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Old 11-11-2015, 06:14 PM
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Y'all. When did I become the kind of person who sits on the floor pinning her husband's pants so she can hem them? I had BIG dreams. BIG plans. And I'm living in a tiny little town ten minutes from where I grew up with 3 kids, a hubby, and a dog. I stay home. I homeschool. I cook and clean and rock and change diapers. How did this happen? Do any of you relate?

Please know that I'm not ungrateful for my life. It really is wonderful and I know I'm blessed beyond measure. It's just that sometimes it hits me hard that I used to be more than just a wife and mom. I'm not sure how to put it in words exactly without sounding pathetic, but I'm hoping someone can relate to me...
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Old 11-11-2015, 06:37 PM
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LOL...I almost started a thread this morning complaining about how my hubby loads the dishwasher but I didn't want to sound ungrateful since my hubby actually does load the dishwasher (he just does it incorrectly).
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Old 11-11-2015, 06:43 PM
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I never intended to get married right away, much less have kids, so I think that way sometimes too. Only, I can't imagine anything else. This is all I've ever done. You don't sound pathetic or ungrateful to me, just things that roll around in any normal persons brain.

My kids are 17, 17 and 13 now so I'm actually getting to the point where I can see and imagine life after I'm done with the 'raising' part. For awhile I couldn't even picture what it would be like.
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Old 11-11-2015, 07:30 PM
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OMGeeeee I can totally relate. I wouldn't say I had big plans or dreams....but I DEFINITELY did not see my life as it is now. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with my kids and for the great family we have. But some days I'm like how in the world did this become my life, where I'm not even Kiana anymore. I'm mom, I'm Mrs. Fitz...., I'm everything except Kiana. I have hardly any grown up interaction on a daily basis, except for places online like here.
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:13 PM
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omg, yes, since I turned 42 which was back in May, I feel like I am going through a midlife crisis. I am having a harder time with 42 than I ever did with 40. I keep saying, but how did I get here? I didn't have huge plans for myself either but I feel like my life kindof just happened around me. It makes it worse when I still feel like I am 17. It is crazy, I know, but at least we aren't all crazy alone! LOL!
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:17 PM
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I think sooo many of us can relate sweet friend! You don't sound ungrateful at all! Sometimes I wish I was more...or did more or something. I am grateful for these tiny humans though and am counting my blessings while I can but lately I have been in a tough spot feeling a bit overlooked or something. It's hard to explain!
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:19 PM
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This has been on my mind lately too. Until 2 years ago, I was working and had just gotten a promotion at work. Things were looking up and possibly more good changes... then, we moved 800 or so miles from our family and hometown and now I am just mom.

I am grateful I get this experience.... I got a chance to bond with my daughter like I would not have been able to before... but I sure miss those days when I could call in to work and just feel relieved to get a break. Now....breaks or any kind of downtime are rare and I seldom do anything for myself.

Oh Kiana, grown up interaction? What's that? lol! I miss adult conversation.
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tronesia View Post
This has been on my mind lately too. Until 2 years ago, I was working and had just gotten a promotion at work. Things were looking up and possibly more good changes... then, we moved 800 or so miles from our family and hometown and now I am just mom.

I am grateful I get this experience.... I got a chance to bond with my daughter like I would not have been able to before... but I sure miss those days when I could call in to work and just feel relieved to get a break. Now....breaks or any kind of downtime are rare and I seldom do anything for myself.

Oh Kiana, grown up interaction? What's that? lol! I miss adult conversation.

RIGHT?! Like my highlight of adult convo everyday is finding out how my hubby's day went.
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Old 11-11-2015, 09:50 PM
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I always find this topic interesting, though I totally recognize it's a sensitive subject for many people. While I can't relate to you specifically, I can add another perspective. At the end of the day, it's all relative and there is no right or wrong answer, it's all about "what's right for you" -- which changes over time. Don't forget, you still have the opportunity to pursue other roles! Being a wife and mother doesn't limit you from doing other things, it just might take a little extra effort.

With that said, I love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I've never really had a desire to be a full time SAHM. I enjoy working and get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from my career. I wouldn't trade that for anything either. I like cooking and crafting, but otherwise don't enjoy domesticity -- I hate cleaning, don't like spending lots of time at home and need to be around people. Also, my kids are at school all day and there is really only about an hour I am away from them that I wouldn't be if I stayed home -- that doesn't really seem very significant to me. I choose to work, I don't work because I have to, and I'm 100% comfortable with that.
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:18 AM
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every. damn. day
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:42 AM
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Today I woke up 8:10. Brian was waking me up. It is Thursday. We have swimming pool! RUN! Breakfast, change clothes, organize everything and we were in the car 8:35.
Swimming pool. 50 minutes sit there waiting. Talk with one, talk with other - all Moms are there waiting too - the talk? "Brian made it, Brian made that" and all Moms trying to talk at the same time. We only have 50 minutes to talk.
50 minutes after, change clothes, come home, bath, cloth again, yes, you can watch a movie. Mom I don't want to see that movie. Ok, let's put another one. Wait. I forgot to eat. Ok. Now I will sit and eat something. Ok, Mom. Mom, can I take a bite? Sure...

