Is this selfish of me?

I have been a SAHM for the last 17 years (and loved every minute of it). I have a Bachelors degree in elem. ed. and my sub license (I have my degree but have not had my own classroom). My kids are in school full-time now (youngest in 3rd grade). I have done some subbing in the past couple of years, but honestly, I enjoy staying home so much more right now. My days are completely mine. I can keep my house neat and clean, keep up with other chores, and I won't lie...have all that free time to scrap! :thumbup:

I am VERY lucky for the fact that I do not have to work. DH has a very stable job and we live nicely on one income. Is it so bad that I want to stay home? I am a homebody by nature, but as I said before, I am able to do things (including the upkeep of my house) that I wouldn't be able to do if I worked (I don't know how you working moms do it). Also, my DH and kids are all home Friday-Sunday (they're all on a 4-day work/school week), and we do a lot of traveling/running around on the weekends for sports games and activities.. I just look at Mon-Thurs as "all mine". Selfish?

I guess that depends on the situation. If your husband would like some things or more time or whatnot, but cannot have them becasuse of you staying home, then I guess it would be? If he values the things you do now higher, then it's a very private decision of the two of you.

I probably wouldn't give up on it completely though. You never know what you might need your skills and contacts for in the future. Not every marriage lasts forever, not every job lasts forever. Or you might not like it all on your own, once your kiddos are more grown up and don't spend most of their free time with the family. Guess in all cases it would be helpful to still have at least a small job bit of subbing.

But then again, I'm totally not born to be home alone all the time. So I admit I might be biased here.

I don't think it's selfish at all. I have a degree and worked in the Corporate world for 10 years before I had kids. I loved my work, but I always wanted to be a SAHM. So, when our first child was born, and since our finances allowed it, I quit my job. I don't have any intention to go back to work after all my kids are in school. I plan to stay at home and do the things you are talking about. Sure, you have more time to yourself right now to do the things that you WANT to do, but you also have more time to take care of the house and do other things that create a happy, peaceful environment for your family. And, you are THERE when your kids and husband need you. That counts for a lot and isn't always possible when you have a full-time job. You paid your dues during the crazy toddler/pre-school years, right?

I'll never judge those mothers who work outside the home. Everyone has her own circumstances and needs. But, if what you want to do (and it's financially and otherwise feasible) is stay home, take care of the house, and enjoy the extra time to spend on your hobbies, there's nothing wrong with that in my book. Just count yourself blessed that it's an option.

I have been a SAHM for almost 16 years now. I have not finished college as I kept having kid after kid. At some point I want to go back to school, but I just got my last child into half day kindergarten this year and it's kinda nice to have this "free" time for just doing nothing or watching the TV I want to watch or really just whatever. I don't think it's selfish at all. As Mother's we have given of ourselves and scarified for our children half of our lives. I say it's completely acceptable to have some much needed me time! Don't feel guilty at all!

Thank you ladies, I was afraid that I might be raked over the coals for this one, LOL

I do consider taking care of the house, having dinner on the table every night, being here when the kids get home from school, my job. I really enjoy my life and don't want anything to change. When I did sub, I was stressed because by the time I got home in the afternoon, there were dishes still in the sink from breakfast, the laundry wasn't done, etc, etc.

I love my time, and I do consider myself very, very lucky to be able to stay home and not work.

ltarbox said:

I don't think it's selfish at all. I have a degree and worked in the Corporate world for 10 years before I had kids. I loved my work, but I always wanted to be a SAHM. So, when our first child was born, and since our finances allowed it, I quit my job. I don't have any intention to go back to work after all my kids are in school. I plan to stay at home and do the things you are talking about. Sure, you have more time to yourself right now to do the things that you WANT to do, but you also have more time to take care of the house and do other things that create a happy, peaceful environment for your family. And, you are THERE when your kids and husband need you. That counts for a lot and isn't always possible when you have a full-time job. You paid your dues during the crazy toddler/pre-school years, right?

I'll never judge those mothers who work outside the home. Everyone has her own circumstances and needs. But, if what you want to do (and it's financially and otherwise feasible) is stay home, take care of the house, and enjoy the extra time to spend on your hobbies, there's nothing wrong with that in my book. Just count yourself blessed that it's an option.

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THIS!!! I couldn't have said it better!!

My hubby says that knowing that I have everything under control at home is a huge relief for him...

