Need Some More advice :)

so I know some of you guys read my thread about anti-depressants, but can you girls help me on a more personal relationship level? Let me give you a little background....I have NEVER been a touchy feely kind of person ever {even though I have 4 kids LOL}, but our marriage is really rocky right now and our sex life has been BLAH for a really really long time....so can any of you girls give me any advice on what to do to help in this situation? Personally I could do without it, but I know the more I give the more he will do in return {help when I ask, do more things around the house, etc}.....but at the end of the day, I just want to go to bed

I can relate. Can you talk to him about it? One thing they say is to visualize it and it will help you get in the mood. I think sometimes we need to focus on the feelings and not the tiredness. I've been there with my ex and I went through phases. Lots and then long dry spells. What about talking to your dr? Good luck and I hope things turn around soon.

I came across this article recently about the 10 things that have made a difference in their marriage, and I thought it had a lot of practical, simple things to do.

Joel and i go in cycles where I feel like the luckiest girl alive to asking God why he would let me marry someone who doesn't even love me. And I am not kidding; I feel both of those emotions strongly whenever I'm feeling them. What I've found is that when we're in the black part of the cycle, one of us HAS to act in a way we're not feeling in order to restore balance to our relationship. When I do something that says to Joel, "I love you" in his language (i.e. initiating sex, serving him {is it terrible that I HATE doing things for him that he could totally do himself??}, going out of my way to make him feel special).

And, I'm just tellin' ya what works for me, I find that my thoughts direct my feelings a lot of the time, so I try to think about him during the day, fantasize about him, and blah blah. I think good things about him, and it really does change the way I'm feeling. Then again sometimes I just suck it up and have sex, not because any part of me wants it but because I value my husband.

Sorry things are rocky right now. I hope you work your way out of rocky soon. I know how bad it sucks.

This is an Awesome read: The 5 Love Languages. It has changed our relationship, as we try to keep our respective "love tanks" full.

My husband's languages are act of services and physical touch, so I know he needs certain things to be happy. For example, nothing makes him more happy than arriving home and having a home cooked meal waiting especially for him. As for physical touch, he has a much bigger drive than me - I could basically take it or leave it, but it makes him happy, so I initiate and I find that the saying we have , L'appétit vient en mangeant, meaning that hunger comes when your eating, is true.

On the other hand, my languages are gifts and words of affirmation, so DH will make sure to fulfill my need when I need it. He'll bring me a coffee when coming back from work, or he'll compliment me and tell me how much he's happy with me, etc.

I hope you find your way out of this situation.

(01) It is not terribly romantic, but you need to start scheduling private time just like you do any other appointment in your week. Do you always want to go to the dentist? No, but you go because it keeps you healthy. This is a commitment of health that you are making to your husband and family, and I would let your DH know that that is your intention. If he can begin to count on private time, he will probably relax abt other things. If you can begin to count on private time, it won't stress you out the rest of the week wondering when/if it will happen. I'm sure your DH will not care that it's scheduled/not spontaneous/not romantic. You will have to stick with it, though, even if you don't want to right then. You will likely find that it becomes more enjoyable once you have gotten back into the habit. Hopefully, after several weeks, you will add/modify the routine to include either more frequent private time and/or feel 'inspired' enough to initiate it (or let DH know you're interested if he does) spontaneously.

(02) Why does it have to be at the end of the day? What abt the mornings? Or is there any odd time during the week when your kids are otherwise occupied/at school that you can use? Again, you are making a commitment to your husband and marriage, so as long as it gets done, it does not matter how, when, where.

(03) You will likely find that after your DH finds out that you are serious abt this commitment and have kept your word for a period of time he will be much more interested in being a partner to you with helping with the house, the kids, etc. You still need to keep your promise even if he doesn't (and make sure you tell him so that he doesn't think you are trying to manipulate him in that way!), but he will likely return the favor.

I know exactly what you mean... the more intimate you are with each other the more you want to be there for each other and help each other out. I think maybe starting with just being together and spending time together alone ... in a non sexual way. Just reconnecting? Maybe if you can do that and be intimate in that way maybe those feelings of wanting to be intimate in a physical way will naturally follow? I know dh and I NEED to be alone together once in a while. As for sex, I had to talk to him and tell him I HATE morning cause that was all he ever wanted and felt neglected cause I didn't ... talking about it helps too. Have you openly talked about it?

I second the 5 love Languages book. Read it and DISCUSS it with your hubby. It totally transformed my relationship with my husband. I just didn't know his love language and was loving on him the way I love to be loved on and then frustrated "when it didn't work". This is a huge step. His is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is acts of service.

