OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[Valgal]

I just Facebooked an old boyfriend.



What was I thinking? At least, I'm 92% sure it's him. I basically sent a 'hey, are you who I think you are.' message (not those exact words, of course)

The only other serious relationship I've been in besides my dh, who I've been married to for 17 years.

Why did I do this? Has anyone else done this?

D@MN Facebook!

[Valgal]

Of course, now I'm scrambling to make sure my profile page is up to date and my pic looks nice. <face palm>

[mrsashbaugh]

Yup...been there and was so not a good decision on my part. He was my only other serious relationship besides my dh as well. Curiousty got the best of me and so I did fb message him. Talking brought back old feelings for the both of us and was just not good. Dh was not so happy with me of course and I don't blame him. So glad that is in the past though and things are fine with my marriage now.

[Valgal]

Oh GREAT. He was my only serious relationship as well, LOL! I haven't talked to him in, probably, 18 years, so I don't know what came over me. I've done a quick search for him before (maybe a year ago?), didn't find anything and dropped it. I searched a little deeper tonight and I'm pretty sure it's him.

WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS?

[mrsashbaugh]

I have no clue why?! LOL Darn curiosity for me and of course social media makes it easier.

[jacinda]

I wouldn't be contacting an old boyfriend while I was married, especially one I had had strong feelings for. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and your husband started facebooking old girlfriends. It's only my personal opinion, but I wouldn't bring any type of temptation into my marriage like that. That's not to say I wouldn't maybe do a search just to be nosy, but I wouldn't send any messages or make contact.

[mrsashbaugh]

Originally Posted by jacinda

I wouldn't be contacting an old boyfriend while I was married, especially one I had strong feelings for. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and your husband started facebooking old girlfriends. It's only my personal opinion, but I wouldn't bring any type of temptation into my marriage like that. That's not to say I wouldn't maybe do a search just to be nosy, but I wouldn't send any messages or make contact.

Exactly! Wish I hadn't but we all make mistakes...that was mine for sure.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by jacinda

I wouldn't be contacting an old boyfriend while I was married, especially one I had had strong feelings for. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and your husband started facebooking old girlfriends. It's only my personal opinion, but I wouldn't bring any type of temptation into my marriage like that. That's not to say I wouldn't maybe do a search just to be nosy, but I wouldn't send any messages or make contact.

You are totally right, that's why I've never done it before. My dh actually asked once if I've looked him up and when I said no (which was true) he asked why not. He said it wouldn't bother him at all, which I thought was weird.

I'm rarely on FB anyway, but I'm going to just stay away from it completely for the next week or so.

[rach3975]

I'm FB friends with one old boyfriend (my one serious relationship pre-DH), but the situation is different. We've been real life friends since high school, DH knows him, and he's been with his partner for 12 years and is marrying him soon. But yeah, otherwise it's probably not a good idea. Since you've already contacted him, I'd casually mention it to your DH, send 1 short reply if your ex writes back, and then cut off contact again.

[olivesparrow]

Haha I messaged an ex once! But not because I was keen on him etc, purely because I was nosy. We (my mum and i) wanted to know who the 50 year old woman was tagged on all his stuff (when he was mid 20s). Turns out she was his wife and he was still a creep I broke up with 10 years earlier for a reason! He started messaging me constantly asking for my phone number and to meet up etc.

My partner was not too pleased about it when I said I had spoken to this guy and did bring up the "what if the situation were reversed" point which I hadn't thought about!

[misfitinmn]

We're both still friends with people we've previously had relationships with. I mean, obviously not in a "chat every day" kind of friendship. I will "like" posts by my ex, and wish him a happy birthday on Facebook, etc. But we were really close friends before we tried dating so it would feel weird to not be in any kind of contact at all. My husband actually hired the husband of one of his former girlfriends at his business.

I mean, neither my husband or myself had any SUPER serious relationships before meeting each other, though. So I guess that is maybe a different scenario altogether. And like I said, we don't engage in regular conversation with them, either.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by rach3975

and he's been with his partner for 12 years and is marrying him soon.

[Sherri Tierney]

I don't have many exes. I seriously did not date a lot before moving in with DH when I was 20 (he was 19). I went out with one guy in high school and one guy when I moved to KS. I knew DH in high school but we never dated then. On the other hand, my DH dated a LOT and has many, many exes (which is crazy considering he was 19 when we got together!) - one of them is the mother of his first child (born when DH was 16)

-- Anyway, an old boyfriend looked me up on facebook. He was having trouble with his wife, the girl he married within months of us breaking up. He kept sending me lots of messages and wanted to come to KS to visit me and everything. I kinda stopped answering him and it wasn't long before he wasn't on my friend list any longer. In the meantime, his mom friended me. His mom had been my pastor at one point so I accepted. She never mentioned him to me though. About 18 months later there was a friend request from him again. He had moved, was engaged and in a very different place in life. This time he wasn't talking about the past, wanting to meet up, etc. He seems genuinely happy and I am happy for him. Now it is all very casual. He'll like my pictures or status now and then and vice versa. That is all.

