Let's Talk about Gift Giving

[joelsgirl]

Personally, I think it's outdated.

In a society as affluent as ours, what can I possibly afford to buy someone that they will actually enjoy? Most people {that I know} buy whatever they want whenever they want. They might be saving up for big items, but obviously I can't afford to buy those big items. When I was a kid, I only got presents on my birthday & at Christmas, so presents were a big deal. It's not that way anymore.

What do you think? I think it's good to do things that show people we love them, but maybe there is a better option. Any ideas? Or do you feel like you DO give meaningful gifts that people really appreciate?

Inquiring minds want to know.

[*Celeste*]

i have been cutting back. i tend to buy people books that i think they would like or cookbooks or cooking implements. useful things i guess. i think there is something to be said for giving people experiences more so than gifts. things like tickets to a play or the science center.

[newfiemountiewife]

I kind of feel the same. I mean, my kids have four sets of grandparents that buy for them. They are treated to too much all year long. I asked them what they wanted for Christmas, and they couldn't even think of anything! It's ridiculous.

We don't buy for adults (ie, brothers and sisters) because of the obvious problem, not knowing what to get. I mean, if we want something, we generally go and get it, kwim? And I think most other people are the same.

I don't know what the answer is, but you're right.

[emmasmommy]

i agree kellie. dh and i don't buy for each other because well, if we want it, we go out and buy it. we don't buy for our siblings because i think it's just silly. we all have families and i think it's better to 'spoil' our own children then to get each other meaningless gifts just for the sake of gifting. I generally will treat my parents/aunts/etc. to a lunch every now and then, but in general we don't do gifts. I do make them scrapbooks or send them little cards every now and then but nothing monetarily extravagant.

[nesser1981]

When Keira was little I was bad about buying her whatever, whenever, but I don't do that anymore. So I think for the kids its still the same.

For adults its different, but its the thought that counts. I try to get photo gifts, which people love.

[g8rbeckie]

I love buying presents for people! I'm one of those people who doesn't need ANYTHING, so I can't say that people like to buy for me, LOL...

but I really put thought into what i get for everyone and I like to get things for people that they wouldn't normally get for themselves.

I also love meaningful gifts; last year I made full-size calendars for everyone and little pocket calendars.

We also have family that lives a bit more paycheck-to-paycheck than we do, and I'm so thankful for everything we have that I like to go a little overboard on them all. It's the one time of year I can do that and it doesn't feel awkward to me.

And lastly...this year we sponsored a family in need at our church. I'm not telling the kids because they don't understand that yet (they would know the family) but as they get older I definitely will share that with them.

[heathergw]

totally agree Kellie, though we try to only buy for our kids for birthday and Christmas and we limit how much we give and what we give them since we don't really want many toys, especially since they get so many from the grandparents... which is really hard when their birthdays are so close to Christmas... we do buy for the nieces and nephew and it's basically craft or school supplies.

[nikkiARNGwife]

We only buy gifts for our parents and my grandmother. When we first got married, we exchanged gifts with DH's sister and her husband who we see MAYBE every other year b/c they live in Pennsylvania but I finally convinced DH to nip that in the bud b/c it just seemed so pointless. We don't exchange gifts with any of my siblings. Sometimes I do little "happy" gifts like some inexpensive kitchen gadgets and stuff for my sisters..but it's never anything over like 10 bucks. I agree...if any of us want something we just go out and buy it.

DH and I don't usually exchange gifts either...sometimes he'll surprise me with something but most years not..our anniversary is Dec 29th so we'd rather have a date night alone than anything else lol

So...just kids are gifted in our family. :)

[luckyme]

I don't need anything, either. Honestly, the best "present" that I get at Christmas is a quiet day at home with my family, the chance to cook them a really nice meal and us all enjoying it together.

For my parents, I keep my eye out for books that I know they would like (big readers), both fiction and cookbooks. I also like to buy my mom nice pjs every few years because it's something she wouldn't necessarily buy for herself.

