I need to vent today too

[tuneskids]

UGH!! Anyone want a mouthy 14 year old? Seriously, every thing you tell him/say to him/ask him, he has to make some smarta$$ response to. Cody, put your laundry in your drawers properly .... why, it's mine. Cody, you are grounded, no friends over ... but they aren't doing anything, and I should be allowed to have them over, I'm not going anywhere.

Seriously, I wanna cry. I am beyond stressed with him. Yeah, I know, he needs a good kick in the a$$, but after my husband disciplined him LAST year (and was subsequently charged with assault and is still on probation, but that's a whole other story), I am too scared to do anything that will have Child & Family Services involved again. Seriously. Stressed. Out. And since the only form of discipline I have been using is verbal ... I get the rude snide comments out of Cody.

I keep trying to get in touch with his biological father, with no success. It has been 2 years since we have seen him or heard a word from him. I had to get Family Maintenance to go after him for child support - but they can only go by the court ordered amount ... from 1999!!! TEN years ago. He makes WAY more money now.
I wish I could afford to take his sorry pathetic a$$ to court and get more support and court appointed visitation to MAKE him take his child, since he seems to think Cody doesn't need him anymore.

Sorry, I am just pissy. And stressing. And so don't know what to do.

Of course, all this with the housing stress I've been under for 3 months just isn't good. I haven't been sleeping well, or eating well. Des keeps saying we need some time away from Cody, but I can't do that him, unless it's with his father. Since he has already been abandoned by one parent, I can't abandon him too.

[jessica31876]

I think all parents with teenagers experience this with their kids at some point in time. Teenagers can just be tough. Much harder IMO then any other age. They have more mobility and are capable of doing alot more on their own and have alot more freedom of thought at that age then say a 2 or 3 year old or even a 5 or 6 year old. They have the body of an adult and still think like a child alot of the time and do things most of the time without thinking of the consequences. I think of my kids alot of the time as 3 years old in an adults body with an adults vocabulary LOL. Just hang in there and try to stay consistent with what you do and dont back down when he challenges you. He wants to see how far he can push before you back down and let him do whatever he is trying to do.

[Kat Stokes]

HUGS S!!! I'm with Jessica! Don't back down. Tell him to shut his mouth or every time he talks back he's going to get another day/week added to his grounding. Have you taken away his privileges at home yet (games, computer, iPod, tv, etc.)? If not, try doing that on top of him not being able to go anywhere or hang out with his friends. And, again, if he keeps acting up, keep adding time. I know it's hard on you but he needs to really know who is the boss - YOU!!!

I'm sorry his dad is a POS!

I'll be online later tonight if you want to vent.... :) Chin up girlie!!!

[Paula]

You know Sonja, my DD is 14 and has that attitude too. I called the cops over to my house after a particularly BAD night. She started in with her mouth to me being very disrespectful, and the cops verbally wailed on her. They put the fear of God in her and now all I have to do is threaten to call them and she is as nice as can be.

I don't know if that's an option for you, but perhaps a third party can talk to your DS about it.

[crystalbella77]

I am so sorry sweetie! I don't have kids that age, so I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry. :( HUGS!

[jennpage]

I have been having probs with my 15 year old too. He mouths off and refuses to do things sometimes. I about had to drag him in the house one night by the ear. Then a neighbor called the cops on us and the cop let my son have it. She told him that he may think he is invincible, he is not and he needs to listen to me. She threatened to take him to juvi if he didn't straighten up. Things have been better since then. Sometimes I just want to run to my parents and tell them I am sorry for the way I was because now I see what they went through. This age is really hard.

[newfiemountiewife]

Mine are all so much younger too, so I can't offer any advice, but I'll offer up some ((hugs)).