-- My DH has several of his old girlfriends as facebook friends. Probably 20 at least. It doesn't bother me though, as, like I said, we've been together since we were really young and these people are all just part of our past. They don't know my husband. They knew the kid he was when he was a teenager. He is so much different now. When we were in AZ last, one of his ex girlfriends wanted to see him and meet me. She met up with us at a pet store that his parents were at with their greyhounds (they do a lot with a rescue organization so pet store visits are a pretty common thing for them, we tagged along because my kids love the greyhounds). We chatted a little and she left. No drama, no looks of lingering feelings, etc. - My husband does have my step-son's mom on facebook but he never interacts with her. He has her there as an emergency contact for my step-son more than anything. About the only person I wouldn't want him to befriend on facebook would be the girl he was engaged to right before we got together. Truly, there would be no reason why not as she is married (happily) with 3 kids and loves her life and he feels the same about his, but still...

[flergs]

I'm friends on Twitter with mine. Was FB too but he deleted his account. I was hesitant to approve his request but it's been fine. Actually helped me let go of old feelings I thought I may have had. No feelings for him at all, and I no longer hate him like I did for 20 years. He's in graphic design so I actually get him to help me with stuff and he asks me for help too lol.

My hubby is friends on fb with ex girlfriends, I'm friends with his ex girlfriend. All good. I think if you have a strong marriage then there shouldn't be a problem. If it was all secretive and etc... then yes I'd have a big problem.

[Shawna Clingerman]

I'm "friends" with my ex on facebook purely like just facebook type friends, we never like like communicate at all, just sort of like an I know what he is up to and he knows what I'm up to sort of a thing... randomly, he is now engaged to my highschool best friend - and they HATED eachother back in the day LOL!

I would not beat yourself up, just resist the urge to "go there" again and keep it purely not private when you do "friend" stuff on facebook (like posting on wall is ok, but private messaging is not). That is sorta the agreement g and I have and I think it works well for us.

[ashaw]

I admit that I am an extremely jealous person, and so is my husband. So being even casual friends with any Ex wouldn't fly with either of us. I think it has to do with both of us having such bad past relationship experiences. Don't get me wrong I TOTALLY trust my husband but I guess I am territorial and because of that, I respect his jealous feelings as well. I'd probably crumble if he messaged an ex for any reason (but we've established that I'm a bit jealous!) He has had them look him up on FB before, and he has always told me and never accepted it. We also have eachother's FB passwords, we both have no issues leaving our phone lay around. I personally think it could be dangerous territory but it also seems like a lot of people here have ex's as friends. Since I don't have that experience I can only say I'd be devastated if my husband was looking up an old girl and wanting his profile pic to be cute

[Sherri Tierney]

Like Amber, we both have each other's facebook passwords. Our phones are practically interchangeable too. We often use the other person's when calling our daughter or checking something online, etc. No secrets here. We also share an email account. Heck, I log into my husband's facebook account more than he does, probably. One of the kids will want him to 'help' with a game, so I'll log into his account to take care of the game requests for them. - There is no jealousy here though. My husband is confident enough that he wouldn't care if I did flirt and he had no problem with my ex sending me private messages or chatting with me on facebook. He doesn't have a jealous bone. I'm a little less 'ok' with things but I'm not going to think twice if he looks someone up on facebook or sends them a message.

[MandaT]

Sometimes our curiosity gets the best of us.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just be open and honest.

I've always had more guy friends than girl.

My best friend is actually an 'ex' if you can call it that, we were like 12 when we had a long distance "relationship" (you know girl goes to grandparents for the summer and hangs out with the neighborhood kids, exchanges phone numbers with a boy and then runs up her moms long distance bill by talking to him on the phone every night). We had lost touch with each other for almost 15 years and then by the magic of Facebook reconnected about 4 years ago. We now talk almost daily.

[YepBrook]

Don't open up a can of worms.

[rach3975]

I'm going to go back a little bit on what I said earlier. I definitely think the type of relationship that 2 people had plays into whether they can/should be friends while married to other people. For example, someone you dated at 16 probably doesn't carry the same weight as someone you were engaged to at 26.

