Help, please. Re: Kindergarten Behavioral Issues

[Traci Reed]

Let me preface this by saying, Karsten has ALWAYS been a strong willed and difficult child. We've always had behavioral issues with him being disobedient, huge tantrums, stubbornness, etc. Last year, when he started Preschool, his behavior issues seemed to lessen. He became a normal, happy, well adjusted child (most of the time). He LOVED school and was so sad when he couldn't go. He still had his tantrums at times and was still strong willed but this was generally relagated to home and he rarely had problems at school.

Fast forward to this summer when he started reverting back into his old, uncontrollable state. Anger, defiance, hitting, talking back..you name it, he's there. I was so happy for school to start a few weeks ago so he could have structure back in his life again and he would start to behave again like last year.

Let's just say that's not happening. In fact, it's getting worse. He throws toys, hits other kids, refuses to do the work, tells the teacher no and throws tantrums on the ground. Last year, I would make up homework because he loved to do it so much and this year it's like pulling teeth to get him to do homework.

It all came to a head yesterday and today when (yesterday) he started screaming at a teacher who was correcting a mistake he made on the playground. He threw the bike, threw a tantrum and when they finally got him calm enough to apologize, he apologized for throwing the bike but refused to apologize to the teacher.

We had a long talk with him last night about why he was wrong and this morning when I took him to school, he immediately apologized, I left him and he seemed fine. So today when I pick him up, the teacher tells me that he refused to do any work all day, told her no, repeatedly and then threw himself in a tantrum on the ground at recess and refused to obey. Now she's telling me that he won't be allowed to go on the class field trip in a couple weeks if I don't go because she can't deal with him.

I am seriously in tears. I cried all the way home, DH thought I got in a car accident because I came in the door bawling. And I can't seem to shake the idea that I've failed somewhere.

I guess I'm asking for advice, has anyone been here? Could he have a behavioral condition? I don't understand. I'm a pretty strict mom too, so it's not like I let him walk all over me, he is just uncontrollable. The only thing that got to him today was my tears. I don't cry often so I think he understood the gravity of what was going on.

I've done all the normal stuff, grounded him, time outs, even swats at times and nothing corrects his behavior. Anyone been there?

[jessica31876]

yea I was there with my youngest. I was really strict with all three of my kids and my youngest was just well pretty much like you described your son. He is in 6th grade now and he eventually outgrew most of it but it was a really long time at school where I would get phone calls from the teacher or the principal several times a month. We made up a behavior contract at school and he got rewards for good behavior. The only suggestion I have for you is to go to school and have a conference not just with the teacher but the staffing coordinator (I assume there is one), guidance counseler and principal so you can discuss the behavior and try to come up with a behavior contract that would work for your son. Also talk to your pediatrician so that if there is something underlying maybe he/she might have some suggestions as to what could be done. It could be something as simple as eliminating certain foods from his diet ( I have heard red dyes are really bad and can cause hyperactivity in children). Im not sure which ones but I know my nephew was not allowed to have certain foods/drinks because of the dyes and other additives and it had to do with him having ADHD

[dgreenshield]

I am sorry your dealing with this Traci.

Has anything changed within the household that would cause him to act out when he is away from home? Changes in diet or sleep patterns?

The fact that you are concerned and wanting to find a way to help him with this transition just proves that you have not failed. Hang in there.

[jessica31876]

Oh my son also had communication problems and a learning disability that was keeping him from being able to tell people what was wrong. I never had a problem understanding him and neither did the people around us but apparently it was not the case at school. So that was an issue for him. It took about a year for him to be able to communicate well enough for everyone at school to understand him also. One last thing I would suggest and only you would know this is maybe the work he is doing is not stimulating enough for him. I was one of those kids in school who would get bored and would do stuff I was not supposed to...like getting up in the middle of a lesson because I had already finished reading the assignment and could not understand why I had to sit with the rest of the kids when I was done. My teachers finally figured it out and had me tested for gifted and then I was placed on an advanced workload and was no longer that bored although I still finished before alot of the other kids in school. Might be something to look into. Also check and make sure there is not another kid who is teasing him or picking on him. And lastly it might be the teacher. My son in kindergarten was in one class and after meeting with his teacher a couple times we requested him to be moved and while he had a couple issues in the new class it was not an everyday occurance like it was with the first teacher. Try not to blame yourself though. It happens to alot of people and it isnt your fault.

[Amber1279]

honestly ... I would ask for the school to have him evaluated. Thet will interview him, the teachers, probably even you and DH. I do NOT think you have failed, but the best way to help K is to find out where it is coming from. A professional is trained to figure it out. KWIM?

I have been fighting the school to evaluate Anthony. I still don't think his IEP is correct, but it is a start in the right direction.

[nun69]

so sorry you are dealing with this~ but my son does some of these things as well, but more so at home than school and for me I have come to the conclusion that my son {because he is in the middle, #2 of 4 kids} gets alot LESS attention than his little brother and sister {who are 3 and 2} so I think that is how he tries to get our attention....

but I agree that you should have a conference with the school and see if there is a "plan" that they could put him on...I know here, and I am pretty sure everywhere {not sure where you live}, the schools have what is called an IEP {individual education program} and it kinda outlines things such as behavioral issues, if they need extra reading classes, etc...it really depends on the child as to what the IEP states {I think}....but parent's, students, teachers and counselors are all involved in this IEP...

and actually, I don't think it is a bad idea to have him talk with somebody to see if he really does have behavioral issues or he is just being defiant~ my DH thinks my son has some issues, but he doesn't have trouble focusing in school, playing with his friends and such so I am saying for now that he{my son} is just being defiant to get the attention...but if he continues, we will definetely be seeking some help...he wears me down somedays...I literally had to DRAG him down the hallway the 2nd day of school because he refused to get up and get dressed...now all I say is " if you don't get up I am going to drag you down the hall" and that seems to work

so I hope my DS grows out of it {he is 8} and maybe yours will too...

and I certainly don't think you failed anywhere, I just think sometimes kids are kids and they were all built differently and we have no control over that~

~big {{{HUGS}}} to you~

[jaylensmom]

Traci I totally feel for you and what you're going thru...I would suggest talking with the teacher and trying to come up with a plan of action when your son starts acting out...Last year in my son's preschool class there were a few kids that seemed to act out and in some cases they would separate them from the other kids and make them sit in the office...other times they called parents...sometimes the threat of the parent picking them up was enough (sometimes it wasn't)...

Maybe you can setup a reward chart of some kind...I'm actually going to do this for my son who has become quite the whiner and tantrum thrower at home...

[DawnMarch]

I have no brilliant advice, but maybe you could try talking to his teacher from last year and see if they have any suggestions about what they did last year that seemed to work for him?

[pewtertm]

I've only been on the teacher end of this...I've had more than one pre-k/kinder act like that in my years in the classroom. Sad to say, but I've had a couple of kids expelled because they were a danger to others and parents weren't willing to seek help for the kid. So definitely be pro-active...the school has to take safety of all the kids into account, and if they see you are doing all that you can to work through this situation, they will probably be alot more willing to work with you.

I agree with PP's...it definitely won't hurt to get him evaluated. There may or may not be something going on there...it can only help to get that checked out. AndSeriously, there is NOTHING wrong with seeing a child psychologist or therapist...if you think someone can help him learn how to deal with his anger, go for it. Talking with his pediatrician would be a good idea as well...food allergies can play a part in this as well.
And definitely conference with the teacher and an administrator if possible. It's important that you all be on the same page; and they should be able to help you go about getting him tested/evaluated.

I don't know how things work in the classes he's been in...could it be that preschool had a lot more playtime/hands-on learning, whereas now he's having to sit at a desk and do seatwork alot more?


OH, and about the failure thing...you are NOT a failure. If you were, you wouldn't be concerned and looking for answers. So don't beat yourself up, and don't be afraid to seek help from outside sources if necessary.

[kscwgirl]

yes, get him an eval. They should do it for you. I had ed/bd kids for 5 years, so if you need ANYTHING, let me know. I'll pull some links together and PM you.

[AnnieBananie]

No advice, just ((hugs))... I know that Mom-Fail feeling and it sucks. You're a good momma, I know that much... it'll all work out. Good luck hon.

[Traci Reed]

thanks for your advice girls I'll look into an IEP

[newfiemountiewife]

I don't have much to add, except to say that I agree with the others, you are NOT failing, as long as you remain proactive, you are doing a great job. Just have him evaluated, it may be something, it may be nothing, but it's worth looking into. ((hugs))

[Lauren Reid]

HUGE HUGS

i'm sure these girls already gave you great suggestions....

i just have 2 things to share..

