Question - special needs children..

[kristine]

At my DD's school there is a girl who has some kind of special needs thing, not sure what it is though. She is not in my DD's class (she's two years older, DD is 7), but they go to the after school care together, and it is a small school (104 students in total), so they spend a lot of time together there. This girl can be a bit difficult, and often she will hit the other kids for no reason. The kids have been told, according to my DD, that there is something not really working in her head that the doctor's can't fix, and she finds it hard to know right from wrong sometimes. They haven't told us anything about it, and often my DD will come home and say this girl hit her, and she doesn't understand why, and she will have lots of questions. I find it really hard to answer when I don't know what is going on.

The family lives up the road from us, so I know the mum in a "hey, that's my neighbour kinda way", but not very well. Would it be OK for me to ask her about her daughter's problem so I can explain it to my DD a bit better? She gets kinda upset about it, because they have been told they need to be nice to her, and when they try to include her they just get hit, and she finds it difficult to understand. The school is very clear on their no-bullying policy, and they have a rule that if someone is on their own the other kids have to include them in the playing (unless the kid wants to be alone), so my DD is trying to follow these rules, but finds it kinda confusing with this girl. At the same time, I find it hard to explain to her why things are the way they are when I don't know anything, but I don't want to offend the girl's mum by bringing it up. The girl has been around our house to play a few times, and most of the time it has been ok, and her mum has never mentioned anything.

[newfiemountiewife]

I think if it were my child, I wouldn't mind being asked questions. I have several friends with special needs children (ie, autism, ADHD) and it seems like most people just don't care enough to know the reasons. Or they make judgements without knowing the facts. I think I'd ask, just say something about your DD is getting older now, and has questions, and you'd like to be able to answer them a little more factually. If she gets offended, I feel that would be her problem. At least you're making the effort to know why this girl is the way she is, kwim? It may help your DD be able to deal with her a little better as well.

Good luck whatever you decide!

[StaceyA]

I agree with Jamie. It wouldn't hurt to ask the mother and the school for advice. Maybe they could even use it for the other students to understand a bit better.

[Lauren Reid]

i wouldn't feel comfortable asking if i didn't know her well, but that's just me.

i think i'd just explain it to DD in a more general way......

my DD had a girl w/ Down's in her pre-k class last year who she ended up VERY attached to... but sometimes the little girl would hit and what not, so i would just tell her that sometimes might do things like that because she's still learning... blablabla....

good luck!

xooxox

[nun69]

I personally would ask because if you explain it from the aspect that your DD doesn't understand then maybe she will be a little more willing to explain her daugnter's condition to you...just let her know that your DD really wants to include her DD when it comes to playing at school but she doesn't understand really wants wrong with her...but that's just me ~

[kim21673]

Being the mom of a special needs child, I say please ask the mom so you can help your daughter understand better.

This is a totally different situation than what you are going through right now...but I always hated when my DS was younger (he's 17 now) and moms would tell their child to be quiet when they were asking about Aaron and why he had crutches (or a walker when he was younger). I was never offended when people asked and was more offended when I could hear them talking about my child but wouldn't ask.

[scrap2day]

My question would be what is the afterschool program doing when the special needs child hits other children?

[Sheana]

Personally, I would ask the teacher/person in charge of the after school program before the other parent. The teacher may be able to give you a little more information. As a parent of a special needs child (my oldest dd has type 1 diabetes), I prefer people to just ask us. However, it's a touchy subject for some parents so I would be hessitant to ask.

[kristine]

Originally Posted by Sheana

Personally, I would ask the teacher/person in charge of the after school program before the other parent. The teacher may be able to give you a little more information. As a parent of a special needs child (my oldest dd has type 1 diabetes), I prefer people to just ask us. However, it's a touchy subject for some parents so I would be hessitant to ask.

That's a good idea, maybe I'll try that first. But will they be allowed to talk about it?

[kristine]

Originally Posted by scrap2day

My question would be what is the afterschool program doing when the special needs child hits other children?

Not much I don't think.. DD says they just tell her it's not ok.

[rach3975]

Originally Posted by kristine

That's a good idea, maybe I'll try that first. But will they be allowed to talk about it?

No, they shouldn't be talking to you about another child. Presumably the people at the afterschool program know how open the mother is about her daughter's needs by how the mother interacts with them, so I might start by asking them if they thought the mother would be receptive.

As a mom of a special needs kiddo I'm perfectly fine with people asking. The better people understand where Ben is, the better his school/peer experience will be. But I know there are other parents who feel differently, and I'm always hesitant to approach other parents unless I have some indication that they'd welcome it. (My shy personality kicking in.)