[lauren grier]

Or rather, my two little words.. Acceptance and Peace.
I've been writing a long, long journal entry for the past couple weeks.. All about my goals for acceptance and peace. I was going to post some anonymous blog and just talk to no one.. Talk for one of the first times really. That's not really an indicator of acceptance though is it? It's still hiding, it's still denying.

I realized.. holding these things in isn't helping anyone. It's especially hurting me.. Those close to me know little bits and pieces of my story, some of the girls here were right by my side through the worst of it. I still hide things, I still never say things out loud. Today I suddenly burst into tears and had to lock myself in the bathroom for a while after a completely unrelated argument with the boyfriend. Unhealthy.

It's been four years..I want to say four years of safety.. Freedom. Of being able to breathe. But that's not really true. The bruises heal, the memories start to soften, but the damage that was done to us runs so deeply. It's been four years of trying to accept what happened and realizing what we survived. It's been four years of trying to heal. Four years of trying to move forward when really, it just feels like the world stopped spinning and I drowned.

A few weeks ago I received an email, an innocent and very grateful email. This person was telling me how much she appreciated my designs.. That often times it leaned towards the less cheery side of life and really helped her through some unhappy times she was going through. She explained that she was going through a divorce, getting out of an abusive marriage. I thanked her and briefly explained our history. Told her that I knew we didn't know each other but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. I realized I wasn't giving myself that chance.. and was cutting everyone else off who may need to hear it too. That was probably the first time I'd ever told a complete stranger, albeit extremely briefly, what had happened in my past.. That I was a domestic violence 'survivor' and that I was offering her my strength and support to get through this.

I feel like I need to stop denying to myself, and to the general world who sees me, I need to start facing what happened. and KEEP facing it. My goal this year is to find that peace and acceptance. I have spent the past four years just trying to bury it all. It's not doing any good. It is hurting me. It is hurting my child. Our children learn through our example. My child has developed a mirror coping mechanism.. Lock it in a box and never open it again. What happens when it's smashed or merely just cracked open? Your whole world falls down around you.
No... no more.

So I started writing. To myself... To no one..Everyone needs an outlet and a voice. My art is a great one, but sometimes you just need to yell... here is me screaming out loud..

When you are subjected to violence and hatred day in and day out you begin to think you deserve it. That you are the reason they are acting this way. That if you were just a little better of a wife.. a better cook.. more loving.. more appreciative.. that things would get better. You believe the cruel words spewed at you to be truths. You no longer cry when you are physically harmed or violated because it is your duty as a wife to accept this. You become an empty shell of yourself. You no longer have a voice. You no longer care. You no longer feel alive.

Eventually, he left us. With no car, no money, no support.. I was faced with one of the hardest periods of our lives to that point.. but it was equally a relief. I thought our nightmare was finally over. I struggled through trying to prove he had not destroyed me, that I was fully capable of supporting and taking care of my child on my own. That I was keeping him safe from this monster.. I still endured a constant flow of verbal abuse. He would call repeatedly and when I stopped answering leave hate filled voicemails or text me repeatedly over the span of 7 hours straight telling me how worthless I was. I pushed forward though. I would not give him any more power over me. He could not hurt me anymore.

January 2010 however.. my world came to a halt. This is when it was revealed that my dear little child, my world, my soul, was being hurt in the most unforgiveable ways by the one man he was supposed to trust.. his father. It was unimaginable. I couldn't let myself feel anything. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. That moment began the hardest journey I have ever walked, and the strongest fight I've ever put up. It wasn't just about me anymore. It was about this precious little soul who didn't deserve the life he had been given. This precious soul that I would give anything to protect.

And I did. It's been four years since he has had any contact with my child or I. We followed all the proper procedures and have a protection order against him & he has no parental rights. I had to testify, in front of him in court as to what he did to us. That day was the strongest I have ever needed to be..He admitted to the court what he had done to me, and said that he wasn't going to call my child a liar. No criminal charges were ever filed, because at the time, my kindergartner was unable to give the investigators precise times and dates as to when the abuse occurred. A six year old. But it doesn't matter.. We are safe. He doesn't exist in our world anymore. My child suffers from some pretty severe PTSD and talking about the incidents any further is quite traumatic for him.. but one day, when he is ready..we can move forward with a criminal case and put that man where he belongs.

I am not a victim. I may have once identified as one, but I refuse to give that power to someone else. I am not your victim. WE are not your victims. We will find our peace.. and you will be tortured by the truths of what you did to us forever.

I want to add one more thing.. and it's the one bit of advice that I stress the strongest.. if you are ever in a bad situation........ speak up. Talk to your friends, your families.. anyone. someone. Do not hold it in. Do not bear the pain alone... and know there is always hope. I know that if I had reached out.. to anyone, things could have been better. Even now, I struggle to reach out when I feel myself spiraling downwards. It doesn't make you weak.. it proves that you ARE strong if you can admit you need someone there for you.