My life..

[junebug]

is starting to fall apart at the seams. Sorry if my posts are depressing or annoying, lol.

Most of you know the crap we've been going through, with me trying to find a job, and DH having PTSD and just trying to deal with that. He's been taking his meds. but its like after awhile they just don't work as effectively. So i don't know if this is just his depression talking, or if he's really serious this time. but he is thinking sometime after the first of the year he wants to do a trial seperation.:crying: He feels like he needs to work some things out on his own and it would be for the best if the kids and I weren't here. He's still help me out obviously, even with our car payment, since as he said, its his debt too. he'd help me look into low income housing around here, and help me move and get settled and watch the kids when i found work, and that he wants us to just take things slow, kinda start to 'date' each other again. He says it's really not me, its him (cliche, huh?) and that maybe after awhile we can move back in together again, but he's not sure. he says he still loves our kids and just doesn't feel like he's as in love with me as he used to be.:( that he doesn't feel like he gets the affection that he used to from me. that may be because of the way he freaking talks to me sometimes. would you want to be really affectionate with someone who disrespected you? and its not like i don't give him any. Geez, how much does he want? we have 3 kids, sorry if my attentions are a little less than before the kids. we sit and watch tv together and cuddle and occasionally hold hands when we're out together so i don't know what the hell he wants from me. i did tell him that i hope he doesn't go and get someone else, even if we are legally seperated. he says not to worry because he wants to be alone and that like he said, we'll still do things together he just wants to live alone for awhile. i hope i can trust him. it would kill me if i found out he brought someone else home. i know i won't be looking for anyone else.

part of me understands; there really is nothing that i can do to make him better. i have been here for him but thats apparently not enough. i hope that maybe we never even have this happen, but only time will tell, since it's not happening immediately.

i'm going to just take things a day at a time and hope i can find work, cause if i'm to be out on my own, i'm going to need $$.

maybe i need to get in touch with my friend, Amanda. she's the only friend i know that lives near me. we just don't talk much. and she is on low income housing herself with her son, so she may be able to point me in the right direction.

thanks for reading this. i just needed to get this out.

[Kat Stokes]

I'm so sorry Corey. {{{HUGS}}}. Will he try marriage counseling with you?

[Becca Bonneville]

Oh ((Corey)) hon!! I am so sorry! I wish I was able to give you a real hug right now! I agree with Kat, would he try marriage counseling? I hope that things work out for you and your family! If you ever need to vent or talk, I am always around here somewhere!

[BrattyMeg]

((((corey))))

I HATE to say this..but it might be a good thing for you and the kids..the kids DO NOT NEED to grow up in a household where he degrades and disrespects you. Honey he's NOT the same guy you met and fell in love with, and maybe he's the wiser and realizes that. You deserve so much better than what you are getting. Not saying that has to be from somebody else, but you know that the way he treats you IS NOT OK. It might be the PTSD and depression talking but still it's NOT OK.

How come you and the kids have to be the ones to move? Can he not? Seems more logical to me to pack 1 person up instead of 3? Do you have ANY family nearby that could help? Does he?

[melmos75]

I am so sorry. I hope things get better for you and that you don't end up separating. Maybe counseling would be worth a try.

[Jennilyn]

I'm so sorry Corey :( Why is it that you and the kids have to move out? Wouldn't it be easier if HE moved out and found low income housing? If it were me, I'd make my hubby move out since he is the one deciding to separate. It'd be better than to uproot the kids.

[Sarah8914]

I'm sorry Corey. :( My heart hurts for you.

[my4boys]

I am sorry Corey, that really stinks....sending {{{{{hugs}}}}} and hope things get better....I do have to say that I agree with Meg on all points. And why do YOU have to leave? I would say if it is his decision to be alone, he should be the one to move out.

[ColleenSwerb]

Just wanted to send a big giant {{{{{hug}}}}}} Corey. I'm with Meg on all points.

[iJenny]

I was just about to say the same thing.... why are YOU the ones that have to move out!?!?! I mean, not only is it just plain RUDE to make you leave your home when HE'S the one choosing to leave the relationship (temporary as it may be), but its also EASIER for one adult to move rather that an adult and two (three?) kids.