1. when i was teaching K, it seriously took a GOOD month for the kids to settle into the routine and adjust... September was always madness! So it could be him just adjusting to all this newness....

2. I have one who is STILL like that... he's in 2nd grade and every day it's "i hate school", etc... So i really truly feel for you... it's so stressful on a mom, cuz all you want is your child to be happy....

anyway, wishing you the best with this and know i'm always here if you ever need to vent...

oxooxooxoxox

[Sharon Kay]

First off {{{hugs}}} . Second off...ask your pediatrician or family doctor for a referral to a behavioral specialist. They can do an evaluation and you will be amazed and what they know about and how they can help you. Call first thing in the mroning! ...you need a PROFESSIONAL trained in childhood behaviors to consult with your child.

This is most likely not anything wrong in the way you are parenting ... your child may just need some special direction from a professional. YES I am speaking from experience and for a few friends whose children had some "issues" such as this.

Feel free to PM me...and if you want I will even call you and listen to you. {{hugs}} and make that call...you will be able to deal better if you know what you are dealing with AND how to handle it. If there is an issue the behavorial specialist can deal with... then you have a chance to get some special help at school that will help the school teachers, and others know how to deal with the child and also give the child some guidance!!

PM me if you want!

[Rae's World]

Everyone one is giving excellent advice. Here is mine: You have to REQUEST the school to evaluate him. Do not just "suggest" it. Demand, stand strong and make them evaluate at him. And have them do it NOW not later and get this process going. The sooner you and the school can determine the course of action the better off your son will be.

[mlewis]

My 6 year old is alot like this, although his behavior (since age 2) seems to be limited to at home thank goodness. We are learning that reward charts and absolute consistency are what works the best. It's tough, and I feel for you! You've gotten some good advice.

[disneyaddict]

Hey, Traci,

Everyone has given you excellent advice. The only other advice I would give you is to look into a private evaluation with a child neuropsychologist. (Most insurance companies cover the majority of the evaluation cost with a physician's referral.) They are perhaps the most comprehensively trained professional to evaluate, diagnosis, and offer treatment options, more so than any other discipline. Most schools have the school psychologist and the special education team perform the evaluation. Typically, they do a good job, but they can miss subtle neurological, learning, and behavioral issues that the child neuropsychologist will find. (I was a special educator for 20 years, so I am not criticizing the system, I just want to make sure you know the variety of options available.)

Take care, and I hope things improve. Diane

[my2monkeys]

sweetie... it can be rough when dealing with a child who does not behave within the norm... and sometimes you have to take a pro-active stand on it. I myself have dealt with similar issues since my oldest was young... but she does have a medical condition. I would agree with the other comments about setting up a meeting with the school, to discuss ways the school can help your child.. like maybe counseling which did help my dd with her anger. I would also suggest going to your child's doctor and talking about these problems... he my do some tests make sure that something medically isn't going on. From there your doctor my refer you to other therapists who can help your child.

The first step is realizing you have a problem bigger then you can handle... and that is scary. But you can't change it if you don't acknowledge it. I myself had to make a huge decision at the end of my dd's 7th grade year... one that would affect her for the rest of her life, and so far this school year we are seeing a huge change in her and she seems to like school again. I believe that I made the right decision, and I'm happy to see her smile again.

[jsikardi]

Traci - I also have a 5 yr old. and over the summer I also dealt a lot with tantrums and mind-blowing defiance. And yes - there was stuff going on at home, his reasons were valid, I tried to be understanding (as you are) - but I felt he could've better controlled himself.

What really made a difference to Carter (my ds) is to point out that people Just Don't Behave That Way.

We took note of kids at the store, at school, at daycare, etc. I made sure he knew how adults interacted, and reinforced the idea that good behavior gains rewards and new responsibilities.

Now I have issues with tattling - he's constantly pointing out poor behavior of others. (can't win for losing, I suppose)

Anyway - good luck. It totally stinks to have that iFail feeling.

[Traci Reed]

Thanks so much for all your advice girls...we're going out to pick him up from school now, keep your fingers crossed! LOL

[Sharon Kay]

Originally Posted by Rae's World

Everyone one is giving excellent advice. Here is mine: You have to REQUEST the school to evaluate him. Do not just "suggest" it. Demand, stand strong and make them evaluate at him. And have them do it NOW not later and get this process going. The sooner you and the school can determine the course of action the better off your son will be.

...and PUT IT IN WRITING...I found out from experience...if there is not a paper trail...they don't have to do it...