My one little word for 2014: Acceptance
 

Or rather, my two little words.. Acceptance and Peace.
I've been writing a long, long journal entry for the past couple weeks.. All about my goals for acceptance and peace. I was going to post some anonymous blog and just talk to no one.. Talk for one of the first times really. That's not really an indicator of acceptance though is it? It's still hiding, it's still denying.

I realized.. holding these things in isn't helping anyone. It's especially hurting me.. Those close to me know little bits and pieces of my story, some of the girls here were right by my side through the worst of it. I still hide things, I still never say things out loud. Today I suddenly burst into tears and had to lock myself in the bathroom for a while after a completely unrelated argument with the boyfriend. Unhealthy.

It's been four years..I want to say four years of safety.. Freedom. Of being able to breathe. But that's not really true. The bruises heal, the memories start to soften, but the damage that was done to us runs so deeply. It's been four years of trying to accept what happened and realizing what we survived. It's been four years of trying to heal. Four years of trying to move forward when really, it just feels like the world stopped spinning and I drowned.

A few weeks ago I received an email, an innocent and very grateful email. This person was telling me how much she appreciated my designs.. That often times it leaned towards the less cheery side of life and really helped her through some unhappy times she was going through. She explained that she was going through a divorce, getting out of an abusive marriage. I thanked her and briefly explained our history. Told her that I knew we didn't know each other but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. I realized I wasn't giving myself that chance.. and was cutting everyone else off who may need to hear it too. That was probably the first time I'd ever told a complete stranger, albeit extremely briefly, what had happened in my past.. That I was a domestic violence 'survivor' and that I was offering her my strength and support to get through this.

I feel like I need to stop denying to myself, and to the general world who sees me, I need to start facing what happened. and KEEP facing it. My goal this year is to find that peace and acceptance. I have spent the past four years just trying to bury it all. It's not doing any good. It is hurting me. It is hurting my child. Our children learn through our example. My child has developed a mirror coping mechanism.. Lock it in a box and never open it again. What happens when it's smashed or merely just cracked open? Your whole world falls down around you.
No... no more.

So I started writing. To myself... To no one..Everyone needs an outlet and a voice. My art is a great one, but sometimes you just need to yell... here is me screaming out loud..

When you are subjected to violence and hatred day in and day out you begin to think you deserve it. That you are the reason they are acting this way. That if you were just a little better of a wife.. a better cook.. more loving.. more appreciative.. that things would get better. You believe the cruel words spewed at you to be truths. You no longer cry when you are physically harmed or violated because it is your duty as a wife to accept this. You become an empty shell of yourself. You no longer have a voice. You no longer care. You no longer feel alive.

Eventually, he left us. With no car, no money, no support.. I was faced with one of the hardest periods of our lives to that point.. but it was equally a relief. I thought our nightmare was finally over. I struggled through trying to prove he had not destroyed me, that I was fully capable of supporting and taking care of my child on my own. That I was keeping him safe from this monster.. I still endured a constant flow of verbal abuse. He would call repeatedly and when I stopped answering leave hate filled voicemails or text me repeatedly over the span of 7 hours straight telling me how worthless I was. I pushed forward though. I would not give him any more power over me. He could not hurt me anymore.

January 2010 however.. my world came to a halt. This is when it was revealed that my dear little child, my world, my soul, was being hurt in the most unforgiveable ways by the one man he was supposed to trust.. his father. It was unimaginable. I couldn't let myself feel anything. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. That moment began the hardest journey I have ever walked, and the strongest fight I've ever put up. It wasn't just about me anymore. It was about this precious little soul who didn't deserve the life he had been given. This precious soul that I would give anything to protect.

And I did. It's been four years since he has had any contact with my child or I. We followed all the proper procedures and have a protection order against him & he has no parental rights. I had to testify, in front of him in court as to what he did to us. That day was the strongest I have ever needed to be..He admitted to the court what he had done to me, and said that he wasn't going to call my child a liar. No criminal charges were ever filed, because at the time, my kindergartner was unable to give the investigators precise times and dates as to when the abuse occurred. A six year old. But it doesn't matter.. We are safe. He doesn't exist in our world anymore. My child suffers from some pretty severe PTSD and talking about the incidents any further is quite traumatic for him.. but one day, when he is ready..we can move forward with a criminal case and put that man where he belongs.