I'm really sorry this is all happening, Corey. I know its been a long road for you and the kids. ((((hugs))))

[cheltzey]

Wow. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I know that counseling can seem hard since it costs $$, and that's hard to come by right now, but maybe your religious leader (if you have one) could point you in the right direction or give guidance. I know that there are places that will reduce costs (or give free counseling) based on income. I hope you gind a solution that makes you both happy!

[breakingbrie]

I don't have any advice for you, but i wanted to give you some big ((((hugs))))!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this!

[DawnMarch]

Whew, hon, that's a lot to deal with! I have no great advice, I can just offer (((hugs)))). Marriage counseling might help -- maybe it could give him a more realistic view of what marriage is supposed to be all about. His saying that he just doesn't feel like he loves you like he used to is a red flag for me -- I mean, it's sort of the ugly truth that almost every marriage goes through times like that (especially with small kids in the picture) and you just have to kinda muddle through those times and work together on making it better. On the other hand, disrespect is a serious issue and something that he would have to commit to changing -- counseling could help with that too if he's willing. If not, then maybe some time apart would help you by giving you a little independence. In any event, I know this has got to be a really difficult time for you, so more ((((Hugs)))). Hang in there!

[lovely1m]

I don't know your situation at all, but I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope whatever happens its whats best for you and your children. Hugs!

[jessica31876]

Im really sorry to hear this. Ill keep you in my thoughts and hope whatever happens it is the best situation for everyone. Time might be the only thing that will heal the hurt thats there though and it might need to be time apart. Time apart might make him realize what you mean to him too and how much he really does love you.

[mommy2aria06]

Oh wow hun!! I'm so unbelieveably sorry!! Lots of big :hugs: to you!! I hope that while he is away you can gain back some of that confidence you lost from being treated negatively and that you will be happy!! I do wonder why you and the kids have to move though- if he is the one pushing this then it seems like he should move out- definitley seems easier than finding a place for you and the kids and moving them away from friends. Either way hopefully you can take the time to yourself and heal!

[amystoffel]

{{{hugs}}}

[my3hens]

I am so sorry honey, I can't even begin to understand but want to offer you big hugs! I def agree with the others that he should be moving not you. Hugs!!

[Tracie Stroud]

(((HUGS))) sweetie. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

[Traci Reed]

big hugs corey :( I have no advice but I hope you can work it out :(

[scrapmonkey]

I'm going to repeat the same advice, hugs and sympathy as everyone else. Has he been seeking therapy through his VA or have you checked out any support groups for families of those who have served? I realize with things being tight, it's not possible to pay for marriage counseling on your own, but those might be affordable alternatives of they are available. You are not the only one dealing with these issues - I'm sure there are other spouses an families that are going through what you are. Try some online support groups like:
www.iraqwarveterans.org/ptsd.htm
www.support4hope.com/ptsd/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_understanding.htm
I really hope you can work things out - I know it can't be easy for any of you...

[junebug]

its funny that you all want him to move out instead; that's just what my mom said. i just got off the phone with her. she's not surprised that this could be happening. he's always sort of been very selfish about things even before he went to iraq. its just multiplied with the PTSD. the only reason he suggested i move instead is because he didnt think that i'd be able to afford to keep up with this house (utilites etc.) we own it; we don't have a mortgage. we just have a lot of unfinished home repairs that he just stopped doing. He's thinking that he would only have to pay me what he gets for the kids at the end of the month through social security (he's cosidered disabled and can't work) at around $600. Well i'm going to be really specific here. He gets VA compensation on the first of every month, a little over $3000. then on the fourth Wednesday he gets $1075. so thats a little over $4000 a month. i just found a calculator online for Indiana Child support and roughly, it said he'd have to give me $259/week. that's around $1036 a month. maybe a little more maybe a little less if i knew some more specifics or whatever. so that should be enought for me to pay for my utiliities, food, cable, internet (though unfortunately, internet really isn't a necessity. obviously i want to keep it but if i may have to cut things that arent' necessary). so i almost want to laugh that is almost twice what he thought lol. plus if i do find work and he does help pay for half of our $650 car payment i know i'd be fine. and it would be easier for him to het low income housing or to just move in with his mommy or something.

thanks for all your kind words. i'm paritally hoping this won't happen, but also sort of believe it could be good for us if he actually does realize that he does love me and can start to be a better husband.

oh, and we do sort of go to counseling through the VA though its more for his PTSD than for marriage but we both go together. so its sort of like marriage counseling. but he's very stubborn.

