Serious question right here..

[KristinCB]

How do you become more selfless?

As a mom this is I believe my biggest struggle..

[Valgal]

Well, I'm a Jesus-follower so I often go to him and say, "Lord, help me see that this not all about me." Also, remaining aware of other people's incredible value keeps me in a mindset that allows me to lay down my life, time, day for them.

Since I've been talking about Jake the last couple days, when we first got him my life went into a big crap-storm. I mean, there was NO room in my day for selfishness and I would literally wake up in the morning, sit on the edge of my bed and say, "Well, Jesus, what do you want to do today?" Then it wasn't about me, but about what he wanted us to do together.

[Valgal]

But it's still in human nature to focus on myself a lot. I've found it's insanely freeing when I'm not focusing on myself though.

[KristinCB]

that's actually really good advice <3

i'm a workaholic - while i LOVE LOVE LOVE what i do.. it totally 100% consumes me a lot of the time and I don't know how to turn it off..

[bexy]

I try to remind myself everyday that my kids are never going to remember what crap I buy them from stores or what shows I let them watch. They're going to remember the time I gave them. My youngest was begging me to play with her yesterday, but I didn't want to stop what I was doing...then by the 50th time she asked I caved and abandoned what I thought was important to spend time with her. And it was amazing!!! I felt like such a jerk that it took me so long to give her just 30 minutes of my time.
Before we put the kids to bed each night we all have to say one thing we're grateful for and last night Charlotte said that she was thankful that Mommy played with her today.
It wasn't easy to stop what I wanted to be doing - but SO worth it. Selflessness is hard because we naturally put our wants first - I think it's just one of things that we have to actually focus on. No one is selfless without meaning to be - it's work man!!

[Valgal]

I try to remind myself everyday that my kids are never going to remember what crap I buy them from stores or what shows I let them watch. They're going to remember the time I gave them. My youngest was begging me to play with her yesterday, but I didn't want to stop what I was doing...then by the 50th time she asked I caved and abandoned what I thought was important to spend time with her. And it was amazing!!! I felt like such a jerk that it took me so long to give her just 30 minutes of my time.
Before we put the kids to bed each night we all have to say one thing we're grateful for and last night Charlotte said that she was thankful that Mommy played with her today.
It wasn't easy to stop what I wanted to be doing - but SO worth it. Selflessness is hard because we naturally put our wants first - I think it's just one of things that we have to actually focus on. No one is selfless without meaning to be - it's work man!!

One of the phrases from when my dd was little that made me cringe AND feel like a jerk at the same time was, "Will you play?" OMG, she asked non-stop ALL THE TIME. I felt like a crap ball because I almost never wanted to, even though she was the joy of my life. Now that she's 13 and asks if I want to hang I jump at the chance.

[OrianaVianey]

How do you become more selfless?
Don´t
I believe that when you are fullfilled as a person you can be spiritual strong to open yourself to others

[glumirk]

I'm having trouble with this concept because I've been sooo selfless that I've stopped caring about myself, and my oxygen mask isn't on so I've been suffocating. Reaching that whole "balance" thing is hard.

[LeeAndra]

Planning time for 'selfishness' into my day really helps me to attempt to be selfless. I'm a super big introvert + HSP + just not a baby/toddler person so being a temporary SAHM for an 18 month old is a gigantic struggle for me. Ugh. I feel so overwhelmed with his loud messy neediness after a few hours that my brain starts to panic and wants to go watch TV, text, or scrap/be on the computer.

We drive around a few times a week (in addition to taking his sister back and forth to school) because then he is strapped in the car and I can relax a little and listen to music. These are not long trips -- 15 or 20 minutes -- but it gives me just enough of a break from him crawling all over me to be able to refocus. Sometimes he gets a bath during the day for the same reason.

He still takes a nap every day so while he is napping, I do not-fun things like chores, checking emails, paying bills, job searching, etc. If I have time left over (or it's been a really rough day), I will allow myself to quasi-scrap like going through photos or matching up kits with photos I want to scrap but most of the time, I don't. Usually, I just need the chance to sit down and rest in the quiet to feel better. I avoid napping at the same time unless I'm sick as then I don't get the mental downtime, and everyone pays for it later.

This means that once the kids go to bed, the time is ALL MINE. I can spend a good 2-3 hours doing what I want to do because I've already gotten the other things done during the day. The little chunks of time during the day are okay for getting through, but I really need this big chunk of time every night in order to be able to really wind down and be ready to face another day.

I know that these aspects of my personality make it harder for me to be a good mom but as long as I acknowledge them and work with them, I feel like I can still be one.

[KristinCB]

ha.. yes to both HSP and introvert.. it makes me feel like a failure as a mom honestly.

Lucas loves video games.. I honestly get nauseous playing video games now, I don't know what it is but obviously something with the stimulation.