It is only 10:40am. Still need to make beds. In 1 hour I need to give him luch. Send him to school. Get back home. Try to work. At 4:35m I need to go pick him up. Bring home. Another bath. More clothes.

So, yes, I feel you!

I loooooooooooooooove this kid more than I thought I could love someone, but, OMG! I miss my quiet times. I miss eating without people asking me to eat too. I miss the days I didn't have to eat chocolate hide. I miss having $. LOL

So you are not alone.
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Old 11-12-2015, 12:43 PM
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I totally get it. I literally clean up after people, or make food for people, or drive people to and from places ALL FRIGGIN' DAY!!!
But I love being a SAHM, so I get that this is the gig i signed up for. Still though...some days...
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Old 11-12-2015, 04:52 PM
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Yes!!! I'm so glad you all get it! I love my little people and my hubby and they really are wonderful. But sometimes...wow. I didn't begin to stay home until my older ones were 5 and 3, so maybe part of it is that I've never been a SAHM to a baby. He's HARD! I think it's an identity thing, too...like sometimes I'm just not sure who I am anymore. Other times I wonder how in the world I'm the adult. Crazy!

Sheri, I'm so glad you shared your perspective. It's interesting to hear how much you enjoy your career and I have to admit to being a tad envious of that! I wonder often what life would be like if I had kept teaching, but at the time the right decision for me was to leave and stay home. It would be so nice if I could have it both ways!

Thanks to you all for making me not feel crazy.
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
Yes!!! I'm so glad you all get it! I love my little people and my hubby and they really are wonderful. But sometimes...wow. I didn't begin to stay home until my older ones were 5 and 3, so maybe part of it is that I've never been a SAHM to a baby. He's HARD! I think it's an identity thing, too...like sometimes I'm just not sure who I am anymore. Other times I wonder how in the world I'm the adult. Crazy!

Sheri, I'm so glad you shared your perspective. It's interesting to hear how much you enjoy your career and I have to admit to being a tad envious of that! I wonder often what life would be like if I had kept teaching, but at the time the right decision for me was to leave and stay home. It would be so nice if I could have it both ways!

Thanks to you all for making me not feel crazy.
Jennifer, never regret your decision to stay home. No matter what roles we play, there are always going to be ups and downs. It's easy to feel the burden of the downs, but I have to commend you for recognizing you have a pretty good gig. There are certainly days where I would trade with you too. It's easy to feel envious of what we don't have and that is totally natural. You have the option to go back to teaching (or whatever else you may want to pursue), so even if sometimes it might feel limiting, just know things evolve over time I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but sometimes there is value in just saying it
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Old 11-12-2015, 10:57 PM
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I love all my SSD girls!

I soooo relate to everything you are all saying. The other day in the car, I had this moment where I thought, "Who the heck thought it was a good idea for me to be the mom to these four kids?!" I'm not mature enough to be in charge of this show!! I can't do this! How did this become my life?!"

So, yeah, I definitely get it. I have felt so often that my kids are stealing "who I am" from me. But, I'm like you too, Jennifer. I recognize what a blessing it is for me to have a great hubby, four great kids, and the opportunity to be at home and be their mom. It's a good life . . . except when it's not.

Hang in there!
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Old 11-12-2015, 11:12 PM
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Yes, yes, yes!!!

I feel like my family is this totem pole carving
... and I am at the bottom all squished with a giant grimace on my face. Holding everyone up. Holding it together.

But, if I didn't have to feed everyone all day everyday... plan the meals, buy the food, clean the dishes... that would be such a huge relief! That's my current pet peeve with being a sahm. If one more person asks me for a friggin' snack or what's for dinner I might lose it.
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Old 11-12-2015, 11:19 PM
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Ugh. The constant food talk drives me batty!!!


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Old 11-13-2015, 12:41 AM
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for reals - how is it possible to be hungry ALL day long?!?
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Old 11-13-2015, 01:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YepBrook View Post
If one more person asks me for a friggin' snack or what's for dinner I might lose it.
AMEN!!! We're not done with a meal and they're asking what's for the next one.
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Old 11-13-2015, 01:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeattleSheri View Post
I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but sometimes there is value in just saying it
I needed to hear this! Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyd View Post
It's a good life . . . except when it's not.
YES! So true.
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Old 11-13-2015, 02:07 PM
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I can sooo relate. My son is 10 and for the most part (other than p/t jobs), I've been a SAHM the whole time. We moved this summer and now I'm not involved in his school like I used to be. I felt like "school volunteer" was my job for 5 years and now I lost that. Last week I started working p/t again bookkeeping, but it's VERY p/t. I'm thinking this will give me the jumpstart I need to maybe go back to work f/t once my son hits middle school next year. I have loved being there for him during the day, but sometimes I'm jealous that my husband gets to talk to people all day.
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Old 11-13-2015, 05:46 PM
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I work full time but I think everyone has a version of these feelings. I graduated with honors from a very prestigious law school and sometimes I think I squandered that opportunity a bit because instead of pursuing positions to advance my career, I sort of drifted along with life's currents. So after about 25 years now, I'm not a judge or attorney general or running some huge agency or company like some of my classmates. Or even President, like one notable classmate.