This kind of hit home with me. I've been a SAHM for the last 11 years. I was actually a SAHW before we had kids. Anyway, this year my youngest started kindergarten. I had big plans to do SO much while the kids were both in school (we have all day kindergarten here). I was going to get the house organized, purge all the stuff we don't use, do some gardening, start walking the dogs more often, go to the library by myself, scrap more, design more, you know... all those things that are hard to do with kiddos in tow.

So, two weeks in to the school year and I go to the first PTO meeting. One of the principals pipes up and asked "do you want a job?". First I was so excited at the prospect of working at the school. I never finished my degree in elementary education like I had planned but I've still always had this secret wish to be a teacher or at least work in a school in some capacity. I jumped at the offer and set up a meeting with her for the following day.

That night I freaked out. Big time! I couldn't sleep. All I could do was cry. I was so frustrated because it suddenly hit me that I would have NO time to myself. I waited 9 long years for a few minutes to myself and suddenly I was going to give it up?? Not only that, I would be missing out on all of my kids' school stuff if I had to work the same hours they were in school. I got out of bed at 4 in the morning and emailed the principal an apology telling her I had a change of heart. I felt selfish because here my husband works sometimes 70 hours a week and I didn't want to give up my 'me' time. I started thinking about it like this... in order for me to be a good wife and a good mom and a good home executor, I need a little time to wind down and relax and just be me without someone needing something from me. I haven't had that in years and I needed the time.

In my case, it worked out kind of crazy, best of both worlds you could say. I got a call a few days later from the principal asking me to think about something. She had a person wanting to work part time and would I be interested in working part time as well and sharing the job. I was immediately thrilled! I work 8-11:30. I have 4 hours after work before my kids get out of school. If I need to leave work to go to a party or assembly for one of my kids, I'm free to do so. I absolutely love the job and the hours but I have to admit that my 4 hours goes by all too quickly and I'm not getting a lot done around here... there are still times I wish I wasn't working despite the fact that I love the job more than I've ever loved a job.

I think it is the most unselfish thing a woman can do to devote her life to caring for her home and family. In today's world a woman can do just about anything she wants and so many look down on the choice of being a stay at home mom or even stay at home wife but it really is one of the hardest things a woman can do. (also one of the most rewarding though). I am so glad I had the chance to be able to do it. There were times I felt guilty about not contributing financially but I just had to remind myself that some things are more important then money and the contribution I made to our family was just as valuable as a paycheck. I made sure my kids had someone at home every single day, they had dinner on the table at 5 every night, I was there to help with homework and school projects and to listen to their problems etc. I know I would not have been able to do as much as I did if I worked outside the home and working at home taking care of the house, yard, kids and husband was a full time job!! Especially when the kids were younger. So no I do not think you should feel as though you are being selfish at all.

If your husband isn't having to work more so you don't have to, then no i don't think it's selfish. I've got 2 degrees, I worked in the corporate world for over 12 years before we had kids. I gave it up to be a SAHM when my oldest was born. I thought about going back once my youngest was in kindergarten but we sat & talked about it & there is just so much stuff that I do that wouldn't get done if I went back to work even part time out of the home. Not juse cooking , cleaning & grocery shopping but stuff like today where I had to spent 2 hours running around to three different places to get our personal property tax bill straightened out because they hadn't taken off a motorcycle DH sold & tried to say I turned the form in late which I couldn't have because we sold the motorcycle before the form was due, etc. Then I was on the phone for more than an hour with our health insurance which cannot make up it's mind if DH's recent MRI and stress test were or were not covered, then with the hospital to get things resubmitted. None of that could have been done in a lunch hour. Plus there is all the time off the kids get from school, I'd have to take off work when they are scheduled days off & one of us (probably me) would have to call off if a kid was sick. We have no family nearby to watch the kids & there are no drop in day cares, especially for sick kids. Then there is the budget that has to be overseen carefully & coupons clipped, sales managed, etc. Oh and the various school things that the kids need rides to and from.

In the end it makes far more sense for me to continue to stay home. I consider the 'me time' to be my payment for all the other stuff I do.

Like others have said, I don't consider it selfish unless your decision to stay home is making your DH work more than he otherwise would or causing your family to go without things that matter more than you being home. If you going back to work would only be for luxuries and you and your DH are happier with the current arrangement, then great.

