Reward System for small children

[joelsgirl]

I'm looking for one to use with my 2 1/2 & 5 year olds. We spank, but I think spanking should only be for big things. It's just that there are a lot of little things, both bad and good.

Like Jack, 5, has had a hard time "remembering" to go to the bathroom when he's busy playing, so he ends up leaking a little. For a while I rewarded him with candy everytime he stayed dry all day and when he pooped in the potty. We're past that point now, but I'd like to still reward him for staying dry just not with something big every time.

So I need a system that is both rewarding for good behavior but deals with bad behavior as well. Does anyone know of one, a book or a website or some kind of resource for me? Does anyone have one that you use that works really well?

[Megan Turnidge]

My friend does pennies in a jar and once it's full, the kid gets to go and pick out a toy at the store. Certain things earn pennies and others result in removing pennies from the jar.

[Jenn Barrette]

We started doing the marble jar with Ava (3 1/2) and it has worked wonders. She gets a marble for randomly doing as she is told, being extra helpful, etc and loses a marble when she has to be told to do something more than once, pushes her sister, etc. When she fills her jar, she gets to go pick out a new book, or...go out for ice cream. I doubt she will ever pick the book LOL, but I wanted to give her the option. Also, if she asks for a toy she sees on tv, we ask her if she wants to get it when she fills her jar, but so far she has said no, she would rather have ice cream!

[jannylynn]

We do "warm fuzzies" in a jar. It's those little fuzzy balls. They collectively earn and lose them. But they get to do something fun (like Chucky Cheese) when it gets full.

[jessica31876]

Ive seen this done before. You could use pennies or marbles or those little pebbley things you use in fishtanks (like marbles but flat LOL) Then you just figure out what will be the rules and breaking a rule results in losing a penny/pebble/marble and then gaining them can be following rules/doing something really nice for someone in the house/doing chores etc. I did something similar with my kids with stickers and they got an allowance and according to how many stickers they had was how much their allowance would be.

My friend does pennies in a jar and once it's full, the kid gets to go and pick out a toy at the store. Certain things earn pennies and others result in removing pennies from the jar.

[joelsgirl]

So how big a jar should I use? For maximum benefit, how long should it take a child to fill up a jar?

[jannylynn]

I cleaned out a plastic mayonaise jar. It usually takes about a month for them to fill it up because the fuzzies go in and out.

I think it depends on the reward. I don't want to take them to Chucky Cheese more than once per month!!!

[cheltzey]

We did nickels in a baby food jar. When they had 20, they could pick something out at the dollar store. I wanted them to be able to get their reward more quickly since it's more tangible that way.

[Joana1n]

love the jar ideas! i'm going to do that.

[emmasmommy]

we do a sticker chart with my 4 (almost 5) year old. When she fills up a whole week she gets to pick something out when we go to the grocery store for the week. I've also been known to take a trip to the dollar store just for her.

[Sarah8914]

So how big a jar should I use? For maximum benefit, how long should it take a child to fill up a jar?


Oh, this is crucial. by the way, if you do marbles, you can also give them like 5 at a time or different amounts depending on what it is. I wasn't consistent when we tried the marble jar thing, so it didn't work too well. Plus, the hardest thing, is it was taking wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long to fill it. I think for my little ones, even a month is too long... they need to see that they really are getting rewarded for something. Of course, if the reward is big, you would want it longer, but if you keep it small, it's not so bad.

here's a super fun reward system--I don't know if they take away points for bad behavior or only reward good behavior. I'm a huge fan of positive reinforcement:
http://theidearoom.blogspot.com/2009/08/reward-points-system-and-home-store.html

[nonnie]

wow - we just let them out of the closet for the day!!! :p








(yes I am just teasing)

[emmasmommy]

wow - we just let them out of the closet for the day!!! :p









bwahahahahahah

[sczos911]

I do marbles and use a small votive size candle holder that looks like a flower pot. It takes a while and each has their own jar.

[Stacey42]

We do buttons with my youngest. He gains or loses buttons with his behavior and when he has 20 buttons or more for 2 straight days (since he relapses as soon as he hits 20) he gets to pick a small toy like a Star Wars action figure. It takes him about 3 weeks to get 20 buttons. My older son gets $2 a week allowence and loses & regains nickles from it during the week. Unlike his brother he starts out with $2 & they are deducted or earned back & then at the end of the week whatever remains is his allowence for the week

[joelsgirl]

here's a super fun reward system--I don't know if they take away points for bad behavior or only reward good behavior. I'm a huge fan of positive reinforcement:
http://theidearoom.blogspot.com/2009/08/reward-points-system-and-home-store.html

That is a freakin amazing system...for the super structured over achiever. Unfortunately, my kids don't even know they have a bedtime because we so rarely find it. {sigh} If someone could bottle up some consistency and motivation, I would be really grateful.