[Valgal]

I don't think 'selfless' means being a doormat or exhausting yourself trying to make other people happy. It could be that the word has a slightly different connotation for people. If it's making you feel like crap, and not bringing you joy, then something is out of balance for sure.

[bexy]

I don't think 'selfless' means being a doormat or exhausting yourself trying to make other people happy. It could be that the word has a slightly different connotation for people. If it's making you feel like crap, and not bringing you joy, then something is out of balance for sure.

^^^ This for sure

[KristinCB]

I just truly want to be a better mom/wife..

[Lyd]

Someone recently said to me . . . "Your kids don't fulfill your needs, and that's okay." I do the best I can, and I'm learning to stop feeling guilty about the parts that aren't perfect. I expect that I'm going to relate to my kids better when they are teenagers . . . it's just my personality . . . I've never been drawn to little kids. I love them and I spend time with them, but I need my space from them too. They don't fulfill my needs, and that's okay.

[Libby Pritchett]

Lyd, I could've written your post word for word! As much as I love my Chloe (3), I'm just not great with little kids. I'm much much closer to my oldest daughter Kendra (17) now than I was when she was Chloe's age. Doesn't mean I love her more, but I can definitely relate to her on a whole different level. And yes, I definitely need a break from Chloe. I love her, and I spend time with her and do things with her. But don't think I don't rejoice when bedtime rolls around. LOL

[Lyd]

Libby . . . my soul sister. :wub:


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[Valgal]

I was seeing a therapist a few years ago and struggling with feeling like I wasn't 'doing enough' or 'being good enough' of a mom. He said that kids who are the center of their mom's universe generally end up with entitlement issues. He said that they were demanding more and more from me because they were used to getting TOO MUCH in the past. And also, that if I make my whole life about them that I was going to have a heck of a hard time after they move out and don't 'need' me anymore.

[Lyd]

I was seeing a therapist a few years ago and struggling with feeling like I wasn't 'doing enough' or 'being good enough' of a mom. He said that kids who are the center of their mom's universe generally end up with entitlement issues. He said that they were demanding more and more from me because they were used to getting TOO MUCH in the past. And also, that if I make my whole life about them that I was going to have a heck of a hard time after they move out and don't 'need' me anymore.

Well imagine that! It was my therapist that told me that it's okay that my kids don't fill my needs. And, she said a similar thing . . . that in the long run, it's better for the kids that they aren't the center of my universe. Realizing that has helped me a lot. Even though I never made them the center of my universe, I always kind of felt guilty about that, and now I see that I don't need to feel guilty about it.

[KristinCB]

this is all so helpful to me!

My youngest.. he DOES have entitlement issues but I don't make him the center of my universe.. I just think i'm a lousy parent for him :/ that's another thread though.. lol

[mariewilcox]

Well imagine that! It was my therapist that told me that it's okay that my kids don't fill my needs. And, she said a similar thing . . . that in the long run, it's better for the kids that they aren't the center of my universe. Realizing that has helped me a lot. Even though I never made them the center of my universe, I always kind of felt guilty about that, and now I see that I don't need to feel guilty about it.

Amen! This is so true, in my opinion anyway. It's good for kids to have to do things on their own, play on their own, etc. I have never wanted to be the center of my kids' universe because I want them to grow up to be self-sufficient, independent thinking people and not entitled or so catered to that they can't do anything for themselves. I know my parents loved me unconditionally and to the moon but I was definitely not the center of their universe and I'm so glad!

[YepBrook]

I am of the mindset that in my relationship with my kids, I am supposed to be for them and not against them, and I want what's best for them, that's my job. I am aware of their needs and I do my best to fulfill them, just as I would in any other relationship that I want to nourish. I also realize that in their minds, needs and wants are very interchangeable. For example, Grace might want me to play dolls with her every day, but I don't feel guilty because I know she doesn't need me to. But I also know that sometimes she DOES need me to play with her so that she feels important to me, and loved. It's hard work sometimes to determine how much of myself I should give and what's healthy for both of us.

I don't think being selfish is ever good. Taking care of ourselves is not selfish! But, taking care of your own needs and at the same time disregarding the needs of others is. God tells us to love others as ourselves. I'm pretty sure there's not a verse in the Bible commanding us to think about ourselves... that's already our natural bend. Do you feed yourself healthy food? Don't go feed your kid crap because you don't have the time/energy. Do you fulfill your own need for exercise, stimulating conversation with friends (online or in real life), face-to-face time with loved ones? Give that to your kids, too. Do you want a hug? Make sure they get physical affection, too. It is work to do that sometimes, but I have found that the better I treat others the better I feel. The more I'm concerned solely about how I treat myself, the rest of my life seems to suffer because I am so absorbed with mememe and honestly... loving myself isn't enough. It's empty and fruitless.

