NSBR - frustrated....

Ok, I'm just asking for ideas here...DD (7) is pretty clingy to me in general. She doesn't like me to leave her. If I go out with friends for an evening and she stays home w her dad and brother (9), she starts asking when I'm going to come home and calls me wanting me to come home. One night, I was going to meet some friends for dinner and she didn't remember me telling her I was going to go and she started crying and didn't want me to go. I ended up not going. Last night, I was at a friends house and told her I would be home after her bedtime. DH texted me around 10pm and said she was still up and crying because she wanted me to come home. I ended up coming home around 10:30, she was still up.

I am planning a trip for 4-5 days next month to go visit my parents who live 2000 miles away (see the problem coming up?). DH feels that we need to get this in control before I go or I can't go. It's not that he can't handle her or that he doesn't want me to go but he's worried about her.

I'm so torn...In one way, I agree that I can't leave her like this. On the other hand, I only see my parents 1x per year, I'm very close to them and I also think if she knows I'm not going because of her, then she gets her way.

There has been nothing that has changed to make her like this. She's not having trouble in any other aspect other than she wants to be around me all the time. No school problems, no big social or family changes.

Any ideas? This is so frustrating!!!

I think taking her in for a counseling session to figure out the reason for her clinginess would be a good idea. There has to be a reason, she's probably not telling you and it doesn't have to be anything big. I agree, if you keep just coming home, it won't help solve the issue. Good luck!

personally.. I would just go, and not worry about it. She HAS to get over it, and she will. The first day might be absolutely horrid for her & your dh (lol) but she will live you know.. jmo but it never killed a kid to be sad or cry. Just talk to her about it leading up to it.. maybe even write her a note that your dh can read to her.. but she'll be fine.

I agree wtih your husband that she needs to stop acting this way, but as a mom, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you! I think it is good for her to know that you leave and then come back, but I am not sure how to get her to that point. So sorry you are having this problem.

I say go and agree with la...she will have to just get over it....eventually she will cry herself to sleep...I have NEVER been away from my kids for any greatamount of time, but just spent 7 months in Kuwait and my 2 littelest were 2 1/2 and 15 months when I left...and they weren't sure where mom was but DH explained to them that I was working and showed them on a map...so mabe she can look at a map and know exatly where mommy is and have a little countdown calendar to seem like the time goes a little faster...

but I think for your sake and hers, you need to go~

Part of me feels badly that she is acting like this and I would feel horrible being 2000 miles away knowing she's crying and carrying on. But the other part of me just thinks, "oh, she needs to get over it". My parents are in their 70's, we are very VERY close, and because I only see them once a year, I feel like if I don't get up there when I can, someday they are going to be gone and I'll be pretty resentful for it.

My sister and I are planning this trip together, she already has her ticket and I haven't gotten mine yet. It's all hinging on this.

I know one thing I would do would be to leave her a note for her to open every night just giving her support and encouragement. But at this point, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to get the plane ticket.

I would go. What if you had to go away unexpectedly for some reason? She needs to understand that if you go, you WILL come back. Now that my kids are getting older, I leave them more often, and they get more used to it. They don't seem to mind being left with Daddy. I miss my kids very much when I'm not with them, I am worse than they are! But I realize that they need time alone with their daddy, they need time with their grandparents too, and though we both miss each other, it's an opportunity for them to build memories.

Has she had any friends go through the loss or a parent or divorce?

I think there are a couple of kids in her class from divorced parents but the kids she hangs out with don't have divorced parents. She's never known a person that has died. I don't think it's that. On the weekends, DH will take DS to a movie occasionally or out to do something fun. She would rather stay home with me than go have fun with them. She's always been this way. She tells me it's not fun. Maybe to her, going out with the "guys" isn't fun. She's fine going to birthday parties, school or playdates with friends.

The counseling session is a good idea. My son is quite a bit younger (4y) but when we left him with his grandparent's for a week, I gave him a blank notebook and told him whenever he missed us or was sad, I'd really like it if he drew me a picture in his notebook and when we got back we'd look through his notebook together. He did it too and my mom said it really helped as it gave him something to do to feel connected to me and helped him get over the whining "I want my mommy" fits faster.

I think it might be a good thing to take her to a counseler. Just to see what is going on with her being so clingy. Im sure its nothing major. Maybe she saw something on tv or heard another child talking about someone dying. Maybe she just genuinely misses you and enjoys being with you. In any event I would not allow it to stop me from going because like you said you dont know how many more visits there will be with your parents. You could do a special message-a-day thing for her. Maybe even make it like a scavenger hunt and hide a special treat with it. You could have her give you something to take on your trip and leave something with her of yours. Kinda like a little special connection and tell her youll be thinking of her the whole time and whenever she misses you she can hold the thing you leave with her. Just some ideas that might help with her seperation anxiety

I would go....

I also wanted to add that try not to call home{even though I KNOW hat is probably gonna be impossible} and talk with her because then she will miss you even more and may not understand how come you can't come home...we left DD 3 1/2 and DS 2 with grandparents when we went to vegas and they just kept them busy from sunup to sundown and said they actually did really well...but I like the idea of making a little something for her every day to find with a note at the end and treat at the end, like a scavengar hunt~

I'm sorry, but a child should never dictate what you do and when you do it. If you had to work (like Angie....thousands of miles away and for so many months), you have to do it, and kids will adjust. You will only encourage this behavior by allowing her to call you and cry to you. I understand that she is clingy, but it is not a good thing to allow this. She's not too young to understand, and you need to go be with your parents.