I am not a victim. I may have once identified as one, but I refuse to give that power to someone else. I am not your victim. WE are not your victims. We will find our peace.. and you will be tortured by the truths of what you did to us forever.

I want to add one more thing.. and it's the one bit of advice that I stress the strongest.. if you are ever in a bad situation........ speak up. Talk to your friends, your families.. anyone. someone. Do not hold it in. Do not bear the pain alone... and know there is always hope. I know that if I had reached out.. to anyone, things could have been better. Even now, I struggle to reach out when I feel myself spiraling downwards. It doesn't make you weak.. it proves that you ARE strong if you can admit you need someone there for you.

Letting it out is good, you are strong and beautiful, and deserve only good things in this world.

Know that here, you are safe to speak, you are loved too la <3

I can't imagine the courage it took to post. I want to give you a big hug!

La. I just love you so much! You HAVE been strong through all of this, but it's okay to be weak sometimes and lean on the people who care about you. :wub:

(((hugs)))

oh La...you are so not the victim. You are strong incredibly brave and absolutely amazing!!!! <3

((((HUGS)))))

You are my hero.

You are amazing and I love you so much La! As painful as it is, it is really good to hear you open up about that time in your time. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!

La - you are one of the strongest people I know. You are amazing and courageous. Sending all of my love and support. (((HUGS)))

You, my dearest La are amazing and strong and brave and beautiful and such a wonderful mother. YOUR KID is so cool and fun and has come through this with your guidance to turn into a fantastic little man <3

La, I don't even have the words to say how much I admire you. You truly went through hell and you came out stronger! You are amazing, and I thank you SO much for having the courage to share this with us. Love you!

{{{HUGS}}} You are so brave and courageous!!!

GIrl, you may think you do....but you don't fully realize just how large of a step you took in posting this. Speaking from a different kind of survivor.....facing the trauma, the anger, etc and saying it "outloud" is what is going to be the turning point of your healing process!! Trust me on this one!! I'm LIVING proof that us women are STRONGER than anything else as long as we allow ourselves to be...and you have done that today by your post and it proves just how much inner strength you have!

God bless!!!

You not I am not an ooshy gooshy person, but I love you and always have. I know what you went through back then and I have always thought you to be one of the strongest most courageous people I've ever known. I am grateful to call you my friend and am so happy that you've taken yet another step on your journey towards healing by posting and sharing with this community who loves you. I know I am not alone in sharing the sentiment that we are here for you and always will be.

(((((Hugs))))))

I love you La <3 hearing your story just speaks to the great strength you have. You are an awesome mom to C, and I hope in the next year and beyond both of you are able to find acceptance and peace.

wow. I'm no good with words, so I will just ditto what everyone said & add that I am totally in awe of you - you are so much stronger & braver than you even know! Sending so many big hugs your way!!

Big massive ((((HUGS)))) Lala... It took amazing courage to post that... Being honest with yourself, and your friends, gives you the best chance to heal and get past this. Give yourself a pat on the back La - you have been through such an ordeal, and been so strong. You are an amazing mother to give Connor the support he needed through this too... IDK what else to say, but knowing you, and what a private person you are (as I am), you have made me cry because I know how hard this must have been for you to put out there ((HUGS))

Having cut off a very abusive relationship myself (not with my partner/husband, but a family member), I know it can be hard NOT to blame yourself. I'm only starting to realise I'm not that bad a person and that's three years later - I still catch myself thinking "oh, maybe it's just me, maybe if I'd been a better person, etc, stuff wouldn't have happened blah blah", point the blame at myself, even feel like it's my fault that her life is even more of out of control now. But then I started to find out that this person had done similar things to other people in my family (like randomly trying to stab people O_o) because I wasn't there to take it anymore, and the penny finally dropped that it wasn't ME with the problem. That I'm really not that bad and people DO like me and don't have ulterior motives... Finally!

So I know what a release it can be to realise that... To finally accept yourself for who you are and that who you are isn't a bad thing. I'm glad that you have started to see that. Love you xxxxx

You are so brave and so very inspirational.

