Do you ever feel guilty <parenting>

thank you girlies <3 and thank you for all the ideas.
Amusingly, I tried to carve out some time earlier to hang with ce but he didnt' want anything to do with it and went and sat in the kitchen to play legos alone (didnt want me to play either haha)... SO clearly, I'm being a bit too hard on myself & taking his "you dont play with me enough" too seriously.

I've looked into big brother before- i'm a little hesitant- but i do think if we could find the right fit.. it could be really great for ce. My brother lives in maine, so we rarely see him & my dad, while awesome.. doesn't see him much either. My neighbor has been trying to interact with ce a little here and there.. lol it's pretty obvious he's lacking in the man time department - even to people who barely know him ^_^ so that is good of him.. but something regular would probably be really great for him.

Oh like the others said you are definitely not alone! I feel this way so much too because I too dedicate a lot of time to designing (and I have 4 kiddos!).

The truth is La that we oftentimes compare our own reality (and our worst self) to what we *think* is other people's *best reality*. I bet if you were to go up to one of those moms she would tell you she's right there with you! And if she doesn't, then she's on something. LOL!

Anyway, if setting aside one day per week is stressful, what if you do 1 hour a week where you play a game with him, or take him to the park, or go on a walk or bike ride, or go for ice cream? Or even doodle, but make it something that would be fun for BOTH of you because if it's not fun for you too, it's not gonna go far (I know from experience). But do it consistently, like the same day of every week do the one hour and see how that goes. But you have to stick to it. It might not work the first couple of times or even more (and amazingly he may even reject it but really that's negative attention) but go, just do it. Then come back and report mama.

don't feel quilty :} I feel like this all the time! and now that I am not working and retired I feel even more guilty...but my kids get what they need, know that I LOVE them and know that I will do ANYTHING for them and to me that is alot~I am not a very affectionate persone ither, but they know I love them...my DH I think feels even more guilty then me~but I tink you are a great mom

Your first post made me giggle a little La because I feel the same way about my boyfriend! Like I don't spend enough time, like everyone else is doing a better job at relationships... but I think it's just the whole facebook thing. How did anyone ever have fun or interact with people in rl without telling people online about it? I have no idea

As someone who has a pretty shocking biological mother I'd say ALWAYS be willing to listen and as Ce gets older don't always be quick to give advice/examples of your own teenage life to try better his. That and hugs. I wish I had more affection. *boohoo me* end of ramble from me.

Point is, you're doing good. You all sound like fabbo mas here in your own ways.

You've just hit my mood; not having children or husband, I've been feeling like a horrible daughter (for a change) and a horrible human being in general, compared with all those perfect individuals from FB and such.

Others have said it better than me, but I'm sure you're a good Mum. I don't know why we keep torturing ourselves with being imperfect, and expect ourselves to be perfect in the first place... I'm the same way, and I guess not everybody is, but there are many many people like that, and I have no idea why this is so.

Hang on.

*hugs*

I am nowhere near being a perfect parent. Heck, somedays I doubt I even make good. I have the friends who it seems like every moment their child is awake they are doing something with them or teaching them something important. Really bugs me since most my friends haven't been parents too long, maybe 1-2 years. So far about as long as I've had the Belly. The boys are about Ce's age and I not only the "you don't play with me!" but I also get the "I wish you weren't my mother!" and the "I don't want to live with you!" Not so much from Ryan, but it seems like Zach is as hormonal as a 13 year old girl lately.
BUT I know even on the days when I don't even reach good parent status, I'm trying, and I can't do more than that.

I have really been feeling this way lately - just not good enough. Janet's blog yesterday was so inspiring to me, especially the quote towards the end. You can read it here: http://www.thewellroundedmama.com/2011/02/words-to-live-by.html

DawnMarch said:

I was brought up mainly in the age of what I heard someone call "benign neglect" -- where our parents basically just told us to "go out and play" and didn't spend a whole lot of time agonizing over "quality time". I turned out ok and don't resent my parents for it. I do remember the fun times we spent together, playing board games or doing stuff on weekends, but believe me, they didn't spend a whole lot of time planning activities or learning experiences! I think we are too hard on ourselves these days!E

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You know, this is SUCH a good point. I, too, beat myself up for not doing enough with my little man. I don't make every moment a teaching moment, we hardly ever eat at the dining room table anymore, and we watch far more TV than I am proud to admit! But my mom was a single mom and she employed this "benign neglect" and not only did I have a great childhood, but I also LOVE my mom more than anything, and don't feel slighted at not having more one on one time playing with her as a kid.

The thing that sucks, I think, is that parenting has started to feel like this big competition and we have to spend X amount of time doing "quality activities" with our kids or we're clearly neglecting them and they're not going to be as smart or advanced or whatever. I wish it hadn't become like this, because then we all end up feeling guilty when we're doing our best and not every kid is the same. Mine, for example, is so not into planned activities - so I don't do them very often. He'd rather just run and play on a playground, or play with his cars. So since we aren't doing all of these educational activities, I end up feeling like a bad mother for not doing them. Even though realistically I KNOW he won't get into them at all.

Anyway, that's my wordy version of "You're totally not alone!".

misfitinmn said:

You know, this is SUCH a good point. I, too, beat myself up for not doing enough with my little man. I don't make every moment a teaching moment, we hardly ever eat at the dining room table anymore, and we watch far more TV than I am proud to admit! But my mom was a single mom and she employed this "benign neglect" and not only did I have a great childhood, but I also LOVE my mom more than anything, and don't feel slighted at not having more one on one time playing with her as a kid.

