*update-posted this in La's forum too*
as for me and Chad, i told him how i felt about his mom, how he lets her meddle in our marriage too much for my comfort and that she is wrong about a lot of what she think about all this. he said she is right about some of it. which is true; i do need to work harder at keeping this house clean, but he needs to realize that he's not perfect either. i know you all will probably start throwing things at me now, but i think we might try this marriage one more time. he says he wants to save up and maybe go us go move near his brother in Cali to get away from here. we have been talking about doing this for months. i'm not saying our problems will be solved, or if this is what we are definitley doing, but thats what he said last night. i just can't give up on us yet. i'm willing to give us another shot, and if things don't change then i can accept that we won't stay together. but i just can't let it go. i'm too stubborn, and i know there are still feelings there between us. otherwise he wouldn't still be affectionate toward me. maybe i'm stupid, i don't know. but my heart aches at the thought of not being with him. i know a lot of that is because i still love and remember the guy i met and fell for, but some of him is still there. i also know i can't change him or make him get better. i'm just not ready to give up. i'm going to look into going to school. that way i can better myself and if we really don't work out atleast i know i'll be on my way to financial independence for me and the kids. he says he wants to go to school too. i think that will do wonders for him, getting him out of the house.
please don't hate me for sticking with him, if thats what we decide. things are still up in the air at this point. my mom is going to shoot me, and my friend Amanda whom i was babysitting for doesn't want me to watch her son anymore with all of this going on right now. she is very protective of her son, for good reason; they have been through a lot and she is trying to get her life in order so i don't blame her for not wanting to get involved in my drama. but it would have been nice to hang out with her again. but i have to respect her wishes. Also, maybe if both of us spent less time on the internet ignoring each other and more time talking and maybe doing stuff we can get back the spark that has been snuffed out for so long. i think thats part of our problem too. we haven't been a 'couple'. more like roommates with benefits, lol. if he's willing to try again, then i have to be willing too.
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