SOOOO mad

So we're having the Halloween party at my best friend's house, and we're staying there because "home" for us is 8 hours away. (We're currently in Northern California while he gets situated with a new job, but all of our family and friends are in Southern California)

So, every year, my BFF and I have co-hosted an annual Halloween party and this is the first year it will be at their new house that they just bought. She's my family, as I don't really speak to my actual family, I haven't even seen my brother in 6 years.

Since we have a toddler and an infant, we're inviting a couple of our friends with other toddlers and I added on the invite that they should bring their kids, and the babies can sleep in the guest room that we're staying in with my two little ones while we have the party.

Apparently, I stepped over the line with my BFF's boyfriend who thought I should have asked permission before I just offered their guestroom to people. And wanted my BFF to "speak to me about it".
:cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing:

First of all, it's not "people" I offered the guest room to, it's the under age 2 set. Second of all, it's my party, too, I'm a co-host, that makes me the hostess as well, not a guest. Third of all, she's my family, who the heck does he think he is????

Added note: he and I have never gotten along well, we've called a very shaky truce for the last year, however. (and they don't have any kids)

I'm so mad, now I don't want to stay there with them, and I'm not sure if I want to even have the party either. But all of the invites are out already. I'm shaky, I'm that mad, ready to cry.

I've probably overreacted and I should just apologize and promise to "ask" from now on, but I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here!

I have to be honest, I would have asked first before assuming that was okay. Even with family, or friends who are like family. I don't doubt your BFF's man is a jerk and all but, in all honesty, I don't think he's out of line in being a bit put out by this. You're obviously very close with your friend and maybe it's something that wouldn't have been an issue before he came along but, like it or not, it's his house too.

Sorry, Bryn. I hate situations like this too, and it's always awkward when someone you're so close to is with someone you really don't like. {{{{hugs}}}}

Joan said:

I have to be honest, I would have asked first before assuming that was okay. Even with family, or friends who are like family.

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I really should rephrase this, because it makes it sound like I would never do something like this, which is not true. And if I had, I'd probably be feeling a lot like you are now, Bryn. But, ultimately, I'd hope I'd accept that I overstepped my bounds a little.

The real issue here is your BFF's man, and how you and he feel about each other. It would appear that as long as she's with him, there's going to be a lot of awkwardness. I guess you have to decide how much you want to let that affect your friendship, and how much you can put up with for her sake. If it's a personality clash, but the relationship is good for her, I'd make the effort. On the other hand, if you think it's not a good relationship and she's making a mistake, I know I'd probably put up with very little of it. Never an easy situation either way.

Anyway, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I do know how hard it can be. I just had to be honest that, in this particular sitation, I think it's only fair to look at it from his perspective, even if you don't like the guy.

blah I'm sorry bryn.. I know you were looking forward to this and all that jazz based on your other post too. I hope you guys can settle this shizz.

It's just... if my two very little ones are crashed out on the bed, what does it matter if two other very little ones are crashed out, too?

He doesn't have kids, so he doesn't know what it's like to go anywhere not knowing if there's going to be a place for your kids to nap, or what they're going to eat or where they're going to eat or if there's a private place for you to breastfeed, etc.

He's not good for her, and she's stated before that she's just "settling" but they've bought a house together and it now looks like no amount of crowbarring I do is going to split them up, so I just have to back down and deal with it. Which is difficult because she gets along so well with my man, so she can't see it from my perspective.

Now she's hurt that I don't want to stay there, but I feel like he's just tolerating me for her and it's hard to stay somewhere with two small kids where you're just barely tolerated.

I don't know what to do. I've always been very expressive and tend to explode into a fiery volcano when I'm angered, only to feel really bad for Pompeii when I'm done. =(

you offered up their guest room to a couple toddlers? wtheck! i tend to be an ask/overly conscience type of person and i don't think it was out of line at all! i hope it all works out! i know how excited you were and stuff. HUGS!

I think that you and your friend need to talk. And that you and her man need to talk too. While I personally don't think you were out of line (I have clsoe friends like that too and wouldn't dream of being upset if I were in the same position), I do think that for the sake of the party you should apologize. You can even say it int hat way that says I'm not really sorry but we need to past this like, I'm sorry for not asking first but since my kiddos were going to be in there and several of our other friends would be in a similar situation I didn't see the problem. You should talk to her about his attitude toward you and that you didn't appreciate his handling of the situation.

