So help a girl out.. what would make YOU understand?

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Priscilla

New member
This is related to my paraplegia .....

So a thread on another board got me thinking....
I want to come up with a really snide or thought provoking or something, not quite sure WHAT comment to say when people say what I feel are STUPID things...

particulary when they tell me it's so great or neat or nice that my DH still wanted date and/or marry me when he found out I was in a wheelchair or that he "takes care of me" (I am a stay at home mom...hell **I take care of him** (do his laundry, cook his meals, keep a presentable house and take care of the kids 100% on my own while he's at work ... yes he helps when he's home but even able bodied women get help from their spouse). . . ooh and that they can't BELIEVE I don't have someone help me during the day or that my van doesnt have a ramp/lift or that I can grocery shop WITH my kids or that I don't use a power chair, and why won't the doctors let you have one, woulndt that be sooooooooo much easier)

anyways. .. .what are some of the things YOU think I should say to these remarks? people may not mean it in an insulting way but it is ... I mean COME ON!!!??
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People really say that stuff? Wow. I really have no advice on what you could say to them. I'm just shocked that anyone would say it.
 
Ignorance is a problem esp here in America but wow...I can't believe people say that!

I have no advice..hard to say what I'd say since I'mnot in that situation. I know though, Priscilla, that you are one of the strongest most capable women that I know!
 
I honestly can not believe the gall of some people. Makes me sick.

I'm a smart ass and I'd have to say something like, "yah, well, not everyone can be a super mom. I needed some challenges to make it worth it."

I am honestly sitting here in disbelief.
 
Hey girl......I just want to start out by saying I did not even know this about you. And I really do not know how to respond to this. I HATE it when people "assume" things, it is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am sorry that this is happening, I really think people just don't think before they speak , at least most of the time anyway. People are stupid though and just don't care what they say to others....

My Mother suffered from Parkinson's and was quite shaky and people would just stare at her like she was a freak....She tried really hard not to let it bother her cause it is not like it was her fault, but deep down I know it did bother her as I think it would anyone.

I totally agree with Meg here, you are a very strong and wonderful person {{{HUGS}}}
 
Yeah, unfortunately it seems it's something you just have to explain over and over again because people are ignorant and they make assumptions. I would be so annoyed if I was you... luckily for you though, I'm not. LOL

My father is a double, below-the-knee amputee (since I was a baby-- and he was a SAHD... I know, it's different but still...) and ALWAYS had/has to explain things over and over... No, their mother isn't here with us. Yes, I take care of them all day. No, I don't use special equipment. No, I do not need your help. etc etc etc. So annoying. He HATED it.
 
How about something as simple as "I know I amaze myself sometimes! Snort!" Or is that too cheeky!

I think two things happen online (well actually a lot more but two for my thoughts):

1)people say anything and everything that comes into their head because of the "wall" of the faceless internet

2)people say something and it totally comes out wrong from what they mean and you can't read body language to see that they aren't being snarky (or that they are)

But I will say this, you ARE an amazing woman and you do more than a lot of women who have two working legs! (you should see the state of my house right now ugh!) Before this post I had no idea that you were a parapalegic and have always been awed by your work and your words. See now... I hope that came out right!
 
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Goodness honey. I don't know what I'd say. It's pure ignorance. Perhaps in some deluded way they think they are paying you a compliment? As in, they are so impressed by you? (not the bit about your DH, obviously that's just...um ridiculous).

I don't know that I'd even go the way of the snide remark but rather the honest and humbling "you obviously don't realize it because you've actually said this to me, but you have to know that your words are hurtful and ignorant and I'd love to tell you why so you can avoid being such an arse in the future." Okay, so maybe that was snide. Or maybe something more subtle to get them thinking...same as above but minus the sass?

Sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing Priscilla.
 
I love what Sara said, I totally can see why you would be frustrated. I think at times when people don't know what to say they feel the need to say something even if they honestly shouldn't. I don't honestly get why some try to give advice when they have no way to relate. I for one think you are amazing but not for any other reason then you are a great mom and an awesome person. Big hugs! I wish I could offer some insight I honestly don't have any good advice because I get it quite a bith from well wishers with Lilys JRA but know that your feelings are valid and I do totally understand why you feel that way!
 
i think the only thing that would make those who make those statements understand how hurtful/annoying those types of statements are would be for them to have to experience something that would bring those same kind of statements to them. They do not understand what you are feeling/what you experience because they are not paraplegic and they are speaking from a perspective of what they THINK they would experience if they were put in your shoes. In reality what they would experience is likely quite a bit different then what they think they would experience. I do not think those people intentionally mean to hurt you and likely probably would not even realize how condescending those comments are to you. My best advice though is to try to just let it roll off your back...those people who really matter would not say those things to you because they know you and know you are capable and those who do say those things to you (or even in general I guess) shouldnt really matter ebcause they do not know you and are probably making generalized statements on something they really have no experience with.
 
