Parenting Sort of Question

Nonna2Dreja

Nonna2Dreja

New member
Okay, so I've got to ask all of you a question....

Let me give you some of the details:
My Daughter is not married to my Granddaughter's "Father"....He lives in another town about an hour away from us....Granddaughter has only recently met him....Long story behind that....Anyhow, my Granddaughter is only 21 months old and so far, it seems as though she does not like him....She is actually petrified of him....It takes her abit of time to get use to some males for some reason....It just seems as though it is really taking a toll on her when he is around....She gets so upset that she cries and shakes....When he is here, she comes crying to me or to my husband wanting one of us to pick her up, kind of to save her, I guess....She won't eat her meals if he sits at the table with us....Easter was especially awful....Finally I just took her out of her seat and let her sit on my lap in hopes she might eat something....His response to her crying is "fix your face" or "don't do it" or "why you crying?" To me this is not what I would say to an almost two year old....He seems more of a disciplinarian than a doting, loving "Father"....(He does not raise his voice and I will say that he is a very laid back person....)At one point because she was crying, he picked her up off the floor and set her on the couch....She didn't dare move off the couch until my daughter told her to come sit with her....Later Easter Day when he was leaving she actually got up off the couch and started jabbering away and was smiling and acting happy again....

What would you do if you were faced with this? I personally think that IF he would allow her to come to him on her own terms, in her own time he might stand half a chance....But if he keeps forcing it, she'll never warm up to him....Do you believe that children can sense something about people and that we should take that for what it is?

Thanks for listening to me and for any suggestions....
 
I would definitely encourage him to let her come to him versus him forcing her. Kids just have a way like that and need to feel comfortable in a situation like that. My almost 4-yr. old is still this way with some people. It takes her a little bit to warm up to them, and once she does, she's fine and interacts with them really well. I think this is a good thing for children to be this way. Almost an instinctual caution or something. If this is his only child, he may not realize that a lot of children do this, it's very normal, and it's not specifically directed towards him or because she doesn't like him. She's probably just feeling very uncomfortable with a man she doesn't yet know well enough.
 
I think that her age plays a *huge* roll in this situation. Not only is she meeting this man for the first time, but she's smack dab in the middle of the "stranger fear" stage. And on top of it all, it sounds as if he is not very engaging, which makes the whole situation even more foreign to her.

Now.... this is not to say that kids can't sense things about adults. But, for now, unless you have obvious reason to suspect that this mad is bad news, I would just chalk her behavior up to her age and the awkward situation.

Chances are, the more they are around each other, the more comfortable she will become with him. Give it time. This is a hard age for little ones.
 
and I wanted to add...

if this is his first real experience with small children in this type of parent/child setting, his behavior might be 100% cluelessness. He simply might not know how to act/behave around small children. And her fear of him is probably off-putting to him since he might not understand how children are at this age and in this situation.
 
I personally think children are very.. knowing I guess, about things. They are a very good judge of character. I'm not pointing fingers here at all, I'm just saying maybe there is a very good reason why she is not comfortable around her "father." Definitely don't push her to accept him.. I feel that would be teaching her to not listen to her own built in intuition.
 
Aww poor lil sweetie, sounds like she definitely has stranger anxiety with him and essentially that is what he is to her since he hasn't played much of a parental role in her life so far. Although it's common for them to have it even with people they see on a regular basis. Both of my girls went through a phase about that age where the only male that could get anywhere near them was their daddy, they wouldn't even let their grandpa's hold them there for awhile and they saw them all the time. It only lasted for a few months, but it sounds like he's just going to have to spend more time with her and let her come to accept him on her own timeline whether he likes it or not.
 
I do think that sometimes children can sense things in people. But I don't think it is reliable enough to use that to judge someone's character. I don't think it is really much different that how adults handle meeting a new person. Some people you just don't like on first impression. It doesn't mean that they are good or bad character, just that there is something about them that you don't like. KWIM?

And I also think that 2 year olds are good at playing games with the adults around them. My son was very talented at making strangers feel uncomfortable. He has red hair and old people love to pat his head. He wouldn't smile or anything and sometimes give them really mean looks. Even to the really sweet ones that just seemed to really love children. And that's when he would turn on the lovey dovey stuff with me acting all sweet and shy! Just a major change in behavior because is isn't shy and he's a boy, not really all that sweet. And sometimes I wonder how much of it was to just learn how people react to him when he behaves a certain way?

And it sounds like you (and possibly Mom?) aren't too excited with Dad? I do know that kids pick that up! They look to us on how they are supposed to react to strangers. You and other's close to her may be uneasy around him and she sees that which could be making her think that he isn't a person she wants to hang around.

So, I would approach the subject carefully if you plan to do so. It really depends on how much he wants to be in her life. If he is looking for more involvement (or it is court ordered) then exposure will help with the stranger anxiety. But if he's just going to be around every now and then she may always have a hard time warming up to him. Either way a relationship really can't be forced. It's just going to take some time!
 
Thank you all for your replies....He has two other children 11 years old and 12 years old whom do not live with him....His sister told my daughter in confidence that when he had the other children, when they were younger, he would bring them to her to take care of....But my daughter was asked not to mention she knows this...

My daughter and I have talked and she agrees that any visits he has with my Granddaughter need to be supervised until she feels comfortable with her "Father"....Incidently, my own Father has not been able to hold Aja since she was a newborn baby....She is somewhat afraid of him....I have told my Dad not to feel bad because she is 10 times worse with her own "Father"....My Dad does not push Aja to come to him, he just talks to her from a distance and tells her how beautiful she is....:)
 
jannylynn said:
I do think that sometimes children can sense things in people. But I don't think it is reliable enough to use that to judge someone's character. I don't think it is really much different that how adults handle meeting a new person. Some people you just don't like on first impression. It doesn't mean that they are good or bad character, just that there is something about them that you don't like. KWIM?

And I also think that 2 year olds are good at playing games with the adults around them. My son was very talented at making strangers feel uncomfortable. He has red hair and old people love to pat his head. He wouldn't smile or anything and sometimes give them really mean looks. Even to the really sweet ones that just seemed to really love children. And that's when he would turn on the lovey dovey stuff with me acting all sweet and shy! Just a major change in behavior because is isn't shy and he's a boy, not really all that sweet. And sometimes I wonder how much of it was to just learn how people react to him when he behaves a certain way?

And it sounds like you (and possibly Mom?) aren't too excited with Dad? I do know that kids pick that up! They look to us on how they are supposed to react to strangers. You and other's close to her may be uneasy around him and she sees that which could be making her think that he isn't a person she wants to hang around.

So, I would approach the subject carefully if you plan to do so. It really depends on how much he wants to be in her life. If he is looking for more involvement (or it is court ordered) then exposure will help with the stranger anxiety. But if he's just going to be around every now and then she may always have a hard time warming up to him. Either way a relationship really can't be forced. It's just going to take some time!
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Actually Jannylynn, I do not love this guy, but I am always polite to him and towards him....I do not want him or my Granddaughter to ever feel as though we kept them from knowing one another....I do feel as though him wanting to see her has to do with the fact that he does not want to have to pay child support....Meaning, if he stays on my Daughter's "good side" and continues to see Aja, she won't want any money....Sadly he is unemployed more than he is employed--always out with an injury of some sort....My Daughter has come to realize you cannot get blood from a stone and she works to support her children along with the help we offer her but still wants for her children to know their "Father's"....
 
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