Thanks for sharing the link, Sarah. I plan on spending tomorrow browsing that site; it looks really awesome.

[lauren grier]

we do rocks in a jar- lol like the other girls with their marbles and pennies, and we have a very detailed schedule- that he has to earn a check mark for each thing- then at the end of the day he earns his rock. He also has a behavioral reward system.
Instead of "taking away" things for bad behavior- ce just doesnt' "earn" for that period (different things are different lengths of time).. a positive token society reward system type set up works best i think- it's obv the same thing (not earning vs losing) but it works better on their heads.

[nanienamou]

here's a super fun reward system--I don't know if they take away points for bad behavior or only reward good behavior. I'm a huge fan of positive reinforcement:
http://theidearoom.blogspot.com/2009/08/reward-points-system-and-home-store.html


That system seems awesome! I love that little store idea. It's getting me motivated to do it!

About the positive reinforcement thing: what do you do when your child does not behave, say, he hits his brother? You don't remove points (or rocks, or pennies, whatever)?

We really need to have a system like that, I think.

[Chantal Miller]

aaahhh now we need something to motivate the pre-teen to tidy her room; put her towel back in the bathroom... oh and clean the counter after she's made a sandwhich

[lauren grier]

That system seems awesome! I love that little store idea. It's getting me motivated to do it!

About the positive reinforcement thing: what do you do when your child does not behave, say, he hits his brother? You don't remove points (or rocks, or pennies, whatever)?

We really need to have a system like that, I think.

nope.. he just doesn't get his check mark or rock or whatever. So instead of him losing his entire jar- which he did fairly earn for previous positive behavior- he just breaks the current contract and doesn't earn for whatever period it may be. This is when it depends on your kid, their capabilities, and your expectations etc. Ce has to earn X amount of check marks to get his 1 rock for the day- There are certain 100% rock deal breakers though- but minor offenses, he just doesn't get one specific check mark and has to hope he has enough at the end of the day. When he gets older I'll move the rocks to 1x a week.
Things like, hitting, hurting himself, talking back, whining (haha I HATE whining!) are clearly known rules of our house- i really break it down for him as he thrives on structure and rules.

[lauren grier]

p.s. I think that losing all the rocks for bad behavior is something better for older kids. A youngin- while they'll understand that they lost everything and be sad and prob mad :p - they may have trouble with the whole "but i was good and you took away my good rocks" bit & just be angry instead of understanding- I did something WRONG, I don't earn my rock. It's best, imo to be really clear- if he/she did something great- they shouldn't lose the rock for that great moment.

[rochelle789]

One other thing to consider with reward/token systems is if your child is younger, it's a really good idea to start with a richer reward schedule at first, so he/she has an opportunity to earn the reward soon and see what it's all about. As time goes on, you can space the rewards out more, or set it up so that he/she has to earn more tokens/rocks/marbles, etc. to get the reward. Anything you can do in the beginning to set them up for success will motivate them and make it easier.

Good luck!

[jannylynn]

I have older kids, so a bigger reward once per month works. My youngest is 4 and sometimes doesn't get it so the "rules" are adjusted for his level of understanding. What's neat about my system is that they have to work together. They remind each other that they'll lose fuzzies if they don't finish cleaning up or start fighting, etc. It has to be something really bad for them to lose all of them though. And sometimes they only get their reward every 6 weeks because they made poor choices.

I would do something that gives a weekly reward for my 4yo but I can barely keep up with the one jar.

[gypsystar]

We do a reward system but it's for one specific problem we have been having. Tristan is 5 1/2, he'll be 6 in July. He was late to potty train but has consistently had issues the whole time he's been potty trained. The worst started a year ago, he would either go potty in his pants or go sneak off somewhere in the house and do it. We tried various reward systems like small prizes for every time he went potty but after a week or so it would just stop working and he would go back to his old ways. Then at the beginning of this year it got really bad. He essentially stopped using the potty at all and always went in his pants or did it somewhere in the house for 2 months we struggled with it.

