A little marriage advise needed--kinda personal and may be TMI

Ok.....brief history-Married 10 years, one 5 year old ours, 2 stepsons 15 and 17, Both of us have good jobs, nice house basically a good life. No major issues, except a ex-wife that doesnt understand that kids need parents not friends.

So really this issue is kinda small in the big scheme of things. So here goes, I feel like my husband is......distant physically before we get physical.....I cant get him to hold hands, kiss in public, snuggle, or just kiss. He has never been touchy feely in the past but over the last couple of years it had gotten to the point of a kiss in passing-maybe. I am the emotional one of our family. I give soooooo much to all the kids. I do the things that make our house a home. The things he as a man can't see but he reaps the benefits.

It isn't so bad that I want to end my marriage but I am having a hard time wanting to get close to my husband. I have talked to him about my issue. Nothing has changed. I have been very clear in what I need from him. It is to the point that I dont want to get physical at all because I do not feel that loving feeling....I dont want that part of our relationship to be just exercise. And right now it is. I want to be engaged emotionally.

So questions--Is this "normal" in long term relationship? Have you faced these issues? what did you do?
Am I asking too much? Any ideas on what I can do?
I have thought about marriage counselor but adding one more thing in our schedule will add more stress than I want.

Thanks for being a community that I can get feedback!
I have a tendency to go off half cocked and things tend to back fire. I really get tired of eating crow.

How has he responded when you tell him this?

He takes it in.........things may change for a while but that is it.......
This is a cycle that I have replayed time after time in our marriage. I use to have explosions about this type of thing every 6 months or so. But now I been so busy in my life that this hasn't came up for about year or so.

I am looking for ways to stop the cycle.

There is a book my husband and I read together, before we were married called "the five love languages". And it helped us tremendously to see that the way I give and recieve love is different from him. So I have learned to be physical because my husband needs to recieve love that way, and he is learning how to plan quality time with me. I recommend it highly to you - you might just find out how to help your husband feel more loved so he can respond the way you need him to also.

I have to say, that being physical scared me silly... I didn't even let my husband HOLD MY HAND for the first 5 months we were dating, and we didn't kiss for three years of dating. And well... I'll come right out and say it because I have nothing to hide...we didn't even have sex until several weeks AFTER our wedding night. That's how long I needed to be able to do that (this was after 4 years of dating).

We've only been married for 4 years, but there are times when I feel like I'm more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is, but then I realize that he invests differently than me and he has different ways of expressing how he feels. For him, working hard to provide for our family so I can stay home is a big deal to him, and his way of loving me. I wish he could be home with me allll the time, so we have stress moments.

It's sounds to me a little bit like you are feeling under-appreciated and you want someone to adore you rather than just be content to have you around. Sometimes I feel that way too, but realize I am not seeing things clearly and have to actually write down all the things my husband has done to show appreciation (like saying thanks for dinner, or inviting important people over because he knows I can handle being hospitable, asking if I'll make a batch of cookies for him to take to work for a meeting, because he likes to show off my baking). I don't know if your husband does anything to make you feel appreciated.... maybe he doesn't quite know how, or he thinks he is but it just isn't working.

If you stated quite firmly - this marriage is not working for me right now, I feel very underappreciated. Here are ten things you could do to show me that you appreciate me. I need you to do some of these things this week. Then ask him what you could do to make him feel appreciated by you?

Sometimes couples have different needs in a marriage and his need for "touch" may be different than yours. It certainly doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and cherish you. I recommend this book as it talks about that and maybe reading it will help. His Needs, Her Needs. Best of luck ((hugs))

oh yes. i understand this completely. dennis and i getting married so young have def had our share of ups and downs. it may seem like added stress to take time out to see a counselor, but you will not regret taking that time out. it's totally worth it!!

I was going to suggest The Five Love Languages too. It sounds like you two have different ways of showing your love and that's why this has been a continuous cycle throughout your marriage.

It sounds like your life is pretty busy. Do you two make an effort to spend quality time together? And by quality I mean, not just watching tv or a movie together, but actually spending time focused on each other? Just thinking that this might help you feel more engaged emotionally as well. I know for me, it definitely does.

I have been considering a counselor, too. I think it really could help, we just need to schedule it in cause I feel like we fight about the same things over and over and nothing changes. But, yes, I think its pretty normal to not physically be into the relationship as much after many years. I have been with my dh for over 8 years now, I can understand what you are saying.

Awww honey hugs, I really lov the book the five love languages too. It really gave me a different out look on my husband. I am so sorry you are going through this but I absolutely think its normal. I wonder how his own experience with his parents relationshp was as a child? If his parents were the affectionate type or not. My inlaws weren't and I see that reflected in my husband quite a bit even with the kids, our daughter in particular. I hope that things do get better soon. If you think a counseler would help I say go for it. Why not. Lots of luck!

