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Old 09-09-2008, 05:11 PM
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Unhappy Mommy guilt

I took Rae to her preschool orientation today. It was for 1 hour, and we got to stay today. Our preschool is a private one, run by a young teacher. She takes 4 kids per class, two part days a week. We were lucky enough that she taught Benjamin and Amelia, and a spot just opened up for Rae a couple of weeks ago. She is brilliant with the kids, and they loved her very much.

Our school year cut off is January 1st, Rae's birthday is November 8th. She is only 3, but will start kindergarten next Sept, and she will only be 4. I took her in today, and I met the other kids that are in her class etc. Two were Spring babies, Rae and the other boy were November babies. I didn't realize just how small she was (she's only 29 pounds) until then, and also, how far behind she seems.

She knows her colors, shapes, and numbers. She knows some letters and can color inside the lines. However, we have a problem with her following directions, sitting still, and she won't let me teach her anything at home, which is why she cannot print any letters. She went to the orientation today, didn't pay attention to the teacher, didn't follow directions.

About 1 1/2 years ago, I started working from home, right about the time I would have begun doing some work with her (which I did with the other two). She is very small for her age, and I guess time just passed me by, and now she's in school, but she acts very much like a toddler still. I love my work, and love that I am home with them, but I wonder sometimes if I wouldn't have been better off taking her to a sitter/day care where she may have gotten more undivided attention than I could give her. I feel so guilty, the other two came out just fine, went to preschool at age 4, and ACTED like they were 4, but Rae is just so tiny, so small and toddlerish.

It's all my fault, the other kid that was there, born in November, had no problems doing anything she asked. I am really concerned that she is just not mature enough, since she is still dealing with Terrible Threes, and having trouble speaking properly at this point. I feel so sad, I know I should have spent more time with her, should have tried harder, and should have been there for her more. I'm so incredibly sad. I don't want her to be left behind, and with the way the school cut offs are, I will have to send her to kindy next year at age 4. So I need to get her adjusted somewhat over the winter.

Has anyone else gone through something similiar? I feel so guilty that I have let her fall behind, even though she is seemingly very bright. I feel badly that I was able to devote the time to my older two, but not to her. I took the time after the session to speak to the teacher, who I obviously know very well by now, and let her know that she is much further behind than my other two kids were at this point. She told me that she would be honest with me, and thought that we should give it a couple of months to see how she does, before we take her out.

Thanks for listening to me whine
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:12 PM
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(((((((((((((((Jamie)))))))))))))) I'm sorry hon. Mommy guilt is the worst.
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:26 PM
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Could you wait a year so she will be 5, almost 6 when she starts primary? I know there were a few kids in Kristen's class last year that had their 6th birthdays before Christmas.

I'm thinking Kaylee will be the same way as Rae
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:29 PM
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(((Jamie)))

Each kid is different though. so try not to compare her toooo much to your other two and to the others in her class. I think I would leave her in the class though, it seems the best place for her to learn and she's young and her brain will just absorb all that info, she'll catch up soon!!

Don't blame yourself like that. She's a typical three year old. Heck my 4yr old still seems toddlerish to me some days. She just started prek and had a rough first few weeks (she's sooooo shy) but is starting to come into her own now, so I have hope that the same thing will happen for Rae. Once they start doing all the fun activities and the socilization away frmo home, she'll blossom and grow into her own!
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:31 PM
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Awww. I'm sorry - Mommy guilt is the hardest thing!!!

I hope that with some more time, she will learn to adjust and I'm sure she'll catch up.
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Old 09-09-2008, 05:49 PM
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She is ONLY 3!! My son just started Kindergarten and there are kids that don't form their letters yet... and they are 5. I think some kids are just ready earlier than others. Her not knowing those things yet are not surprising in my eyes. Don't let yourself get down. You are a loving mommy and if there is some way to improve on that, I'm sure you are the type that will. ((hugs))
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Old 09-09-2008, 06:06 PM
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Thanks guys, she is so much littler than my other two were going into preschool, and she just seems so YOUNG, kwim? I appreciate the comments, you all make me feel better.
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Old 09-09-2008, 06:09 PM
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((hugs)) Jamie!! I have to agree with the ladies on this!! Every kid is different and some learn quicker/earlier than others! My oldest was one who learned everything quick and early, but my 4 year old (almost 5) isn't the same. Not that he isn't bright, because he is lol, but sometimes I think he just doesn't give a hoot and is like whatever! LOL!! When he first went to Pre K, it was definitely an adjustment, but now he loves it and this year will be his last before he starts kindy.
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Old 09-09-2008, 08:19 PM
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First, (((hugs))). All kids are different and mature at different rates. The fact that she's less mature than your other 2 and less mature than a classmate born the same month doesn't mean you've done anything wrong by her.