Another book I enjoyed is Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman. It is an easy read with smaller chapters. I would read a chapter one night and Steve would read the next chapter the next night. The biggest thing I learned from that book.........if you are committed to your relationship then you need to be committed to sexual intimacy. In the book he recommends twice a week for a healthy marriage. Seriously blew my mind. One, because I don't have much of a drive but two, to put it in plain facts made me realize how much I had neglected my husband. AND I will say.........the more you do it, the more you want it. For reals. It is amazing the tricks your mind can play on you. Also, the more you do it, the more satisfied your man is.........which in turn is good for the relationship (less irritable, more helpful, ect).

You girls who have hubbies who will read those books are lucky!! Never in a MILLION years would my husband read a book about relationships. Sad, but true. And I certainly do not get hung up on that.

Angie - you've been married about 20 years, right? I'm almost at 22 but we've been together almost 26 and it's darn hard to keep things interesting. But you've been given some great advice and things to try here. I just know my husband and know what I can attempt and what not to even try.

maryinaz said:

You girls who have hubbies who will read those books are lucky!! Never in a MILLION years would my husband read a book about relationships. Sad, but true. And I certainly do not get hung up on that.

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Lol. This. Hubby has not read one single book since the day he finished his Masters Degree almost eight years ago. Not one.

And, I just have to say that it's nice to read some things that make me feel like I'm not a freak of nature. DH and I have a pretty good relationship. It could be better, but after everything we went through last year, we are pretty solid in knowing that we can count on each other. But, there are some things that need improvement as well.

Hope things get better for you, Angie. I agree . . . you've received some good advice in this thread.

thanks girls and yes mary it will be 20 years this year but we have been together since 1991 and I think my DH would not read a book either...but I do think we are gonna try couseling and see how that goes....

Just a note.........my hubby won't read those books either. I started reading a loud to him in bed. Then talked about it. I kind of FORCED it on him. lol Then when I got the second book, he offered to read every other chapter (after some prodding from a mutual friend that recommended the Sheet Music book).

taracotta7 said:

Another book I enjoyed is Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman. It is an easy read with smaller chapters. I would read a chapter one night and Steve would read the next chapter the next night. The biggest thing I learned from that book.........if you are committed to your relationship then you need to be committed to sexual intimacy. In the book he recommends twice a week for a healthy marriage. Seriously blew my mind. One, because I don't have much of a drive but two, to put it in plain facts made me realize how much I had neglected my husband. AND I will say.........the more you do it, the more you want it. For reals. It is amazing the tricks your mind can play on you. Also, the more you do it, the more satisfied your man is.........which in turn is good for the relationship (less irritable, more helpful, ect).

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That book sounds interesting Tara. My drive has been pathetic for a while. I know that eeeeeverything is gonna change soon enough, but thanks for mentioning the bolded part above. I mean, we're young, we really have no excuses. More so *I* have no excuses for neglecting him the way that I do.

My advice, is to try and plan a getaway for you two. The Army does marriage retreats over here that have been AMAZING for our marriage. We hit a very bad spot before I got here. The Chaplin runs it and they have child care for us. They also put us up at a resort. We have workshops for our marriage. Lots of talking, some worksheets to look over and the 5 love languages book. It has made a world of difference for us. And for me it shows me sometimes we just need to get away the two of us and have us time. No talking about kids or any home stuff. It helps later in the hotel room too.
I will say we still go through dry spells. It seems like one of us is always tired and doesn't wanna. But I try not to be tired 7 days a weeks. Like one of the other ladies said, sometimes you have to think about it all day, visualize it and get yourself in the mood. That way when he comes home your in the right mindset.

My DH wouldn't have ever read a book about relationships either, until ours was at stake. Then he read more books than ever and was the one encouraging me to read. lol

First of all, you have to be in the position to be comfortable communicating with your husband. Do you feel like you can talk to him? Do you feel like you make progress when you discuss things? Does it end up in a fight? Does one of you shut down or walk away?

Communication has to come first. If you don't have this, I would highly suggest seeing a marriage & family counselor.

If you have good communication already and feel comfortable discussing things like this with him, then you're already off to a good start. When you and DH feel like you're "connecting", sex is easy and desirable. If you're feeling disconnected, then it's work.

I don't want to write a novel here, but if you just want some tips to re-kindle the fire (so to speak), I can make a few suggestions as well. I recently found an AMAZING toy (skeptical at first, but WOW!!) that really increased the quantity and quality of our time spent in the bedroom.
But if you and DH are feeling disconnected, I'd rather talk to you via PM or IM (anytime you want...okay?)

I love the 5 languages of love book. I was pretty much aware of what made my husband feel special before I read it but I was definitely sure after I read it. I'm one of the girls who could take it or leave it when it comes to the physical parts. I keep waiting for that mid-life sex drive spike but it hasn't happened yet. LOL My DH definitely feels most loved during intimacy and it makes him feel even better if I'm the one to initiate it so I work at it.

I was just reading this blog last night: http://loveactually-blog-ideas.blogspot.com/2010/03/date-nights.html There were some cute ideas there to spice things up a bit.

taracotta7 said:

I second the 5 love Languages book. Read it and DISCUSS it with your hubby. It totally transformed my relationship with my husband. I just didn't know his love language and was loving on him the way I love to be loved on and then frustrated "when it didn't work". This is a huge step. His is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is acts of service.