'God knew YOU wouldn't be able to handle it, so He chose me instead.'

:p

Honestly, I don't know. I'll ask my fiance. His brother became a quadriplegic at age 14 until his death at age 25 (not related to his quadriplegia), and Jeff, who was 7 years younger than him, grew up not knowing any differently. I'll see if there was anything he used to say when he or his brother got those type of comments.

Obviously, his brother was in a much different situation than you are, being a quad vs. being a para, and even he had his own car and was able to drive himself places. There is a hilarious story Jeff loves to tell that one time when his brother was too drunk to drive, he had his BLIND friend drive while he told the friend where to turn and when to stop! *lol* Of course, drunk driving is NOT funny, but can you imagine being the policeman that pulls over the van with a blind guy driving and a quad giving directions?!
 
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Still reading but adding that this is not always online -- it's people I meet IN REAL LIFE .. face to face... :glare:
 
THANK YOU!! everyone for all your kind words and great ideas...



--

Funniest. Story. Ever.

Of course not funny if things hadnt been ok -- but since they were .....


LeeAndra said:
Obviously, his brother was in a much different situation than you are, being a quad vs. being a para, and even he had his own car and was able to drive himself places. There is a hilarious story Jeff loves to tell that one time when his brother was too drunk to drive, he had his BLIND friend drive while he told the friend where to turn and when to stop! *lol* Of course, drunk driving is NOT funny, but can you imagine being the policeman that pulls over the van with a blind guy driving and a quad giving directions?!
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I'm surprised people say thing like that- especially when I saw you were in Austin- we're a pretty cool and intellectual culture here in the Austin area. I don't know what I'd say. I'm sure the "getting help" comment was probably MEANT as "Wow- how do you manage to do it all." I agree that people sometimes well meaning say things without thinking! And as for "being lucky to have your husband since you're in a wheelchair"... well that's just plain ignorance and would piss me off too! :)

Totally off topic- I don't know about you, but I'm SO glad to rain is gone and we have our beautiful weather back! :)
 
P, they are just jealous of ya, cause you can do anything and everything, nothing stands in your way! And well, cause you're hot and make cute babies. hehehee

seriously, some people are just ignorant.
 
OK I love the superwoman comment!

I'm sorry Priscilla that you have to be on the hurtful end of those comments. I think you are an amazing woman and I have no idea how you do it all. Seriously I think you are superwoman!
 
That's so weird, cuz honestly, I forget that you're a paraplegic. It's like, not even a thought in my mind, you know? You're just Priscilla.

I can't believe ppl say that stuff to your face though!
I would just say something like "yea, my husband's awesome, I'm super woman, and we have a wonderful family. It's ok to be jealous ;)"
 
I am known for saying the first thing that pops in my head. And it is usually pretty fresh. I have a tendancy to shut people down. I don't know if that is a good quality. But my real friends kow that they can take me at face value. And everyone else has to accept me as I am or move on. I wasn't always like that. But I learned that if I keep my opinions to myself, I fester. And, although others might be okay with that, I am not.
So, if some ignorant person spoke to me like this...
"and why won't the doctors let you have one, woulndt that be sooooooooo much easier"
I would problably ask them why the doctors didn't let them have an ounce of courtesy or respect, it would make life easier.
 
Priscilla - you go, girl. You have my respect.

And as the sassy southern divas I am blessed to be related to might reply to those poor misguided ones whom need a courtesy adjustment...

"Well, aren't you always a' thinkin' on others and how they might be goin' about, Bless Your Heart, I just don't see how you find the time, with all you have goin' on....
insert comment about clothing, hairstyle, other touchy subject in a manner they will be confused whether you are paying them a compliment or insult here...."

think it's called "turning the other cheek with painted, pointy nails" :p
 
I think even if you could come up with the perfect retort, such people would not understand, miss the point and somehow be sure that it is 'just you being over sensitive'.

Most people who say things like that genuinely think they're being understanding and even kind (amazing but true). You just have to remember that they are ignorant today, and sadly no matter what you say, they'll be almost certainly be just the same tomorrow. Pitiful, don't you think?

Be strong, have a really good bitch about it to your friends and family and then get on with feeling good about being yourself.
 
Priscilla - I knew you were a paraplegic, but like Col, I forget too. To me, you're just Priscilla - loving wife and mom!! I think I would have to tell others this:

"Why don't you spend more time worrying about your own circumstances and leave mine to me."

