Spinoff: Social Media & Kids

[Robin Carlton]

Kristin's RQOTD from yesterday is a super interesting read and several of the responses made me wonder...

Do you let your kids participate in today's slew of social media options? If so, how old are your kids and what made you decide to let them get involved? Do they have limitations? I'm super curious about this.

R

[MommaTrish]

No social media stuff here, but then they're only 9 (next month), 7, 4, and 1.

[Robin Carlton]

I'll answer myself.

I dont participate in social media on a personal level, so I dont let my kids have social media accounts either.

Katie is in middle school and her friends are talking about FB, IG, Snapchat, etc. but I've told her that I just dont want to see her get involved in it. We've had long talks about the fact that I think it's a waste of time and just opens her up to drama and pettyness and she agrees.

She likes minecraft and dr who, but I find that infinitely cooler than her having hundreds of not so friendly friends on facebook : /

[misfitinmn]

My kids are way too little to even think about it right now, honestly, it'll be interesting to see how things evolve when it gets to the point when they are at an age when their friends start getting accounts and stuff. It'll be a whole different world by then, I'm sure. Which is why I haven't even given it much thought yet.

[KristinCB]

Lily is 10 and a BIG no to facebook. Almost all of her friends have a FB account but it is a big no for me. How I wish I could go back to the days without caring so much about silly stuff like social media.

[Robin Carlton]

Well, I'll never forget this, just as Katie was starting her 6th grade year, she had a slumber party with 4 friends (she's a summer birthday too) and I remember coming out in the morning to check on the girls and Katie was playing a game with one of the girls and the other 3 were logged into a facebook account and they were talking about how so and so had unfriended them and that they were going to do the same back to her and that blah blah blah and it was at that moment I was like, yeah, no. These girls were 11ish which made me friggin crazy!

So that's when Katie and I started talking about social media openly because the peer pressure to get involved is there, and not only is she not interested in that kind of nonsense, but she also realized how ugly it made her friends look.

[Traci Reed]

On one hand, I don't care for the drama/bullying of kids and social media. On the other, it's one of those things where, if your 16 year old doesn't have a FB, it's a possibility to open them up to other sorts of bullying.

PLUS they'll just get it with or without your permission if they want it (my nephew opened one and blocked us all so that we couldn't see it) and then if you don't know they have it, it won't cross your mind to educate them on the dangers/etiquette of social media.

I guess I'm a parent who doesn't like to "shelter" my kids from the realities of life, but rather walk them through it and educate them on the dangers that go with it so that they're informed and armed.

[MommaTrish]

Zach's never even mentioned it other than asking once why we wouldn't enable the social features on some of his games he plays online or on the Wii. As far as I know only his best friend is on FB but he's also three years older than Zach is.

[Robin Carlton]

I dont think it's sheltering as much as I think it's taking a stand against something that I think is pointless and not good for our kids. I just dont think your friends need to know where you went to lunch or who you got drunk with this weekend or even on a more basic level how many friends you can rack up in your friends list.

You can arm your kids with knowledge about these things without letting them participate in it and I dont believe every kid is going to sneak around and do it anyway.

[Julie Billingsley]

Logan is 10 and hasn't even asked for a facebook account. I don't think it's even occurred to him that he could have one. He has seen me play the facebook games, and has asked to play them on my account, but that is the closest he has been to facebook.

[nun69]

well my kids are 20, 12, 7 and almost 6......the only social media they are exposed to is some funny videos we watch of animals or people on you tube (with us) and they also play minecraft as well.....my 20 y/o does have a FB account and has had one for several years, but she was part of the generation that kinda promoted FB and she knows all about the drama......my 12 y/o has internet access but all he does is play games and he reads Yahoo news.....other than that everything is pretty much blocked on his computer...I suspect maybe by the time he is in 8th grade I will let him get a FB page, but he just isn't in to it now even though he has mentioned that some of his friends have FB....I will just play it by ear.....

but my kids do like to look at other family and friends pictures on FB so that is alot of fun for them to do with me to flip through things and see them.....just to stay connected since our families are so spread apart....