Another book I enjoyed is Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman. It is an easy read with smaller chapters. I would read a chapter one night and Steve would read the next chapter the next night. The biggest thing I learned from that book.........if you are committed to your relationship then you need to be committed to sexual intimacy. In the book he recommends twice a week for a healthy marriage. Seriously blew my mind. One, because I don't have much of a drive but two, to put it in plain facts made me realize how much I had neglected my husband. AND I will say.........the more you do it, the more you want it. For reals. It is amazing the tricks your mind can play on you. Also, the more you do it, the more satisfied your man is.........which in turn is good for the relationship (less irritable, more helpful, ect).

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Twice a week? Oy! LOL I swear, I try but it just doesn't always work out. He works midnights. He gets home at 7:10 in the morning. I walk out the door at 7:20 to go to work. He goes to bed. I pick the kids up at 3:30 and come home and wake him up at 4:00. We eat dinner, do homework with kids, sports practices, etc. and then its time for bed. Half the time DH is going back in to work at 7pm which means he's going back before the kids go to bed even. If he isn't going in to work at 7 we're still fighting to get the kids to sleep. Half the time I'm going to bed before they are asleep so I can get up for work and DH is getting ready to leave for work. The weekends are about our only chance and then there's always something coming up... him pulling double shifts, us having extra kids in the house, etc. We usually get in once a week but not always. I know he'd like a little more attention but we have some serious obstacles!

I haven't read all of the responses, but I do agree with the "why does it have to be at night" mentality....

I know James and and I have only been together 2 1/2 years....which puts us in a different category than you....

But we are both very happy in that area, and I just have to agree that if we waited till nighttime it just wouldn't happen as often. We exceed the recommended frequency that was mentioned by making the morning our friend

I hope you find something that works for you! I have experienced what's it's like to NOT want to, and I know how frustrating that can be, too.

taracotta7 said:

Just a note.........my hubby won't read those books either. I started reading a loud to him in bed. Then talked about it. I kind of FORCED it on him. lol Then when I got the second book, he offered to read every other chapter (after some prodding from a mutual friend that recommended the Sheet Music book).

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I have a hubby who reads, but I had the 5 Love Languages in English and DH only reads French, so I would read it at night beside him and discuss it with him. And the good thing with this book is that it works with the kids too. You can discover your children's love languages and use them for positive reinforcement.

I really enjoyed Laura Schlessinger's "Care and Feeding of Husbands". I was a little skeptical reading the book, but she's got some awesome ideas! Book Here at Amazon

Another good book (this one with a spiritual slant) that is specifically about intimacy:

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of S*xual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr.Kevin Leman

For the most part I think everyone here has covered what I'd recommend already. But I'll add that things like birth control pills and certain medications can affect your drive, too. I was on BCP for years and didn't realize how badly they'd been affecting my interest level until I was finally off them.

One other thing is that contrary to the usual advice, what I need is not more time with DH, but more time by myself. After being with people all day and having the kids hanging on me, I just want to be left alone in all ways by the time the kids go to sleep. DH knows that if he handles the kids for an hour so I can have a little time to myself, his chances of me being in the mood (or making the effort to get there if I'm not) are much better.

Good luck! I hope you're able to move past the rough patch soon.

After recently going on anti-anxiety meds, sexual drive for me is a big issue. We never had problems in this area until I started the meds, so it's been a rocky road trying to get things...going again. My problem is putting so much pressure on myself to try to make things the way they used to be. We both have to recognize that this is something we're going to have to get through together. I miss the way it used to be, for sure, because physical intimacy between us has always been so important, and well, good!

I'm not one to read self-help books, but I came across that 5 Love Languages book and it made A LOT of sense to me. I need those "Words of Affirmation," and I don't know if I would have really recognized that if not for this book.

So, I probably don't have a lot to add to the conversation, but I just came across this series on Pinterest (well, I mean the SERIES isn't on Pinterest, but I FOUND it there, of course) about sexual intimacy, and she starts at that place you said you're at: I don't want it really. 29 Days to Great Sex I've been reading through it, and I like it so far.

LenaGardner said:

I haven't read all of the responses, but I do agree with the "why does it have to be at night" mentality....

I know James and and I have only been together 2 1/2 years....which puts us in a different category than you....

But we are both very happy in that area, and I just have to agree that if we waited till nighttime it just wouldn't happen as often. We exceed the recommended frequency that was mentioned by making the morning our friend

I hope you find something that works for you! I have experienced what's it's like to NOT want to, and I know how frustrating that can be, too.

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With four small children making a mommy who is very tired at the end of the day, mornings have become my friend, too!

I've gone through ups and downs, but I have found that if I stay committed to our relationship and making changes myself before I expect anything from him, things eventually work out.