[rach3975]

This is an exerpt from something that was in The Washington Post today--it echos a lot of what we're all saying.

One of the hardest parts about parenting teens, at least for me, is feeling like they don’t care what we think. That’s not really the case though, right?

Ginsburg: Here’s what I know: parents are the most important people in kids’ lives, and every piece of research says that adolescents care deeply about what their parents think. That’s the fact. Knowing that means we can engage and we can communicate and we can shape.

So why does it feel like they don’t care what we think?

Ginsburg: Adolescence is about becoming increasingly independent, and you've raised these kids in a fluffy nest where you brought them everything they needed, and suddenly they realize they need to become independent. And so what they need to do is begin to imagine the nest is prickly, and think about life without you. In other words, they love you so much that becoming independent from you is scary. So they have to go through a temporary period where they imagine not needing you, even hating you, so that they can learn to fly on their own. Now, how you play this is going to make all the difference. When your kid rejects you, if you say, ‘Well, you know what? I reject you back,’ you've lost.

It’s so hard because it feels so personal. What should parents do instead?

Ginsburg: Parents need to tell themselves that this is their teen’s developmental need, and that their teens are uncomfortable with how much they love their parents. But, as parents, you are never going to stop loving your teens because they know loving them is the most protective force in their life. You’re not taking that away. Instead, you will celebrate their increasing independence.

I admit that there have been times when I’ve asked myself ‘Who are these kids?’ because they seem so different from who they were when they were little. Why is that?

Ginsburg: Yes, there are moments when you may not recognize the child you thought you raised, but remember, adolescence is about answering the fundamental question “Who am I?” And it’s time to try on many hats to imagine who you might be. For that reason, sometimes we don't recognize the child in one particular hat. It’s not a permanent hat, but rather, an experimentation to imagine who they could be. So don't freak out as long as your child is within safe and moral territory.

The bottom line: You know exactly who your child is, and it is the knowledge of who your child is that is the most protective force in their universe. It’s the same child we raised when they were toddlers. Love is seeing someone as they deserve to be seen as they really are, not based on the behavior they might be displaying.

And why do we love? We love so our teens know they’re worthy of being loved. You’re choosing to love them, with knowledge of who your child really is, in all of their goodness and in all of their complexity. You may not like the hat they’re wearing, but you love the child who is wearing it. And when you do that, you give them the security to launch into adulthood. Because when a child knows they’re worthy of being loved, they can handle the universe.