Anyways, my thoughts! Sorry if I went too long!!! Haha.

[YepBrook]

I'm a workaholic - while i LOVE LOVE LOVE what i do.. it totally 100% consumes me a lot of the time and I don't know how to turn it off..

Yep, I get this. I don't know how to turn off the me-time either (it's funny, but I've come to realize that work totally qualifies as me-time. .. at least in my life it does). And I find that when it gets infringed on I am ugly and resentful of moments that should have been good times. :( Remember when I told you the kit I was working on was making me an angry person? That's what I meant by that. I had to just walk away from that goal because it was selfishness on my part to be 100% consumed with it. Ugh. So hard to be a mom sometimes. There's nothing more demanding!!!

[joelsgirl]

Such a good question, Kristin! A few years back, my one little word was selfless, so I made it my goal to say yes when I really wanted to say no. Making the conscious choice to stop what I was doing in order to do something for someone else made it come more naturally to me.

That being said, I still have an inner conflict when one of the kids says, "Will you play with me?" and I feel like SUCH a horrible person. BUT what I've tried to do this year is to intentionally spend 15 minutes/day with one on one with each child, and I think that helps with the neediness on their end and takes away the guilt on my end when I have to say no.

[KristinCB]

I never really do the one little word but man i might have to - what a good idea!!

I love the 15 intentional minutes too!

[jak]

I think every Mum would have mum-guilt at some stage... between juggling household responsibilities, work, school/homework, etc, etc and also just not feeling like playing with the kids when they ask (because its boring, you're too tired, too busy doing something you want to do...). I certainly do.

I find if I spend even 15 minutes doing something with them whether they've asked me to or not, they're quite content with that - it may not seem like a lot of time to you, but to them it is.

I definitely need my me-time too though, which is usually when I scrap... my boys understand that, and know that it is also when they can watch TV or play x-box, which is something they want to do for themselves. I'm very strict about their electronics use, and it works out such that we all have some of our 'me-times' simultaneously.

[nietis]

I also go through some mum-guilt stage sometimes, and my son is only 3!
Sometimes, I think I am a bad mom, not good enough, too strict to him, etc... and I share that with my hubby. When I do share with hubby, he'll say the words I say to him back to me, that I want what's best and right for him, that I am a human, too, I make mistakes, but, he truly knows and is aware that I am doing my best for my son.

I am a firm believer that what is good is NOT necessarily 'right' for him, but what is 'right' is always good for him. So, there will be times that I will say 'no' to him, because, though those toys might be good for him, it's not right for him to have too many... (just an example).
I may come as too strict to him, but, I don't think if I let him loose it will be good for his future.

As to me-time, I take turn with hubby and my parents-in-law. When I get too tired and too impatient with my son, it's just best to send him to his grandparents for an hour or 2 playtime, since they live about 10-mins walking distance from us, rather than trying to figure out my patience.
That way, he gets to burn his energy off and I get some break, but, most of the time, I do prefer him to be near me at all times...

[Lyd]

A friend is bringing me her two little girls today--a three year old and a baby--so that she can get lunch with her husband and eat in peace. I say good for her for figuring out how to get some time away. This momming thing is hard!!


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[Sherri Tierney]

My struggle is in learning to take time for myself. I give, give, give all the time. I do whatever other people ask of me. I never follow through with promises I make to myself. I have so many things I want to do and it just never gets done because other people need me. My kids are getting older now and I thought I would have more time for myself as that happened, but it isn't so. I am also a huge introvert and thus all of this stresses me out so much because I can't ever relax and recharge. Every few months I get physically ill from being rundown taking care of everyone else.

Truly, I think that being a wife and mom is HARD. Being a woman is hard. Some of us tend to do things to extremes. Mine is to the detriment of me. I was a designer when my kids were little. I would spend all day taking care of the house and playing with the kids and spending time with my husband and then I would stay up all night designing after they went to bed. I often slept like 3 hours a night back then because I didn't feel like it was okay for me to let the kids play on their own for a minute or to say I wasn't going to have a product that week, etc.

Do the best you can, mama! If you are asking how to be more selfless then that tells me that you are taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself helps you have more energy to take care of others. That's a good start. I think the rest is a balance game. I kinda suck at that... thus why my 'one little word' for 2014 was balance.

[jessica31876]

the newer video game graphics can cause certain people to get sick. I get nauseous, start sweating, feeling dizzy and will even throw up from them. Maybe there is a game you could try that doesnt effect you? For me its usually a side motion game not ful 4 dimensional games where the character can run around and you have a whole world to explore.


ha.. yes to both HSP and introvert.. it makes me feel like a failure as a mom honestly.

Lucas loves video games.. I honestly get nauseous playing video games now, I don't know what it is but obviously something with the stimulation.