[nun69]

I do agree with you Robin on the fact that people don't neccessairly need to know where you are, what you did over the weekend and where you are having lunch (I don't post any of that), but I do like to share pictures with family, how my kids are growing and I have gotten alot of great advice recently with Peyton being diagnosed with Asperger's that I don't think I would have gotten anywhere else. I use it more as a resource and a life line to friends and family that are near and far.....plus I really love seeing Laura's kids and all there funny quotes, Traci's little Finn "swimming", Ma's kids growing up, some of Tara-Laura-Traci conversation are just hilarious, etc....so for me it is really just an outlet, kind of like scrapbooking....

[Traci Reed]

I don't think that all kids are going to go behind your back, but I do think that teens are wilier than we want to believe and my nephew was one of those kids we thought would always be a straight arrow. If it becomes an issue between me and my kids, I've seen it happen.

[Robin Carlton]

I do agree with you Robin on the fact that people don't neccessairly need to know where you are, what you did over the weekend and where you are having lunch (I don't post any of that), but I do like to share pictures with family, how my kids are growing and I have gotten alot of great advice recently with Peyton being diagnosed with Asperger's that I don't think I would have gotten anywhere else. I use it more as a resource and a life line to friends and family that are near and far.....plus I really love seeing Laura's kids and all there funny quotes, Traci's little Finn "swimming", Ma's kids growing up, some of Tara-Laura-Traci conversation are just hilarious, etc....so for me it is really just an outlet, kind of like scrapbooking....

I agree that there is a lot of potential for good things Angie, but you're an adult which is entirely different than putting FB in the hands of a middle-schooler kwim? That's the distinction for me.

[Milmomma]

I guess we are totally not the norm. (8 &6 yr olds) We don't have tv service so the kids can't watch news or hear about things that way. They only hear what I tell them. They do not have FB, twitter, instagram or anything like that. However they have iMessage on their iPods and use my iPad to Facetime. Being away from family that is how they communicate with everyone including their father. Is that social media? They don't talk to other kids or anything that way. My husband has no issues with them having a FB account or anything like that but I just don't see the need when they are this young. I don't have a certain age when I think they will be ready. For me we go off their maturity level. I am on most social media sites as I use them to connect to family and friends. I can't just drive to my momma's house like most people can. (Well I can right now but it takes a day) FB provides a way for me to leave updates/photos on what's going on in our lives for all our family and friends to check out without having to write letters/mail photographs to each. To me it makes sense for my life.

[Milmomma]

I agree that there is a lot of potential for good things Angie, but you're an adult which is entirely different than putting FB in the hands of a middle-schooler kwim? That's the distinction for me.

I think untill the kids get old enough it is okay for the parents to leave updates for family and friends. I know FB has a guideline of what 13? 16? to make an account?

[nun69]

yes I do agree Robin....my daughter didn't have hers until I think she was a sophmore in high school and even then, didn't really use it.....I would say by the time she was a junior/senior (2009 and because we actually moved away from town even though she stayed in school there) it was a great way for her to keep up with her friends and school things then.....but until my other kids really ask about it and I think they are mature enough to handle it, then I will play it by ear....my oldest was very mature, pretty young and she takes things with stride (like I do), but my son (12) takes alot of things to heart and I think he really could get hurt on something like FB because I don't think (even though he is brillant and very smart) he has the social aspect on how to interpret some things and I believe he could be one of those kids that could get bullied online.....

and BTW the rule is....if you have a FB account and live in my house YOUR DAD & I will be your friends and you will NOT Block us or we will disconnect your internet access :) and I don't really snope on her page or anything like that, but I do want to watch out for her even though she is an adult now :)

[MommaTrish]

As for kids just not allowed one - every teenage friend my siblings have have a FB account, even the ones that we know aren't supposed to. One boy (younger brother's friend) was like the most uptight-nerdy-stuck up Christian type ever, NOT allowed on FB. He was homeschooled, went to every type of church thing possible, not allowed to watch tv or listen to anything other than Christian radio stations. And dude seemed to like and be happy with all that. My brother was looking at something on FB one day and saw his friend's name in a comment for some band or something and he clicked the name and it took him to the boy's FB profile. On it he said he was a bisexual atheist who hated his family and was looking for some meaningless hook-ups. My brother called us all over and we were all :blink:

[Sarah8914]

I dont think it's sheltering as much as I think it's taking a stand against something that I think is pointless and not good for our kids. I just dont think your friends need to know where you went to lunch or who you got drunk with this weekend or even on a more basic level how many friends you can rack up in your friends list.