The boyfriend I mentioned who came out a few years after we broke up was my boyfriend in high school. He'd been a good friend since 7th grade, was one of my best friends from 9th grade through freshman year of college, and we were together for a year and a half in high school and college. It was serious because of the length of time, but I don't think either of us ever truly thought we'd be together forever. We were back to being just friends before my husband (Dan) and I ever dated, and my ex hung out with us a few times. So regardless of his sexual orientation, I don't think Dan would have had a problem with me being friends with him and interacting on FB. It also helps that Dan and I started dating when we were 19 and 21, and now we're both in our early 40's.

That said, if Dan were to get back in touch with his 1 serious relationship before me I don't know how I'd feel about it. I don't have a problem in theory with him looking up a girlfriend he hasn't seen in 20+ years, but I've never met her and don't even know that much about their relationship. So that's the part of it I wouldn't love. Like some of you said, I think my comfort level would depend on how open with me he was about being in touch with her.

[thompsonc2007]

If roles were reversed and my husband friended an old girlfriend and sought conversation behind my back I would be hurt and very suspicious. I also think that if I was the one that was contacted by an ex I would decline. Just for the simple reason he is an ex. Evidently, there was something there that didn't work then...so why go there now? Plus, I am content with my life just the way it is sans-ex. This is just my thought process.

[Valgal]

I've been thinking about the role reversal thing, esp. because my dh HAS had contact with girls he's dated, and I really don't think it would bother me if he looked up one of the serious relationships. We've never given each other any reason to doubt, though I still wouldn't disregard temptations. It helps that I've put this guy through THE WORKS and he still loves and adores me. I just don't know why, lol! If he wanted to catch up with an old girlfriend I wouldn't mind.

BUT, I've still ignored FB. Cause what would I say anyway??? And what if us chatting caused a problem with HIS wife? I'd feel horrible!

[lauren grier]

My most recent ex, is one of my best friends. We've known each other since I was like 15- and thusly he's been you know, in my corner, through most of my 'major life events'. It'd be really strange to cut him out of my life. We split about 3 years ago-- admittedly, at the beginning of our respective relationships there was a lot of turmoil due to our continued friendship. However, I was always open and honest with my current boyfriend, I never hid our friendship, and when he asked when/how often/whatever I spoke to my ex I told him up front. I think as long as there's communication and trust friendships with ex's is possible. I made the decision to not 'see' him though, which was more out of respect for his girlfriend. So our friendship has dropped to a texting/instant messenger relationship. She's a lot younger, and has a lot of difficulty with me existing. She's freaked out quite a number of times-- so I've backed off from our friendship a bit. I used to talk to him every day.. now weeks can go by without a word. It's a bummer to me, but again, I don't want to cause him any problems.

eta: when he and I broke up, he said something like 'do you think I'd date anyone who would have a problem with us being friends still??' .. yes :P lol boys lie. jk.. In reality, I understand where she's coming from 150%. Not every relationship can handle ex friendships, but like I said, I feel it's OK and possible if there's trust and communication.

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by Valgal

I've been thinking about the role reversal thing, esp. because my dh HAS had contact with girls he's dated, and I really don't think it would bother me if he looked up one of the serious relationships. We've never given each other any reason to doubt, though I still wouldn't disregard temptations. It helps that I've put this guy through THE WORKS and he still loves and adores me. I just don't know why, lol! If he wanted to catch up with an old girlfriend I wouldn't mind.

BUT, I've still ignored FB. Cause what would I say anyway??? And what if us chatting caused a problem with HIS wife? I'd feel horrible!

I just look at this again and realized it looks like I'm talking about the old bf when I said "I've put this guy through the works" but I'm talking my dh. He definitely upholds his vow of "for better or for worse"!

[kendallt]

I got a friend request from my ex-boyfriend shortly after my marriage fell apart. This was a guy I'd had a very serious but very tumultuous relationship with prior to meeting my ex-husband. Against my better judgment, I accepted it. Things were fine for a while (We didn't interact much), but then he started making really weird, almost passive aggressive comments on my posts and photos. Soooo I decided that was enough of that and unfriended him. I don't need the extra crazy in my life, ya know?

[Valgal]

Originally Posted by kendallt

I got a friend request from my ex-boyfriend shortly after my marriage fell apart. This was a guy I'd had a very serious but very tumultuous relationship with prior to meeting my ex-husband. Against my better judgment, I accepted it. Things were fine for a while (We didn't interact much), but then he started making really weird, almost passive aggressive comments on my posts and photos. Soooo I decided that was enough of that and unfriended him. I don't need the extra crazy in my life, ya know?

IKR? You probably weren't thinking of the reason you broke up in the first place, lol! I broke it off with this guy because he was being SOOOO needy and clingy and I'm not like that at all. He was just way too emotional and (I know this makes me a jerk) but I don't like men crying. I just hate it, and he cried all the time. Come on, dude! The girls are supposed to cry and the boys are supposed to be the strong ones to take care of us!