Boy oh boy do I need HELP

[Valgal]

Ok, so you may know or have seen that I'm in the process of adopting a little 12 year old boy. His father died suddenly 3 weeks ago. The father was cremated and Jake, the boy, is going to have a portion of his ashes.

What the hell do I do with them?????? He shares a room with my son and I can not traumatize my own kid by putting an urn of ashes in his bedroom. I'm really stumped here. My dh and best-friend also don't know (gee, thanks a lot!). Anyone have any ideas?

[MissKim]

Rent a safe-deposit box and put them in there until he's an adult and has his own home?

[Valgal]

omg, I just had a thought... what do you think about this? What if I set up a little shelf on a wall in one of the living areas of my house (ie, NOT a bedroom) as a memorial spot? like, put the little urn there and a photo of his dad and such. Would that be good or bad for him to see on a daily basis?

[scrappinsweetie]

I think you need to talk to the child. he is twelve and old enough to have ideas. He has been traumatized already by the death. I am taking sociology of death and dying this semester (going into family life and marriage counseling) and we have talked extensively on the topic of cremation. I say talk to him first and see what his ideas are and then see if you can come up with an agreement between you and him. the kid is probably scared and has tons of worries already. (yes, i am making an assumption here, sorry). the other thing you may comprimise on is called death jewelry. it is jewelry that has a little place for some of the ashes to go. I personally, don't know if i could wear death jewelry, but it has been proven very helpful in healing for some people. just a thought.

[scrappinsweetie]

forgot to say with the jewelry, no one else would have to know that it is death jewelry. fact is a lot of people wear it and you don't even know it! so your kids wouldn't even have to know.

[Shawna Clingerman]

imho I can't imagine how it could be bad for him to have a place to honor and remember his father, atleast for a while. Maybe what you can do is give him a space and give him control over how much he does or doesn't want to put there (ie if he wants to see a photo of his dad regularly). I think honoring his feelings that way is a beautiful thing you could do for him.

<3

[scrap2day]

I was going to suggest talking to the boy also. Does he even want to "keep" them? Ashes can be buried at the cemetery.

[Leontine78]

Can you some of the ashes in a medalion? I don't know if it's a good word but it's like a neckless? Then he holds his dad close to his heart.

[Leah]

Maybe there is a special spot that him and his Dad shared and maybe he'd like to spread the ashes there?

Poor kid. I would talk to him and see how he feels. Bless you Val.

[mummytothree]

I agree talk to him! Also not sure if the funeral home did this or not but when my brother was killed last February they took his fingerprints and made a necklace for my mom and his daughter. It looks like this (kinda):

http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/public/c8vnAAtt6fy0741sT2DBLcjRtiiiFPMkz9oI8Wd4C1o76bQv06 g4Ih26owszZHF2Ty9xI0urhPbyJm7HrRUy1p-Ka14kCWmoNQJCaFTYSaiRw3mTY_gJTg2lIUjmjmBpfFwGO1WOt Ivb=s180

And then they engraved on the back. My nieces says "A touch of daddy" and my mom's says "A touch of Dutch (his nickname)".

It was fairly new for our funeral home since they didn't do it in May of 2008 when my first brother was killed but were doing it in Feb of 2010. Might be something to look into if he didn't want to wear the ashes in jewelry.

[Priscilla]

I say do NOT display it. No way. I was not super close to my MIL but when I open the cabinet and see her ashes it makes me want to cry. each time.

I agree. Talk to HIM.

[jessica31876]

My dad died when I was really little. My mom had him cremated and we had a little vase type thing my mom made which held his ashes. Growing up we all knew thats what it was and I think it did help some. I agree that talking to him about it would be helpful because he may have ideas on what he would like to do which you might not have considered doing.

[Leila]

Agreed, talk to him. Scope out how he's feeling about the situation. By virtue of him living with you/you planning to adopt him, I'm going to guess he wasn't too close to his father. That aside--this is HIS grief and he needs to take it wherever it may go. You're just there to keep it from going to a dangerous place. IDK if you recall, but JP (my now 11 year old) lost his father in 2008. His father was also cremated and JP absolutely refused to allow the ashes into the same building with him. He asks about them now and again, but still remains adamant that he doesn't want them. He even has trouble with the few small personal items of his dad's that we do keep here for him (a watch and a couple baseball hats); those are kept in our closet in a box. My son would flip out if we had a shelf with a photo of his dad/urn/stuff anywhere. Even nearly three years later, it's still a very raw emotion for him. (I should mention that JP and his dad were extremely close. Like I said above...I'm guessing this boy wasn't close to his father, but I could be wrong.)

[Julie Billingsley]

Oh that is so heartbreaking. :( Many hugs to him. 12 is just a hard time anyway and wow that would be just horrible to lose his dad. As for your question, have you considered putting the ashes in a inurnment niche at a cemetery? The ashes would be safe, would be able to be removed later in life if the child wishes, and would give him a "place" to go visit his father. I've had a family member's ashes put in an inurnment niche and it cost around $500. Different cemeteries offer different choices, but basically it's a shelf on a glass-covered bookshelf within the cemetery buildings. We were able to decorate the little area. We put a picture, her bible, little trinkets in there. It was honestly rather healing to do it.

[deepounds]

I definitely think you should talk to him about it, although at 12 he may say he doesn't want the ashes but may feel differently as he gets older. The jewelry several of the others mentioned is very attractive & tasteful . . . but I'm not sure how a 12 year old boy would feel about it. Anyway, I definitely think you should get his input . . . not only on what to do with the ashes, but just talking to you about his dad's death might be very beneficial for him. Good luck! :hugs:

[jacinda]

How about planting a new tree in your backyard and spreading the ashes under the tree? It's a memorial spot for the boy without being too 'in your face' for other family members.

[Valgal]

I do know that he wants to keep them because he specifically requested a portion of them. The rest is going to dad's brother. And I have thought about a jewelry type thing.

Thank you Priscilla & Leila for your opinions of not displaying it. I think you are totally right.

I was totally loving Jacinda's idea, till I remembered that we don't want to live here for much longer, lol! That would REALLY suck to have to leave dad's tree too soon.

We are both sitting down with a new therapist today, so I will make sure to bring it up. The first therapist we went to won't let me sit in OR tell me about anything they talk about. Damn HIPPA. This one is a whole family counselor, which is what we need since we're all dealing with this together.

Thank you for all your input. It is really VERY helpful!