What Would You Do? (Parenting ?)

[Jennifer]

I'll try to keep this short. My 5 year old DS plays soccer. It's his second year. He's pretty good, not a superstar or anything, but ok. He's tall for his age and one of the most competetive kids ever. He runs hard, plays hard, and is serious about winning. That's just him.

At his game Tuesday night, he and a little girl from the other team had some problems. It all started when Ryan was going to the goal. She was chasing him down, they got tangled up, fell, and Ry hit his legs on the metal part of the goal. It hurt and he was upset. He thought (and still thinks) she did it on purpose, although I'm sure she didn't. They just got too close together and they both went down. Anyway, on the next play, he gives her a shove from behind. Not too bad, but not called for. DH (who is coach) sat Ry down anyway to cool off b/c he could tell he was still mad. He came back in, played ok for a few, then pushed her again when she got too close. Ugh. Back out. He stays out until after halftime, then goes in in the 4th qtr. Little girl ends up scoring and as she's running back down the field, Ry grabs her by the jersey and throws her to the ground. She cries, her parents are upset, and of course, Ryan's out of the game for good.

Once we're home, we talk to him...he's still pretty upset, insists she hurt him first and on purpose, and is just mad in general. He finally calms down, we talk more seriously about it, and he seems really remorseful. He's worried about the little girl (who was fine) and wants to apologize to her. We talked and prayed about it again before bed and again last night. He seems to understand what he did wrong and seems really sorry.

Here's the question if you made it this far...he has a game tonight against a different team. Would you let him play? I go back and forth. He only has 2 games left, and part of me feels like he should go play. Another part thinks he should have to stay home b/c of his behavior last game. I just don't know.

Soooo...what would you do? And have any of you dealt w/ something like this before?

[ColleenSwerb]

I don't have any kids, but personally, I would sit him for a while at the start tonight. I know he's remorseful, but he should see that actions in the game have repurcussions in the game, not just afterwards at home (which was reinforced by taking him out of the game, but I think maybe he needs just that last bit of reinforcement). I would still sit him on the bench and tell him that because he broke the rules at the last game, he has to sit out for a bit as punishment. Then he can play in the second quarter or second half or something. Staying home won't necessarily teach him, cuz he won't be there seeing the other kids and knowing he's missing out, kwim?

I think you did a great job with him last night too. Talking about it and praying about it. It's all good stuff, personally I would just take it that one extra step farther to really make sure he gets it.

[kscwgirl]

Wow.. yah.. I would probably let him play since he seems remorseful and is sorry. If he wasn't sorry, I would bench him. Maybe bench him for a quarter and then let him play? I don't know.

[Mama-to-Elle]

Aw Jen, Poor Guy... :(
If he were my son, I think I would let him play tonight. If he understands that the way he acted with that girl, was wrong, and can agree to be a better "sport" about accidents, then I think, at 5, he deserves a second chance. If he is as competitive as you say, and is really into his game, he probably was just really caught up in the heat of the moment, and getting hurt by her probably seemed MUCH more intentional then, because he had his "game face" on, AND he is 5.... kwim?
Just My Opionion of course, but I'd let him play!!

(((HUGS to you and Ry)))

[kresta]

I would let him play on a trial basis - if I saw any hint of aggression or ugliness on the field, he would be out for the remainder of the game. I think if he's truly remorseful and understood that, he would probably be fine.

[ditzyscrap]

I don't have kids in sports, so I'm really just talking, lol... But I would sit him out tonight, I think. But my kids are both the type that ACT remorseful and then just do it again, lol.

[Jennifer]

Oh, good ideas. I don't know why I never thought to let him go but bench him for a while. I like that...he still gets to play, but still is punished. Thanks!

[crecia27]

I would let him play. He is 5 and it sounds like you and your husband handled it very well!! I think when you add in the element of being the coach and being afraid of it looking like favoritism it makes you think twice about regular ole parenting choices (we are coaches too).

When my middle son was about that age he was SO agressive and just really had a mind for the game - while he never pushed he totally hogged the ball and scored - a lot - some games it got embarassing. And I cant tell you how many times we heard the other team complain. Parenting is hard enough, I don't know why we torture ourselves with coaching too huh? :D

[DawnMarch]

Hmm. That's a tough question, but I think I tend to agree with Col. I would want my child to know that being sorry afterward isn't always enough -- there are also unpleasant consequences to misbehavior - like not being able to play.

[Jennifer]

Also like the trial basis idea...that's def. the plan if he gets to go. The first sign of any poor sportsmanship and he's out.

Boy, this parenting thing is hard.

[Darcy Baldwin]

I'm one for benching him, too. Let him go, but not let him play. Even though he's only five, and he has shown remorse, it was more than just one instance in the last game, and he needs to know that it was a problem, not just at home, but at t he game, too.

[lizzyfizzy]

i don't know how honest your kids are in general, sounds like you have a good little boy there. when my kids are at a crossroads of punishment often times i'll ask them what they think the punishment should be, most of the time they are waaaay harder on themselves then i would've ever been. i would just reiterate that you understand how bad he feels for what he did but you aren't sure if he should have to sit out again. be honest and forward and get his opinion. if he honestly feels at this point that he's repented enough let him play. if he still feels bad about it and feels he needs to pay the price he'll prob say that too. good luck with whatever you chose. you know your son best! HUGS!!

[newfiemountiewife]

I'm one for benching him, too. Let him go, but not let him play. Even though he's only five, and he has shown remorse, it was more than just one instance in the last game, and he needs to know that it was a problem, not just at home, but at t he game, too.

I think this too, let him go, but don't let him play. I think he'd "get it" a lot better when he sees everyone else having fun, and he can't. But your DH must stick by it and NOT let him play, and not cave in if he starts crying. I have no idea if your DH would do that or not, but if you think that is a possibility, then maybe not let him go at all.

That's what I would do!

[Paula]

I don't have kids in sports, so I'm really just talking, lol... But I would sit him out tonight, I think. But my kids are both the type that ACT remorseful and then just do it again, lol.

I would sit him out too. He needs to learn that even if he is remorseful that there are consequences for his behavior. In other sports he would be benched for one game for aggressive behavior whether the player had remorse or not.

[BrattyMeg]

Considering he's 5 and seems sorry..I'd let him go, not start the game, and then let him play probably 2nd qtr as long as he didn't show any aggression. I don't think I'd make him sit out the whole game..he's not a mini adult..he's a child and I think a quarter will teach him a lesson and make it known that you are serious.

I would however place close attention to his behavior while he's on the bench. If he's acting out and crying, I woud NOT put him in as it would seem like he can throw a fit and get his way. I'd make sure he was calm and knew beforehand that he won't be starting just to make sure he understands you aren't playing around with bad behavior on the field.

Good luck!! parenting is tough..and it gets NO easier as they get older

[scarletsierra]

Ditto to Meg. That's probably how I would handle it as well. If he were a little older, I'd probably sit him the whole time, but since he's 5 I'd give him the opportunity to prove he's learned from this experience. If not, boom. Outta here.

[meems]

I would sit him out too. He needs to learn that even if he is remorseful that there are consequences for his behavior. In other sports he would be benched for one game for aggressive behavior whether the player had remorse or not.
In a real game, he could have earned himself a red card and wouldn't be allowed to play the next game (at least that is how it is around here).

I'd sit him out for at least one half and watch his behavior like Meg said.

[iJenny]

I didn't read all the other comments, but I wanted to weigh in here.

First, I want to tell you that I think you and DH handled the situation perfectly. Not too lenient and not too harsh. It sounds like he finally understands the seriousness of his actions and is remorseful.

As far as tonights game goes, I would let him play as long as he first approaches the girl he pushed and sincerely apologizes to her and her parents. As long as he's sincere, I see no reason why his "punishment" should continue. Now, of course, if he lashes out at her again, I would suggest not only pulling him from the game, but have one of you take him home immediately from the game.

Also, I wanted to add. If it was my child that got hurt by another child, I would be OK with the offending child playing again as long as there was a sincere apology. Kids are kids and they make mistakes. Sounds like your little guy just got a little too worked up. :)

[ZaCola3]

OK-Take this for what it is-the opinion of a mother of an athlete-I would insist that this game be sat out.
1st off so much about sports is learning to be a good athlete, but even more important is that sports encourage team work, and by doing what he did last night it effects the entire team, he had to sit out. Also I think that the fact that it was a girl would bother me-maybe it shouldn't but it would.
We have pulled Zak from games for less, even now when he is in High School and no longer parent coached, I make it clear to them(coaches) that my expections of Zak on the field/court may be different from theirs and that I will respect them as coaches as long as they respect me as a parent.

He is only 5-BUT-teaching a life long lesson at that age, is probably in his best interest. I can see that you and your hubby totally disagree with his actions-sitting out a game maybe the best thing to bring that fact to his full attention.

I hope you don't struggle too hard with your decision. Good Luck!

Ohhh-and I forgot to add that if you do choose to sit him out-he should totally sit on the bench at the game, not at home.