The thing that sucks, I think, is that parenting has started to feel like this big competition and we have to spend X amount of time doing "quality activities" with our kids or we're clearly neglecting them and they're not going to be as smart or advanced or whatever. I wish it hadn't become like this, because then we all end up feeling guilty when we're doing our best and not every kid is the same. Mine, for example, is so not into planned activities - so I don't do them very often. He'd rather just run and play on a playground, or play with his cars. So since we aren't doing all of these educational activities, I end up feeling like a bad mother for not doing them. Even though realistically I KNOW he won't get into them at all.

Anyway, that's my wordy version of "You're totally not alone!".

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See, I'm not a parent, but I can imagine things, so I can just see myself as a Mum, comparing myself to all of those "quality activities" Mums and despairing. My Mum was divorced and I was a kid that didn't need much attention and was perfectly content to play alone. I went to a painting course and took piano lessons and played with other kids, and we played boardgames with Grandpa, but I don't feel like it was a childhood that didn't stimulate me enough or whatever. These days I'm so overwhelmed when hearing about what Mums do with kiddos, and I'm pretty sure, in advance, I'd be feeling totally inapt.

glad to see I am in good company!! I feel like a horrible mother at least a 1000 times a day. I work too much, and dh and I don't spend enough "quality" time with her.. It is a never ending battle..

I feel this way all.the.time! The worst part to me is not just about that guilty 99,9999999999% of moms around the world feel. I KNOW we all feel the same way: "I'm not doing my 100%. Again."
To me is about the "WHO allowed *me* being a mom while I'm SO lame with anything children related?" feeling.
But I am a mom. I'm actually glad for being a mom. I have the.best.DD ever and I feel lucky. It's just... I feel I don't understand much of the children universe yet. I feel like "Am I doing this right?" all the time with all things. Lame.
I guess I'll feel a little better w/ a teenager around me...

i feel this way too La. i feel like i dont do enough with my kids either. i have sort of stepped it up notch lately; have been doing some arts and crafts with them. and when its warm out we go to the park and stuff. but right now bein so freaking cold i hibernate lol. i have plans to take them to the childrens museum soon and in the summer we usually go to the zoo. but i still feel like i could do more....but just dont. i hve 3 kids and they are not always the best behaved kids. they fight and aggravate each other and i dont like dealing with that in public so i tend to stay home with them. but i know they get bored lol. we all do the best we can; motherhood is not easy. and no one is perfect

There is a supermom in one of my girls classes, and I was just telling dh about this! lol. For the girls valentines day party tomorrow, I get a note from each of their teachers - one asks for volunteers to bring in juice, plates, napkins, cookies, cupcakes, or other little treat... the other says a parent has already got everything covered, but if we want to send in a little treat to be passed out with valentines, we can LOL. So one of my girls always brings home goodie bags and lots of cool treats from school parties that this supermom sends in, and the other doesn't

I had just mentioned it to dh about how it makes me feel like I don't volunteer enough, and feel guilty that my kids aren't the one with the awesome super mom.

It's obvious from this thread that us moms aren't alone feeling like this now and then! I always heard 'go outside and play' every summer day growing up. We lived on a huge farm with a creek and fields and woods to play in, so it was always fun. I don't remember my SAHM doing a lot of activities growing up, except for one, and still us kids love the memory - we had a board game called The Farming Game. It was the only game we'd get to play with our mom (Ah, this is taking me back just thinking about it!!! I'm gonna have to find that game somewhere and bring it over to her house to play - she'd love that, we all still talk about nights we've spent playing that game) - and when we got older she taught us to play a card game with 3 decks called Spite and Malice, and we'd play for chores if we lost, or our own box of our fave cereal next time we went grocery shopping. With my dad, he'd put on a Dr. Hook record and we'd all run around the living room singing and dancing, and we'd play our own made up game Bronco Billy... LOL, so dumb, I know, but they're the best memories I have of my dad. So something little you do that's special with you and ce is definately going to be remembered. And ya know what? I remember how it was always nap time/quiet time whiler her soaps were on, and sometimes she was too busy to take us somewhere she had said she would, but that's ok, because we still had fun growing up and she was always there.

Sorry for the book, I'm really going down memory lane here!!

I don't even like being a mother all that much. I never wanted kids but somehow ended up with 2. Everyday I feel like I'm trapped in a job that is all wrong for me.

But I'm assuming that they will turn out more or less OK. Not any more messed up than any other kid. I hope.

meems said:

I don't even like being a mother all that much. I never wanted kids but somehow ended up with 2. Everyday I feel like I'm trapped in a job that is all wrong for me.

But I'm assuming that they will turn out more or less OK. Not any more messed up than any other kid. I hope.

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^^^ x5

Hi Lauren,

It probably does help to realise that you are not alone and that just about EVERY mum feels this way at some stage! I have an 18 month old, 2 teenage children and 4 teenage step children (3 of whom live with us full time) and a little bubby due in May - people say I'm amazing and they don't know how I do it - but in reality I feel just like how you describe your feelings, and that I should forever do more, give more, love more...

What I can share with you is 'enjoy the little things' - sometimes the moments that make my world stop and my heart melt are my kids when they smile at me, or a really simple outing - like a quick trip to McDonalds for an icecream and a play in the playground, sharing a joke, a quick giggle during a tickle fight. Sometimes something small is all I have to give as I rush out the door to drop off or pick up the next kid from whatever they have been doing - so a quick cuddle or ruffle of their hair lets them know that I know they're there and thinking of them - and never forget the power of those three little words "I LOVE YOU" - teamed with a quick smile or cuddle.

Make the time when it presents - even if it is right in the middle of getting dinner ready - to do something small with your child. It will set the precident that they are important to you, and that you love them.

I feel like this daily. I am never good enough. I never do enough. I will never be enough. IT's hard to bear at times, but my kids seem happy and I think that's what matters!