Rant and WWYD (Long)

[Lyd]

The background:
My mom's dad died when she was only 8 or 9 months old, so they moved so they could live close to my mom's aunt and uncle. They were kind of like surrogate parents to my mom and her sister, and their two daughters were more like sisters than cousins. One of those cousins never married and doesn't have any children, so me and my 6 siblings were always kind of like her nieces and nephews. She always loved us a lot and has always been involved in our lives.

When we have family reunions (of just my parents and their descendants, which includes 7 children, 6 spouses, and 32 grandchildren now - a big group), my mom likes to put up a visual representation of our family tree. This one cousin of my mom's always gets mad because she isn't on it. Like it's a huge deal to her and she makes a big deal about it to everyone else. But, NO ONE from outside our immediate family is on it, including my mom's own sister.

She is constantly upset with someone in the family because she didn't get invited to this or that event or whatever. If we plan a sledding day with my siblings and our kids she gets really mad if she's not invited or if some of us get together to watch a video or play games - stuff like that. But, she does get invited to a lot of things - we just saw her at our family gathering for the 4th of July.

So, anyway - my mom just had a big e-mail exchange with her about the same old thing, and she was really rude to my mom. She thinks that no one is making her a priority in their life, etc. etc. etc. And, she really said some mean things. My take on the whole thing is that, while we love her, she just isn't as high a priority as our own spouses and children. And, she's not as high a priority to me as my siblings and parents. That's the plain and simple fact. And, I'm kind of tired of being whined at about it. I just have very little patience with the whole situation.

So, DS#2 is having his 4th birthday on Thursday. We're just having a very simple "party" with just the local family - cake and ice cream - no presents from people other than DH and me. We're trying to decide whether to invite her. Honestly, I don't want her to come cause I'm tired of the moaning, but I also don't want to deal with her being all offended if we don't invite her. Other than her, we would only be inviting my and DH's immediate family.

Any thoughts?

[Misty Cato]

When it comes to kids party I ask, "Will xyz's presence make the party more fun/special for the birthday boy?" If so, I'd put other family issues aside and invite her. If not, I wouldn't.

[kbbeale]

Originally Posted by Misty Cato

When it comes to kids party I ask, "Will xyz's presence make the party more fun/special for the birthday boy?" If so, I'd put other family issues aside and invite her. If not, I wouldn't.

Exactly! Dont let HER make it about HER all the time. Its your son's day. Not hers.

~K

[heathergw]

I agree with Misty... I also think that 4 years old is old enough to ask him if he wants her there... my guess is that he won't and that would be your answer.

[DeepGirl]

I am the only child and so my mother is. Contrary, my grandmother is from 15 children. So a lot of my mom's cousins were also like sisters and brothers to her. Before I was born (and also when I was a little child) there used to be big family reunions on birthdays and the weddings were always about hundred of people or even more.

The family is really big and we are now in touch with just few of them. When I had graduation celebration in 2006 and wedding in 2007, my mom and I faced a dillema - who to invite and who not. It was like a domino effect - if you invite this and this aunt, you must invite also that and that family... Finally we decided to invite just those few who are the closest and didn't care what the rest would think of us.

[ColleenSwerb]

I'm kind of a b**ch when I hear stuff like this, because I would not invite her and then when the b**ching started, I would tell her to shove it and get on with her life.

But I can be a pretty miserable, so feel free to not take my advice I just don't deal well with people who act like that. I've been known to end friendships over similar behavior, lol.

[Lyd]

Originally Posted by heathergw

I agree with Misty... I also think that 4 years old is old enough to ask him if he wants her there... my guess is that he won't and that would be your answer.

Yeah - he won't care one bit whether she's there or not.

Originally Posted by ColleenSwerb

I'm kind of a b**ch when I hear stuff like this, because I would not invite her and then when the b**ching started, I would tell her to shove it and get on with her life.

But I can be a pretty miserable, so feel free to not take my advice I just don't deal well with people who act like that. I've been known to end friendships over similar behavior, lol.

Honestly, this is my first instinct as well. But, it's been hard in the past because she IS family and I DO have to deal with her. My mom gets really frustrated with the whole thing too, but they have had such a close relationship for most of their lives, it's pretty much impossible to write her off entirely.

I'm leaning toward not inviting her. Hopefully, she'll just never know the event even took place.

[lauren grier]

the whole "no one is making me a priority" bit is when i was done reading, rolled my eyes...skimmed to the bottom and decided, no.. no i would not invite her. Truth is.. she's not a priority. She's an extended family member and she needs to get a grip. period. I don't invite my cousins to anything. ever.

[DawnMarch]

So, it sounds like she is basically equivalent to an aunt for you, so I would treat her like you do your other aunt or any aunts and uncles your husband may have -- that is, I would not invite her unless you were inviting other aunts and uncles.

[Kjersti]

I'm the odd man out.....
Yes - invite her

[Sharon Kay]

Originally Posted by ltarbox

Yeah - he won't care one bit whether she's there or not.



Honestly, this is my first instinct as well. But, it's been hard in the past because she IS family and I DO have to deal with her. My mom gets really frustrated with the whole thing too, but they have had such a close relationship for most of their lives, it's pretty much impossible to write her off entirely.

I'm leaning toward not inviting her. Hopefully, she'll just never know the event even took place.

...and if questioned later ... well we just invited IMMEDIATE family ... and that is all ... you didn't miss out on a big reunion. ...ran into that here some as well ... and now ahem SHE doesn't ask any more.

[robinforman]

I am with the majority, meaning that I would probably not invite her.

If you do include her, and not the other aunt/cousin people, then you would be making her a priority over others meaning her whining would have worked. It sounds like she is straining relationships currently and would only make peeps that you DID want there (like your mom) uncomfortable.

[Lyd]

Originally Posted by Sharon Kay

...and if questioned later ... well we just invited IMMEDIATE family ... and that is all ... you didn't miss out on a big reunion. ...ran into that here some as well ... and now ahem SHE doesn't ask any more.

That's what we are always saying to her and she just doesn't get it. She thinks we are intentionally leaving her out of things because she's single - or some other crazy reason.

And, I don't think she gets how often we do invite her when we aren't inviting other aunts/uncles/cousins because we know she doesn't have a family of her own (and because we don't want to hear the whining later).

Thanks gals - I mostly just needed to vent because I was really bugged by the stuff she said to my mom. Grrr. My mom has been one of the people who has gone out of her way to include this cousin in things. Anyway . . . thanks for listening to my rant.

[joelsgirl]

I think she sounds lonely; I'm with Kjersti--invite her. Not because you HAVE to but because you are blessed to have so much family, to not have to be alone and because when you're faced with the choice to make someone feel loved, you choose to love. You don't owe it to her for sure, and you wouldn't be wrong not to include her, but you'd be like extra good if you did invite her.

[Darcy Baldwin]

Originally Posted by joelsgirl

I think she sounds lonely; I'm with Kjersti--invite her. Not because you HAVE to but because you are blessed to have so much family, to not have to be alone and because when you're faced with the choice to make someone feel loved, you choose to love. You don't owe it to her for sure, and you wouldn't be wrong not to include her, but you'd be like extra good if you did invite her.

+1

[Lyd]

Awww - Kellie and Darcy (and Kjersti) - you guys are totally right. I must admit I have a hard time going to the "love" place right off the bat, which I'm sure is obvious from my rant in the thread. I'm kind of irritable by nature. But, it is always good to be reminded that when given a choice, love is the best way to go.

[Milmomma]

As someone with very little family on my father's side, and being out of area I never get invited to anything. I don't bug about it, but will side with the Love side. You don't have to if its that big of a deal but making someone happy is it not the way to go?

[jacinda]

You know what we do? We ask the PARTY CHILD who they want at their birthday. Doesn't matter who I or Daddy or Nana wants at the party. It's the kid's day, let them choose. Last year my dd turned 6. I told her she could invite 6 people to her party (not counting our family or her grandparents). She chose 6 school friends. While her cousins would have loved to come, it was her choice at the end of the day. (Although if I said she could invite 20, she totally would have included them on her list). She understood that she saw her cousins often enough, and that she'd get their presents another weekend or the next time they visited. Everyone was happy. No politics. Anyone asks, say it was the child's choice.

[MamaBee]

Originally Posted by joelsgirl

I think she sounds lonely; I'm with Kjersti--invite her. Not because you HAVE to but because you are blessed to have so much family, to not have to be alone and because when you're faced with the choice to make someone feel loved, you choose to love. You don't owe it to her for sure, and you wouldn't be wrong not to include her, but you'd be like extra good if you did invite her.

+2

I come from a very small family... like I can count all my relatives on my mom's side on both hands! And my dad's side... well, I need my toes for that one... so, I don't understand a huge family dynamic, so I just want to give a hug to you, dealing with family is never easy... Ha, I guess that is why they say, "you can pick your friends, but not who is your family"