What Can I Say or Do??

Gah - I've had a crap afternoon. My best friend called me and I could tell something was wrong. She's been trying her hardest to make her marraige work - she and her husband separated for quite some time because he cheated on her and was abusive. About 2 years ago, he started changing for the better and she decided that for herself & her kids, she'd give him one last chance. She made him "date" her & prove himself for well over a year before making the decision to move back in with him (which she did last June - so a full year ago).

She's been pretty miserable. He hasn't changed at all, and recently has been starting to get a little more abusive - just "playful" punches, but she says that's how he starts. But a bomb was dropped on her today. She found out from her SIL that WHILE he was trying to win her back last year, he had a girlfriend!! And he brought her over to his parents & introduced her to them & all his brothers & SIL's! WHILE he was telling his wife (my best friend) that he was changed, would never cheat again, etc.

She was just bawling & bawling on the phone. I didn't know what to say! She's over 8 hours away so I couldn't even run over there and give her a hug. Of course I couldn't go on about what an ass he was (although I sure wanted to), because I don't know what she's wanting to do. She's been suspecting for a few months that he might be cheating, but to be told by her SIL that he was, and that they had all met her was a huge shock.

Anyone know what I can say or do to help her?? I've never lived through what she's facing, so I'm just drawing a blank. I'm completely devastated for her & her sweet kiddos.

My Mom went through something similar, minus the abuse and adding in a child had with said GF. She found enormous support online. One was a Yahoo group, I don't think I ever knew the name. The other was on iVillage, think it was a message board called Betrayed Spouses. Good luck!

First off, you'll want to be very loving and supportive. Ask her what she wants to do. Tell her you'll stand behind her decision, and you're there to listen as she talks through anything she needs to.

Gently suggest that she doesn't want his violence to impact her children. Even if he only hurts her, if they see it, it can cause them a lot of issues down the road, too. You don't want to tell her it can cause issues quite with that wording, but maybe suggest that it's not something she really wants them around. Be VERY gentle with what you say-- if she is still feeling loyal to him despite the abuse, she may get upset with you for suggesting she leave... Be gentle. Are you able to offer her and/or her kids a place to stay for a day or two? Tell her that she needs a "mini vacation" from him, a place to go for a day or two until she can feel a little freedom and think some things through, without pressure from anyone- him OR anyone else.

ETA: My ex husband didn't cheat, but he was abusive, so if you need any insight on that front, I'd be happy to help. The fact that she's admitting it happened, and that this is usually how it starts, is a really good sign for her. It shows she's not going through the denial phase, which is what I went through for the longest period of time before leaving my husband.

Jengerbread88 said:

First off, you'll want to be very loving and supportive. Ask her what she wants to do. Tell her you'll stand behind her decision, and you're there to listen as she talks through anything she needs to.

Gently suggest that she doesn't want his violence to impact her children. Even if he only hurts her, if they see it, it can cause them a lot of issues down the road, too. You don't want to tell her it can cause issues quite with that wording, but maybe suggest that it's not something she really wants them around. Be VERY gentle with what you say-- if she is still feeling loyal to him despite the abuse, she may get upset with you for suggesting she leave... Be gentle. Are you able to offer her and/or her kids a place to stay for a day or two? Tell her that she needs a "mini vacation" from him, a place to go for a day or two until she can feel a little freedom and think some things through, without pressure from anyone- him OR anyone else.

ETA: My ex husband didn't cheat, but he was abusive, so if you need any insight on that front, I'd be happy to help. The fact that she's admitting it happened, and that this is usually how it starts, is a really good sign for her. It shows she's not going through the denial phase, which is what I went through for the longest period of time before leaving my husband.

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She mentioned to me today on the phone that she knows that if she stays with him, her kids will need counselling. They are already afraid of him, and they don't like him (she has 3 kids with him - but they've never really lived with him before, she left 8 years ago, and just moved back in 1 year ago). She has been back here (where her parents are, she grew up here) just a month ago, and she's coming for 3 weeks in just 2.5 weeks from now (but I told her that she needs to high-tail it here ASAP).

She's left him before and lived on her own raising their 3 children for 8 years by herself, she's not afraid to do it again. She said she was going to flat out ask him if he even wanted her to stay (not that it will make a difference if he's cheating), and she said that it would "be a relief" if he said no. She has 1 foot out the door already, and isn't afraid of leaving all together.

But she's devastated just the same.

In that case, it makes it a lot harder to know what to do or say. If she has one foot out the door, it's not the leaving that's hard, or her safety that's a concern, but her emotional state.

At that point, I think her best bet is counseling, and the knowledge that her friends and family love her VERY much...

Jengerbread88 said:

In that case, it makes it a lot harder to know what to do or say. If she has one foot out the door, it's not the leaving that's hard, or her safety that's a concern, but her emotional state.

At that point, I think her best bet is counseling, and the knowledge that her friends and family love her VERY much...

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I agree. She's amazingly strong & I told her so, and I told her not to hesitate to call me WHENEVER she needs to talk & to vent (I was the first person she called - moments after having the news dropped on her, and she kept apologizing for venting). Before she hung up I told her I was there no matter what, and that I loved her, which just made her cry more (but I know it was because she knows it was true). I just have such a sad, sad heart, and wish I could make her hurting go away.

I don't have much knowledge in this area (abuse and cheating) so I am not going to advise in it. I just wanted to let you know that the BEST you can do for her is listen and be there. Sending lots of hugs and prayers for you and your BFF. ((HUGS))

Listen. Don't judge. She's hurting and she's confused. She's probably going to just want to ramble a lot, get those thoughts out in the open, vent. Listen. Be supportive. Don't bad-mouth him no matter what she says - just makes it worse when someone else says what you already know. Keep telling her that she's strong and that she will get through this. It's time that she put her children and herself first.

Pray for them. Ask to be provided with the right words, at the right times.

It's a helpless situation. Just be her friend.