[Mandy]

I don't really like to get too personal online but I'm having issues with my DD (14yo) as well. We deleted her Myspace acct. a few months back with the agreement that she would have a Facebook acct. because it's a way to keep in touch with the friends she's made (we're military and move a lot) but Facebook is a little more tame and child-friendly than Myspace.
Last night we went to town to get dinner and her brother ratted her out that she was on the computer after locking herself in our room. (he peeked under the door).
That led to the discovery of a secret Myspace page and lots of other discoveries with that. A pothead boyfriend, the names of friends that smoke pot which have now led to their parents being involved, cursing and other stuff, like admitting to ditching Sunday school, that has pretty much broken our hearts. We knew something was wrong when her grades started dropping.
Although I do believe in spanking, I believe that this is something that has gone way beyond that.
Her punishment inludes: All her posters and photos of rock bands on her wall ripped down, makeup trashed, nail polish only if approved by me, all her magazines trashed, no phone, no tv, no radio, no going outside for 6 weeks after school, no school functions, she is banned from her room til we comb it and if and when she does get it back, she will have no door. She is completely cut off from one friend in particular who, unfortunately, lives across the street.
I will now approve of her clothes and later today we are going to get the haircut of my choosing.
Life is sucking for her but one thing I will not tolerate in this house is lies and secrets. She is 14, not 21.

Gah, teenagehood sucks.

[KristinCB]

I'm sorry sonja *huge hugs* :( :( I wish I had some advice..

[kim21673]

I'll take your 14 year old if you want my 17 year old?!?!?! I will say that it DOES get better eventually!! We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel finally!!

[Sharon Kay]

WOW! I'm not the only one? Until December...I had THREE boy teenagers in the house! Now one is 20...but still acting the same.

Ok here is what I suggest...you can do a 30 day trial...and the nice thing is this safe surfing softare can be installed on I think it is up to 5 computers on a single license! The company that owns it is in the UK (used to be a USA company)...I was so impressed that I bought the software!

Found out my dh was going to not-so-nice-actually-disgusting sites on our son's computer!!! I got screen shots that the software took that was so shocking! Well I bought the software and told him every computer is NOW under my watchful eye! Explains why son's computer was acting funny...even though dh had erased all the cookies & surfing history (he thought)...the site had still downloaded things onto the son's computer. Oh I ripped into my dh for this...and he thought he was being sneaky. Swears it was a one time thing. ...now he knows it will be...

If I e-mail them with a question, usually by the time I get up the next morning I have an answer. The software can capture screen shots, can block certain websites, and can block them based on type of filtering. You can also have it set where they cannot send out certain personal info (but you have to be wary of other ways to send it...using numbers or words). It can run on the system tray where a child can see it...or you can run stealth which is how our computers are set up.

You can also logon from anywhere, put in your password and immediately block internet to a computer in your house! You can also block the internet from certain times of the day. In other words...at work and you get an alert in your e-mail...login through your e-mail link and see what is happening on that particular computer and decide if you want to block a new site or just turn off the internet until you can go home and confront them.

Share a computer? No problem...each person can have their own login and you can block each one differently! My sister found out through the software that her daughter was getting on the computer in the wee hours of the morning and what she was doing. ...so sister set it to block the internet after a certain time at night...and my niece thought the internet was really unreliable and was going down at night. ha ha ha

Note this site views best in Internet Explorer:
http://www.cybersentinel.co.uk/

If you have any questions, drop them an e-mail!

[Sharon Kay]

Stand firm...no matter what you do...stand firm. They need to see there are limits.

I have told our kids...WE PAY FOR THE INTERNET...WE PAY FOR THE HOUSE...until you move out and pay for your own...you are under OUR RULES.

Smart mouths...yes my boys have them...they also do chores for every smart remark they do...I just count "1 chore...oh 2 chores...oh 3 chores"...then the clothes get brought up and put away from the basement, the dishes done, etc. etc. Finally they realize duh I better shut up. ...but by then several things are going to get done around the house.

[juliemarie]

Awww, hugs Sonja!! 14 is a bad age, it gets better, at least with girls. My oldest is 17, and she is about 10 times better than she was at 14.