You can arm your kids with knowledge about these things without letting them participate in it and I dont believe every kid is going to sneak around and do it anyway.

I 100% agree with this.... in regards to so so so so many things!! I personally feel like so many parents don't teach their kids enough or have set guidelines because they assume they're break them!

I do have facebook for myself, but sometimes wish I didn't. I have a friend who refuses to and everyone knows that so she actually communicates SO much more with everyone personally because they want her to know! My oldest is only 8 and probably doesn't even know what facebook is. I have no plans for any of them getting an account.

[emmasmommy]

mine are too little to worry about it yet, but when/if they do get an account, it will be very heavily monitored.

[Traci Reed]

As for kids just not allowed one - every teenage friend my siblings have have a FB account, even the ones that we know aren't supposed to. One boy (younger brother's friend) was like the most uptight-nerdy-stuck up Christian type ever, NOT allowed on FB. He was homeschooled, went to every type of church thing possible, not allowed to watch tv or listen to anything other than Christian radio stations. And dude seemed to like and be happy with all that. My brother was looking at something on FB one day and saw his friend's name in a comment for some band or something and he clicked the name and it took him to the boy's FB profile. On it he said he was a bisexual atheist who hated his family and was looking for some meaningless hook-ups. My brother called us all over and we were all :blink:

This made me LOL

[SmallMoments]

Luke is 9. He has a Facebook account. HOWEVER... he only got one because he loved playing CityVille and I was sick of him playing thru my account and asking all of my friends for help. That said, he isn't into CityVille anymore and he's never on FB anymore. His settings are the tightest you can get them. The only people he's friends with are family members (minus my whacko brother in law) and super close family friends- all adults. I will not allow him to friend kids.

When he's 13, we'll think about it again. I think it may be a little less catty when it comes to boys, though. And he's open enough he'll let us know if someone is cyber-bullying him if/when it happens. That said I can totally see it not being a huge deal to him at all if he even uses his FB account.

AND we will have/know all passwords and be checking in on a very regular basis.

Guess I'm the odd one out. LOL

[Keely~B]

My oldest daughter does have a Facebook account, she's almost 15 and has had it for about a year. It's heavily monitored, I have the password and she's not to friend anyone that she doesn't know personally, she's to unfriend anyone that posts in a manner that we'd deem unacceptable. We have had countless discussions about the ramifications, responsibilities and expectations that go along with social media. There haven't really been any issues. Any mean girl episodes she's had to deal with have occurred in real life, not through the web. My youngest is only ten and there's no way I'd let her have an account a.) until it's legal b.) until we deem her responsible and ready. She hasn't asked though either.

[julifish]

Well I"m definitely the odd girl out! Both my kids have FB accounts. My 10 yo has one that is heavily locked down. She's only friends we me, DH, my mom and my step-dad. I won't even let her be friends with any of my husband's cousins because they talk way too much about drinking and partying. She only uses it to play FB games and we have fun challenging each other to see who will win. As she goes in to middle school in the Fall I will let her be friends with a few close friends, but she has to use it when she's in the Family Room where we can see her AND I have to have the password and be able to check it at any time. We talk alot about how things you put on the internet you can never get back and they can hurt people.

Now with my 14 yo she's been on Facebook since she was 12 and started Middle School. She also has Instagram and her own laptop. All are monitored by not only my husband and I, but she is also required to be friends with her grandparents and several of my college friends. Let me tell you - they keep a pretty watchful eye on her! Honestly in the last year she has not been using FB at all. She does keep in touch with kids she's met on vacation and at summer camp.