[~Julie~]

{{{{Big Huge Hugs Corey}}}} Im sorry he is putting you through this.

[kscwgirl]

Big hugs Corey. I am so sorry for what you and the kids are going through. I, too, agree w/ Meg.

[Nikki Epperson]

I'm so sorry Corey! What a mess for you and your children to go through -- but I will say -- I totally agree with Meg!

[Kara]

I'm so sorry. I've experienced a tiny bit of what you have and it's rough. I hope, of course, that he wises up and is willing to work things out, but if a trial separation is what he wants, he moves out and not you and the kids. :(

[Paula]

Oh Corey! I am so sorry this is happening. I wish I could give you big hugs and some profound words of advice. Just know that I'm praying for you and your kiddos.

[Megan Turnidge]

How come you and the kids have to be the ones to move? Can he not? Seems more logical to me to pack 1 person up instead of 3? Do you have ANY family nearby that could help? Does he?

That was my first thought...

But big hugs, Corey! I am so sorry you've been dealing with so much. P & PT comin' your way!

[meems]

((hugs)), I hope things can get worked out for you and your family.

I agree with the others. If he wants to be separated, he should be the onle to leave. Wouldn't it be easier on the kids if they could stay in the house?

[HeatherKS]

I'm so sorry Corey. *hugs*

[LibbysMommy]

Oh Corey. ((((Hugs)))) I'm so sorry, sweetie.

[gypsystar]

Hugs to you! I'd definitely push for him to move out instead of you and the kids!

[newfiemountiewife]

((hugs)) Corey, I agree with Meg, and Jennifer. I think it makes more sense for you to stay, and him to move. I wish I could give you a big hug for real. I'll be thinking about you, have been for a few days, and wish there was something more I could do.

[lizzyfizzy]

i've read this a couple times and i don't really know what to say. i want to punch your husband in the balls, hug you, then hug him for punching him and then i want to pray, then scream, then cry. i'm so sad for you, corey! this is so stressful. (didn't really want to say this but...) dennis and i almost ended our marriage a couple years ago. i kinda just fell out of love with him after years of feeling neglected (i was being selfish). not that i didn't love him, just that there was nothing there. just everyday nonsense and neither of us really stopping to smell the flowers in our lives. it never got to the point of seperation, but man was it close. one day i remember running into his arms, begging him to forgive me. he told me he already had and was praying for the day i would run into his arms. since then, i have never known a love so strong. it takes two people to make a loving marriage last and your hubby may just have to go to hell and back in his own mind (like i did!) to be able to face life and his family with a new set of eyes and appreciation. nothing aside from abuse in any form and criminal activity is worth letting your family go. the seperation may be what it takes to get him back. i will be praying for you corey. i know what it feels like to feel abandoned and not loved anymore and i also know what it feels like to think you don't love someone anymore. HUGE HUGS AND PRAYERS!!!!! xo

[rach3975]

I'm sorry you're going through more hard times. I hope things work out for the best for you and the kids, whatever that ends up meaning.

Hearing that you own your home outright, I definitely think he needs to be the one who moves. Given the situation, why should you have to take on a rent payment plus utilities, etc and uproot the children? Also, I have no idea what the laws in your state are, but if he's been supporting both of you, would there be any alimony payment as well? If you've been unable to find work, it just doesn't seem right that his only obligation to you would be for child support. (That may very well be his only obligation, but it doesn't seem right!)

[Shawna]

I am so so sorry Corey for all you are having to deal with right now. Men just really suck sometimes :thumbdown:

Why is it that you and the kids have to move out? Wouldn't it be easier if HE moved out and found low income housing? If it were me, I'd make my hubby move out since he is the one deciding to separate. It'd be better than to uproot the kids.

And I have to agree with Jen (and the others who have posted this) but I feel like if HE is the one wanting the trial separation then HE should be the one to move out. I don't see why you and the kids should have to uproot your entire lives and move out when he's the one with the problems. You & your kids are going to be suffering enough through all this, but to add packing up & moving to a new & unfamiliar place is just too much for you guys in my opinion. Lots of {{{hugs}}} for you & many positive thoughts coming your way.