But the truth is that I never really wanted to take over the world and my personality is certainly not suited to it. I also wanted to have a hubby and kids and spend time with them, have most weekends off, and not have to be stressed about making decisions affecting loads of people. I agree with Sherri that there's no right or wrong answer or path.

I also read a very interesting article the other days about the dissatisfaction that many Millenials feel because they have been brought up to believe that everyone is "special" and should follow their "passion" and if they do, they will all be a smashing success. According to the article, many Millenials feel unhappy when they have to start at an entry level job and are not immediately promoted and rewarded. Why don't their bosses realize how "special" and valuable they are? Why can't they make a living singing or acting or playing video games, if that is truly their passion? But in reality the vast majority of people will end up in jobs or situations that are not their dream or passion. And most companies reward continued "mundane" day-in-day-out hard work, not just your innate "specialness" or passion. Same thing with being a SAHM- if you are doing it right, it's a strenuous and mostly not very glamorous job. I really think we need to recognize that there are billions of people out there and 99.999999999999999% of us have to hem our own (and/or our husband's) pants and just plain work hard for a long time at unglamorous stuff to get by. I think it's great if people are able to pursue their career/life passions/dreams but just because you don't doesn't mean that life has less meaning or that you have somehow failed. As a society, we need to do better job at focusing on what DOES create meaning in life for the vast majority of people -- family, community, recognizing and appreciating what we accomplish in every day life with raising and educating good, healthy kids, doing your best at at work, taking care of each other, making our own little corner of the world a better place. That should be enough even if I never realize my childhood dream of becoming a princess!

Sorry for the soapbox. I've spent some time thinking about this lately - probably a midlife crisis.
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Old 11-13-2015, 05:48 PM
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I can relate, too! I had always wanted to be a SAHM, and I know that I'm lucky I was able to. But it was definitely a much harder job than I thought it would be. When my kids were little, DH was busy (with work and then family life) from 7 am to 8 pm. But he really didn't get that my "job" didn't end at 8 pm, and I was "on call" 24/7. Between babies and Ben's sleep disorder, I went years being busy with the kids until 9 or 10 many nights and then getting called 2-3 times in the middle of the night with no breaks ever. So even though I knew how lucky I was, I often didn't feel it.

Last year when Lauren started kindergarten I went back to work part time. I thought it would be the best of both worlds, that I'd get to be around adults (and kids, since I'm working as a preschool teacher) and still home for my kids when they're not at school. And both of those are true, which is good. But since I have to spend so many out-of-school, unpaid hours on things like lesson planning, buying supplies, and emailing parents, I've ended up spending too many evening and weekend hours on work. This was supposed to be the happy medium between being a SAHM and working, but it's sucking all my "free" time for a paycheck that's WAY too little to make all the hours worthwhile.

So yeah, between that and turning 40 this year, I'm kind of wondering how I got here, too. I'm happy with my life in general, but there's just never time for anything. I love my kids and I know I'm lucky to have a job that lets me spend a lot of time with them, but...I don't know. I'm feeling discontent. There has to be a better way to balance everything; I can't keep giving and giving of myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnMarch View Post
I graduated with honors from a very prestigious law school and sometimes I think I squandered that opportunity a bit because instead of pursuing positions to advance my career, I sort of drifted along with life's currents. So after about 25 years now, I'm not a judge or attorney general or running some huge agency or company like some of my classmates. Or even President, like one notable classmate.

But the truth is that I never really wanted to take over the world and my personality is certainly not suited to it. I also wanted to have a hubby and kids and spend time with them, have most weekends off, and not have to be stressed about making decisions affecting loads of people. I agree with Sherri that there's no right or wrong answer or path.

As a society, we need to do better job at focusing on what DOES create meaning in life for the vast majority of people -- family, community, recognizing and appreciating what we accomplish in every day life with raising and educating good, healthy kids, doing your best at at work, taking care of each other, making our own little corner of the world a better place.
Well said, and I think that's where some of my discontent is coming from. I went to the top grad school in my field and graduated with honors, but I always knew that I was working because I had to and that family and things outside of work were the things that would make me happy. So yes, I definitely squandered some of the opportunities I could have had so that I could prioritize family and our quality of life. But the trade off I was expecting isn't happening. It's wonderful during summers and school vacations when I can be with the kids, but the rest of the year I'm dealing with a job that often demands my evening and weekend hours but pays a small fraction of what I'd be making in my original field.

ETA: I should say that I'm not usually this negative. But one of the main reasons for my job choices is that one of my kids has a genetic disorder and lots of behavior issues. He's had a bad week, which has left me frustrated with everything. Plus it's conference week for my students, so instead of the 8-10 unpaid hours I put in most weeks, this week was 15+.
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Old 11-15-2015, 05:09 PM
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I definitely can relate to the "on call" comment. My husband didn't get it for a long time and it used to frustrate me to no end. I used to always say....at least you get to "clock out" from your job.

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Old 11-16-2015, 10:11 PM
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I think for me my job is actually what I did not picture, but it's a good job and steady and takes care of my family.
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