For my husband, I pick out some nice sweaters/tops whenever I see them because he's an unusual size (XL-tall) and doesn't often shop for himself. It's sort of a "Hey, I got ya covered!" gift.

For my daughter, I buy her books that I loved as a little girl and we share time reading them together. So, although there's a gift involved, it's really about the experience... This year I also bought her swim lessons as part of her Christmas gift, starting in the new year. Yes, I could just take her, but I want her to understand that these things cost money and that it is a privilege/treat to have them -- not a requirement.

One thing we do with our daughter (she's 4) is go through her toys pick out toys to give away to children's charities/doctor office/etc. We allow only as many toys as comfortably fit on her shelves and drawers. Once they start spilling over, it's time to cull. She seems to get it. I want her to value what she does have and not be overwhelmed by too much "stuff" cluttering up her playspace in her room.

[Paula]

I agree Kellie. My DH and I have this agreement that we won't buy each other gifts. Instead, when the tax refund comes, he gets some and I get some to spend how we want. I don't need/want anything, as long as my kids have a good Christmas and we are together as a family, my Christmas is made. :)

[mummytothree]

I am rasing my kids the way I was raised and it's like you said Kellie: gifts only on birthday and Christmas. We do one "large" present ($30 to $40 dollar range) on birthday and then usually a few small ones (couple bucks a piece).

Then for Christmas we only do 4 gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. One of those gifts is large/expensive (this year they ranged from $40 to $70 dollars between the 5 kids) and the other 3 gifts are usually $10 to $20 dollars a piece.

My kids are healthy, happy and well adjusted....they love and apprieciate anything that is given to them. They know what is really important and that the gifts are just "icing on the cake". When we go to stores they never ask for anything right then. Of course they love to look and almost always say: I'm adding such and such to my christmas/birthday list.

All my gifts for family are always handmade: calendars/travel mugs/photo books/brag books, ect......

[lauren grier]

you can buy me a present kellie. I don't have any money or stuff. hahaha

I really just buy for ce.... Last year, we got really really small things for my parents- from ce- I think that's way cuter/nicer than me spending gobs of money on things they may not even want.

[ColleenSwerb]

I LOVE giving gifts. LOVE. I get it from my mom. She calls herself the Head Elf and we all have to give her wishlists for her to send to Santa.

Growing up, I mostly remember presents only for birthday's and Christmas. I'm sure we got little things here and there, but it was mostly about birthdays and Christmas. I'm also greedy and always want SOMETHING, whether it's clothes or photography related or craft related stuff. I'm working on that now that we've combined finances and I can't just spend willy nilly, lol. Jordan wants much less, and as such just buys what he wants when he wants it. This is very unbalanced for us because I'm constantly wanting things and being told no, lol.

I love giving gifts, and I try and make them meaningful. But sometimes, if all his sisters ask for is a gas card, or a sweater from Abercrombie, then so be it. I try and do a homemade something regardless, but I try not to kill myself either. I'm sure things will change once we start having kids, but for now we still get presents for both of our parents, and each of our siblings. I can't stand the thought of not having presents to open on Christmas.

Our company also usually sponsors a family or two around Christmas, and we always make a donation to that fund to help. Every little bit helps.

[Shawna]

We only buy presents for our kids and not for each other with the exception of something small in our stockings like a CD or DVD or B&BW stuff for me. We want to make Christmas super special for our kids, that's what's most important to us. Rob and I usually wait til we get our tax refund in February and then we both get to splurge on something big that we've been wanting and that seems to work out great for us.

We used to draw names with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. but there are just SO many of us now that many of us are married with our own kids that we just did away with that because most of us just couldn't afford it. Plus my parents are divorced and both remarried so I have a brother, half-brother plus lots of step-siblings (I'm the oldest of 8 total) and their spouses and all their kids as well so with our huge families it's just not doable for us.

