What do YOU thinks?

[MommaTrish]

Several of my friends shared this link today (people went nuts with it in my parenting groups on FB, lol) and after reading it, I kind of was left scratching my head because, well, I didn't have the same opinion as everyone I knew.

So, y'all read it, and let me know YOUR thoughts. I'll be back with mine after some discussion has gone on. lol
http://latinafatale.com/2011/07/21/h...-little-girls/

Oh and this includes you boys moms too! (Because seriously? Most boys I've worked with and known are WAY MORE self-conscious about their looks than the girls their age.)

[emmasmommy]

imma be honest. (surprise)
if I want to say something about a child's looks upon meeting them, I'm going to. I don't think talking to a child about their looks or wearing fancy clothes or putting on makeup is going to make them think they're any more inferior than if you talk to them about books/science/etc. We have NEVER focused on things like that in our house and I have a daughter who is obsessed with her looks/makeup/being pretty and one daughter who could care less about what she looks like. I think it's just something that some kids focus on while others don't.

now, the kids with low self-esteem issues....I think that is something deeper...BUT, upon first meeting, I'm not gonna censor myself if I think a kid is cute (especially at 5 or 6).

[YepBrook]

I plan to be honest too... Here goes...

I think there's more to it than what you talk to kids about. There's more to it than what you say to them, or compliment them on. I'm sorry, but no stranger or family friend has that much power over the complete shaping of a person and their insecurities. I think so many problems with young ladies lately is a lack of good relationship with their parents (unconditional love) and their fathers. I actually feel like some little girls are dying to hear: " I love you sweetie. You are so beautiful to me." It's at the heart of all of us women. We need to hear it. I wish people would stop trying to manipulate children into being this or that. What they need are parents who love them. A strong father figure who teaches them how they should expect to be respected and treated as a lady. I know my life would have been way different if I didn't have a dad who took me out on daddy daughter dates and tell me I was pretty (and yes, smart and brilliant and funny too).

[BrattyMeg]

We live in a visual world...so much of it is society..I know the first thing *I* say is how cute a little girl (or boy for that matter) is when I met another mom with kids. So much of what we are around everyday has to do with looks and it's been ingrained in us from an early age how important appearance is (well it was for me anyways)

That said I try my best to not do that to my kids. I want them growing up knowing I value so many other things about them than what they look like. I firmly believe being pointed out my faults as a kid is what led me down a path of self destruction (eating disorder, rebellion, etc..I was a a little chubby as a kid..and was "dieting" by 5-6yrs old) I NOW know there was nothing wrong with me but it was a little too late.

[MommaTrish]

I agree, you shouldn't just talk to little girls (or boys for that matter) about how they look, or just compliment them on looks, but to just not ever? No, I can't agree with that. There are kids out there who never get told their pretty, or that they're cute, or that they have nice clothes. They have parents who just don't care or only put them down.
And the clothes part, come on, in my experience kids LOVE talking about their clothes. It wasn't "Oh my shirt is cuter than her shirt," it's usually "Oh! Mrs Tricia! Look at my AWESOME dinosaur shirt!!" or "Look! My shirt is pink and it has a star and it's glittery!!" I always tried to find one thing to compliment each kid on everyday. And that's not counting things like "You did an awesome job counting!" or "I love the way you drew ______." Everything they did for me got something pointed out in a positive way. Even the kids who just scribbled all over their papers.

But that's just my 2 cents.

Also, when I was going through my awkward pre-pubescent stage - WAY earlier than all my friends - I never felt ugly, or fat, or anything like that, because I had heard my whole life that I was pretty or beautiful or cute, and I was still told that. I'd hate for Bella to go through that stage not knowing how beautiful she is to us just because she's also smart (or because I want her to see herself as smart).

[YepBrook]

I can't imagine JUST talking to kids about what they look like... Etc. I could not relate to the author of that article. I don't find it hard to talk about other things than physical appearance. I'm not avoiding telling my kids they are beautiful/cute because we talk about everything under the sun and tell them how wonderful they are in so many ways. I think the issue comes up when a child is NEVER told she/he is visually appealing not even by his parents and instead the only comments that child stores up in their mind are the unkind things and criticism they've heard. In other words, I totally agree with you Trish.

[Lyd]

I think the key thing is to not focus on any ONE thing, be it looks or brains or hobbies or anything else. Kids shouldn't think their value lies in their appearance. They also shouldn't think their value lies in whether or not they like to read, whether they play baseball well, whether they are artistic, etc. etc. etc. Kids need to know they are valued because they exist in the world. I agree sooo much with a lot of what Brook said. Kids need to have the feeling that their parents love them no matter what and that a million little wonderful things make up the valuable person that they are. No one is going to go through life without feeling insecure in some way at some point in time. But, feeling insecure isn't the worst thing in the world if you know deep down that you are a valuable human being. Kids who know that get through the moments of insecurity and become stronger.

