what would you do?

[MamaBee]

A, who I thought was a good friend, heck she was my matron of honor at my wedding... is getting remarried at the end of July. We've known each other for 10 years... and she is the type of person that has a TON of friends and is very scattered... is horrible at keeping in touch... so in the last three years or so we just drifted apart... she went through a nasty divorce, which she never talk to me about - and I only would hear bits about from a mutual friend (who happens to be J's Godmother - but she is just as bad in seeing J or making time to get together... but apparently these two are thicker than thieves). I had left the company we worked for to stay home with my son... and they were always too busy to met up with us. I figured it was because of J - she wanted a second child in the worst way and it was one of the reasons for the divorce. So in the last 9 months, they were only able to free one hour out of their schedule to have lunch with me and J... they didn't even come to J's birthday party because she is just too busy. I always get the feeling from these two that they look down at me because I quit my career... and really, we don't have anything in common except for when i worked at KC.

Fast forward to last week... at the one hour lunch they so graciously made room their schedules for... she tells me that she is getting married... I was in shocked. I asked when the wedding was... which is the end of July. I knew by the look on her face that she was feeling guilty that she didn't tell me sooner... oh like when she got engaged months ago... nor did she even invite me to the wedding. She got real flustered and rambled on about new software at work that deletes contacts, blah blah blah... I haven't moved in 7 years, my email address hasn't changed in 4 years... our mutual friends know where I live... heck, she works with my uncle... he knows where to find me...

So today - a week after we have lunch... and invite comes in the mail... the respond by day was for two days ago... obviously the invites have been out for a while - she is a stickler for etiquette... so I feel like I'm on that B List - you know, where you wait to see who on the A list can't attend, then you put in the B List... I would have rather not been invited at all, at least I could have comforted myself with that it was a small wedding and had to cut it off somewhere...

I'm feeling very hurt that I wasn't important enough to be told she was engaged... and now a last minute invite... so, should I go to the wedding and put on a happy smile that everything is all grand... or just fade into the wood work and not go...

[scrap2day]

I know this is going to sound like a cop out answer but I would do what feels best to you. If you are going to feel too uncomfortable, don't go. If you want to go, then go.

Time and circumstance changes friendships. People get caught up in their own lives. Obviously she still got together for lunch with you now and she was once a close friend. So if you want to go, just go knowing that you were once super close and now your friendship might be different but you still wish her well. If you are super hurt by the changes then don't go subject yourself to more hurt.

If you decide not to go it's not a big deal because she invited you so late so maybe you already have plans. Personally, I would send at least a card and possibly a small gift (I like to give a dinner gift certificate for 2nd weddings if they already have all of their household stuff). That's just me, though.

ETA: I'm sorry for what happened. And definitely do not worry about anyone looking down on you for taking care of your son and being at home.

[taracotta7]

Would you be able to go and enjoy yourself? Or would you be steaming over how the last few years with this friend has been? I know you wouldn't make a scene or anything like that....I am talking about internally. Would you be able to set that aside and enjoy yourself or would you have to really work at that and get worn out by the effort?

If you would enjoy it.....GO. If it is more work than it is worth, don't go and do something fun with your family instead. That is just my two cents.

[farrijc]

That stinks! Do you want to go? If not, I'd skip it. It's not like she's going to call you up and ask why you weren't there, if she couldn't be bothered to tell you she was engaged in the first place! In your shoes, I doubt I would go. But, you should do what makes YOU comfortable.

[nun69]

I agree with Tara and maybe she really did let life get away from her and didn't intentionally mean to leave you guys out. I know I have 3 BEST friends. but now all their kids are grown and since I still have littl eones it really is hard for us to get together and we have been best friends for well over 6 years. So I don't know, I might be one to give her the benefit of the doubt :) but if you think it will be uncormfortable for you to really enjoy yourself, then I wouldn't go. But if you think you can set that aside and know that she may still be that friend, then go :)

[tanyiadeskins]

being brutally honest here... if it were me, I would be pissed and too full of pride to go. Now is that the right answer...prolly not lol. What a hard decision, have you tried calling and talking to her and just confiding in how you feel jilted. Maybe this is one where she just feels awful and doesn't know how to start to apologize or make it better?

[JulieB146]

From the sound of it, the lack of phone calls, emails (which are SO easy to write, c'mon), she's been dropping you, and was only shamed to invite you after she & your other friend let the cat out of the bag.

I'd send a nice card with regrets. If you don't go, no need to send a gift-she's not family, after all. Your regrets will let her off the hook, and you, too.

Like the other's said, go with your gut. If you think this is going to change anything, and you feel okay about it, then go. But she has been freezing you out.

[Paula]

Well, the snarky me would send a RSVP informing her that since the respond by date was two days before the invitation arrived that she already knows the answer.