[crecia27]

I agree 100% for the adults in my life. My kids only get gifts at Christmas and birthdays so we are still able to give them the excitement of wanting something, waiting for it then wondering if they are going to get it (because we can't always give them everything and don't want them to ever think they get everything they ask for just because they asked for it)

[LeeAndra]

Unfortunately, I was raised in a family where gifts = love. We were not given gifts all year long, but Christmas is a REALLY. BIG. DEAL. to my mother. She spends hundreds of dollars on gifts for everyone and is VERY upset when she receives a gift that she does not view as thoughtful or something she would want or like. My sister is the same way.

If I told my sister, 'Let's just buy presents for the kids this year, okay?' what she would hear is, 'Let's just buy presents for the kids this year because I hate your stinkin' guts and would rather die than waste money on a present for you.' Seriously.

We were not able to afford to buy anyone but the kids Christmas gifts last year, and I don't know that we'll be able to this year, either, but it is more of an anomaly than a rule. My parents and sister will expect Christmas presents every year that we can afford them.

It's the same way with birthday presents.

Sigh.

Thank goodness my ILs are not that way.

[crecia27]

Heddy, we are doing something similar this year. We are giving our 9 year old a week at sleep away summer camp and our daughter a mother /daughter weekend as gifts. These are things we would have done anyway but they are big ticket items and we want them to be really appreciated rather than taken for granted. Thats the hope anyway :-)

[Aimeemomof2+]

Then for Christmas we only do 4 gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. One of those gifts is large/expensive (this year they ranged from $40 to $70 dollars between the 5 kids) and the other 3 gifts are usually $10 to $20 dollars a piece.



We do this at Christmas, too. Though we do 3 gifts. Something you want, something you need, something I want you to have. :)

My husband and I don't do gifts for each other. I do get some gift cards to restaurants for some of the adults in the family. Some of them are struggling financially and LOVE to eat out...so it is a treat that I know they would want and will definitely use.

[Sarah8914]

Oh, I LOVE the 4 gifts idea Elizabeth. I'm pretty sure I remember reading something similar last year, but we didn't do it so much. We keep it pretty small though. It's easy since 2 birthdays are only a couple months before Christmas, so they get way too much anyway. Not to mention stuff from 2 sets of grandparents and 2 sets of great grandparents. Birthdays AND Christmas. It's way too much. But, I can't tell them to stop (esp. my parents).

What is hard for me is that my mom has started a "Grandma's trunk" thing and every time we go over, she lets the girls pick out, not one, but 2 things from it. Just because. I know she wants to spoil them, but they don't need more stuff! I finally stopped complaining and let it be and just end up throwing away junk things... but it's just pointless. For them, for whatever reason, it really is like gifts=love and it drives me crazy. We didn't have money for Christmas's growing up and I feel like they are making up for it.

Anyway, we don't just buy things for the kids except for Christmas and birthdays. But, everyone else does (and we do something as an incentive for something)...

We still "trade names" in both our families but we really like it. It's a chance for us to learn a little more about whatever family we have and do something special for them. This year, it's all handmade, so I'm excited about that. But it is hard because they don't need anything.

[suze]

Yeah i kinda agree with you. My dh family usually goes pretty over board, lets say example my sil bought us a couch!! This year its planned to finally be all about the grandkids. Its a holiday thats all about us being together we dont care bout much else. We plan photo and special little gifts

This year is going to be very different tho since we just had Em! Photos and keepsakes will be it this year

[Leah]

We buy for my parents and a select few nieces/nephews. I feel that it is important for our kids to see that Mom & Dad have gifts under the tree too, especially from each other, so we do a few smaller items - socks, slippers, chocolates, stuff like that. Nothing elaborate.

Our kids have everything, which makes gift-buying really hard. DD asked for 5 baby dolls this year...well how many does she need? It's hard for me not to think like that, so I forced myself to buy one. LOL Christmas isn't about what they "need"...so I was told. :)

[nonnie]

I agree Kellie. My DH and I have this agreement that we won't buy each other gifts. Instead, when the tax refund comes, he gets some and I get some to spend how we want. I don't need/want anything, as long as my kids have a good Christmas and we are together as a family, my Christmas is made. :)

This is what we do!