I get the point of this article, but I don't think quizzing a kid about the books they are reading instead of telling them they are cute is the answer. It's a lot broader issue.

[misfitinmn]

I guess I am just really simplistic in that I feel like it's all becoming a bit too complicated. Like we, as the adults, are placing too much emphasis on doing the exact right thing all the time so we don't cause problems down the line. I mean, I think yeah, putting your 5 year old kid on a diet is extreme. But do I go out of my way to make sure I am not complimenting children I see on their appearance? No. I just am genuine. I think that thinking about it too much from ANY angle is problematic, honestly.

Looks, smarts, interests, hobbies, I just celebrate it all, really.

[MommaTrish]

Originally Posted by YepBrook

I can't imagine JUST talking to kids about what they look like... Etc. I could not relate to the author of that article. I don't find it hard to talk about other things than physical appearance. I'm not avoiding telling my kids they are beautiful/cute because we talk about everything under the sun and tell them how wonderful they are in so many ways. I think the issue comes up when a child is NEVER told she/he is visually appealing not even by his parents and instead the only comments that child stores up in their mind are the unkind things and criticism they've heard. In other words, I totally agree with you Trish.

Exactly.

One of my best friends growing up, her mom constantly told her that she was beautiful, HOWEVER, her mom was a huge exercise and fitness fanatic and her daughter was just over average sized. She was constantly making remarks like "Oh, you really don't need to have another one of those. Do you really think you need to eat that? You really need to get up and participate more in gym." Don't get me wrong - she NEVER called her fat but she always was making little remarks about how she needed to eat better or exercise more. And she always thought that she was fat, or not as good looking as her mom. It wasn't until she was in her 20's and away from her mom that she really started feeling good about herself.

[YepBrook]

... and I mention the father because... Looking back I can clearly remember the times my dad told me I looked nice. Or that when I wear a hat I look cute. Or how pretty my brown eyes are. I know my mom said it, but I sort of expected her to think I was cute. LOL. I don't know why. Hearing it from my dad was different. I think often fathers forget how much their daughters need them too. There are lots of young women seeking male attention, and what they really need is a dad. Nothing creepy, I swear.

[LeeAndra]

I agree with the author's intentions.

I also would have given my right arm to have one person tell my fat awkward growing-up self that I was beautiful or, better yet, that I could be smart AND beautiful and how to be that person.

[I would give my right arm to have one person tell my fat awkward grown-up self that I am beautiful as a matter of fact.]

[staciahall]

I don't think I realized how much my upbringing influenced my self esteem until after college when I lived with one of my friends. She apparently always felt inferior because she felt her parents loved her older sisters more, they were prettier, they were smarter, one was thinner, even though she's a MENSA member. I was told by my parents that I was beautiful and brilliant and wonderful and could be whatever I wanted, etc. Even looking in the mirror didn't stop the fact that I believed what they told me deep inside. It has taken my friend a very long time to get over those self esteem issues as much as she has.

I wanted to make sure my kids knew that I loved them no matter what, they were pretty/handsome, they were smart, they were funny, they could go to college and be whatever they want to be. I've been a single parent over 13 years now and I've done a pretty good job as far as I can tell when I see how they carry themselves, interact with others, make friends. I think girls can also be okay with positive maternal reinforcement as well as paternal.

I still know that my parents love me more than anything and that does help on days when I'm feeling down or low about myself.

[lovely1m]

I see nothing wrong talking about looks with children. You just compliment a child on anything you can. Looking back, I was an adorable child and yet I hated the way I looked. It was ingrained in me and not any part of that was because of the way I was talked to. I compliment my child on how handsome he is, how smart he is, how imaginative he is, how artistic he is, everything. He tells me all the time now how he is all those things, if I ask why he is, he tells me "because I am". Self esteem is not lacking in his life and since its something I have struggled with my whole life, I am happy for this. I hope it stays.

[MamaBee]

This will not stop me from giving a complement where a complement is due. I do not believe my telling my son that he look nice when he is wearing a shirt and tie is going to make him obsessed on his looks when he is older. I also complement him on how smart and funny he is... I make sure he knows how loved he is. I believe it's the parents... if the parents are obsessed with looks, kids see that and they are going to mimic the behavior. I know I have to stop myself from saying hateful things about my weight because I know I have little eyes watching my every move... I remember being told that if I was fat, I would never find love... so I built this huge wall around me and it has taken my husband 10 years and he is still chipping at the bricks... I much rather have more of the tell me how pretty and smart I was growing up, then the alternative...

