Feeling Sad and Sentimental

[Nonna2Dreja]

I've been feeling abit sad and sentimental, more so this Holiday Season....Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time for family, right? I hate to unload, but you all seem so caring that I felt that this is the place I can come let it out....

Here is abit of an insight....My 24 1/2 yr old daughter has made a couple of bad choices in picking boyfriends in the past....As a result, we now have two beautiful Grandchildren (Diondré & Aja Nicole) whom we would not trade for the world....Unfortunately their "Father's" do not see them or support them financially....We do....My Grandson's "Father" refuses to get a job and to hold it down and to pay the lousy $29.00 per MONTH Child support....Yup, you read it right--$29.00....My Granddaughter's "Father" is not working right now and claims he suffered injuries at his last place of employment, for which he says he is fighting for compensation....Both "Father's" have told my daughter they have it hard but that she has help....I'll say she has help! IF it were not for my husband and myself who knows who would be helping them because it would not be these two deadbeats! Sorry, I do not mean to come across as though I do not want to help my daughter and her two beautiful children, it is very hard....Hubby and I are her childcare so that she can work a minimum wage job....We provide a roof over their heads, etc....Some days we feel as though we do not get a break and feel guilty for even feeling this way....The children are not to blame--they are innocent in all of this....If it were not for my hubby and I, their Mommy and my family they would not be having Christmas because their "Father's" do not care....

So why do I care if my Grandchildren know their "Father's"? I find myself holding out hope that they (the "Father's") will change and want to know, to love and support their children....

Thanks for allowing me to share during this time that is supposed to be a joyous time for families....

Sheila

[newfiemountiewife]

I have a good friend who's baby's father is the same, he just doesn't acknowledge the child at all. She attempted in the past year (the kid is now 5) to make contact with him again, for the child's sake, and though he did meet with the mom he still did not want to be a part of the child's life. He has a long time girlfriend who has no idea he has a child. It is sad, so sad, but I guess part of you couldn't help but hope that the father would realize what he is missing. I can't understand, especially when I see my DH with the kids, how any father could just shirk their responsibilities like that, not just financially, but emotionally as well. But I suppose some men just don't care and feel like it's the mother's responsibility to deal with it.

My thoughts are, that if they don't care about them now, then it's just as well that they are not part of their life, you and your DH are providing so much for your grandbabies, and they will love and remember that forever. I can imagine it is so hard to take care of them every day, and you do deserve a break for that too, I'm sure you thought you were done raising children. You shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I hope you feel better about the holiday, I know it is so stressful. You are a constant strength in their life, and you make so much of an impact on them every day. You and your DH are wonderful people for doing this for them, and I'm sure they will grow to appreciate all you do. ((hugs))

[Nonna2Dreja]

Jamie, Thank you so much for your hugs and comforting words....I sat here with tears in my eyes reading it....I tell myself and we tell our daughter that her children will grow up and will be better off, but then I find myself wishing and dreaming once again....She no longer trusts guys, it just seems they are all the same....One day she will meet someone who will love her AND her two children....We love them with all of our heart even on the days we want to pull our hair out....LOL

THANK YOU!

[Paula]

Sheila, I think it's wonderful that you and your DH are able to support your grandbabies. I promise you this - when they are older and they need someone for love, guidance and advice, it won't be their deadbeat dads that they run to, it will be Nonna and grandpa (don't know what they call him LOL). What you are doing is making a huge impact on their young lives and one that they will always remember. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes you may feel that you don't have time for yourself, but what you are doing is so wonderful and you may not see it now, but you will see the impact that it's making.

Keep your chin up and know that I admire you for helping your DD and your grandbabies.

[Johna]

I don't know what to say, but did not want to not respond. I am so sorry to hear that the fathers of those beautiful children will not support them.
I will never understand how people can treat children like that! The children and your daughter are very blessed to have you an your dh in their lives.

As hard as I know it must get, you know you are doing the right thing and I pray God gives you the strength to keep going! HUGS!

[Nonna2Dreja]

Paula and Johna, THANK YOU both so much for your comforting words....I think of that poor little Caylee Anthony and how sad it is that it appears her Mommy did not care enough about her, but about her own selfish pleasures....I am thankful that my Daughter loves her two children with all of her heart and that trying as it is at times, we also love them with all of our hearts also....