[DawnMarch]

I HATE Christmas shopping. I never know what to get and agonize over it every year. I tried to talk my family into only exchanging gifts among the children, but nobody would go for it.

[MamaBee]

Oh, I'm totally with you!

For the last couple of years with my mom and step dad, we have a "no gift" rule... we get each other thing through out the year that we need, so why do we HAVE to give something to each other just because it's Christmas... spending time together is the best gift to give... They do get gifts for J and he gets them something too.

My hubby's family... UGH! My FIL is one of those that gift = love. He asks for lists every year, yet he has us go and buy it (he will pay for it, but we have to do the running to get it)... what's the point of the gift? we know what we are going to get. So we finally convinced FIL this year to no gifts... of course we got a lot of pouting and the "you are ruining my Christmas"... whatever, get over it...

What I think is the best gift... and the rest of the family laugh at me... is DH's Aunt. All year long she shops Walgreens for rebates and gets all this shampoo and what not and then at Christmas she divides it between the nieces and nephews. I totally look forward to what the family calls, "The bag of rebate cr@p." I like it that she is thinking of us all year long... and it's stuff that we can use, most of the time.

[MandaT]

We do not buy gifts for those who are over 18. DH & I don't exchange gifts, only cards. I like to make ornaments with the kids & that is what we give our relatives for gifts, along with a gift basket of homemade goodies (cookies/candies/snack mix).

The kids get a couple of things, nothing extravagent. We try to pick up the 1 thing they really, really want & have asked about all year long & at least 1 new outfit/shoes. Their big gift is under $50 & then fill in with little things that they'll end up 'needing' or would like to have that we wouldn't normally buy, maybe spending $100/kid.
We don't usually have extra money.

[newfiemountiewife]

DH and I always buy each other something nice for Christmas. We don't buy anything for our anniversary, we only go on date nights twice a year, so we feel like we deserve it LOL

[MissKim]

This is such an issue for us this year. Not so much within my own little family, but where it includes our extended families. My husband's siblings have a really bad habit of buying something expensive for their parents and then calling Dan and saying, "We need $50-100 per parent for their gift." I think that is so amazingly rude. In addition, the gifts aren't appropriate for my husband's parents.

My own parents are well-off, and they don't need anything. Not even sure they want anything. If they want something, they buy it. I have no idea, although I'm considering trying to get a grandkids picture and printing them a big canvas.

My sister's family... I just asked her to get us a gift card to a restaurant. My family loves to eat out, but with 2 teens and a preteen who eats like an adult, it's expensive. Even a $25 giftcard would be helpful. I told her not to even buy the kids anything, just get us all a gift card.

[Stacey42]

The kids get gifts but the adults get homemade goodies. This year we are giving homemade fudge & peppermint bark to all adults we see in person and either calendars or bookmarks to people who are long distance. My folks both have Kindles so they are getting Amazon gift cards.

DH & I's wants are usually big ticket things, like a new TV or a telephoto lens for my camera and they wait until tax refund time.

We have kid birthdays in Oct & Jan, DH's is Dec 31, our anniv is Nov 27. That is a lot of gift giving in a 4 month period of time so we keep it low key. 2-3 things at a birthday and 4-5 things at Xmas - usually a book, a movie, a game & whatever is tops on their wish list, plus stocking stuffers, like Pokemon cards or Star Wars action figures.

[jessica31876]

I thought this was only something my husband's family does!! My husband's brother sent his parents to the Bahamas one year for a combination anniversary/mothers day/fathers day present and expected everyone to chip in and got all offended when we said we could not afford to do it. My husband did give him some money even though we had already bought them gifts though. It made me really angry because our financial situations were way different from his brother/his wife and his brother knew that. Then when he gave them the gift he made it sound like it was all from him and his wife and never mentioned everyone pitched in to buy it for them :thumbdown:

My husband's siblings have a really bad habit of buying something expensive for their parents and then calling Dan and saying, "We need $50-100 per parent for their gift." I think that is so amazingly rude. In addition, the gifts aren't appropriate for my husband's parents.