But, I agree that you should go with your gut. If you really want to go, then go and have fun. But, if you don't think you'd be able to have a good time, then I would send my regrets and let it be.

I agree with Julie, it sounds like she's been dropping you for awhile, and if it were me, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who obviously thinks of me as an after thought.

[Darcy Baldwin]

To me, she obviously doesn't value the friendship enough to even tell you she was dating someone much less engaged to him. Time and circumstances change things, and we grow apart from many of our friends when we don't see them often.

Don't go if you think you'd be spending more energy upset about the invite. Just wish her well, and move on.

[kristijoy]

To me, she obviously doesn't value the friendship enough to even tell you she was dating someone much less engaged to him. Time and circumstances change things, and we grow apart from many of our friends when we don't see them often.

Don't go if you think you'd be spending more energy upset about the invite. Just wish her well, and move on.

I agree with Darcy. Time to let it go and move on.

[jessica31876]

I would probably just not go. Say you didnt have a sitter or you had already made plans for that day since it was so last minute and you couldnt cancel if she asks or mentions it in the future. Id probably send a congratulations card though with a small token gift card or something. Or even just a congrats card with no gift.

[Julie Billingsley]

well, it sounds like you two haven't been close in a while, but that doesn't mean you can't revive the friendship. If you want to revive it, I'd say make every effort to go to the wedding. Seems like her life was in turmoil and then in a whirlwind of getting married, so now that her life is settling down this could be a great time to rebuild that friendship if you want. Or perhaps she was just a "work friend" and there wasn't enough lasting friendship to keep it going. I have had lots of work friends that just drift away once them or I switch jobs. I'm sure it's not because they look down on you, but maybe because they are jealous of your ability to stay home or maybe because your worlds don't have enough in common anymore. I can also say that when I went through my divorce, I did not want to talk to my happily married friends... it just was hard. Now that she is in a happy place in her life, maybe you two can connect again. :) You are such a sweet person that I think any lack of friendship can only be blamed on bad timing or maybe her not knowing how to be a good friend. hugs!

[Leontine78]

I know how you feel.....
Personally I wouldn't go. It's so obvious she felt guilty after your lunch together and sent out an invitation afterall. It hurts to be second choice.

Would you feel great going and have a good time? If the answer is yes, then go. Otherwise, stay home with the people who really care about you.

[SeattleSheri]

Over the past few years have you been making effort to see her or expecting her to reach out to you? If it's the former and she simply hasn't had as much interest in your friendship, I may skip the wedding. If you both have lacked initiative in getting together, I'd probably just chalk the delayed wedding invite up to out of sight, out of mind. People sometimes legitimately forget to invite people (we forgot to send an invite to a family member, luckily they still came). Friendships are a lot work and sometimes it's hard when their dynamics change over time. Good luck with your decision!

[cardinalskate]

I'm sorry you're feeling so conflicted about this. I,personally, would find it hard to go, but I think Julie and Angie have great points. If you felt the friendship was worth salvaging, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe take this opportunity to re-kindle. But if you're going to be putting in all the effort, it may not be worth it.

Sometimes friends aren't very friendly, huh?

[MamaBee]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm still torn. I know we won't have a great time not because I will be fuming, but more because I try to think of who would be there... and since I left work, there has been huge turn over in personal, so I don't think I would know a lot of people. I know Salli, J's godmother, will be there... but apparently she is in the wedding, so she will be busy... and she has changed so much since I left work - she is one that makes me feel guilty about being a SAHM - I wish we didn't choose her to be Godmother - not like she does anything Godmother related... and The location of the wedding is over 2 hours away...

When it comes down to it... I don't think Ashley would even remember if I was there or not... she is just so scattered. I guess I am just realizing looking back that I was the only one that cared about our friendship... I'm a person who doesn't make friends easily and I guess I ignored the signs that I was more vested than she has ever been. Maybe once our children are older, our friendship will come back... but at this time, they are too much into their careers and their kid's soccer to care about me.

[SmallMoments]

Honestly, I wouldn't bother going. Especially since it's so far away and it was a last-minute invite. I'm in the "send a nice card and be on your way" group. I'm sorry that happened, Rebecca. :(

[Lyd]

Rebecca - I just gotta say that I totally feel for you. I'm pretty shy when people first meet me, and I went through a pretty long period in my life when I really didn't have any friends to speak of. As a result, the friendships that I make are really important to me, and I am fiercely loyal. And, there have been many, many times when I've had to realize that a particular friendship meant more to me than to the other person. It's hard. But, it does sound like this friendship is/has been on the wane, and it's probably time to let it go. If it were me, I'd probably wish her well with a card and a small gift, and move on.

Big HUGS sweetie!