Around here, MANY kids (maybe most kids?) whose birthdays fall so close to the school cutoff are held out and sent to K the year they're 5.5. I'd definitely keep her in the preschool and see how this year goes, but you may want to keep an open mind about which year she'll go to Kindergarten. An extra year in preschool won't do her any harm, but being sent to public school before she's ready could have lasting consequences both academic and social.

Finally, one other thought. Have you had her hearing checked recently? You mentioned she's not speaking properly and having trouble following directions. It may also be worth calling the preschool special needs department of your public school system for an evaluation. (It's called ChildFind here, but I'm not sure if that's a national term.) I'm not saying there's anything going on and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but it never hurts to have things checked out. She may need some speech therapy for expressive (talking) or receptive (listening and following directions) language. If so, the earlier you get help for her the better. My 2 year old has been working with physical and speech therapists through our early intervention program since he was 11 months old, and he has just transitioned to the preschool special needs services. They've been fabulous so far! And now that I'm plugged in to that community, I know that several of my older son's classmates (typical kids doing well in a regular private preschool) have also used early intervention and ChildFind services and thought they really helped their children.

Good luck with everything, and I hope she has a wonderful year!
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:25 PM
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Thank you ALL so much!

Rachel, there was one thing you mentioned, about her hearing. I know she hears me, she just totally ignores me, sometimes it's funny, because she'll look at me, and just blow me off LOL. I had thought of that, at her last well check her hearing was ok, so I don't think that's it unless it's a recent thing.

What it seems like, she's just SO enthralled with the world, with life that it totally distracts her. So if she had to sit and print, well, maybe she'd miss something. Everything excites her, makes her happy, like today, the sun was shining, and she was so darn excited. Every day that the sun shines, it's like the very first time she has ever seen it. I often say I wish I could see the world that way. Every time she sees a butterfly, it's like the most amazing thing in the world just happened. I wish you all could see her, literally you smile when you see her, because she is always smiling. There is never a dull moment here, she is funny.

I guess though I've tried not to compare her to the other two, it's hard. I can't help but feel responsible for this, because we "babied" her too. Sigh.

ETA regarding holding her back, that just isn't done here. Everyone sends their kids to school on time, regardless. If it were done even occasionally, it would be a thought I would consider. I actually don't even know if we are allowed.
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:38 PM
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I had the exact same guilt when L.J. started preschool back in July. He didn't know how to cut, didn't play well with groups, isn't great with writing lines, etc.

We went to his Parents Night last night and the teachers were telling me that while he is still "very dangerous" with scissors, he is really catching on quickly to many of the other social and academic points. I think they soak up so much at this age that in just a few weeks I bet you'll hear that she's doing so much better than you thought.

{{HUGS}}
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Old 09-09-2008, 10:12 PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling down, Jamie! That darn mommy guilt sure has a way of taking over, doesn't it?

I agree with what some of the others have said. You might find that keeping her in preschool is just what she needs. And the fact that she just loves life and is excited by everything might actually suit her very well in preschool. She just might think everything there is the coolest thing and may settle right in after a couple weeks. Little kids have a way of really surprising us sometimes.
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Old 09-09-2008, 10:27 PM
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My twins just started Kindergarten and are pretty good at writing their letters but do not recognize most of them just yet, only the ones in their name and about 10 others. I have the same Mommy guilt thing because it was so easy with my (now 11) year old...I did not have to teach him ANYTHING !!! He and his older brother are 3.5 years apart in age and so Jarrett (the 11 yr old) learned A LOT from us quizzing Dylan. The child taught himself how to read and spell at the tender age of 4 for petes sake...it totally freaked me out!!!! He is in all advanced classes now in Jr. High. Now the twins were a huge struggle with me...I would try for hours with them to teach letters and numbers and stuff with NO success....In comes Hubby and asks them a question or tells them to write something and what do you know...they do it and do it correct!!!!

