Warning... this is quite a book. I totally understand if you just want to skip over this thread and read about people's fun stuff. This is not that thread.
So just to catch everyone up to speed.... I asked my husband for a divorce back at the end of June. He agreed. I had already hired a lawyer. He doesn't have one. We didn't end up filing until almost the end of July (basically because my lawyer's paralegal was inept, but she has since been fired). Anyway, we had a case management conference delay, but that finally happened at the beginning of September, and then we had a mediation session at the end of September. We agreed on almost everything at that point, but we just ran out of time and have to finish in another session, which is coming up during the first week of November. I hope to finalize things then.
During mediation, we agreed that the house will go to me (it's underwater right now, since we owe about $15K more than what it's probably worth), and the kids will primarily live with me. We decided who would take what debt, etc. and really only have two things left to discuss: a visitation and holiday schedule, plus dividing up some personal property that we have at the house.
Before I get to the current issue, first I have to go back in time a bit. I'm know that some of this will be TMI for some of you, and might cause you to think of me differently, but that's ok. I am willing to risk it. Four years ago, I had an affair with someone from high school (reconnected via fb). Mind you, this is not something I EVER expected to do... and it was quite a shock to my family and friends as well. It lasted about 6 months before Arthur found out. It was ugly when he did....him threatening the other man and his family, etc. Police involved. My boys were spared from all of that, thankfully, but it left the rest of us with scars that have never fully healed. Arthur and I did the counseling thing for about a year, but there was never significant improvement. I feel like I stayed out of guilt. My boys were 8, 10 and 12 at the time. I wanted to try to keep the family together. I went to counseling on my own as well, and I continue to do that even now. Arthur refused to get counseling on his own. During the last 4 years, things have been strained. Not arguing in front of the kids, but there has definitely been tension. Arthur has had some blowups at the boys, and with my 14 yo Noah in particular.... something that Noah cannot forgive or forget. Let's just say that the relationship between Arthur and the boys is not really a close one. It doesn't help that he works nights, but there would still be a problem even if he worked days. He grew up in a family that just doesn't express emotions. Not once have I EVER heard him tell the boys that he loves them. He doesn't hug them, doesn't cry in front of them.... nothing. It makes me sad. His idea of showing affection was to coach their t-ball and football teams. Seriously.
Fast forward to last winter. A friend of mine from school died unexpectedly. I had a wake up call. Decided at that point that I wanted to ask for a divorce. Life is just too short. Tried to drop some hints over the course of the spring but was really scared of what his reaction would be. Finally dropped some big hints over Memorial Day weekend. Over the month of June, I became suspicious that Arthur was dating someone. Confronted him at the end of June and asked for a divorce. He said OK, and confirmed that he was indeed seeing someone.
Things have been fairly amicable since then, but Arthur has made it very clear to me on more than one occasion that he thinks that this is my fault and that it started because of my affair. He owns none of the responsibility for what came before that. He has continued to live here and has until the end of October to find another place to live. He doesn't make much money and is having a hard time finding anything. He stays every weekend with his girlfriend and her son and daughter, but he can't move in there because she lives in Section 8 housing. On the positive side, he is making more attempts to do stuff with the boys. They already know about his girlfriend and have met her and her kids. While they like them alright, they have said to me that sometimes they would just like to do stuff with Arthur (without everyone else). I get it, but Arthur does not. Fast forward to today. I was at my part time job when Arthur called. He wanted Noah and Benjamin to go to a corn maze with him and gf and family. Our youngest didn't want to go. I got on the phone with Benjamin and tried to convince him. He hung up on me. I was just getting out of work and had to pick up AJ (the 16 yo). When I arrived back at the house, Arthur was beyond pissed because Benjamin wouldn't go. Noah was in the car, but said he didn't want to go if Benjamin didn't go. Benjamin was crying in the living room and trying to tell Arthur that he just wanted to do something with him, and Arthur started screaming at him telling him it wasn't going to happen. I'm trying to comfort Benjamin and keep myself calm. Arthur starts yelling at me and going off about how I can take it all and asking if I have told the boys that he is going to be living in the van because he has no place to go. He starts crying (which he has NEVER done in front of them) and then starts screaming at me about how this is my fault, etc. etc. I asked him to stop, which is when he screamed that he doesn't play by my rules. OMG. It was awful. I don't know how to deal with this. He is acting like I am the devil. I'm afraid that the boys are going to end up hating him. That is not what I want. I want him to spend time with them. I thought that the corn maze was a great idea.... but I also know that he can't just spring things on them and expect them to be excited. They're not that spontaneous.
SO.... I just don't know how to deal with all of this. How do you make kids want to do things with their dad, when they don't? How do I help them to see that this is not their fault, short of reassuring them of that myself? I feel like I have tried my best to foster their relationship with their dad, despite the fact that he thinks I just want them all to myself? Today was very traumatic for all of us, and I sense that as October 31st gets closer, it's going to be bad. I understand that it is hard for him to move out of a house that he's lived in for 20 years, but I can't excuse all of his behavior. We're going to be parents forever, and I just want us to be able to communicate reasonably. I just feel like he is never going to let go of the victim role that he has himself in. This sucks.