler when he can come stay the night without asking me first, they won't have any further contact with us.

You have to be strong and forceful with people like that in order to garner their respect. They might not ever like you, but you need to have them respect you. They're your kids, so you'll need to be stronger for them than you would for yourself, I had to learn that, too.

Good luck!

Go, Bryn! I second what she said. A similar issue with my mom was not resolved until my DH "put his foot down". In this case, your DH may have to as well (rather than it always being you).

Also, in your spare time (LOL), I really found this book helpful for dealing with emotional vampires in my life - Boundaries (http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html) by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Hang in there!

[Hom74]

Argh! Sorry, not much help here....my mom is similar in that she pushes her opinions on others. Even for little things...like thinking my BIL and my nephew's hair was too long, she just said, "You need to cut your/his hair." That's rude in my opinion. She's always like that..."You NEED to..." Even the times she phrases it more nicely, "Don't you think you need to cut your hair?" (btw...she has NEVER said that in that example.) and you say "No, because...." it's like she DOESN'T EVEN LISTEN to what you just said because she will ask the question again...and again...and again. It gets me mad to no end...as well as my sister.

Anyways. The only thing I can say is to NOT give in. If you give in and change your stance, she might see it as a weakness and that your mind's can be changed and that may only make her more persistent in the future on other things.

You and your DH can think of some scripts to answering her questions.
"No, DD does not do sleepovers."
"As we've mentioned before, DD does not do sleepovers."
"Whatever you need to say to MY daughter, you can say in front of me."

And if it was my mom, I would probably take her aside either in person, by phone, or by email and tell her that she needs to stop asking DD when she's going to stay over. I would tell her that I've told her our family rule (no sleepovers), and if she can't remember that we are going to have to limit visiting (ok, that's harsh, probably wouldn't say that lol). And I'd probably bring it to her attention that if she's not able to remember this one simple request of mine, that how can I trust her to respect my rules when it comes to my daughter?

I probably won't say that to my MIL though lol.

ETA: It's harder when they've got your kids constantly asking you. If it was my daughter I'd say something like, "Your bed is at home dear, that's where you sleep." "If so-and-so wants to spend more time with you, they can see you when we visit." And if for some reason it gets really bad, like my girls REALLY wanted to sleep in the same building as my grandma, I would then say, "Would you like grandma to spend the night over here?" haha. And then say that grandma can sleep on the couch during your sleepover. But I probably wouldn't mention the having grandma sleepover with us...because I really don't want her sleeping overnight in my place lol.

[Paula]

Girl, I can so relate to your in-law woes. If I were you, I would stand my ground firm. You are the mother of your children and if you don't feel right about them staying the night with them, especially knowing that they will blatantly undermine your rules, I would NOT let them stay the night and I don't care if this is their grandparents. Anyone that will not respect you and your rules with YOUR children has no business asking if they can spend the night or anything else.

As for the taking DH aside, I've had to deal with that since my marriage 20 years ago. There really isn't anything that you can do about that unless you and DH make a pact that he will never be alone with them. Most of the time it works.

Just stay firm and tell them no. As long as your DH has your back and you have his - they will eventually get the message. Mine finally did two years ago.

[iJenny]

Ugh, I can relate to your situation in the way that we do NOT trust my in-laws with our children. And they wouldn't follow any "guidelines" we set down for when they had our boys so we finally had to just stop letting them be alone with them.
You know (without us even telling you) that they should not be alone with your kids. Firstly, because they have made it clear that they plan to undermine your parenting and "unteach" your child. And secondly, because it sounds like the "un-teaching" could be something borderline abusive. So, when it comes to you inlaws, simply stand your ground and say no. Over and over again if you have to. And, if it comes down to it, get nasty. Because here's the thing.... you teach people how to treat you. And if you let them think that they can get away with it, they will keep pushing until they get what they want.
Now, when it comes to them trying to "manipulate" your daughter... that is BEYOND unacceptable. Not only because it puts you in a very difficult position (explaining a complicated situation to a 4-year-old) but because its not healthy for her. Look at it this way.... your inlaws are basically telling your daughter its them or us. They're making her choose emotionally which "side" she's going to be on. And you'd better be damn sure that she's on your side. Because you know whats best for her and they, obviously, don't. What they're doing is just plain evil and for their own selfish gain at the expense of your daughter. So, tell them that they cannot see her anymore PERIOD if they continue to drag her into it. You are her parents and you must do what it takes to protect her.
Here's the bottom line.... everyone has toxic people in their lives. Some people, unfortunately, are related to those toxic people. But being blood related to someone doesn't mean you have to allow them to poison your life. If I were you, I'd cut them out if they don't show some major change.
Sorry if I was a bit abrupt. But I'm so passionate about this topic because I've had to deal with it. You're a very lucky woman that your DH is on your side. Stay strong, hon. You're doing the right thing.