[sugarlips]

I know exactly how ya'll feel! I have a 16yr old DD (just turned 16 last week) who I am ready to kill! In the last 2 months I have caught her lying about spending the nite with a friend and trying to stay with her boyfriend. I have caught her smoking, lying, and just last week got caught at school buying pills where she was suspended 3 days, had to attend a school board hearing and is now in alternative school! The pills made her a zombie and sooo sick that she was even trying to throw them up, so at least she hated the feeling so hopefully she learned a lesson there-at least she says she did. We'll see.
I have had horrible problems in past with her as well and I had the cops come to my house too, which didn't go the way she wanted when he went off on her after she thru a fit in front of him cuz she couldn't get her way.
We've taken everything away from her. And all of this happened 3 days before her 16th birthday, which she's griping and complaining still how I "ruined" her 16th b-day cuz I grounded her and took away her new laptop that she got a couple of days before. I RUINED IT! ME???? UGGHHHHH---like I said...I am ready to kill her!!

[Sharon Kay]

I know exactly how ya'll feel! I have a 16yr old DD (just turned 16 last week) who I am ready to kill! In the last 2 months I have caught her lying about spending the nite with a friend and trying to stay with her boyfriend. I have caught her smoking, lying, and just last week got caught at school buying pills where she was suspended 3 days, had to attend a school board hearing and is now in alternative school! The pills made her a zombie and sooo sick that she was even trying to throw them up, so at least she hated the feeling so hopefully she learned a lesson there-at least she says she did. We'll see.
I have had horrible problems in past with her as well and I had the cops come to my house too, which didn't go the way she wanted when he went off on her after she thru a fit in front of him cuz she couldn't get her way.
We've taken everything away from her. And all of this happened 3 days before her 16th birthday, which she's griping and complaining still how I "ruined" her 16th b-day cuz I grounded her and took away her new laptop that she got a couple of days before. I RUINED IT! ME???? UGGHHHHH---like I said...I am ready to kill her!!

{{{Kellie}}} Stand firm stand firm stand firm stand firm!! I have seen what has happened with my 19 yo niece...and her mom would back down and things got worse and worse and worse...she snuck a boyfriend into the house before her parents put the alarm on the house for the night and he stayed in her room all night and day (she said she felt sick so they left her alone) before he got caught in the room...she ended up with STDs...ended up living in her car in a part of a town so bad her military dad wouldn't go into it...doing drugs and ending up in drug rehab...and on and on. She had diabetes...and her mom felt sorry for her...so she would back down on threats...and it taught her daughter that she could manipulate her mom with her diabetes. It's still stinks and the parents and everyone around is having YKW because of her. Only thing that ever helped was sis turned her daughter into juvenile authorities...so suddenly she had to answer to a probation officer on a regular basis...not just her parents.

Stand firm...and talk to us...vent all you want! Just stand firm!

[LeeAndra]

I feel bad for Cory, Sonja. Not because of you or your parenting, but because he needs his father at this pivotal time in his life & Dad would rather do anything than have contact with him. I'm sure his feelings of loneliness and abandonment play into his normal teenage attitude, and he's likely taking that angst out on you because he doesn't have anywhere else to go with it and because you are 'safe' and won't reject him like Dad has.

Does your church or community offer any low cost and/or free counseling? That would be my first suggestion along with echoing the consistent discipline others have mentioned in earlier posts.

[4noisyboys]

I'm offering up some really big giant hugs here. Believe me...I've been through it all!! My older two were really great all through high school....but then...things got WAY out of hand. My 21 year old is bipolar, and the things we've gone through with him are more than I thought I could handle. Thankfully, my 17 year old is a good kid...but there is always the possibility that he could start wanting to do other things too. Never say never!!

So...if you don't want lies, be prepared to listen to the truth and not punish for telling it. You might not like what you hear, and you can let them know your feelings, but keep the lines of communication open.

Don't send him to his dad's. He isn't a part of his life. That will make him feel like you've abandoned him.

Again...giant bear hugs!!! It will get better...just stand firm on the important things.

As for someone who mentioned computer things, I have BeSafe on my computer, and while it isn't 100% fool proof, my boys can't get on myspace. I'm also a firm believer that NO child should have a computer in their room. Sorry if some of you do and you feel it's ok....that's your child and you can do whatever you want, but my boys computers are in the office downstairs with glass french doors on it. I can walk by at any time and see what's going on in there!