[emmasmommy]

Originally Posted by misfitinmn

I guess I am just really simplistic in that I feel like it's all becoming a bit too complicated. Like we, as the adults, are placing too much emphasis on doing the exact right thing all the time so we don't cause problems down the line.

this. SO THIS.

[kim21673]

If I want to compliment a child on their looks, behavior, clothes, etc....I will. I don't see anything wrong with it at all. If I want to compliment on how smart, goofy, funny, etc...they are...I will. I think it's all on the parents and how much emphasis they put on certain attributes.

My boys hear daily (numerous times) how much I love them and I always find ways to compliment them on everything.

[KristinCB]

yes! what sara said! x2!

[nun69]

I don't agree with the author...I agree with what Laura and Brooke said pretty much to the tee....and my girls are just like Laura's (even though they are 13 years apart)...my 20 y/o is a total tomboy, farts in front of her boyfriend and doesn't mind going out with no makeup...Abby loves to dress up, have her hair done, nails painted, etc....but she isn't obsessed with hit....and yes my boys are pretty cute when I buy them a new shirt, they are just as excited as the girls are and definitely like telling everyone the next day "Mrs Kerr, see my new birds shirt "...but I do not think there is anything wrong with giving kids a compliment where it is due

[krystalhartley]

Oh my. I think everybody is clear on my take. I'm so tired of viral blog posts that vilify acknowledging beauty Like all of you, I recognize all the positive things...sense of humor, how nice they look, smarts, good choices, good friend, great at chores, talents...whatever it is. And I do this with adults, too.

[mariewilcox]

I agree that giving complements isn't going to mold the child for the rest of their life.

However, I do see where she is coming from. My daughter was THAT adorable so cute little girl that EVERYONE gushed over no matter where we were. Total strangers would come up and tell her she was so cute, beautiful, adorable, gush over her curls and how petite she was her big blue eyes and on and on. I did feel the need to counteract that at home and to be honest it annoyed the hell of of me! (by counteracting I mean making sure she knew how beautiful she was in so many ways; smart, funny, caring, etc. not by telling her she was ugly! LOL)

She is now an average 13-yo and I think she's still beautiful but not JUST because of her looks. I tell her she's beautiful in more ways than just her looks - she's strong and healthy, athletic, smart, empathetic, funny and quirky, and has confidence in spades. She hasn't had a father since she was 2 years old and doesn't remember him. I model a strong independent woman who can survive without a man because I've had to but she knows how much I loved her dad and is constantly told stories about us by her brother and uncles. She definitely has a high respect for herself already and doesn't let her peers sway her in her beliefs... those are the things she is proud of. Does she care about her looks? Of course she does, she's 13 She loves clothes, makeup, etc. but she also loves her sports and doesn't mind if her hair is messed up and goes without makeup on game days, etc. She cares about her studies and learning. She is BALANCED.

[glumirk]

I think as long as a child receives unconditional love at home they will be just fine, even if you compliment their beauty. I personally believe that everyone is beautiful, and beauty shines best with a good heart.

I hate that my mom always adds conditions to her love. I'm still getting over it, and I hate hearing it in reference to my kids. I let my daughter know that it's her that is beautiful, not the outfit, not the hairstyle, her. I also spend a lot of time acknowledging good choices, hard work, thoughtfulness, cleverness, etc. I do the same with my son, who expresses conditional love when he's in trouble "I don't love you right now!" Always gets a "well that's too bad because I love you no matter what, and I want you to grow up into a good adult because I think you are a great kid"

And really, don't we all agree that kids are so cute so that we don't give up on them? Any time I think about giving up my kids on Facebook, I try to imagine what I would write and always realize that I love my kids too much even if they do drive me nuts sometimes.

[jessica31876]

I got a 500 error on the page when I clicked the link

[jessica31876]

I think it is ok to compliment a child on something like you have the prettiest eyes or hair but at the same time compliment them on something like wow you can run really fast or you're a great dancer or I wish I could do a cartwheel like that. I think the key is not to put the focus of any compliments on just a single aspect of the childs abilities or how they look or what they wear. Sometimes complimenting a shy child by saying I bet you have a really pretty smile will get them to look at you and smile and open up. Then you can compliment on the other stuff.