Ohhh yes, I should also add that Zak started playing sports at the age of 3, just so you don't think I'm giving my opinion from the POV of a High School Athlete....

[lovely1m]

I would have another discussion before the game and make sure he knows he cannot do that again. I would also let him apologize to that girl if he really wants to.

[amystoffel]

I think it's too late to make him sit out tonights game. In the mind of a kid...it wouldnt make any sense to get punished now, unless on the car ride home he was told he had to sit out the next game.

Since it was already discussed, I might on the ride to the game remind him of the conversation and then let him know what the punishment will be should you see that behavior again.

[jessica31876]

I agree with Shannon/ZaCola3 completely. A good part of playing is learning not just how to win well but also how to lose well and handle disappointment well. This could be a good way to teach him about how his teammates count on him to play and how his behavior effects them as well. Also to teach him that you should not just play to win but to win fairly.

[alansrock]

I'd let him go to the game and sit the bench...that behavior needs to be addressed or he will think it's ok to do it again.

[Jennifer]

Wow, so many different opinions and I see the validity in each. :( Makes it even tougher.

A couple of points I want to make...it sounds like I'm defending him and maybe I am a little, but I know you all understand. First, it's not exactly a real game. We have 5 teams of 5 and the kids play 3 on 3. There are no goalies and no score is kept. At this age, it's very much developmental and not so much a real game. Secondly, I don't think he was going after her about winning or losing or winning fairly or unfairly...it was because, in his mind, she hurt him on purpose. Kind of an eye for an eye thing. Lastly, I do think we've addressed the behavior, multiple times. It's not like we ignored it or anything. He was in major trouble (and knew it) when it happened, and we've had discussions all days since.

Ok, so I sound defensive, I know I do. There were a couple of comments that hit me the wrong way even though I'm sure they weren't meant in the way I took them. I'm just being a protective mama.

I took Lizzy's suggestion and asked him if he thought he should be allowed to play tonight...and Lizzy was right, he's even harder on himself than I am hard on him. He said "No, because I was mean last time." He then asked again if the girl is ok and offered again to give her mommy all the money from his piggy bank in case she had to go to the Dr. She was fine, no Dr. needed, but it's funny how little minds work. Anyway, DH and I have discussed it and we've decide he may go but has to sit out the first half. After halftime, he can go in, but if he shows one little sign of aggression, he's out. I've talked to Ryan about it and he is beyond excited that he gets to go. He keeps telling me "I know better now, right, mom?" Anyway, I hope he does know better now and I hope he did learn a lesson. It's something we can continue to talk about and will be a good thing to focus on in our prayers this week.

Soooo...thank you all for your words, even if I did get a tad defensive. You girls are the best!

PS) He will apologize to the little girl and her mom again tonight before the game. ;)

[DawnMarch]

sounds like a great solution!

[pbumbaca]

OK, having been a soccer coach for 4 years and a harda$$ I'd make him sit on the bench tonight, not keep him home. I'd make sure he was at the game and not home where it doesn't sink in. But that's just me and I'm the mean mommy!

[Jennifer]

sounds like a great solution!

Thanks, hopefully it is! I'll update!

[ColleenSwerb]

Jen that sounds perfect :)

[Jennifer]

Phew, glad that's over with... :) It worked out perfectly. We saw the little girl and her mom right when we got there and he apologized again. He sat out the first half, but paid very close attention to the game. He understood exactly why he was sitting and didn't argue or whine once. Once in the game, he had probably his best game ever. He focused on the ball and that was it. Turns out the team we played tonight had a bit of a bully, and Ry just totally ignored him and stayed away. I was really, really proud of him. :thumbup:

We talked in the car on the way home about how proud we were of him and what a huge turn around he had. He was really proud of himself, too, and that was the best thing to see. I hope he will remember this lesson for a very long time.

Again, thanks for all your words of advice and encouragement! I hope my last post didn't seem harsh, but as I'm sure you all know, I was really stressing about the whole thing. Anyway, thanks again! :wub:

[scarletsierra]

Glad it went well, Jen!!

[ColleenSwerb]

Awww that's so wonderful to hear Jen!! I'm so glad it all worked out so well :)

[Nikki Epperson]

Glad it turned out great! :)

[pbumbaca]

So glad to hear it all went well, sounds like your little guy just had an off night and learned a quick lesson!

[crecia27]

What a great little man you have Jen!

[DawnMarch]

Yay! These parenting decisions are so hard, aren't they!? Looks like you handled it perfectly!

[kscwgirl]

Glad it went well Jen!!!!

[Jennifer]

Thanks, girlies. :wub:

[Mama-to-Elle]

So glad it went well!! :)