We did have a scary situation a few weeks ago when another parent called me to tell me her kid was on a chat site and that my 14 yo is the one that showed it to her. My husband has all chat sites blocked from her laptop and monitors where she goes on the web on a regular basis. I was soooo mad!!! Well turns out there is an Instagram chat site that gets around the chat filter and she was able to get to it. So when we talked about how someone could chat with her one there and be creepy she said well we just disconnect if someone is weird. I said, yeah but what if they took a screen shot of your face and then look on one of your friends unlocked FB accounts and find out where you go to school? Then they can find out where you live, etc. Well that totally freaked her out! She has left her laptop downstairs and hasn't used it since. So I think it's really all about teaching them the dangers and talking about it often and I believe letting her have some freedom will teach her responsibility too.

[rach3975]

My oldest is 9, so we haven't had to deal with it yet. My kids will probably be among the last of their friends allowed to get them, but eventually I'll feel like they're old enough and responsible enough to have an account as long as I'm a friend and have full access to what they're posting.

The world our kids are growing up in depends heavily on social media. Doesn't mean I like it, but I'd rather teach them to use it responsibly than have them make some big mistakes on their own, whether it's at 14 if they sneak an account or at 18 when they go to college and no longer need my permission. I recently attended a job search webinar for people returning to the workforce put on by my former college's career counseling office, and more than 50% of it was on how essential it is to use sites like LinkedIn to network. I can only imagine how much more true that will be by the time my kids are grown.

[Darcy Baldwin]

Well, my nerdy Christian homeschooled boy is allowed to have a very limited Facebook account, and he doesn't even care that he has it. We allow a close group of friends and family on it, and nothing more. He has a group of online friends from a game they play on together. We look a it as training for how to handle the world when it's not just like you, and to have the ability to make decisions about what is acceptable in your life and what isn't. But he couldn't care less about the account. We use it to send each other nerdy sci-fi memes.

He just wants a phone, which he isn't going to get unless he's willing to pay for it out of his allowance.

[staciahall]

Well, I'm feelin' kind of lucky here. My kids are 21 and 19. My daughter had an account at MySpace back in the beginning and I had all kinds of rules about friendship, what could be said, what might happen, etc. I also checked her account regularly. So when FB came around she was a pro, knew the rules and understood what not to do. I obviously have no say over any of that now with her but she is a pretty savvy individual. I think those early lessons were helpful. I am glad that was pretty much before the cyber bullying that goes on nowadays.

My son uses FB but only occasionally. He seems to be making pretty good choices about what he posts about himself and the friends he keeps there.

[maryinaz]

My 2 oldest, of course, have FB accounts (18 and 21). My 18 yo is very social and FB is actually really "out" to his peer group - they are into Twitter and Instagram. I am friends with him on FB and he's had it since he was a freshman in HS. We've had some teaching moments through it.

I've looked at his Twitter, but he follows and is followed by coaches, teachers, mentors, so I'm not that worried about him putting up something inappropriate. My 21 yo is not that social and didn't get FB until he graduated from high school 3 years ago. He rarely posts on it.

My 14 year olds don't have FB. Their friends do. And I have told them they are free to have an account if they want. They know I'd have to be their friend. They just are not interested right now. It may change over the summer though and at least by next school year since they are entering HS.

My boys have always been allowed to have computers in their rooms (I monitor).

[lovely1m]

My son is only 6, so no worries yet. He isn't even allowed on the internet. When I do allow him to have one, I will have his password.

