Multi-Generational Living
 

I've been mostly absent because I'm at my mom's preparing her house to sell. We were back home touring houses (I think we saw 15+). We are looking for a house that will suit my mom, husband and me, guests and possibly boomerang kids.

My mom is disabled, but mostly self-sufficient right now. I don't anticipate it will be long before she needs more help, and that's our reason for doing this.

Have you lived in a multi-generational home? Do you have any advice?

We lived with my parents for many years. My parents lived in their side of the house, which was the main house and we lived in the in-law suite. There was a large foyer breaking off their side and our side of the house. We always had our house doors opened, when we didn't mind the company. My girls were always coming and going in between the houses. Once my husband deployed, we started making meals together and eating as a whole. I helped make dinner with my dad and helped my mom clean up after dinner was done. When the girls would go to bed, my father and I would play card games and watch tv until around 10 when I'd go home, lock my door and go to bed. I really liked when we lived liked this. It was nice having my parents there, being close to them. It really help build our relationship.

The second time we lived with them, my sister and her family lived in the in-law portion of the house. So we shared the living space with my parents. It was a little more difficult, because our youngest was just a toddler and my father doesn't like the noises of small children. There was a lot of tension, and trying to avoid one another, staying out of each other's way.

I don't really have any advice, other than respect each other's personal space and read their tells of whether or not they want to be bothered. If you are sharing bathrooms, ask if anyone needs to use it before you take a long shower or monopolize the bathroom too long. Enjoy your time together. You are going to get to know each other on such a deeper, personal level than just mother/daughter. I'll cherish the moments that my parents and I just talked...set aside that I was their daughter. Talked. REALLY got to know my parents, their history, etc.

That's awesome Wendy! Thanks for sharing that experience. one of our qualifications for houses has been separate living spaces for each of us. one of the houses has the bedrooms on opposite sides of the house and then the kitchen and living room in the middle. The other has the master downstairs and more living space upstairs. I'm really hoping this will go smoothly! my mom resents that she needs help. So that makes it kind of hard.

I'm sorry your mom is not totally on board, Tammy. Hopefully things will go better than you anticipate. Separate living spaces sounds wise, even if you don't choose to separate! Wishing you luck!

We've only lived with my parents for short periods, like a month, and the only reason it worked for us is because it was temporary and they missed us so much because we live on the other side of the world. I am way too messy to live iwth my parents again. However, in your situation, it sounds like it will work. A friend of mine from high school had her grandmother live with their family for years, and they were so close.

Just want to put it out there- My neighbor's house is for sale & they built it when her paraplegic father lived with them! It's the PERFECT set up for you ;) ;) Wontcha be my neighbor! :wub:
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/4...83844832_zpid/

We lived with my inlaws while we were building our home & I agree with Wendy that clear boundaries & separate living spaces is very helpful. The kids were super little, so it was SO helpful to have those extra adults around during that time...

Thank you, Cindi! It's mostly that she resents that at 71 she needs help. Hopefully she'll calm once we're settled.

Haha! You're that messy, huh? :D

Wouldn't that be amazing, Amie??!! It's a gorgeous house. I love the view. But, we love Idaho and I doubt I could get my hubby to move out of Idaho :)

That's a BEAUTIFUL home!!!

I was raised by my grandmother. My mom was in and out of the picture so at times we definitely had 3 or more generations living together.

When I was around 5 we lived in a house that was broke up into separate wings that all broke off of a common dining room. One wing was my mom and her husband. Another was my uncle and his wife. The third was my teenage aunt, my grandma, my younger brother and me. The basement often housed my uncle's best friend and whatever girl he was with at the time. Each of the wings had a kitchen. The side we lived in had the big kitchen, the others had smaller ones (like a kitchenette, I guess). We had a family room that everyone shared but each of their spaces had a sitting area as well as one bedroom. Our side had 2-3 bedrooms. I don't remember for sure. It was a big house though. The dining room that separated the wings was massive.

In most of our other houses, there was not separate living quarters. My mom would just lock herself into a bedroom and spend most of her time there.

One of my friends has a grandma who lives with her parents. My friend & her siblings were already grown up when their grandma moved in. They were able to make some renovations to one side of the house to give the grandma her own little living area (her name is Lily, so they call it the Lily Pad, so cute!)
But my friend's mom confided in her that it was difficult for her that the grandma had her own space *and* free reign over the rest of the house, too, unless the parents (homeowners) retreated to the master bedroom. So, either really clear communication about boundaries, or a master suite that included a sitting area for reading, having a cup of tea or watching TV would have been a better setup for them.

It sounds like your grandmother was an amazing woman to raise you in the absence of your mom.

One of the requirements as we looked at houses was to have a split floor plan so that we would each have our own space as well as common space. It made house hunting a bit more challenging. :D

We have an offer in on a house. We're going back and forth countering with the sellers, and hope to reach an agreement soon!!

I've had my kids move back a few times and my mom came for 3 times throughout my married life to live with us.

What was important was to have some personal space. I've never had an in-law suite but I didn't mind sharing the main living quarters (kitchen, LR, etc). But having personal bathrooms and separate sitting area was needed. In one home, we had a large sitting area and bedroom in the basement with a 1/2 bath and in the other home we had a TV room in the basement and separate bathroom which wasn't as convenient b/c all the bedrooms were at the same end of the house so hearing someone opening and shutting doors, tv blaring, coughing, etc all interrupted sleep. The separate TV room was convenient but would have been better had there been a bedroom there too.

Good luck!!

Good luck with the offer, Tammy! I hope it goes through well!

I hope it all goes well! Keeping my fingers crossed you get a great deal on the perfect house!

My mom wanted to move in with us a few years back when we bought this house. I couldn't do it. I told her it wouldn't work if I wanted to stay married, and that was brutally honest. Of course, its not JUST my mom, my youngest brother lives with her so she wanted them both to move in with us.... with her 29 (or more) cats.

That's a LOT of cats! :eek:

Thank you, Sherri!
Wow! That is a lot of cats! My mom had 4, but they've all passed away now. My sister lived with my mom until a month ago, but is now on her own (thankfully!).

Just a little update!

My mom's house in CA is sold! It closed yesterday. We are flying home to Idaho tomorrow night!!! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be going home before Christmas!

We found a house in Meridian, ID that will close on the 27th. It's a much bigger house than I really wanted, but it gives my mom her space, hubby & me our space, and hubby will be able to have an office at home.

It has been almost 3 months of hard work getting the house ready to sell, getting it packed and ready to move. Now I get to go home and get our house packed :p ...but at least I'll be home!!!

So glad you get to go home Tammy! Sorry you have to move again! Prayers for a smooth transition for all of you!

Thank you so much, Cindi!!

Best of luck, Tammy. I work in a group home that houses 14 individuals ages 20s to 60s. That's about the extent of experience I have. I do work with disabled adults, so I understand the resentment in needing help, etc. I'd be happy to chat if you're ever feeling flustered xo

Thank you so much, Laura!! I'm sure I'm going to have those days. I really appreciate the offer, and I will keep it in mind. :wub: