Need Advice

[Jengerbread88]

Okay, so I don't know how well any of you know my situation or whatever. But here's the deal.

I'm 21 years old (22 in December). I'm living at home with my parents following my divorce. Recently, my boyfriend and I have been kind of discussing the possibility of moving in together in the semi-near future. While we WANT to get married, right now, I have an issue with my scholarship that stipulates I can't get married. If I want my school tuition to be completely paid for (it's not a discrimination thing, it's an income bracket/funding thing), I can't be married. We don't really want to wait the 2 years to be together that it will take me to get out of school. So we're trying to find some sort of compromise, and we thought this was a reasonable one.

Here's the big problem: my parents. Naturally, they are against the idea. While on the one hand, I'm an adult, on the other hand, I am a little bit concerned about making waves.
While CLEARLY I know that this is the man I want to be with forever, I know from a realistic perspective that just because it's who you want to be with forever, doesn't mean things work out like that. I have to be realistic in that area- I've already gotten divorced once. Mind you, it was an abusive situation, but the point is still the same: Suppose I move in with him, and a year from now, we end up not being able to live together any more for whatever reason. While it's obviously worst case scenario, I can afford to move out WITH him... I can't so much afford to stay moved out WITHOUT him. If anything happened to him, God forbid, I'm not sure what I would do. While I don't think he and I are going to break up, I'm more worried about if something were to happen to him (car accident, sudden illness, whatever) and I ended up on my own before I graduate and can get a job... where to, then? If I move out, my parents won't let me move back.

Here is my main concern:

If this is the way we're doing things... how do I tell my family? If I just tell them "this is the plan..." they're not going to be okay with it. They may do anything in their power (locking me in a closet, tying me to a chair, whatever) to keep me here, because they WILL think it's a terrible idea. If I don't tell them, and just... find a way to covertly leave... OBVIOUSLY that will make some waves in my relationship with my family. What do you suggest?

I mean, in the end, yes, I'm an adult. I'm old enough to make this decision, and ultimately, it IS my decision. But I worry. My family does mean a lot to me. I don't want to hurt things there. At the same time, they're driving me nuts. It's really hard to go from living in my own place... to living back at home with my parents (who have the logical "my house my rules" thing, which, as I said, is logical, but sometimes we butt heads), my 10 year old brother (who is sweet, but sometimes bugs the heck out of me), and our teenage exchange students (again, sweet, but holy crap they irritate me sometimes). It's a difficult adjustment. To be honest, I think I NEED this. Since I *can't* afford to live just by myself, this is the logical solution.

He wants to find a place to live where he doesn't have to live with his roommates (he adores them, don't get me wrong, but he would like more than just a room, but instead room/kitchen/etc that is... just his/ours and less worry about interfering with their schedule). I want to find a place where I don't have to live with my parents. Since we can't afford to do that by getting two separate places, and since the obvious plan is that, sometime in the future we WILL live together, we want to go ahead and spring for it now.

.....but how?
HELP! What do I do?! What do I tell the 'rents? Can you give me perspective from either side??? Any of you been in my shoes (or in my parents' shoes?) I just want to know what you think I should do...


(PS. Sorry for the novel)

[fruitysuet]

There are lots of issues here and without knowing more details it's hard to say.

From a parental point of view they are obviously feeling very protective of you given the previous abusive relationship.

I don't know at what age you first got married, how long you were together for, how long you were single before the current boyfriend or how long you and he have been together for. I would need to know before making a more considered judgement.

As an initial gut feeling though, with assumptions I am making that may not be correct, if I was your parent, I would be worried about you making another big commitment at such a young age. The first one didn't work out and they obviously feel, for whatever reason, that the decision to move in with the new guy isn't a great judgement call on your behalf.

It sounds to me like you have had a taste of 'freedom' living away from home and are feeling too restricted living by your parents' household rules rather than your own. Are you sure you want to move out because you want to be with the boyfriend or because you will get your 'freedom' back?

If it is because you want to be with your boyfriend then you have to take that leap of faith that everything will work out.

If it is because you want your freedom then you need to be able to do so on your own financial footing and not rely on the boyfriend as your escape plan.

If you are feeling vulnerable about the future, well that's life, those sort of decisions always carry the risk that things won't work out. If you aren't able to put your own back up plan into place at that point then I think you need to wait until you can.

21 is still such a young age. I was 22 when I got married and even that I consider young in today's generation (I'm 46 now).

I applaud you for putting your education first and think that you need to continue to do that as it will provide a sound base for which to provide your own stability, regardless of boys or parents, in the future.

If I was your parent, I would be extremely wary of you moving into another intense relationship at such a young age and would also be looking to dissuade you. If the relationship between you and boyfriend is strong enough and he cares so much for you, then I don't understand why there is a big problem in continuing to live apart and build on what you have got together with the support of your family.

I figure that you don't actually want to hear me say this though.

[Leila]

I agree with every word Suzanne wrote. Every. Single. Word.