I would not take any calls from her or call her while I was gone either. I really encourage you to get your ticket and go. Don't feel guilty either. You might be surprised when you get back how well she did. Your dh and her can go out for a little treat, do fun things, etc. If you do go and when you get back, if she is still an absolute wreck, then I would suggest counseling for you guys. She may have anxiety issues and you can learn the best way to deal with them...but no child has ever died because their mom had to go away for a few days! I promise you!!! Sometimes it is harder for us moms to know that our kids didn't need us as much as we thought they did!!

I totally know how you feel, my youngest is like that too. She is nearly 3, and she is OK with going to nursery, going to stay overnight with my parents or brother, or having a babysitter. But if she's at home with SO? She screams and screams and screams. I would go though, she needs to learn. My DD is actually getting a lot better after we started leaving her at home with SO on a regular basis. We started during the day (bedtime without me is the biggest issue), and I would go to the shops or for a walk, just something small that meant I was gone less than one hour. Then we gradually built it up, with me staying away longer and longer, and even though she still screams, she is getting a lot better. I think one reason for her behaviour is that SO is away monday to friday, so maybe she thinks I'll be gone just as long.

I agree with Debra though, I think it's important that you go, you can't let her behaviour dictate where you should go. How about getting hubby to plan some fun days out with her while you are away? That way they can have a nice time together, and she might even forget about missing you. Let her know in advance that you have to go away for a few days, but that while you are gone she and daddy will be doing this and this, so she'll have a great time, and she might even look forwards to it. I know it's hard to leave when they are upset and calling for mummy ( I was walking around in tears the first times), but you aren't doing her any favours by letting her be the boss

Everybody has awesome advice. I just wanted to add my 2cents!!

One thing I have learned is to NOT TALK ABOUT IT around her. Discuss it with DH after she goes to bed or when she is not around. When on the phone be conscious of where she is. This plan is happening in the future. Worrying about it now will only increase her anxieties and make it worse the first day. Plan as much as you can with out her knowledge. The night before you leave or even that day then let her know. Give her a box of activities to do while you are gone. The idea of writing things down while you are gone is a great idea Encourage her to snail mail you something every other day. I hope this makes sense. Good luck!!

I feel the same way as most of the others: you need to go. Not only for yourself and your parents, but for your daughter.

Try making a day-chain for her. Basically make a chain of paper strips, one chain for each day you're gone. And then, every day she can tear off a chain and it will count down how many days until you're back. That gives her some control and sense of security.

Good luck!

Excellent ideas everyone! I had thought about leaving her a little note every day reminding her "only ___many days left till I'm home" and had also thought about a paper chain that she can clip every day. I don't think it has anything to do with dying - that's never ever been something she has even brought up. Thanks for the support!

4noisyboys said:

I'm sorry, but a child should never dictate what you do and when you do it. If you had to work (like Angie....thousands of miles away and for so many months), you have to do it, and kids will adjust. You will only encourage this behavior by allowing her to call you and cry to you. I understand that she is clingy, but it is not a good thing to allow this. She's not too young to understand, and you need to go be with your parents.

I would not take any calls from her or call her while I was gone either. I really encourage you to get your ticket and go. Don't feel guilty either. You might be surprised when you get back how well she did. Your dh and her can go out for a little treat, do fun things, etc. If you do go and when you get back, if she is still an absolute wreck, then I would suggest counseling for you guys. She may have anxiety issues and you can learn the best way to deal with them...but no child has ever died because their mom had to go away for a few days! I promise you!!! Sometimes it is harder for us moms to know that our kids didn't need us as much as we thought they did!!

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I TOTALLY agree with her first sentence!!!!!! You never know when an emergency might pop up that might require you to leave her...and you really need to get her used to the idea that when you leave, you will come back.

My 2 younger boys tried this on me when I used to go to scrapbooking weekends away...but dh planned things for them while I was gone. They tried calling me the first day and cried & whined...but then magically (ah hem) I didn't have reception and they just learned to "live"...by the time I got home...dh said they had had a lot of quality time together doing fun things (the point is for him to keep the child busy with fun things they don't normally get to do)...and they have managed ever since. Now they will still tell me at 14 and 15 they don't want me to leave...believe it or not...but they get immersed in stuff and look surprised when I walk back in the door.

Maybe your child could have a friend over to play while you're gone and order pizza and such...might be a good distraction. That age, if I remember correctly, like to make "forts"...pull out a bunch of large sheets or light weight blankets and have them ready for a Make a Fort weekend and allow her to play in them...make it only for times when you are gone...something special to do.

I've had to go away suddenly before for someone being sick...and so glad we had this done before...so even though they would cry when I would leave...dh got good at the distractions after I got out the door. When we got a phone call about my dad being in a hospital and not sure if he was going to make it...dh and I BOTH had to leave suddenly...so glad we had had these other weekends with me being gone...it was kind of a shock to the boys that suddenly we were leaving them with grandparents...but they knew I always came back...so figured we would too.

Wouldn't hurt to take her to a psychologist to make sure there isn't some other issue going on. ...and the psychologist can give you and your dh hints on ways to prepare her and sometimes it is a matter of how you "word things" to her. ...and I agree with the other that said don't talk about your advance plans in front of her...