My Granddaughter, Aja Nicole is a "Nonna's Girl" and my Grandson, Diondré is a "Poppa's Boy" and they will grow up knowing our love and having our guidance....

[ColleenSwerb]

Sheila you're doing a truly wonderful thing. I have a friend who cares for a 5 year old boy because his mother is a deadbeat (and his father is unknown). While it is trying for them at times as they thought they were done raising kids, and their ages weighs on them, they do all that they can to protect and care for this child (despite the system which seems stacked against them). When he gets older, just like your grandkids, he will know who truly cared for him in this life. Your grandkids will forever have a special bond with you.

[wildblueeyez]

I'm sure this is an extremely sad time for you. There is a place in heaven for you, for sure. I hate dead beat dads!!!

We used a similar type of situation to teach my boys, ages 18 and 15, to keep it in their pants! and if they don't, to use protection, no matter what the girl says. They have cousins they look up to that both got their girlfriends pregnant and we've talked about how slim to no chance they have at making it as a couple/mom & dad together, yet they will be responsible for that child the rest of his/her life.

We sat my 18 year old down and had him figure out how much per month he makes cashiering at our local super market, subtract rent, utilities, car/gas, etc to show how expensive living was. He had a bit left over. THEN we did the same thing, except subtracted child support before subtracting the rest and he had next to nothing left. We told him that is what he'd have per month "to live" on. I think it was an eye opener for him and hopefully taught him a lesson ahead of time.

[pbumbaca]

Sheila you and your DH are heroes in my eyes. I have to tell you, I too was in that situation of not knowing my father and I've grown up fine. My mom and her family were all I needed because they were the ones that cared about me. My so called father took off when my mom was pregnant and never looked back. My mom worked 2-3 jobs my whole life to support me while my Nana, aunts and uncles provided my care when she was at work. It doesn't bother me at all that I don't know my father and never has, it's his loss as far as I'm concerned. The only thing I ever wonder about is if I have any siblings out there because I'm an only child. Your Grandchildren will be fine and are very lucky to have you!

[gypsystar]

Big Huge Hugs to you! What you are doing for your daughter and grandchildren is truly selfless and wonderful. They are all so lucky to have such awesome family to be there for them and do so much!

The father of my older two boys isn't much of a father. He and I have been seperated for nearly 3 years and he's seen the boys a grand total of 4 times in all of that time. He just doesn't care. A few months ago the state finally 'found' him and started enforcing his child support order so we've finally been getting a bit of financial help since late August.

It is so sad that they don't know what they are missing out on. I'm glad that Gabriel and Tristan's dad doesn't try to come around though. I totally do not trust that he is able to properly care for them. Gabriel has special needs and requires a lot of specialized care and I just don't want him messing with Tristan's emotions. I'd rather him not be around at all than to hurt Tristan by running in and out of his life.

You are a very special person and I hope you have the happiest of Christmases with your husband, daughter and grandchildren!

[my3hens]

I am so sorry you have to see your daughter and grandchildren suffer. Its a shame some men can not take on their responsiblities!! Its even worse when you have to help support them and they use that as a valid excuse to not step up to the plate. Big hugs! I sincerely hope they change too!

[CA Dreamer]

Sheila,
The biggest of hugs to you. You and your husband are such angels and I such a positive influence in your grandkids' lives. You are providing them with love and stability--and letting them be kids. That is so important.

I think that as long as you acknowledge their dads to them(not sure what the right preposition is here), then they are indeed a part of their lives---even if these men are so immature and selfish right now. I just say this because I know of families who don't mention their dad and even if theses dads don't deserve it, the kids somehow feel like something is wrong with them because their dad was so horrible. Hard to explain, sorry. That being said, if they are negative influences, the kids are probably better off not seeing those guys regularly anyway.

These little guys will only be little once. And, they will know from the depth of their hearts that you and your DH love them and care about them. That someone believes in them and thinks that they are precious. That is such a gift and will give them strength to become the best that they can be. I hope too, that your daughter finds her way in the world and feels strong and capable. That she is able to learn and move forward and be the best mother and young woman she can be.