I too am a SAHM and figured it would be the easiest thing in the world to teach them but it is so much harder than I thought..my DH and I would actually fight about it too.

I am just wondering that if she is there on her own if she will do better...I know my kids do sometimes anyway !!!! I totally understand your guilt but having older sibling is a good thing and she may know more than she is letting on too. That is not obviously true with all kids but you never know!!!!

I hope you feel better about things and I also hope I did not discourage you, that was NOT my intention at all!!!!

{{{hugs}}}
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Old 09-09-2008, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newfiemountiewife View Post
What it seems like, she's just SO enthralled with the world, with life that it totally distracts her. So if she had to sit and print, well, maybe she'd miss something. Everything excites her, makes her happy, like today, the sun was shining, and she was so darn excited. Every day that the sun shines, it's like the very first time she has ever seen it. I often say I wish I could see the world that way. Every time she sees a butterfly, it's like the most amazing thing in the world just happened. I wish you all could see her, literally you smile when you see her, because she is always smiling. There is never a dull moment here, she is funny.

ETA regarding holding her back, that just isn't done here. Everyone sends their kids to school on time, regardless. If it were done even occasionally, it would be a thought I would consider. I actually don't even know if we are allowed.
Now that sounds more like my almost-5 year old, who has no special needs but drives me crazy with the number of times I have to remind him to do things because there are so many other interesting things around. I've never had much success working with him on skills because he's much more interested in imaginative play and being active. Even though he can be distractable and only want to do his own thing at home, at school he focuses and does wonderfully. I hope your DD turns out to be the same!

I didn't know that starting K late was just a US-thing. If everyone starts 'on time' there, then she'll probably have other young kids in her class, too. And they can change so much in a year. I can't believe the change in my older DS from a year ago. So many of the things I'd been worried about for years with him are non-issues now.
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Old 09-10-2008, 03:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newfiemountiewife View Post
Thanks guys, she is so much littler than my other two were going into preschool, and she just seems so YOUNG, kwim? I appreciate the comments, you all make me feel better.
HUGS sweetie! I went through this with mine too... I have 2 girls and DD1 is VERY bright and very advanced, so it was very difficcult for us not to compare DD2 to her sister. But, Regan is just fine... just where she should be developementally, she's just not hugely advanced like her sister.

Remember too, with the youngest, they'll always look tiny in your eyes. They'll always seem more like a baby because you kinda want them to STAY a baby. Poor Regan rolls her eyes at me all the time cuz she's still "my baby". lol

From what I've read about developemental milestones, it sounds to me like your sweetie is doing just fine for her age. Remember that the changes children make during their 3rd year are huge! For me, the difference in both my girls between age 3 and age 4 was amazing. They seem to grow up "over night" in that year.

I hope you realize it's NOT all your fault. She IS doing fine and I'm will to bet, that as soon as she gets in school, with other kids her age, you're going to be SHOCKED at how quickly she changes.
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Old 09-10-2008, 11:09 AM
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*hugs*

I think at this age that it's important to remember that there are HUGE differences in what are "normal" behaviors and skills. My daughter and my friends' daughter both just started preschool. My daughter will be 4 in December, my friends' daughter just turned 3 this month. There are night and day differences in their abilities, temperments and social skills. It's not because we both haven't worked with them, it's because there is really a huge age gap. Even though they're both technically 3, 9 months is a LOT of difference when they're that young. They learn so much so quickly right now that it's no wonder there is a wide range of skill levels. I know my daughter's teacher expects her three year old class to be kind of flighty the first few weeks because this is a totally new experience for most of them. They don't KNOW how to sit still and listen in class because they've never experienced it before, kwim?

I guess my point is that I'd give it a month or so before you make any decisions. Give her a while to adapt and learn about her new surroundings and get comfortable. I bet you'll be surprised how quickly she 'grows up.' And try not to feel guilty - although I know it's easier said than done - we do the best we can with the situations we're presented with. And it sounds like you've done a fantastic job with all your kiddos. *hug*
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