Advice needed

[littlekiwi]

According to a friend of mine, it appears I've hurt her feelings. I've known that her dad has cancer for most of the year however when I was asking her over FB messenger about something else she said her dad isnt well and in hospital waiting for a hospice bed. At the time I didnt say anything cause I wasnt sure what to say to her so left it. A few hours later I quickly ask her a tech question cause I couldnt find out the answer myself. She responds that she cant answer it cause shes at the hospital which I understand as well as because I didnt say anything to her about it earlier. She then promptly says her dad might not make it to christmas. I didnt respond to her then why I didnt say anything earlier cause i wasnt sure how to explain it without it appearing like i didnt care. I do care so feel like i need to do something to make it up to her as we've been friends for about 15 years-any suggestions.

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[jacinda]

Write her a letter/message explaining exactly what happened and why you reacted the way you did. Tell her you just didn't know what to say, and that it wasn't because you didn't care. Be honest. Express how much she means to you, and offer a sincere apology for hurting her feelings. I'm sure she'll come around - she obviously has a lot on her plate right now, and needs a friend to lean on.

[rach3975]

I'm not sure what you had in mind, but I'd send an email tonight or tomorrow saying I was sorry to hear her father isn't doing well and asking if there was anything I could do to help or support her. If you want to do more and she's local, you could offer to meet for coffee if she wants to talk or you could offer to shop or clean for her while she's at the hospital.

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[SeattleSheri]

I agree with the advice from the other ladies -- I would absolutely acknowledge your mistake, make an apologize and offer her your support. I would also refrain from asking her tech questions during this stressful time.

[littlekiwi]

Tech questions are well and truly over for now thats for sure. I'll wait til tomorrow to email her as she's heard from me enough today!

I was thinking of meeting up with her but I'd rather she spends the time with family if there is limited time with her dad.

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[littlekiwi]

Here is what I emailed to her just now to read when she wakes up tomorrow.

I'm sorry if I offended you today with my actions online but I struggled to come up with the right words at the time to express my thoughts to you and your family with what is going on right now in the ***** (her surname, just protecting her privacy)family. I hope you understand that I do care and am hear to listen or even meet up when you are ready to later down the track.

Love to you and your family,

Jennifer



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[Valgal]

Yes, always just be upfront and honest. It's ok to say, "I don't know what to say right now." and then affirm that you love her. I'm terrible when some dies or is sick. All I can think to say is "I'm sorry." because I don't know what I would want to hear if it was me experiencing the loss.

It's good that you left it open for her to meet with you. Also, she's going through a lot and probably wouldn't always react this way under normal circumstances.

[carrie1977]

I was also going to suggest what Sandy did...maybe offer her a little break in the cafeteria for some coffee...or even offer to bring her a coffee and sit with her. I'm sure deep down she knows that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings. She's going thru a very emotional time right now and sometimes even the littlest of things hurt.

[julifish]

My dad was just diagnosed with cancer this Fall and we weren't sure if he was going to make it to the holidays or not. It's a terrible feeling and it's all you can think about it. I think your note back to your friend is sweet and she will appreciate your honesty. Also, I agree that offering to stop by the hospital and give her a little emotional break would wonderful. Just being able to talk out your feelings without upsetting the patient or other family members is so therapeutic. I wish the best for your friend's dad and their family. I'm sure this is a very hard time for them.

[renatasluis]

I think you did right with your last email.
when you explain your actions.

[littlekiwi]

As it turned out my friends dad passed away overnight on Monday. Today I sent a sympathy card to the family.

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[jacinda]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Jenn.

[carrie1977]

I'm so sorry, Jennifer.