I've been a SAHM since my oldest was born 8 years ago, and I have 3 years until my youngest enters full day school. At that point I'll be going back part time if I can find something. We still want me to be home for the kids after school, but my salary is going to go toward their college savings. I can't stay home forever without costing the family something that DH and I think is important, but I'll admit that I'm not going to be upset if it takes few months to find a job and I get that chance for some time to myself first.

But all that is our plan for now. I don't think DH really realizes how many days I spend taking kids to doctor's appointments, going to school meetings and events, caring for sick kids, caring for the kids during days off school, etc. There's no one else to help us with that, so I've warned him that once I go back he's going to have to be the one who takes off for all of that for a few years. After all, he'll have spent the last 11 years earning seniority, saving up his sick and vacation days, building a reputation at work, etc. while I did what needed to be done for the kids. If I try to do all that and establish myself in a new job after being out of the workforce for so long, I'd expect to get fired pretty quickly. I honestly don't know how we are going to make it all work, since DH isn't going to like it once he sees how much more is expected of him for the family when I'm working.

I say kudos to you!!!!!!!! I have worked the last 20 years and thought being a SAHM would be great for a change. So I did it {after I retired in Jan}, went back to school full time and decided it wasn't my cup of tea LOL I think I am just too old and tired and very very impatient! I did like having the time to go run errands, go on field trips, get things done during the day that sometimes you can't do when you work full time. Even though it is not for me, I ADMIRE every one of you that can do it. I am just the type of person that needs alot of adult interaction and conversation and being a SAHM didn't do that for me.But my new job keps me close to home {2 miles} and I work 730-4 {so I will be hom right about the time the kids get home} and it will give us extra income to splurge on some vacations and things we want to buy for our house. But, I do think you should keep your skills up with the subbing, because one day you may want to work full time

I think any solution is fine as long as you and your family are happy with it. That's what most important.

As far as I'm concerned, I feel the same amount of respect for long-term SAHMs, for working moms, for single or divorced moms, but also for single and childless women who manage to support themselves and come to terms with loneliness (know loads of them, been there, and I know how hard it is). All of it has its pros and cons and nobody is better or worse or more selfish than the rest.

The only thing that matters is that you don't deprive anyone of anything important by your choice. It seems to me that it's not the case with you, so just go ahead and do whatever feels right for you.

Not selfish at all. If you were sitting on the couch scrapping all day, maybe? But if it is making a meaningful difference for your family...house is cleaner, dinner is ready, you can volunteer in the classroom or go on field trips, run errands...it's not selfish at all. Women don't choose often enough to do what's right for their mental health...to give themselves a break. It's not the 50's yet we are all very programmed to do, do, do, and to feel guilty to indulging in relaxation the way our husbands feel downright entitled to...so this is a sore spot with me. I have a wonderful husband who helps out in the house and is great with the kids, etc., but when I am home all day my goal IS for him to come home to a clean house and a meal on the table so that we can spend our evening as a family. It improves not just my, but his quality of life too.

Not all all...I taught for 9 years and told my DH if we decided to have any mor children I WOULD stay home!!! I MAY sub when the little one gets into school full time but I have 6 years for that. I love being home with my kids and will love being here when they get home from school!! I know there will be a whole different need when they are all is school....sports, going here and there....and I am excited that I CAN be here for them!!!! I am thankful that DH has a great job and can provide for us (I just dread the teenage years with 4 boys)

I don't think so at all. I think that as long as both your DH & you are happy with it then there's no need to feel selfish.

Thank you everyone, for your input!

No, DH does not work extra hours so that I can stay home. He has had the same schedule for the last 19 years. We are still able to take vacations and save for the girls' college funds on his income alone (not a brag, just a fact that I am VERY grateful for).

I will try and stop feeling guilty. I do a lot around the house and most importantly, I am "on call" for my kids 24/7. Just this morning, I ran up to my oldest dd's school to bring her her gym socks that she had forgotten. Not something I would have been able to do if I were working!

And I guess the very most important part of this all is, I'm happy being home.

Are you kidding? ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF BEING A SAHM.
I stayed home for 10 years and then had to go back to work. I would give anything to be back home with my girls!

I'm a firm believer that you need to look at your life now as you will see it at the end of your life. What then would you wish you did more of? I know that everyone has a purpose and they are going to be happiest when fulfilling that purpose. So if your purpose and joy in life is supporting your family then life it to the fullest! Be there for your kids, do as much as you can to keep the house well and make life easier and more joy filled for your husband, and refresh yourself so that you can be there 100% for your family when they need you!