Discouraged for my son

ok, so this will probably sound like a strange problem, but I really need to vent, so here goes. I am discouraged about the boys that my son has in his class. For the most part, he doesn't seem to want to be friends with them, and honestly, I can't blame him. They just all seem so immature compared to him -- destructive, hyper, unable to carry on a conversation, impolite, don't listen to instructions.

Don't get me wrong, my DS is no angel -- he's noisy and active and annoying like little boys can be. He is stubborn and hates to clean up. But, he doesn't purposely try to break things (like the little boy we had over for a playdate who immediately started smashing my son's Lego creations), he doesn't hit or push other kids (because we have drilled that into his brain), he shares with others, he listens and responds to you when you speak to him. He says please and thank you when he remembers. In short, he's a nice kid.

So, my son ends up playing with the girls in his class, because I guess (1) his only sibling is an older sister, so that seems normal to him and (2) because they are better behaved and more mature than the boys. But WTH!? He can't be the only nice 6 year old boy out there in world! Or in our town, I mean we live in a very upscale neighborhood -- these aren't latch-key kids who are left to fend for themselves out on the streets! Is it some kind of parent attitude that "boys will be boys", so you just let them be little savages?

I'm just not sure if I should do anything about it or just let it be for now. I arranged this playdate yesterday with a kid who I thought was a nice kid and who then spent most of the time at our house torturing our guinea pigs, smashing stuff and not listening to anything anyone told him. As he's walking out the door, he goes back to the kitchen and takes the rest of the cookies from the snack that ended an hour before. Sigh. Back to the old drawing board.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening and I welcome any suggestions, even if it's just to back off and let him work it out for himself.

oh, no. I don't know what advice to give you; my boy is only 21 months old, lol. but i do think you should pride yourself on how you raised your boy to be a good kid. I do think boys will be boys, but i do think there should be a limit to that, lol. I don't think there is anything wrong with him playing with girls. My two best friends pretty much through all of my school years were boys. I hope he can find a friend, girl or boy, that is polite and mature like him!

this is the exact same problem we have in our houshold. seems like parents these days just don't expect much from their kids (esp boys). i hear a lot of, "that's boys for ya" and "boys are just rowdy...let them be". i actually had a man at mc d's tell me to lay off my boys cause they weren't standing still next to me in line and i reprimanded them. WHAT?!?!? anywho...i share your pain. i am over parents not parenting their kids, thus having destructive, disrespecting, disobedient children! this is mine and my childrens biggest complaint! even my 5 year old after his first day of school yesterday was like, "mom, the kids in my class are naughty. they needed more time out!".

so there you have it from a 5 year old, who gets life and whos parents actually parent him! my 7 year old also plays with some girls at school. he does not do naughty kids. and my 10 year old dd is OVER kids!!! they all drive her nuts!!

oh and he'll work it out...the nice kids will find eachother. mine get discouraged too, but it all pans out. i feel like a lot of the time mine may not ever find kids on their same level, but they do...eventually.

Aw, Dawn I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer, just support and instincts. And my instincts say "just keep swimming". Obviously you're raising a very thoughtful and responsible son. I agree with Lizzy in that the behavior of the boys he's encountered so far is less "boys will be boys" and more indicative of overly loose parenting. My instincts also say that he will work it out over time and find friends that he enjoys and who aren't so disrespectul and willy nilly. In the mean time, keep on doing what you're doing..encourage him, if he has girlfriends he enjoys-cool, and keep trying with the playdates and such. Or maybe get him involved in some shared activity like T-ball or something?..maybe friendships will blossom with the shared experience and you'll find some kids whose parents are parenting on the same page as you are.

GL!

oh that's hard!! I don't have school age kids so they mostly just play with each other, but I do feel bad for you. It does seem liks there are a lot of people that have pretty low standards for boys though and just use the mantra "boys will be boys". It's quite sad!

I am sure that your sweet little guy will find the other good boys and warm up to them soon.

Boy are naturally more physical, but that's why parents are there... to teach them what is appropriate. And unfortunately, parents are getting way too lax and permissive with their children and it shows. Being a Family Studies and Human Development major, I've studied this a bit and more adn more parents are more concerned about "letting children be children" or being their kid's best friend so they let them do whatever they want. It's sad, really.

Sorry, no advice here though. But good for you on raising a good boy!

I have this same problem with my oldest boy that just started the 1st grade! I never expected him to the best behaved kid in Kindergarten last year - he is pretty much a wild boy at home - but he was the only one to never "pull a card"! This year is starting out the very same way and unfortunately one boy from his class last year that can't ever finish his work or keep his mouth shut is in his class again and sits right next to him! All I can do is hope that he doesn't "rub off" too much on my son?!

My boys are certainly boys, but they also understand that school is a place to learn and respect others - home is where is where they go loco! LOL

This is a hard one but I think you have a good start with a child that listens and cares. I would give him praise for picking good friends. I might ask the teacher if she sees a problem.

I like the advise to keep swimming. As long as he has your support, he will be fine.

it's the total opposite for me... my dd (10) would rather hang with the boys. LOL not that she's wild, just that she's a tomboy and not into the girly things like makeup and High School Musical. She never feels completely comfortable around the girls - girls are vicious creatures! She has had lots of trouble with them picking on her. She is turning into a nerd too, I can just see it. hahaha she is already in the book club and now asking to join choir. Not that I'm against it, I was a choir geek myself for many years.