His big thing is video games he's way addicted and is always begging to play. So we decided to do a sticker chart. 7 stickers would get him a new game. Every day he earns a sticker for going to the potty. We don't take away stickers but if he goes in his pants or anywhere in the house that isn't the potty then he doesn't earn a sticker for that day and he doesn't get to play any video games for the rest of that day. He has done really great! The longest it has taken him to earn a game is 10 days so far. He's earned 3 so far and is working on his 4th. Eventually I plan to stretch it out to have him earn more stickers to get his game and he may have the ability to earn other toys or movies if we start running out of games.

[newfiemountiewife]

Wow...I'm actually surprised to see how many people do these things, I never did any reward charts or anything with the kids. Maybe they're deprived? LOL

[lauren grier]

Wow...I'm actually surprised to see how many people do these things, I never did any reward charts or anything with the kids. Maybe they're deprived? LOL

LOL
no.. honestly.. i don't think all kids need a reward system. I mean- I didn't do it for like, toilet training or anything- but obv some kids need it for that. Ce just has struggles right now and it helps him over the hump :]

[Sarah8914]

Yeah, I don't really need a system for my oldest, she's an angel. My middle child is a little difficult, so I need to implement something for her!

Kellie, that site is AMAZING. So many great ideas!

[Stacey42]

Yeah, my younger child needs the reward system more than my oldest does now. We still have a couple very specific issues with DS1 that the nickles are geared to and he has one issue that is reward only that earns him 10 cents a day if he completes it.

DS2 though has an amazing temper and a bad habit of shouting "NO!" everytime he is asked to do something or if he wants something. He doesn't even stop to think what is being said, "NO!" is just his automatic response, then a few minutes later he gives you his real answer. So he loses a button for shouting NO at me or having to be dragged to time out for other behavior. But if says 'ok' or goes along with the request with no whining or shouting he earns a button.

We tried just rewarding them but they don't respond to that as well as they do to losing and gaining the buttons. Plus we do a random thing where at any point they could be rewarded out of the blue for good behavior in other areas

[emmasmommy]

LOL
no.. honestly.. i don't think all kids need a reward system. I mean- I didn't do it for like, toilet training or anything- but obv some kids need it for that. Ce just has struggles right now and it helps him over the hump :]


this is us too. emma needs the positive reinforcement for certain things. we didn't have a reward system for potty training or things like that. we have it now for sleeping through the night and behavioral stuffs.

[Joana1n]

Instead of "taking away" things for bad behavior- ce just doesnt' "earn" for that period (different things are different lengths of time).. a positive token society reward system type set up works best i think- it's obv the same thing (not earning vs losing) but it works better on their heads.

i like that. my dd would pitch a squall-eyed fit if i had to take something away like that, and i'd prefer positive reinforcement whenever possible.

[mlewis]

Depending on how you feel about food as a reward, here's what we did for a while with Camden when he was 3-4. He would start out the day with 15 M&M's and would lose M&M's one at a time for being disrespectful, disobeying, ugly to Rory, etc. He got to eat what was left after supper. He seemed fairly motivated by the M&M's and I figured that it wasn't too much candy to have in one day (especially since they NEVER made it through the day with all 15 M&M's and we don't do candy or dessert on a normal day except for those M&M's).

We did the sticker chart with Camden when he was 5 and instead of punishing him for bad behavior, we rewarded him with good behavior - one sticker every time he was caught being good. After he filled up 20 stickers, he got to have an hour of Wii time (usually every 5-7 days).

I like the marble system for a little older. It seems like it would be hard for a 3 year old to want a reward that would take him days/weeks to earn.

[lauren grier]

I like the marble system for a little older. It seems like it would be hard for a 3 year old to want a reward that would take him days/weeks to earn.

that's why you have to make the "marbles" or whatever super exciting too ^_^ .. ce LOVES- is obsessed with- rocks. So that's why we went that route :]

[jaylensmom]

i'm so going to have to do this for my son...he can be a whiner and it drives me crazy...la wouldn't last in our house :) he has been doing much better plus i'm thinking that the reward system would stop some of his requests to go to toys r us...

[Mama-to-Elle]

I think these are awesome ideas :)

Elle could use some help at the moment too, she is just 3, and has developed the WORST attitude, talks back, says NO, is rude, etc. So I think a marble jar, could be really effective here, we will give it a try, and see how it goes :)

Thanks for all the ideas!