[makabe]

I'm so so so sorry you have to deal with this, Corey!! I wish I had some wise words for you... I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, too... I'd have to say that I agree with the others about him moving out so that the kids aren't affected any more than necessary.

[scarletsierra]

(((hugs))) (((hugs))) (((hugs))) Corey.

[EveRecinella]

So sorry sweetie *huggs*

[pbumbaca]

Huge hugs to you Corey. I am so sorry you are even having to think about this.

I have to agree and I'm sure your court system would too that your DH should move out. The courts will also make sure that you get exactly what you should in child support/alimony. I would also check your laws because you may have one that says the children do not have to leave the house.

Good luck to you whatever happens and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[mrs_jb]

Corey I am so sorry that you are going through this! BIG BIG HUGS hun!

[LeeAndra]

Everything he is telling you is BS, Corey. Grown responsible men who are husbands do not need to live alone, do not kick their wife & children out of the family home, & do not treat their wives with disrespect. You need to realize and know that.

I also think he decided a long long time ago that he 'needs' this separation and nothing you say or do will prevent it from happening. Though he may put it off later than the new year and/or seem to hedge on whether it's necessary, he has already mentally decided that that is his Happily Ever After and that everything will be perfect & wonderful & amazing again if he could only live on his own for awhile. We all know how deluded he is on so many levels. Thinking about being separated is how he is able to deny responsiblity for the problems he is causing today as well as cope with those same problems on a daily basis.

There is a big black hole inside of him, Corey, that continues to grow and grow, and nothing but his own determination and insight and emotional work is going to fill up that hole.

You need to meet with an attorney ASAP. I know you do not want to get divorced, BUT you cannot expect a mentally ill man to keep his promises and especially not one who wants to live by himself and, therefore, make it impossible for you to keep him accountable on a daily basis. No matter what he says today or tomorrow or the next, if you do not have him legally bound to paying you child support, there will be a day when he goes off his meds (will he really take them regularly when you are not living together?!) and decide you don't need his money anymore or that you are being a bad person/mother for doing X, Y, or Z or simply decide he doesn't owe you anything.

On a 'positive' note, since I believe he is truly incapable of holding down a job, it will be easy for you to pin down child support since his money comes from the government. It will be easy for your attorney to file with the VA and get money withheld from his checks and come directly to you.

It is ridiculous for you to move out of the house, and you should not do it since you are the one who will be taking care of the children.

I am most concerned abt your high car payment. I'm not sure what you could do with that aside from being able to turn it in somewhere up there doing one of their special promotions that they pay off your remaining loan in order for you to get another car, but if you know anyone up there who works for a car lot or might even, as crazy as it sounds, 'trade' you cars temporarily so that they take on your payment and you take on theirs, it would behoove you to look into that.

I hate to say it, Corey, but I truly believe your DH is headed for a mental breakdown and will 'push' himself into doing so if he does not have you as his enabler and support system living with him. You MUST put things into place so that you and your children will be taken care of during this time WITHOUT relying on him and his empty promises and fragile mental state.

[crystalbird]

I agree with so much that has already been said that I have nothing to add, but just want to send you (((hugs))). So sorry you are going through this!

[Kim]

I am so sorry you are going through it. When stressors pile up and things start to cumble it feels hopeless but you will get through it. I really hope things work out.

Sorry if this was already answered but does he go to a counselor for his PTSD? I have PTSD (no meds needed) but talking to someone really helped me understand it and the way it affects me. Marraige counseling also helped.

[Leila]

I just want to second LA's post. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Grant him the separation, on YOUR terms. Get the finances in order today. Figure out how to reduce or remove the car payment from your list of worries. Take care of you, Corey, and those precious children of yours!!

[chloe]

((((hugs)))))

[Stacey42]

I agree with LA about the attorney. Call your local women's shelter, they should have names of lawyers you can talk to pro bono, at least to get the basics of your rights under the law clear,possibly even to get a seperation agreement set up.

Your husband is not in a mentally stable place, you cannot trust his word in this matter & you need to get things in writing & set up with the courts for your kids sake. I also agree with everyone else that he should move out. It's not right for him to disrupt the kids lives because he 'needs space'.

[meems]

i am wondering if he wants you to move it b/c he wants it to look like you left him?