[heathergw]

Rebecca - I just gotta say that I totally feel for you. I'm pretty shy when people first meet me, and I went through a pretty long period in my life when I really didn't have any friends to speak of. As a result, the friendships that I make are really important to me, and I am fiercely loyal. And, there have been many, many times when I've had to realize that a particular friendship meant more to me than to the other person. It's hard. But, it does sound like this friendship is/has been on the wane, and it's probably time to let it go. If it were me, I'd probably wish her well with a card and a small gift, and move on.

Big HUGS sweetie!

This!!!!

[Tracyfish]

This actually happened to my best friend and I when she got divorced around the same time I got pregnant. We just ended up having different lives and were going different ways in life. When she got remarried, I happened to see her out one day and she said "you can come if you want, but I figured since it's at the beach and you have a little one, you wouldn't want to be there anyway." At first I was pissed, hurt, disappointed...and then I realized, I didn't want to be there anyway. I ended up going to her reception that was held later in our town, but only stayed for a little while. I knew at that point we would be the "see each other in Walmart and say Hi" type of friends from now on and honestly I was fine with that.

[adrianka]

Rebecca - I just gotta say that I totally feel for you. I'm pretty shy when people first meet me, and I went through a pretty long period in my life when I really didn't have any friends to speak of. As a result, the friendships that I make are really important to me, and I am fiercely loyal. And, there have been many, many times when I've had to realize that a particular friendship meant more to me than to the other person. It's hard. But, it does sound like this friendship is/has been on the wane, and it's probably time to let it go. If it were me, I'd probably wish her well with a card and a small gift, and move on.

Big HUGS sweetie!

Couldn't have said it better... It's taken me years to grasp the fact that some friends are there only for a while... It doesn't even mean it wasn't a good friendship, but people change and can drift apart as a result. Happens all the time. If you don't feel like reconnecting, just send her a card and let go.

[adrianka]

I guess I am just realizing looking back that I was the only one that cared about our friendship... I'm a person who doesn't make friends easily and I guess I ignored the signs that I was more vested than she has ever been. Maybe once our children are older, our friendship will come back... but at this time, they are too much into their careers and their kid's soccer to care about me.

It's so strange to let you feel guilty about being a SAHM! It's something I can't get even though I'm not a mother at all. It's an unwritten law here (meaning Slovakia rather than Luxembourg) that the longer you stay with your kid at home, the better. Well, at least for the first 3 years. Not everybody does it and not everybody can afford it, but still I think that's the general view. But I'm not a mother and I have no idea - maybe they do get the pressure here as well. I have a friend who's been on maternity leave for the past 9 years and while it's something I wouldn't do, I think it's great for her and her family that she is willing and able to do it. It never had any impact on our friendship either.

*hugs*

[MommaTrish]

As someone who started having kids long before my friends I completely understand the whole gradually fading of friendships with friends who don't have friends. Doesn't mean I like it, but I'm used to it by now. Now that some of them are starting to have kids they've been trying to pick back up the friendship, but honestly, I have no desire to. Since I was always busy with my kids and they were off busy with their kid-free lives even the ones who didn't necessarily want to end the friendships gradually drifted off. So I know from experience it often does lead to out of site, out of mind.
In all honesty, I wouldn't go. Not because I was angry or anything like that, just because I would feel like I was just being invited out of guilt. (I've been in similar situations many times over the past few years as my friends are approaching the stage of getting married)

[nun69]

after reading your 2nd comment, I have to agree with Lydia...sorry to hear about this though~

[AmberK]

Man- Lydia you hit the nail on the head with this post. I know it sucks when people who at one time in your life were so important to you and then the friendship just fades off because of changes in your/their life. It happened to me after my twins were born, then Colin died, and I quit work all at the same time. That even affected my relationship with my brother and SIL and to this day we still are not at the same level that we used to be before all of that happened in my life. I do still try to make the effort with them because we are family but I dont with my other "used to be friends" relationships. It hurts very badly but I just have to tell myself that people were in my life at that time for a particular reason and be grateful for what I did have. Its very hard to look at it that way but there really isnt anything I can do to change it.

I would just decline the invitation and leave it at that. I wouldnt even send a congrats card. Its not out of spite but just out of indifference. My BEST friend from highschool just sent me a baby announcement- im happy for her but Im not going to send a card or gift because we are now just acquaintainces. Well, she is on my christmas card list so maybe more than acquaintances. :p

Rebecca - I just gotta say that I totally feel for you. I'm pretty shy when people first meet me, and I went through a pretty long period in my life when I really didn't have any friends to speak of. As a result, the friendships that I make are really important to me, and I am fiercely loyal. And, there have been many, many times when I've had to realize that a particular friendship meant more to me than to the other person. It's hard. But, it does sound like this friendship is/has been on the wane, and it's probably time to let it go. If it were me, I'd probably wish her well with a card and a small gift, and move on.

Big HUGS sweetie!