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#1
03-03-2010, 12:16 PM
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question...is this asking to much?
My husband and I are out for the day....he needed to stop for gas and I handed him the money to pay for it plus a few dollars extra. I told him before he stopped that I was really thirsty. He went in and paid for the gas and used all the money I gave him for gas and did not get me anything to drink. He said since I did not say "get me XYZ" he should not have to get me anything to drink. Is it really asking so much especially after telling him I am really thirsty to grab me a drink? If I go in the store to pay for gas or something for myself I almost always get him something whether it be a drink or a candybar or a beef jerky...something and almost always withut him asking me to get it for him. He got an attitude with me saying that if I want something I should go and get it myself or tell him exactly what I want because he cannot read my mind.
 Maybe I am just extra sensitive today. IDK...it just hurts my feelings that I have to ask him to think about those little things and I do it without him asking me and always have.
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    Dreaming of creating for Cindy Schneider, Studio Flergs & Kristin Cronin-Barrow 
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#2
03-03-2010, 12:20 PM
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well.. he's a man- and they communicate differently (in general) and he probably DOES need it spelled out to him. He's not going to assume your wants and needs-- Even WITH telling him you're thirsty ^_^ .. Don't let it get to you.. just ride it out and don't dwell on it. That's what I say.
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~~La~~
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#3
03-03-2010, 12:21 PM
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Men don't think. I am completely convinced that anything you want from them you have to spell out in black and white...verrrryy sllooowwllly
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#4
03-03-2010, 12:24 PM
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Yeah... I get that from my hubby... but usually it's he gets himself something to drink and when I question, "oh, did you want something too? Why didn't you say something?" Apparently saying you are thirsty and clutching the throat coughing isn't enough for them to get it.
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#6
03-03-2010, 12:34 PM
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I guess so LOL. Just dont think he realizes that sometimes just doing those little things mean alot to me. Shows that he is thinking about me and wants to do something nice for me without me having to ask him to do it. I mean if I ask him to do something specific he will but sometimes its nice to have your husband just do it because he wants to not because you asked him to.
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Dreaming of creating for Cindy Schneider, Studio Flergs & Kristin Cronin-Barrow
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#7
03-03-2010, 12:36 PM
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totally know where you are coming from..I used to get upset when my DH coudln't read between the lines..now I'vejust accepted that he's a man and he needs to be told exactly what I need or want in order to get it done lol
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#8
03-03-2010, 12:39 PM
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I've DEFINITELY learned that HOPING he recognizes I need or want something and then expecting him to react to that need or want, is a FAST way to an argument. At least in my house, lol. That book the 5 love languages, REALLY helped me understand the differences in the ways that people show and receive love. Jordan hated it and we got into a huge argument over the quiz at the back of the book, but regardless, I learned a lot, lol.
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~Colleen~
Re-attempting a creative life after far too long! Last edited by ColleenSwerb; 03-03-2010 at 12:41 PM.
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#9
03-03-2010, 12:43 PM
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We had to read a book called The Five Love languages. It was really interesting (and easy to read). It talks about the ways different people SHOW and RECEIVE love. As an example, it sounds like you are an "acts of service" person - that you feel loved when your DH does small things for you.
What I took from this book is that its just as important (probably moreso) for me to understand what my DH's style of communicating love is than it is to understand what I like to receive. I wish he was more of a "talker", but he's not, he shows love through acts of service. The concepts in the book help you remember that your spouse might be showing you love in their own way that you might not be seeing. having said all of that...DH never could be bothered to read the damn thing, which, in itself really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. So I trapped him on a roadtrip and read it to him. And then made him discuss it with me. 
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#10
03-03-2010, 12:44 PM
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#12
03-03-2010, 01:23 PM
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I love my husband and he is my best friend and so perfect for me.... but I have to spell things out for him, just like everyone else. My most recent hints involve putting trash right at the garage door for him to take out and well, it still hasn't clicked for him! I think it'd have to put it in his seat in the the car for him to get the hint.
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#13
03-03-2010, 01:35 PM
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I wish my husband was more attentive, too, but he isn't so I just assume he has no idea and I explain everything I want to the T, sometimes twice (and sometimes he still does it wrong ><). I was just setting myself up for dissappointment by expecting him to pick up on anything. He can't read my mind (or take hints - nor does he try to).
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#14
03-03-2010, 01:37 PM
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But like I said, regardless of his reaction to the book, I'm really happy that I read it.
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~Colleen~
Re-attempting a creative life after far too long!
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#15
03-03-2010, 03:06 PM
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My husband is a farly thoughtful person, bringing home surprise flowers & stuff. But saying "can you get me something to drink?" is a disaster because rather than grabbing water or a Coke, he overthinks, tries to remember if I am drinking more water these days, avoiding caffine, only drinking caffine when we're out, chose juice last time, was it only 100% juice?, etc & it frustrates him & then he gets annoyed & then comes out of the store with nothing to drink and bad attitude as if I had been in there beside him nagging at him for picking up the wrong thing. When in reality, if I don't specify something I really don't care what he gets.
Same goes for "Grab me a candy bar." He just can't make that choice for me. Meanwhile I will make those choices for him. I think he's just wired to need more detail than I do.
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#16
03-03-2010, 03:16 PM
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This is why I wish I had a wife AND a husband.
We just had this discussion yesterday at lunch. Him: takes 1 1/2 hours to fill out a double-sided piece of paper to defer his student loans. Me: in 30 minutes, gets the baby up from her nap, changes her, re-bibs her, cook dinner (we're having dinner for lunch these days with his work schedule) including chicken, veggies, and rice, sets table for him, throws load of laundry in washer, unloads dishwasher and in the middle of all that having to go over the worksheet with him (after he's called Sallie Mae customer service!) because he just wants to 'make sure this is right.' He swears he needs the help because of his ADHD. As I serve his lunch, I grab the baby to feed HER lunch which then makes it impossible for me to eat because I have an appt in 30 minutes. He finishes in enough time for me to thrust the baby into his arms so I can pack up her diaper bag and he looks at me and says, 'What can I do to help?' Hello?! I'M DONE WITH EVERYTHING NOW. Complete obtuseness. It drives me INSANE.
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#17
03-03-2010, 03:24 PM
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 Creating for: Krystal Hartley
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#18
03-03-2010, 03:26 PM
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OH EM GEE! This is hilarious! I just spit my Diet Coke out! I am totally bookmarking this to read to DH.
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Creating for: Krystal Hartley
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#19
03-03-2010, 03:30 PM
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Oh man LA, I'm so gonna have that happen to me when we have babies, lol. I DO NOT understand why Jordan needs help with things that I do by myself, without saying a word. But when I get annoyed that he needs help with such a simple task, he then gets mad at me for not "wanting to help". Seriously? LOL!
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~Colleen~
Re-attempting a creative life after far too long!
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#20
03-03-2010, 03:54 PM
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That is such a boy thing! I have learned that telling SO I'm thirsty (even right before he goes into a shop) get me nothing, but saying get me a bottle of water does. They just don't think. Another example - I wanted him to change the blinds in DD's room for ages, but rather than say that I would say we really need to finish her room, or something like that. Nothing happened. Then one day I asked him if he could hang the blinds, and the next day it was done. Don't take it to heart, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
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#21
03-03-2010, 03:59 PM
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For a man, yes this is too much to ask unless he has been trained properly to understand. DH always brings a drink out but he is usually getting something for himself too so he is considerate enough to think I might be thirsty too. But with other things, you must be explicit. Their minds are just not hardwired that way. But for him to be pouty about it, come on! Suck it up and be a man!
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#22
03-03-2010, 04:23 PM
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they definitely need it spelled out, no question there. derrrr.
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#23
03-03-2010, 04:28 PM
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Admittedly acts of service isn't one of my love languages (I was going to recommend that book too, haha) so maybe that's why I'm not seeing why it's so important, but it just seems like it'd save both of you a lot of frustration by just being open and honest to begin with. If you don't even tell him what you're expectations are then are you really even giving him a chance to meet them?
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#24
03-03-2010, 04:28 PM
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#25
03-03-2010, 04:32 PM
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Yeah, I think most need it spelled out. But I'm also of the "catch them being good" camp. Ok, I know that is supposed to be for kids, but I'm pretty convinced it works with men too. What I mean is that when he does think about you and get you the drink, hangs the blinds, etc. That is when you praise. This is instead of nagging which I'm convinced they either just tune out or it peeves them so they delay doing anything.
*but I understand your hurt feelings. I'm thirsty & you send him in with extra money seems obvious.
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 Last edited by scrap2day; 03-03-2010 at 04:34 PM.
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#26
03-03-2010, 04:44 PM
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I just don't think about it - with the water, I would interpret someone saying they are thirsty to mean please get me a drink while you're in the shop, and I would interpret "we need to finish the bedroom" as please hang those blinds that we bought toghether, so you know they are there, as those are the only thing missing.But I don't get frustrated about it, I realise that's just how he is, I just forget sometimes 
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#27
03-03-2010, 05:23 PM
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I rarely nag him. Usually if I want something done I do it myself. I dont have any problem telling him what I want either. IDK maybe this sounds silly. I want him to WANT to do those things for me because HE wants to not because I told him I want him to. KWIM?
A perfect example of what I mean: he went out on payday several years ago and bought me a little doll because at the time I was collecting dolls. Only I collected girl dolls. he bought me a little boy doll. He said because I had so many girl dolls he thought I would like a boy doll. Well I probably would have never bought this doll for myself but after he told me that and the fact that he got it for absolutely no reason other then he wanted to surprise me it is my favorite doll now. Just the fact that he went and did it for no reason other then he wanted to do something for me was what made it so special to me. It could have been something as small as picking up my favorite food as a surprise though. It isnt what he does really but the fact that he thought to do it.
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Dreaming of creating for Cindy Schneider, Studio Flergs & Kristin Cronin-Barrow
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#28
03-03-2010, 06:20 PM
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Have you thought about just saying "remember when you surprised me with this doll (show him the boy doll) and that time you surprised me by bringing home tacos (whatever it was)" "It makes me happy when you bring me surprises." Make sure you are happy and smiling and remembering how happy his thoughtfulness made you as you say those two sentences so that it is not linked to this hurt you felt about the no drink. Then say nothing more. Let it go. See what happens.
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#29
03-03-2010, 06:25 PM
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Especially since guys are supposed to be problem solvers. Half the time he treats what I am telling him about something someone said to me as a problem that needs solving when I'm just relating information. I've always assumed a problem solver would respond to the statement "I'm hungry" with "Do you want a snack?"
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#30
03-03-2010, 08:10 PM
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This reminds me of the fight that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have in The Break Up. J: I don't want you to do the dishes, I want you to WANT to do the dishes. V: Why would I WANT TO DO THE DISHES?!?! Yes, to you, saying "I'm thirsty" and giving him a few extra bucks should be enough for him to think "I'm going to get her something to drink". But maybe he thinks like Stacey's husband and he was standing there getting frustrated because he didn't know what you want, and he didn't want to pick the wrong thing, so in the end he said to himself FORGET IT, and then got angry with you when you were upset that he didn't bring you something. He might have thought that bringing the wrong thing would be worse than bringing nothing, so that's why he brought nothing. And I can tell you one thing, even if you explain that you don't caaaaaaaaaaare what he brings you? He won't bring you something. You really have to say "you know what? I'm pretty thirsty, could you get me (fill in the blank)?" And then when he brings it, you're happy, and he's happy that you're happy, and all is well.
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~Colleen~
Re-attempting a creative life after far too long!
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#31
03-03-2010, 08:23 PM
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LOL well yea as silly as that sounds that is how I feel.
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Dreaming of creating for Cindy Schneider, Studio Flergs & Kristin Cronin-Barrow
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#32
03-03-2010, 08:27 PM
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awww, sprry!!
If I tell DH Iam thirsty he'll ask what I want....
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#33
03-03-2010, 08:28 PM
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I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, it just doesn't sounds like your DH is a guy who thinks in terms of acts of service. I would def recommend going to the library or bookstore and getting "The 5 Love Languages". It might help you recognize the OTHER ways that your DH shows his love for you. Does he tell you you're beautiful at unexpected times? does he like to spend time with you watching tv or doing activities? Does he like to snuggle up in bed after a long day at work? Does he randomly bring you gifts? All of those are different examples of ways that we show each other we love them. It sounds like YOUR love language, is acts of service, but it is NOT your husbands. Understanding what his love language is, will help you see the ways in which he DOES show you he loves you, and can help you show your love to him.
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~Colleen~
Re-attempting a creative life after far too long!
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#34
03-03-2010, 08:37 PM
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I'm the multitasker he can't. So I understand the whole I can get more done.
As far as the I'm thirsty. When we had our big situation last year this was a discussion. We talked about how him doing raks for me really stands out. He has gotten better about it. But I still try to remember he can't read my mind if I'm thirsty, I just flat out as for a coke. For me its the same as if I ask one of the kids to do something. LOL... I just said talk to your husband like your kids. That's bad.
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Brittney
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#35
03-03-2010, 08:51 PM
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I took that test before and just did a quick search online. It says I am exactly equal in Quality Time & Receiving Gifts. Which kinda makes sense because I do like being able to spend time alone with him. Receiving Gifts I kinda figured would be close because I like when he surprises me with those little things.
What is actually kinda funny is my daughter does that kinda stuff all the time. She will bring me home pizza when she gets off work (she works at Dominos). Or the other day she stopped at the grocery store and got me a box of my favorite girl scout cookies. It was so funny because I had seen them that day but did not have any cash on me and of course they do not take a check card so I could not get them. Its like somehow she knew I wanted some though. And then she went and bought tickets for New Moon for me on her 18th birthday as a gift to me to thank me for being there for her for all those years no matter what she did or how she acted. Gave them to me in a card with a little note. That surprised me too because I had planned on surprising her with the tickets LOL. Stuff like that is what I really like and I like being able to do those things just as much.
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Dreaming of creating for Cindy Schneider, Studio Flergs & Kristin Cronin-Barrow
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#36
03-03-2010, 09:15 PM
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See, I understand they need things spelled out for them rather than just general, but one thing that ALWAYS pissed me off with my soon-to-be-ex is, he will go somewhere and get himself something to drink or himself a snack, but never get me something, too. If I ever got myself a drink or snack, I would grab something for him, too. To me, its rude not to and would be really sweet just to randomly do that. I would tell him repeatedly that I would like if he got me something when he gets himself something, but he never would. I mean, he knows what I like to drink and eat, its not that hard.
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#37
03-04-2010, 04:42 AM
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I just thought, my dad is like that too, so it must be a universal boy-thing that they never grow out of. My parents like to phone me up and invite themselves around for waffles (my dad is addicted I think). If my mum phones and I say you can come, but I don't have any eggs, she will realise that I want her to bring the eggs. Last time though, my dad phoned, I told him we were out of eggs, and then when he turned up he was like "where's the waffles?" and he had not brought any eggs. He said I never told him to bring eggs, but I kinda thought he'd figure that part out for himself - he's been around long enough to realise there will not be waffles without eggs
I really think it's not worth getting worked up over, and just try to remember to be more specific. I also get the thing of them doing little random things to make our day better or whatever, but I think you need to be specific about that too. Like mention a couple of times that you really like it when they pick up your favourite chocolate bar just because they saw it in a shop and thought of you. And then if they do it, show them that you think it's awesome, and they will probably learn that it's a good thing and keep doing it
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#38
03-04-2010, 04:53 AM
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Kellie
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#39
03-04-2010, 04:57 AM
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Kellie
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#40
03-04-2010, 09:10 AM
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I mentioned this thread to my DH last night. Wanted him to come in my studio so I could read him some of the funny examples but, anywho...was just briefly describing to him the OP's situation.
Before I even finished the story, he says "Men only hear what you TELL us to do. Not the things you imply we should do. We are used to being TOLD what to do." OMG.....it was so hilarious and so dead right. If I say "Wow, the trash is really getting full" he never does anything about it. However, if I say "Babe, will you take the trash out?" He's on it pronto. Like someone else said...think of it as how you tell your children to do something. Only I ask him typically and not tell him. I don't want him to know I am treating him like one of the children.....
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Creating for: Krystal Hartley
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#41
03-04-2010, 10:39 PM
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Thanks!
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