[rach3975]

I'm with you. The holidays are about the kids for us, too. We only give them gifts at Hanukkah and birthdays, so it still means something. The grandparents give them gifts at most visits, but that means once every 2-3 months.

Grownups get one of the calendars that I make and something the kids make for them. (Well, sort of. One of our school fundraisers makes the kids' artwork into things like magnets and potholders, so we buy gifts through that.) My kids are the only grandkids/neices/nephews, so my family is very into them and appreciates gifts like this. When that changes, I'll just do calendars. My parents give us money, and DH and I use that to buy ourselves something. My brother sometimes give us small giftcards and my sister (who spends a lot more on things like clothes and purses than I do) will sometimes get me something nice just because and sometimes doesn't get us anything. Either way is fine. :)

DH and I exchange a small gift, like he might give me a $25 SSD gift card. The big things we want are usually electronics, and we have to pick them out ourselves not buy them as gifts. Our usual rule is that we have to save up for half from our personal money (birthday money, his work bonuses, etc) and then our joint money covers the other half.

[Nettio]

I LOVE giving gifts. LOVE. I get it from my mom. She calls herself the Head Elf and we all have to give her wishlists for her to send to Santa.

haha, my mom is like this too. We have to send her our lists so that Santa will know what to get us. :D

I love Christmas and I think the gift-giving and buying is part of the fun. My family is pretty small though and there are no kids so we do gifts for the parents and siblings and then each other. We don't do anything that expensive (like $50 or less). My parents usually get each of my sisters and I one more expensive item (like last year they got me a new GPS) along with smaller items.

We all send out wishlists for Christmas and birthdays which I think definitely helps because if you can't figure out anything at least you know for sure they'll like what's on the list. But a lot of the time when we're all home, we just go shopping together which makes it a lot more fun than just going alone. This year we aren't seeing any family at Christmas and I'm kind of sad to have to do all my shopping without them this year. It's definitely not as fun to shop online and just ship stuff to them.

[tjscraps]

I've never thought of it like that, but you're totally right. I do go out of my way to find 'unique' presents for people that they would never buy themselves but they like (ie a new camera strap for my mil photographer, and I got her a mug that looks like a zoom lens for Christmas, and bil I got a 'hot dog toaster' because he has hot dogs every day- stuff like that) .... but more and more I'm just buying gift cards because I have no idea what to get and have to get them SOMETHING.

Totally off topic, but have you ever taken a course in sociology? Based on your question I think you'd love it. I took a course on the sociology of consumerism when I was in Univ, and I loved it (Sociology was my major) - really gets you thinking about this type of thing that we do automatically as a society.

[tjscraps]

I forgot to add we're trying to make dd not think Christmas is all about the presents, too - we're not really religious, but we've seen my nephews (all 3 of them) get so many presents at Christmas that an hour after opening them they couldn't name what they got. So we decided she gets 1 gift from mommy & daddy, 1 from Santa, her stocking, a pair of PJ's and an outfit. That way if we're ever in a situation where we can't afford to buy 100's of presents for her she won't be expecting it.

[joelsgirl]

Totally off topic, but have you ever taken a course in sociology? Based on your question I think you'd love it. I took a course on the sociology of consumerism when I was in Univ, and I loved it (Sociology was my major) - really gets you thinking about this type of thing that we do automatically as a society.

No, I don't think I ever did, but that does sound like something I would enjoy. We live overseas, and I am totally fascinated by the different cultures in our area. I think living in another culture makes you examine your own culture more closely. Plus, I love Malcolm Gladwell's books; they make me think about the whys that cause things to happen.