You've already avoided Pompeii, so you might as well just take 2 more steps back and calm down some more. There's no reason why you can't play nice and still get to enjoy your party (which we all know you were really looking forward to).

Oh Bryn that does suck! I am so sorry that you have to deal with this! I honestly wouldn't see any problem to let some kiddos sleep in the guest room so the parents can attend the party. It isn't like you invited the whole family to stay with them.

I hope you can get it all worked out hon! ((hugs))

I wouldnt be upset but I do know some people who would be in teh same situation. Bottom line though is she is like your family and sometimes even when we are not wrong/dont think we are wrong we need to apologize to our friends and family to make things right again. The thing I really do not agree with is him asking your best friend to say something. If she was not the one with the problem and it was just him he should have said something and not asked her to. its not right to kinda put her in the middle of a conflict between him and you. Hope you get it worked out though.

ETA:What I meant up there is I would not be upset if you had done that...not that you shouldnt be upset. I think you have every right to be upset with him.

I am so sorry Bryn! I know you were so excited!!!

It sounds to me like a power trip.

If y'all have a shaky relationship and now he finally 'belongs,' in the sense that they have a house together and he now has as much relationship with her as you do, it sounds like he's more upset over the principle of the thing and to show, although probably subconsciously, that now HE is the boss, at least when it comes to his party in his house, and he wants you to be submissive towards him perhaps like he has had to submissive to you in the past when it comes to who's known your BFF longer/has more of a bond with her.

KWIM?

For the sake of your friend-family & your infamous party, I would as sincerely as possible fake apologize so you can move on with your plans. He doesn't have to KNOW you don't mean it, now does he?

It's just not the right time or situation to make an issue out of him v. you, so I would just make peace since the party is important to you and later use this as an example, if necessary, when discussing this relationship with your BFF.

HTH!

This is my final say on the matter:

Fine.
We'll stay there, but it's so I can spend more time with you.
But tell him I said this, "I apologize for not asking you if it was okay if a couple of toddlers napped in the guest room, I won't do it again."
In those exact words.
I'm sorry that he put it on you to set me straight, it put you in an awkward position and I was wrong to blow up at you. I hope next year we'll have the option of having it at my house so some of the pressure will be off you guys.
I'm sorry things got so strained.
Now back to business as usual, okay?

I don't want to host another party at their house again, though. We're much more laid back than he is, he's very anal and uptight... in fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

Voodoo_Bryn said:

This is my final say on the matter:


I don't want to host another party at their house again, though. We're much more laid back than he is, he's very anal and uptight... in fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

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I think that's a perfect apology/non-apology!!!

And he did WHAT? She stayed with him after that??????????? Oh, that would result in all of HIS stuff being in the yard.....

:blink: he sounds like a real class a guy..

Voodoo_Bryn said:

In fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

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WHOOOOOOA! that is some crazy crap, man. would not fly around the fizz. who does he think he is? i'm sorry your bff is with such a buttface dimwitted moron!

That is just craziness! I can't believe she stayed after that!! What a big man he is (said in my most sarcastic tone). Anyhoo, glad you talked with her and I don't blame you for not wanting to host another party there!

Voodoo_Bryn said:

I don't want to host another party at their house again, though. We're much more laid back than he is, he's very anal and uptight... in fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

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Oh for the LOVE! No wonder you didn't want to apologize! LOL!
I would've dropped his @$$ so hard and so fast he'd wish it was on tape so he could play it in slo-mo to figure out wtf just happened.

It always makes me sad to hear of women who stay in such bad situations.

LeeAndra said:

It sounds to me like a power trip.

If y'all have a shaky relationship and now he finally 'belongs,' in the sense that they have a house together and he now has as much relationship with her as you do, it sounds like he's more upset over the principle of the thing and to show, although probably subconsciously, that now HE is the boss, at least when it comes to his party in his house, and he wants you to be submissive towards him perhaps like he has had to submissive to you in the past when it comes to who's known your BFF longer/has more of a bond with her.

KWIM?

For the sake of your friend-family & your infamous party, I would as sincerely as possible fake apologize so you can move on with your plans. He doesn't have to KNOW you don't mean it, now does he?