I can't really help - my son is just 9 months old, but I have to tell you I take my responsibility as a parent VERY seriously and intend to do whatever I can to raise my children with manners and with respect and compassion for those around me, and especially my son, to teach him RESPONSIBILITY.
There are a lot of boys in our neighbourhood who are always on the playground, and I have now had to say to my daughter (3) that we won't go to the playground when those boys are on it (we can see the playground from our window) because they are SO MEAN! They push her, throw rocks at her, will sit on the slide when she obviously wants to go down. She'll ask them nicely to move please, and even when I go to ask them to give my daughter a turn on the slide, please, they say NO. What can I do? I don't want my daughter or son picking up these habits.

I say let your son play with the girls for now... if he's happy with that. It is really sad that there are not more nice boys in his class, I hope you find someone soon who is suitable for playdates!!

You can come play with us!! We have a similar problem! In fact, I could have posted this myself - we had our first soccer practice last night, and the three other boys on the team immediately started kicking each other, wrestling each other to the ground, all while the coach was giving instructions. Ugggh!

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have that boy over again because I wouldn't want the bad influence around my son. Or maybe you could give it one more try, but give some very specific rules at the beginning of the play date?

Dawn, I think your boy and mine would be great friends. I teach mine to be polite, to share, not to be distructive, and while he has his moments, he is NOT like the other boys. He is calmer, likes quiet more than they do, and has no interest in physical fighting. He reads, he plays legos.

I have decided to leave him be, to let him be his own person. I know it's hard, I feel sometimes as if my DS will be tortured in school because he's quiet and likes to see the best in people, even if there's no "best" to be seen (see my thread from yesterday). He is generally non confrontational, and it would never occur to him to throw rocks or hurt someone.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's hard when the other kids just can't behave. I think there are a lot of kids out there who aren't taught what is appropriate, I would hope that my boy wouldn't behave that way at someone else's home. I am sure your little guy will find some friends that like the things he likes, at least that's what I'm hoping for Benjamin. ((hugs))...I totally understand.

Thank you guys for your responses -- it really helps just to be able to "talk" about it and get some feedback. I know that he will find his way, but it's so hard to sit by and watch! I am going to volunteer in his classroom, so maybe I'll be able to get a better handle on which kids I should "steer" him toward!

yes! we are here! good parents of well-behaved children- UNITE!!!

Oh Dawn, sorry your boy is going through this. It's every parent's thorn on the side to have to deal with this. It's bad enough you have to send them out there to fend for themselves but it's even worse to have bullies run them around. It kinda goes against what you work so hard to teach them not to be.

I don't have any advice for you as I'm going through something different with mine and just riding it out, but it helps to talk about it and know that you're in the company of great people here who understand.

Hugs to you and your family.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like I do him a disservice by teaching him to "gentle" and respectful around other kids. Maybe only the strong and aggressive thrive in this day and age. Are we conscientious parents actually putting our kids at a disadvantage? That's a scary thought.

no way!!! those crazy a$$ kids grow up to be crazy people. plain and simple. even if my kids are the only non-ignorant ones standing in the end. i prefer it that way!

I have the same problem...shame we dont all live in the same town! My 4 yr old is polite, well behaved, nice and friendly...

I babysit another 4 yr old boy who is a monster...the boys next door who are 4 and 5 are monsters...my BFF's son is a brat.

I don't understand how people can watch their children be rude and demanding to adults, not be nice to other children or animals, destroy toys that are not theirs...and allow it to continue...

Soooooo frustrating. We'll see what kind of kids he meets in Pre-K

I feel for you. My DS is almost 5, and I think we're going to have this issue when he goes to public school, too. At home my DS is a bundle of energy and not as well behaved as I'd like, but he knows what's expected of him and how to get it together and behave when he's in school. I agree with the others--let him be friends with the girls or whoever he's interested in befriending now, and eventually he'll find some like-minded boys to be friends with.

Yes, some kids are running a little wild because of parenting, but I also want to throw in my $.02 about not just automatically blaming parents. My DS goes to a cooperative preschool, so in general the parents there want to be more involved in their children's lives than most parents are. I've gotten to know many of the families well, both children and parents. Some of the parents are parenting very well, doing all the things they should be and trying hard to help their children learn manners and self control, yet the children just aren't getting it yet for reasons of personality, immaturity, or who knows what else.

My son is the same way. At home he goofs-off and has fun, but he knows what is acceptable and what is not. In fact, he gives us a report everyday about what the "bad" kids did in class. When he came home on Monday and said his class was great because everyone was good, I was thrilled. But a new boy entered his class and Jack told me today he was, "super bad and didn't listen at all."

However, we do have our moments around here. Yesterday the boys (they are 19 mths apart) were fighting over something and all of a sudden Jack started shouting, "SHARING IS CARING, SHARING IS CARING!!!!" LOL it totally cracked me up!!!

I agree with the others, the good ones always seem to find each other.

my son seems to be a lot gentler and better behaved than other boys too. He seems to play best with girls and boys who do not have older brothers LOL.

Is he in kinder or first grade? I can say if he has a good teacher, those rowdy boys will be corralled in no time (and thought they may still misbehave at playdates, they'll be good for teacher). I know how discouraging that can be, but it'll work itself out as the teacher gets things in order and the other boys mature. HTH!

DawnMarch said:

Yeah, sometimes I feel like I do him a disservice by teaching him to "gentle" and respectful around other kids. Maybe only the strong and aggressive thrive in this day and age. Are we conscientious parents actually putting our kids at a disadvantage? That's a scary thought.

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I've thought about this also, and it makes me concerned that he's not "tough" enough or assertive enough.

Aww Dawn, I don't have any advice but wanted to give you a *hug*