[Joan]

I just don't understand deadbeat parents (in our family it's a deadbeat mom). :thumbdown:

Huge hugs to you, Sheila. {{{{HUGS}}}} Your daughter is so lucky to have two such wonderful parents, and what this means to your grandchildren now and forever is immeasurable. It's a shame for those poor children that their fathers are such losers but, ultimately, it is the fathers' loss. The money from child support would surely help, but I don't doubt the kids are better off without their deadbeat dads in their lives.

I've seen first hand the widespread damage a parent like that can cause to a child and all of the people who care about the child. I could write several books on what we've been through and all the fallout, and it's never going to end. I hate to say it, but I fear my nephew is irreversibly damaged by his deadbeat mother. The damage she caused to him before she lost custody was bad enough, but her disruptive, erratic presence in his life since has turned his and all our lives upside down. It's not just the effect on him, but his younger half-siblings. I can honestly say that the pittance she has paid in child support has not been even remotely worth it. If I could turn back time I'd gladly pay many times what she paid to keep her 100% out of our lives.

And don't you even think about feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed by all this. Raising kids at the best of times gets overwhelming now and then, and we're all only human! You were done raising children, and now you're doing it all over again. That's not easy! Know what an incredibly special thing it is that you're doing though. Your grandchildren may not have fathers in their lives, but they have something so much more special. And they will know what it means for someone to be a real father, because they have their grandfather as an example. Hugs and warm holiday wishes to all of you! :)

[Nonna2Dreja]

THANK YOU all so very, very much for all of your support, comforting words, hugs and Holiday Wishes....I am so glad that I shared with all of you....I know that there is always someone else in the world who has things so much harder than we do....We will get through this and my Grandchildren and Daughter will know who was always there for them....:)

Both children will know about their "Father's" but not all of the negative things....Mainly that they were to selfish to care about their children....That is probably plenty for them to know....We will be the ones to share all those special memories with them and with my Daughter....:)

[lizzyfizzy]

big hugs sheila!! your an amazing mom and grandmother for taking on such a vital role in your grandbabies lives!! they will forever be grateful!! i hope that the holidays start to look up for you!! BIG HUGS!!!

[Nonna2Dreja]

Thank you so much Lizzy for the Big HUGS and for your comforting words....I picked myself up by my boot straps and started making some holiday goodies today....Still have alot of baking to get done before Christmas Eve, but thanks to all of you I have started it....:thumbup:

Happy Holidays to you!

[Laura_A]

I am so thankful that those sweet little babies have you & your hubby. It's also wonderful that your daughter has you to set a great example for her as a mom.

I understand how you feel and why you would want the children to have a relationship with their fathers... it's natural. I am the child of a deadbeat "dad" and, believe me, even though my father failed me SO many times, I still wanted a relationship with him. It wasn't until I got older that I came to terms with it and realized that he wasn't a positive part of my life.

If you don't mind a tiny bit of advice... of which you probably already know... even with the fathers being the way they are, it's best if nobody speaks badly of them in front of the children. They won't be mature enough to understand... all they'll see are people attacking the person they want to be close to and they'll resent it. (I did this)

So, thank you for being such a wonderful grandma and don't ever hesitate to vent when you need to. That's what we're here for!

[Nonna2Dreja]

Laura, THANK YOU also for your comforting words and advice....It is definitely appreciated more than I can ever say....I do agree with you that speaking badly of my Grandchildren's "Father's" is probably not the best thing for us to do infront of the kids....To be honest, my husband was NOT a participant in my Daughter's life for the first 13 years of her life--by his own choice....But some people are willing to change and he did....We split up when I was pregnant and I did not see him again until my daughter was 13 years old....We married two years later and have been married just over 9 years now....I never bad mouthed him to my daughter when she was younger, but since she is now older I have told her that we never would have made it together (he and I) had we even tried all those years ago....He was not ready to settle down and give up his wild ways....She holds out hope that she will have the same "happy ending" with my Grandson's "Father" though I have told her she is wasting her time because he will never change....He has "summer kids"....In 2006, when my Grandson was born in April, two months later he had a baby girl, then two months later he had another baby boy....He has a total of 5 kids (counting my Grandson) and another one on the way in April 2009....Can you say "snip, snip"?

Anyhow, sorry to go on and on....Thank you so much for your reply....