Oh wow...you remind me of me and my Nana...I am SO incredibly close to her (she raised me until 3rd grade) and I actually had a big cry session on the phone with her a few weeks ago that ended with me being shocked she is going to be directly cremated, and then me asking her if I can have her ashes (I'll scatter them later, wherever she would want)...that is how insanely close I am to her...if she was to pass away, I do not know what I would do with myself
I am so very sorry that your grandmother passed away, and that you are still trying to cope with it all ((((HUGS))))