It's just not the right time or situation to make an issue out of him v. you, so I would just make peace since the party is important to you and later use this as an example, if necessary, when discussing this relationship with your BFF.

HTH!

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LA pretty much nails it.

It really should be no big deal. No reasonable human being is going to deny little'uns safely sleeping in their guest room while the parents are at their party, and this guy definitely sounds like a class A asshole. However, it is Mr. Class A Asshole's house too, and it's on the presumptuous side of things to offer up anyone's guest room for strangers (to them) to sleep in, regardless of the fact they're toddlers, etc. It's not the fact that it's just going to be little kids essentially napping for a short while in there. Of course that's a nice and reasonable thing to expect a decent person to allow, but it's only reasonable to let them know that before offering it. Assumptions are a good way to destroy friendships imo.

He's handling it very poorly. All the fall out is definitely not cool. But let him be the asshole and be the bigger person. Agree that you should've let them know first, give Mr. Class A Asshole an insincere apology and get on to enjoying this party with your friend, because you've been looking so forward to it.

After the party is over and the dust is settled, I really think you need to have a long talk with your friend. Clearly she's settling on someone you think is very bad for her, and it's going to continue to effect your relationship. These sort of battles with her stuck in the middle are just going to drive a wedge between you. Talk to her about how you really feel, but smile a sickly sweet smile to Mr Asshole's face and don't give him the satisfaction of getting under your skin.

Sorry this is happening, Bryn. I hope you guys can get past it and have a great party. (or, even better, the jerkface packs up and leaves before the party!)

Voodoo_Bryn said:

I don't want to host another party at their house again, though. We're much more laid back than he is, he's very anal and uptight... in fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

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Oh my gosh!!! Why does she put up with that? That scares me and has abuse written all over it.

Holy wow, did that say he wouldn't 'LET' her get the bedding off the lawn?! Wow. Throwing it out there in the first place because it wasn't made up - so immature! lol He does sound like a real class act.

Voodoo_Bryn said:

This is my final say on the matter:
I don't want to host another party at their house again, though. We're much more laid back than he is, he's very anal and uptight... in fact, once she didn't make the bed, so he threw all of her bedding out in the yard and wouldn't let her get it until morning (and it was all wet), to teach her a lesson.

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You need to ask your friend, "On what freaking planet is that behavior ok?" Your friend is doing way more than settling, she's putting her life in the hands of a man who couldn't care less how he hurts her. While it may only be emotionally at this moment, but somehow I doubt that it is, this is the type of behavior that leads to serious physical abuse. I'd be a hell of a lot more worried about her and her safety than about him flipping out over the party issues. One thing for sure, I'd not be snide and nasty to this man, for he may not say or do a lot where you are concerned, but it will be your friend that will have to pay the price.

Did I just get yelled at? :blink:

She has a masters in Behavioral Psychology (so does he), I've tried talking to her for 5 years about this guy, I've had to finally give up once they bought the house.

I can't force her to leave him.

believe me, I've tried.

Voodoo_Bryn said:

Did I just get yelled at? :blink:

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By him? By her? Or did I miss something?

Behavioural psych, hmmm? I always find it interesting how often screwed up people gravitate to the psych field. (NOT implying everyone in psych are screwed up, I know some amazing people in the field but, boy, some do I know some messed up ones too!)

It's really sad your friend sticks with someone like this and, after all those years, I doubt there is much you can do other than be there for her and hope she sees the light sooner rather than later. He sounds extremely abusive and I'd definitely be very worried for her well being.

Voodoo_Bryn said:

Did I just get yelled at? :blink:

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No, Bryn, you didn't just get yelled at in the slightest. Sorry if it sounded that way. I've been on both sides of that coin (the abused and the best friend of the abused) and to be honest I'm truly scared for your friend.

The only thing I was trying to point out is that anything you do to piss this asshole off he will take out on her and from what you've already said here, he doesn't need much to piss him off. He sees you as a threat and will do pretty much anything to get you out of the picture.

Unfortunately, you are absolutely right, you cannot force her to leave him no matter what you say or do. I can imagine how hard it must be for you to stand by and watch what your friend is going through.

Voodoo_Bryn said:

She has a masters in Behavioral Psychology (so does he)

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whoa. that's nutso.