Holy smokes La! You are one courageous lady! And you'll never know how many people you might have helped find their own courage by making that post. I'd hug you if I could!

((Hugs)) You are so much stronger and more courageous than you realize, La. Ce is lucky to have you as his mother, advocating for him and helping him heal.

(((hugs))) You are so strong & brave La...

ah, La, you are amazing and awesome and I'm glad you are not believing that horrible man's lies. You are a survivor and you and Ce will be victorious as time heals some of those wounds. You are inspiring and I am glad you've shared your experience and word for this year. ((hugs))

You guys have supported me all these years even when you didn't realize you were holding me up. I love you all <3 Thank you for letting me share with you today.. I don't like feeling vulnerable and open, posting this took a lot out of me, but I really hope this is one of many steps towards the peace I really need. <3

As one survivor to another... I so appreciate you sharing your story, and I so love you for who you are, La, and continue to be.

boy. as I sit here struggling to find the words... LeeAndra sails in and sums it all up for me perfectly ♥

for me, even after 20+ years of healing, I still find myself getting all tongue twisted and emotionally numb whenever I attempt to "put it out there". so on behalf of all of us, who cannot find their own words... thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for sharing yours. you'll forever have all my love, support, and adoration xo

Wow. I have sooooooooo much respect for you La, even more than ever before. You are such a beacon to sooo many women and such an exemplar to all of us. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and allowing us to know of those raw feelings. La, I don't know when this peace you are searching for will come, when this ghost that haunts you will go away. But I pray that the peace comes, that it truly comes to you and your awesome boy. YOU are so friggin incredible and I support you in doing this and love you for it. I wholeheartedly support you doing anything you choose to do to protect your child, to get yourself healed, to survive, to live in a friggin decent worthwhile way which you sooooo incredibly deserve. ANYTHING at all that I can do for you, I am here.

Wow! Everyone else has said it so perfectly... So I will echo what they said, you are amazing and so brave. You are an inspiration to so many by posting this here. You don't even know how many women will stumble upon this post of yours and read it, and find the strength they need to keep on. (((Hugs)))

ditto what everyone else had said!! Love you so much chica!!! <3 <3 <3

Everything has been already said. I think I just add another (hugs) for you La!

HUGS from me as well.

Thanks for sharing La! I'm a very private person as well and even though I haven't gone through anything near what you went through, I still have a hard time talking about things that happened in the past that, years later, still hurt a lot. You are so courageous to share and a true inspiration!

and that is the thing. that's the secret! you are FREE! and the past is in the past. and now it's time to you believe that you deserve only good things. GO FOR THEM! you can do that. you had the bad. HAD. now accept the good. and here, away away from you, you have someone that loves you. AND admire you. :hugs:

Sending you hugs and celebrating you and your one little word from afar! Happy 2014!

Sending many love to you both! You are such a brave and strong woman!

wow this really got me thinking.
coming from an abusive family myself, this may be the reason why i shut myself up to people that know me in real life. i hide my online self from them. this way i can be open at least in my online life.

i thank you for posting this, la. you came a long way and i am sure you and your sweet one deserve only the best. i love you for being you. just the way you are!

Thank you, La, for sharing. That took so much bravery to do that. Big, fat hugs your way. XX

By sharing your story you are taking even MORE of your power back! You are an amazing and strong woman.

What an awesome, brave post La, I'm sending you all the mad gushy high fiving vibes I can muster. I've found as I've gotten older, more people than you can imagine have scars, physical and emotional, the ones that find their power and move on, they're the winners.

I love you lots La. <3

Amen! It's the bravest thing a person can do.

Thank you for sharing this, la. Love you.

Oh La, you are such an amazing inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing your story, I know that could not have been easy to do at all, but I know it will help many others and I admire you for your incredible strength. <3 <3 <3

you're a good mom. and everything everyone else has said too!

That must have taken a lot or courage to write that all out La. You are honestly one of the strongest people I know, I can't believe all you have been through and you are still standing strong....you are amazing. Ce is soooo lucky to have you as a mom.
((((((hugs))))))

I love you both lots and it hurts that you both had to go through all that. <3 (there was more but I'm at a loss for words at the moment cause nothing sounds right lol)