ETA: I think like some of the other girls have pointed out that sometimes people over think things. There really is nothing wrong with complimenting a little boy or girl on their looks or something they are good at. It makes me feel good when I talk to other peoples kids and I compliment them on something and they get this huge smile on their face like it made them feel really good about themselves. What could be wrong about that? ♥♥♥

[misserin]

I really agree with Sara, and I feel like the author of the article expects it all to be so black and white. And there's SO much out there telling you not to do this, or you're doing that wrong as a parent, and we've all become overly critical of one another. I remember that other popular one about moms who sit on their iphones while their kids play at the park, and how wrong that is because of the moments we're missing. Hello, I'm that mom. And I don't think my kids are suffering because of it.

That article should say that telling little girls they are beautiful isn't the only thing you should tell them. It can go in conjunction with telling them things you like about them as people. I do agree with the article where she talks about how much faster girls are growing up these days. That part hurts me. My daughter will be ten soon and I don't like seeing her wanting to rush on doing grown up stuff like wearing makeup, liking boys, worrying what others think, etc. Why can't she just stay a little girl? I didn't care about any of that stuff when I was 10!

And I really agree about a dad telling his daughter she is pretty or beautiful. I remember that when I was a kid. Coming from him, it made me feel like a million bucks.

Oh, and raise your hand if you ever feel judged by how your kids are acting, or your reaction to something they do as their parent. It's not a good feeling. I think it sucks we have to worry about what others think so much.

[Jenn Barrette]

meh. If we start picking apart even the way we compliment people/kids we are just making life so much more complicated than it needs to be. I get the point that we need to not focus on one thing or accomplishment but make your kids feel that they are special and wonderful little people in anyway you can.

I was mostly just praised for my intelligence growing and because of that I never thought I was pretty, creative, kind, thoughtful etc. until I learned to see those qualities in myself and through having amazing friends/boyfriends that opened my eyes to what I have to offer

Balance is what is important.

[MommaTrish]

Surprisingly, most of the people I know we're agreeing 100% with it all.

[Lukasmummy]

There is always something beautiful you can find in any child if you are willing to take the time to look and I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing that with them. I remember when Lukas was little about 2/3 we were standing at a bus stop when a lady walked up with her daughter who is disabled and in a wheelchair. Lukas started staring at her and I was dreading what he was going to say. He walked up to this little girl he had never met before and told her "You have such pretty eyes" I have never forgotten how much her eyes lit up as she smiled at us. Her mum had tears in her eyes as she told us that people usually didn't see past her disability, or her chair. I am that weird mum that talks to every child on the bus or in the shopping queues. I don't know most of them, they certainly don't know me but I am non threatening to them since I usually have at least one of my kids with me. A smile and a kind word even if it's about something "shallow" like how cute they are always makes them and their parents smile back. I know that there are a lot of kids at my sons school who obviously never hear that they are special, amazing, beautiful, awesome or anything else from their parents. I see nothing wrong in taking every opportunity to make any child feel special if only for a minute. If you know them personally it's easier to compliment them about something other than looks.

[DawnMarch]

A little hyperbole from the author may be necessary to spark a discussion like this.

I agree with most here that there isn't anything necessarily wrong with complimenting kids on looks. On the other hand, I do think it makes sense to step back and give thought sometimes to the messages that you send over time to the kids around you. My sister was always a little heavier than I was growing up and had curly, dark hair, while I had long, light hair. I remember quite clearly that certain relatives in our family would come up to me and say "your so beautiful!" and say nothing to my sister. I think that the labeling and comparing of kids can be quite hurtful in those situations and make kids very self-critical and insecure. Even if people don't say it out loud, the kids pick up on the messages "she's the smart one" or "she's the pretty one." So, like others are saying, there really has to be some balance to try to encourage the whole person.

[Sherri Tierney]

I haven't read replies yet. I look forward to reading them, but I didn't want anything already said to influence what I have to say on the subject...

So, here goes...

I think that most little girls NEED to hear sometimes that they are pretty, well-dressed, etc. They need to hear this just as often as they NEED to hear that they are smart, creative, talented, kind, lovable, etc. The same goes for boys, obviously. I think that children need good balance.

I was raised by my grandmother. She was known as the ugly duckling in her family. She had brown curly hair while all of her cousins had straight blonde hair. She was tiny and never developed much of a figure as a teenager while they were tall and curvy. She was picked on endlessly for the way she looked. She wore their hand-me-downs which didn't fit her well at all and that just gave them more ammo to use against her. It wasn't just kids though, she heard it from adults as well. Comments were made as to why she looked the way she did and how it must've come from this side of the family or that (depending on who was talking). Anyway, she grew up feeling ugly and self conscious.

Because of her childhood experiences, my grandma was determined not to do the same with her daughters. She didn't want them to value themselves on their physical appearance or to think they were worth less because of something they felt was lacking with their appearance. She, very much like the author of the article, didn't talk about appearances at all. She told her girls they were smart, kind, creative, compassionate, etc. but never did she tell us (I say us because she adopted and raised me) that we were pretty or that we had certain features that made us special, etc. She wanted to raise strong and confident women who didn't judge themselves based on their looks. Sadly, it backfired a little bit. I can't speak for my mother and aunt (though I know they feel the same way to a certain extent) but I feel like I would have had better self-esteem if I had been given some compliments about the physical side of me. I heard I was smart, talented, a strong leader, a good friend, etc. all the time from her. I knew Grandma would always tell me the truth. By her avoiding compliments on my appearance yet complimenting every other side of me, I got lost along the way feeling like I must not be pretty or feminine or have great hair or a nice smile, etc. I mean, she told me everything else that was good about me, right?

To this day, I have very little confidence in my looks. I have always felt lacking in that area and no matter how many people compliment me on my physical appearance, I still don't truly believe it. I had a stranger tell me the other day that I had impeccable skin and inside I just laughed about it. I had a woman stop me today at Walmart and tell me that I have gorgeous hair. It was so hard for me to just say thank you and not try to blow it off pointing out the fact that I need a hair cut and that I'm getting white around my temples. I've just never allowed myself to feel pretty (or feminine really). I struggle with my looks a lot. I think had I been told a few times as a kid that I was pretty or graceful or cute, or anything to do with the physical side of things that I would be way more confident now.

[Sherri Tierney]

Originally Posted by misserin

I really agree with Sara, and I feel like the author of the article expects it all to be so black and white. And there's SO much out there telling you not to do this, or you're doing that wrong as a parent, and we've all become overly critical of one another. I remember that other popular one about moms who sit on their iphones while their kids play at the park, and how wrong that is because of the moments we're missing. Hello, I'm that mom. And I don't think my kids are suffering because of it.

That article should say that telling little girls they are beautiful isn't the only thing you should tell them. It can go in conjunction with telling them things you like about them as people. I do agree with the article where she talks about how much faster girls are growing up these days. That part hurts me. My daughter will be ten soon and I don't like seeing her wanting to rush on doing grown up stuff like wearing makeup, liking boys, worrying what others think, etc. Why can't she just stay a little girl? I didn't care about any of that stuff when I was 10!

And I really agree about a dad telling his daughter she is pretty or beautiful. I remember that when I was a kid. Coming from him, it made me feel like a million bucks.

Oh, and raise your hand if you ever feel judged by how your kids are acting, or your reaction to something they do as their parent. It's not a good feeling. I think it sucks we have to worry about what others think so much.

I hate that feeling of judgement when my child acts out. I have a very spirited 7 year old who has trouble controlling his emotions and reacting the right way to certain public situations. He has gotten so much better over the years and I see him maturing so much but I am always left feeling like a failure when he acts out because of the dirty looks or snide comments from others around me. My mother is the worst. She couldn't pull herself together to raise her own kids (my grandma raised my brothers and I) yet somehow she is a parenting expert now and always points out what she thinks I am doing wrong when in reality she knows very little about me and my kids.

As for little girls growing up too fast... I hear you! My daughter will be 11 in just over a week. We had someone over recently who has an 11 year old and he was talking about how she spends an hour putting on makeup before leaving the house. He asked when we are going to start letting our daughter wear it. It kind of made me stop and think about how fast they are growing up. My daughter isn't concerned at all about wearing makeup. She has put lipstick or mascara on a time or two for special occasions (like a school program where she'll be on stage since those lights wash her out so much) but otherwise she doesn't really care at all. We are blessed in that her little group of close friends don't care about boys yet, they don't care about fashion or makeup either. They aren't into all the latest technological gadgets or brand names. They still like playing with American Girl dolls, sitting around the table doing crafts and having clubs to save endangered animals.

[d2vasquez]

Having two girls - I have to say I don't agree with this black and white way of thinking. My girls are different and I see that but their differences are what makes them unique. I do compliment them on their looks or grades or choices they make - I want them to hear my sincere praise so that when they are grown - they don't just remember the times I could not give praise for things they didn't do so well. I don't think my girls take it any other way then their parents love them - I actually love that my girls are very complimentary with each other - it is much different to hear it from your sister than your mom - almost like it is more believable because my kids have this notion that as a mom "you have to say nice things...." lol.