I'm not in any position to give marriage advice right now but I just wanted to chime in with some (((hugs))) for you. Hope you figure things out.

I had the same problems with my husband. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 21. Eventually I figured out that he showed me he loves me in different ways then I wanted him to. When I started focusing on the things he DID do and not what he DIDNT do I realized that I had very little to complain about and I also realized that when I fell in love with him he was the same way so me trying to change him after 5 or 10 years did not make a whole lot of sense. After coming to this realization I have been a whole lot happier. We make time to be together at least once or twice a month and as our kids get older that gets alot easier. IF you cannot make time to get into counseling the suggestion I would have to sit and think about what it is your husband does for you that might be his way of showing you how much he cares. When you do talk to him try to do it in a non-confrontational way and be as specific as possible about what you'd like from him

ETA: we have been together since March 1991...so going on 18 years now

In my relationship it may be me who is this person. I'm just not cuddly and it drives my husband batty. I don't kiss outside of a peck when we are not in the bedroom. I don't think this is abnormal in a marriage...in my opinion it is part of my personality, who I am ingrained to be. I'm even always the first to break a hug. I can't help it. It's just not how I am. I never saw my parents more than peck. Ever. But I know they did, I even overheard a few bedroom moments (ick. LOL) once I was older and knew what was going on (and they didn't know how thin the walls were apparently). I also never saw my parents argue seriously either, just playful banter or an unhappy glare from time to time.

So I wonder how much of it is what you grew up around? Have you asked him about that or observed his parents?

If there are true intimacy issues, I can recommend a book called Sheet Music. It is a Christian book and can be very graphic, I'll warn you.

Good luck

I would also recommend The Five Love Languages. We actually did this book in our Sunday School Class and it was a HUGE eye opener. Makes you think about things that may never occur to you.

Best of luck, hun.

One of the things about all this is that I dont think he has changed but I havent changed either. Why do I have to give up on what I want and have always wanted because he is who and what he is?

I would like to thank you for making me feel so alone in all this.
As always you ladies are great sounding boards.

There are times that I feel very alone.....I am not feeling that right now.
Things arent as bleak as they were before I wrote my original post.
Thanks

I think what I'm beginning to learn is that I can only change myself -not other people. I have no right to try to change other people, and I either love my husband for who he is and learn to love him the way he needs and CHOOSE to love him every day, or I get thinking about what it is I wish I had that I don't and go crazy... I don't think any of us will ever find someone who will fulfill ALL our needs. That's just the way it is.

What really is the most important thing to you in the relationship? What can you not live without? What, specifically, are you expecting your husband do to change?

It has been a long process for me in discovering what I need in a relationship. Touch and words are my two primary love languages, so I tend to equate intimacy = love and tend to feel unloved if FI & I have not been cozy over a period of several days. This is not true, of course, and I have to work on it every day to try to change my thinking, but I know that's how I am inside. I feel the same way if FI and I have not exchanged anything more than 'Hello' and 'What's for dinner?' type msgs/conversations during the course of a day. FI and I have discussed this, and we both realize we have different love languages. His is Quality Time, btw.

I will temporarily put my love needs on hold, but come back to them in a day or two when things are better or have calmed down. For instance, FI's son is VERY affectionate-clingy and tends to be trying to hug FI or lay on him or touching him as much as possible, so I know that I will not get the same type of physical affection I'd like from FI during his weekends with us. FI needs some room to breathe. Once the house is back to the two of us, I know we will 'make up the difference,' as it were, and he will be open again to snuggling on the couch with me.

Conversely, I know that it can irritate him when I am on my laptop when we are sitting in the living room watching TV. For me, it just makes sense to do two things at once, especially if we're watching a show he chose, but to him, it feels like I don't love him enough to put everything away to be with him. Our compromise is that I will put the laptop away if he comes over to snuggle with me. Then we both feel loved at the same time.

I hope this made sense. I feel very strongly abt the five love languages and how they can change your relationships, romantic and platonic, for the better once you understand what they are and how they manifest themselves.

I wish I had advice for you but I don't. I am very very affectionate and I think I've trained hubby to be that way because I always have been. He never refuses hand holding or kisses in public, ever... and never has.

My issue is that I would like more compliments from him. Like your situation, it's always been this way and only gets to me every 6 months or so. He knows how important it is to me, but he struggles and can't ever make a permanent change.

I'm going to have to read the Five Love Languages.

There is also a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" that I really enjoyed. I thought it would be "this is what you should be doing for your husband" but it's not at all!

I just wanted to offer you some (((hugs))) since you have already had some great advice. I don't have any answers since me and Mark have a lot of problems of our own. We fight like cat and dog a lot of the time and drive each other insane with lots of things but I suppose we still know that our lives are better off with each other in them. Marriage, well actually men in general are really confusing and a lot of hard work. I wish there was a simple answer but I just don't think there is. Except communication and compromise. Hugs Crystal xx