[marnel]

My ds 10 has a Facebook that I have the pw for.
Instead of calling his friends he'll chat with em and ask them to log on to minecraft & play games. That's his main use for it.
He is restricted to an hour a day no more no matter what bc he was getting out of hand.
I also keep a pw on the family comp that only 3 of us adults know so it helps restrict usage and I check the history.
My 9 yo dd wants one but I said no if she wants to play games go on my account or another game account. Girls are more catty, love to gossip and share sometmies way to much my dd doesn't have a filter.
My other dd's are old enough to do what they want with social media. They are a great help in educating my kiddos and supporting my decisions when it comes to who can have what & why.
I will admit that we are biased btwn the girls & the boys. It' works for us in certain cirumstances. Don't judge me :O

[lingovise]

all of my boys are too little to care... 7, 4 & 22 months. but since i won't be allowing them to drive, date or be out after dark [without parental supervision] till they're 21, it's safe to assume that social media will also be strictly prohibited.

[mrshobbes]

I'm fascinated by the difference in ages and social media restrictions. I don't have kids and I cannot fathom how I'd even begin to monitor such activities. I will agree that it's definitely a case to case basis on what kind of personality and environment children have, and happy to read how seriously everyone takes social media's impact on the kids.

I am on YouTube a lot with all my Kpop watching, and it's safe to assume that the average age of people commenting on those videos are 13 and up. I'm appalled that many tweens and teens regularly drop the F-bomb and other derogatory remarks, or make sexually suggestive comments because they think it sounds cool. :/


Side note: As for myself, I do remember only getting an email address when I was a college senior. And not getting a beeper until I was in college :p

[jacinda]

I'm surprised so many young kids have their own facebook accounts. The facebook 'rules' state:

Facebook requires everyone to be at least 13 years old before they can create an account (in some jurisdictions, this age limit may be higher). Creating an account with false info is a violation of our terms. This includes accounts registered on the behalf of someone under 13.

My girls are 9 and 7, and aren't allowed on any social networking sites yet. They can play kids games on certain kid friendly/parent approved sites, but facebook is a big no for now.

[joelsgirl]

Robin, I think your attitude works in your family because it's true to you. Most of us couldn't go a whole day without checking in to social media without getting all twitchy and stuff.

So on that note, I'm going to admit that when the time comes, I'm gonna let my kids have a FB or IG or whatever account. I hope we'll be diligent about keeping their hearts in check, as well as their actions, but it's only gonna work if *we* are keeping *our* heart attitudes in check as well.

[bexy]

well given that i don't have a FB account myself, and my kids are all still super young - 7,5, and 2 it's not exactly on my mind right now. but i will say that i'm impressed by how well you all are looking after your kids, no matter which way you go on the issue.

[KateD]

I'm surprised so many young kids have their own facebook accounts. The facebook 'rules' state:

Facebook requires everyone to be at least 13 years old before they can create an account (in some jurisdictions, this age limit may be higher). Creating an account with false info is a violation of our terms. This includes accounts registered on the behalf of someone under 13.


Me, too, Jacinda. Many of my 14-year-old's friends (and some of my 12-year old's friends) have accounts and have for a few years. Many of them have their own smartphones, too :blink:. My son does have an iPod touch and a hand-me-down laptop and blackberry (with the web disabled because I'm too cheap to pay for it :) ). The rule in our house is that they definitely won't have a FB account until they're 13 and it's legal and then we'll talk about it and decide.

Well, my pretty responsible older son lied when he was 13 and signed up for a g-mail and FB account. The accounts were disabled until he turned 13-1/2. When I turned it back on we had a big discussion about the rules, etc. He didn't seem to care too much about having an account again, nor was he very active on it. I found out about 2 weeks ago that he had signed up for another e-mail and FB account, probably before he turned 13. Sigh. That explained the lack of activity on his old account. I've looked at his new account and he's been pretty responsible with it. He doesn't have a crazy amount of friends and even started a FB group for his Christian friends to chat about things. (He does now see the irony about using a FB account he lied and disobeyed to get to chat about being a Christ-follower).

I'm not going to ban him from social media, but we do talk about its proper use. I also have his passwords and he knows that I could look at his account at any time.

I am looking into options for filtering/monitoring services. My ISP has one available that I can set up with my kids' social media accounts and log into one place to see what they're doing with their accounts. I think I can also block certain YouTube videos and things that I don't want them seeing. I don't really want to monitor, but I know it's a good idea.