That'll shut em up! LOL I wish people would think before they said stupid things like that! Here's a story to show you just how stupid people can be. I taught in a self-contained special education classroom. My students were my kids. I LOVED them. One day, we had need of a substitute because I was not allowed to change the diapers by myself and we needed a substitute to help me carry our two severely disabled kiddos to the changing table. I ALWAYS made sure that I told any substitutes that it was a self-contained classroom and I always told them about my two severely disabled kiddos so that they would know exactly what kind of classroom I had.

It was the beginning of the day and I was feeding our classroom angel his breakfast. I mean one look at this precious soul and you knew what it was like to be with the Lord. He had cerebal palsy and was just the most precious soul I've ever known. We had to blend all his food in the blender, yes, it was gross, but he didn't have the dexterity to eat whole food. There were only two people cleared to feed him because he choked so easily and we had to feed him a certain way to avoid him choking. I was one of the people, so I was feeding him.

The substitute comes in and sees me feeding him. She says, and I quote: "Oh hell no, I'm shouldn't have to work in here with that" pointing at my little angel. I became UNGLUED!! I took her out in the hall and reamed her a$$ up one side of the school and down the other. When the principal found out, she NEVER substituted at my school again!

People soon learned you don't mess with Mrs. Moore's kiddos!!
 
Priscilla said:
me too!! and looks like we are SUPER close -- we just moved to Pflugerville in October.
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We are close then- I'm up 1431- what used to be the boonies but now with the outlets on one end and 1890s ranch at the other, we're in the middle of everything! :) We should get together sometime! I'd love to know a dgiscrapper in the area. :)
 
Paula said:
The substitute comes in and sees me feeding him. She says, and I quote: "Oh hell no, I'm shouldn't have to work in here with that" pointing at my little angel. I became UNGLUED!! I took her out in the hall and reamed her a$$ up one side of the school and down the other. When the principal found out, she NEVER substituted at my school again!

People soon learned you don't mess with Mrs. Moore's kiddos!!
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Momentary hijack-You sound like me Paula! I'd have clocked that @#&%(! I too teach special needs kids and always noted that our classroom involved diapering, wiping noses, etc. so no sub would come unprepared. We've been lucky though... that is unreal! (It makes it nice that we can "blacklist" subs like that too- why in the world are they around kids?)
 
I really think it's a combination of ignorance and curiosity about anything different. You wouldn't believe the comments we get about my daughter who was adopted from Korea (e.g., "how much did you pay for her?", "will she grow up speaking english?") from random people at the grocery store or wherever.

I like Paula's comment: "Why don't you spend more time worrying about your own circumstances and leave mine to me." Basically -- mind your own business.
 
PMed my # to you
schock77 said:
We are close then- I'm up 1431- what used to be the boonies but now with the outlets on one end and 1890s ranch at the other, we're in the middle of everything! :) We should get together sometime! I'd love to know a dgiscrapper in the area. :)
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Now I am worried that I may have offended people... I am a naturally curious person and I would rather ask someone how they do something than assume that they can easily do something themselves or assume that they are not capable. If I see someone who lives a different lifestyle or has different circumstances than mine, I ask questions. I am not judging or trying to be rude, I just want to understand. I think that most questions are probably just people trying to educate themselves. I would think that a lot of the questions would be welcomed rather than people just assuming things incorrectly. That's how stereotypes and misconceptions are perpetuated. The comment about your husband just pissed me off, though. You could always say, "He married me for my big boobs" or something like that.

I do want to add that when I do get into inquisitive moods, I do tell the person that they don't have to answer my questions if they aren't comfortable with them.
 
and this is perfect :)

If I don't want to answer questions ... I won't :)

It's the COMMENTS more than the questions :)
mcardall said:
I do want to add that when I do get into inquisitive moods, I do tell the person that they don't have to answer my questions if they aren't comfortable with them.
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It is funny that I came across this thread today.

I come from a big extended family and from a small town. I was kinda sheltered.
I had a cousin that had downs. She came to the family reunions. She was about 10 yrs older than me. I learned from her that people are different. I learned that family is family and you can love the uniqueness of each other.

I am feel sorry for people that dont have the opportunity to meet unique people in their lives. I do feel they are part of the color of the world. I think because of her I can see the purple in the rainbows. I learned from her not to prejudge people before you get a chance to know them. She passed away today. She had many health issues so it was a blessing but I feel blessed to know and love her.

Back to your question.....I would think of a good comment or come back that gives you the satisfaction of giving the person something to think about.
Something like "God only gives challenges to those of us that can handle them" "My paraplegia is nothing compared to having to deal with thoughtless people that think they have a right to make a judgment and comments based on appearances" Give rude and thoughtless people something to think about. Maybe they will think before they make a comment the next time.

Good Luck and as my grandmother would say "Kill them with Class and Kindness"
 
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