[Robin Carlton]

Robin, I think your attitude works in your family because it's true to you. Most of us couldn't go a whole day without checking in to social media without getting all twitchy and stuff.

I'm sure this is true Kellie! I'm admittedly a bit of a FB hater, you can ask the designers lol. To get our SSD FB page more active was like pulling teeth from me. Traci has done an awesome job in that department around here, and I'm really grateful to have someone who "gets it" running that for us!

Getting involved in social media is just really hard for me because I feel like I'm not being true to myself and who I am in general to post or check in or obsess over asking people to look at this or that all the time, and that's not a soapboxy stance at all. More power to you if you love it, it's more of a wallflower, I just don't get it kind of thing if that makes sense.

Really interesting convo guys! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

[misfitinmn]

Robin, I think your attitude works in your family because it's true to you. Most of us couldn't go a whole day without checking in to social media without getting all twitchy and stuff.

So on that note, I'm going to admit that when the time comes, I'm gonna let my kids have a FB or IG or whatever account. I hope we'll be diligent about keeping their hearts in check, as well as their actions, but it's only gonna work if *we* are keeping *our* heart attitudes in check as well.

I like this. :thumbup:

[MommaTrish]

I can add - my kids won't be on Instagram, because if *I* don't get a smart phone they sure as heck aren't either.

[Stacey42]

My boys are 9 & 10 and on Minecraft & restricted You Tube accounts based on gmail accounts I set up though my word press account. They have no way to read any email on their laptop & all of it comes to my Outlook. I was surprised to learn how social Minecraft actually is. They learned about the Newtown school shootings that way while DH & I were in the kitchen discussing how to tell them. :( They have a core group on real life & online friends they play with Minecraft and chat with in You Tube comments of Minecraft videos. The laptop is in the living room. I'm helped in monitoring them in that the wifi signal doesn't reach their bedroom. It only reaches the living room & kitchen so any online stuff they do has to be wherever I can walk by and read over their shoulders, which I do randomly & they are so used to it they don't seem to notice any more. (though I get testy when anyone reads over mine :))

I've spent a lot of time talking to the boys about privacy online & not giving out any personal information to anyone. They are Havoc & Mayhem online, period, and no one who is not a personal friend they see in real life needs to know their real names or where they live. The end. They get it. No one knows my real name online either, my Facebook account is only part of my name. I've been drumming that into their heads for 2 years now. They like having aliases. But sooner or later they will want Facebook or whatever is the Facebook in 3-4 years & we're talking about that now with them because that is a 'real name' situation. They won't get one before they are at least 13 & hopefully by then we'll have discussed it enough they'll understand the rules & expectations & oversight.

[rach3975]

Getting involved in social media is just really hard for me because I feel like I'm not being true to myself and who I am in general to post or check in or obsess over asking people to look at this or that all the time, and that's not a soapboxy stance at all. More power to you if you love it, it's more of a wallflower, I just don't get it kind of thing if that makes sense.

I'm a lot like that, too. I have a FB account, but I go weeks or months without posting anything to it. It's partly because I'm busy with other things when I'm online and partly because I don't feel like I have much I want to share with the world. But the majority of friends that I have on FB are former high school and college friends that I'd have lost touch with entirely if not for FB, and there are a few of them that I'm glad it has kept me in touch with.

[DawnMarch]

So far, I've told my 12 year old that she can't have a FB account because you have to be at least 13. When she turns 13 next month, I guess we'll look at it again.

I don't think that all social media is created equal, though. Like I find Instagram less objectionable than FB because I feel like FB is sneaky and keeps hurling stuff at you that you never asked for about people that you don't know, just because they are somehow peripherally related to someone or something you know. I am friends with my teenage nephews so I sometimes see crude or inappropriate teen-boy-type comments that their friends leave on their FB. I think "meh, they're just being teeanage boys," so I really don't care personally, but would I want my 13 year old DD seeing that? Nope.

So, it will probably be a site by site decision. Facebook maybe not. Instagram maybe so.