No matter what your reasons for wanting to live with him, no matter what your parents reasons for wanting you to stay in their home--DO NOT MOVE OUT until you can afford to do it by yourself. At 19, I moved out of my Grammy's home to be with someone. While I don't regret living with this person, I do regret not being more financially stable. I truly think it set a precedent for all the money troubles I've had along the way.

[ColleenSwerb]

I feel too young to be giving advice (27), but I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies. If you can't afford to move out and live on your own, then you shouldn't move out. I think it's great that so far you've put your education first, but please don't jeopardize that because you're feeling cramped at home. Your education stays with you forever, this man might not. I'm not saying that you shold live your life in fear that he's going to disappear, but the only responsible thing to do is realistically look at the situation. If worst case, he's out of the picture and you can't afford to live on your own, then you shouldn't move out. A LOT of things can happen in 2 years.

When I was your age, not a single friggen thing that I *knew* would be happening, happened. Life just doesn't work that way, for anyone. I wouldn't risk my scholarship on a relationship, that's just not the responsible thing to do.

[KateD]

If you really want to get out of the house - and I can totally understand not wanting to live with your parents anymore - would it be possible to find a female roommate? I know there are potential problems with that, too, but at least if things didn't work out you'd still have a good relationship with your parents and a home to go back to.

[newfiemountiewife]

I agree with Col, and I'm even older

I was lucky, what I thought would happen at age 21 did, I am married to the man I was with then, we have 3 kids, and we've been together 14 years now. But not without some hardships along the way.

I was not going to school at the time, I was out working, so it was a little different. I could afford to move out and move on at any time, and that was empowering to me. I think you need to be able to do that FIRST, because ultimately, if you and the boyfriend break up, you'll end up back with your parents again.

I'm not saying you won't be together for the long haul or anything, but I think any person in this day and age needs their own independence. Good luck whatever you decide!

[Jengerbread88]

See? This is why I ask you guys. I don't want to hear what my parents have to say on the issue, but you guys are an outside perspective, and you guys make great points. The more we discuss it, the more we plan on waiting a lot longer to consider it. It just seems like the smarter thing to do. I mean, if we truly are going to stay together for the long haul, then WHEN we move in together doesn't really matter as much.

As for finding a female roommate, honestly, I don't get along with girls. At all. I don't really have any female friends at all. I don't really WANT to move in with a girl, even if I just find one randomly online (rather than trying to figure something out with a friend). I'm better off at home with my parents.

[ColleenSwerb]

I'm really glad that you could look at it from a different perspective and make an informed decision. That shows how mature you are. A lot of people would have gotten mad that we weren't saying what they wanted to hear, and stormed off and done what they wanted anyway.

But this? This is the most important thing. I'm glad you realize this
I mean, if we truly are going to stay together for the long haul, then WHEN we move in together doesn't really matter as much.

[Jengerbread88]

I told him that we can talk about it again in 6 months, when we'll know a little better where we both stand financially, and it will be more clear when school will be ending for me. Right now I have 39 classes left, and I take 20 per year, which means I should be done in Dec. 2012 (right in time for the end of the world!!! Haha).

I just figure if we talk about it again in 6 months, maybe my situation or his will have changed and we'll be better able to figure it out. It gives us a time to look forward to in the discussions (more definite than, eh... let's wait and see!!) and also helps us figure out where we're at before then. It gives us time to both do our research, see what our options are, and decide from there. It will help me see if MY financial situation changes any-- who knows, by then, I MIGHT be able to afford living on my own even if something happens.

I think that this is the best option for us, and I'm so glad you guys could give me the perspective where I step back and think about it a little more, rather than leaping in headfirst. At this point, I'm so frustrated with my parents that I probably wouldn't have listened to their reasoning, but hearing the same reasoning from a third party is a lot easier for me to listen to right now.

Thank you all!!! You're the bestestest.

[CA Dreamer]

I don't have anything else to say that the other peeps have not said so well.

One thing to consider is maybe coming to a common ground with your parents? Putting your past relationship aside, I think a lot of parents and adult children find it hard to figure out the right combination of freedom and control. I can understand your parents concern, but I remember when I would come back even just for school breaks from college and it was a rub. Maybe there is something you can work out on that front?

[jessica31876]

Well my daughter just graduated high school in June. She is almost 19. When she graduated she just told us she was moving out. That was it. She loves us...that wasn't the point. She was ready to be on her own and nothing I said was going to change he mind. Believe me I tried. I would still rather her be at home then on her own. I think it would be easier for her. So my advice is to really search your heart and see what you feel is right and have a heart to heart talk with your parents if you think moving out is the right thing to do. They are your parents...they probably wont like the idea. Like I said I hated the idea. But I still love my daughter. Nothing will change that. I also still tell her what I think. Sometimes she takes my advice, sometimes she doesn't. It is part of being an adult though is to make mistakes. And if she ever decided that living on her own was not right for her well her bed is still here for her and she is welcome back home anyday and Im sure your parents would feel the same no matter how upset they might be about you moving out.

[Paula]

I totally agree with the others. If you move out, make sure YOU can pay for it on your own. You'll feel so much better about yourself if you do that. I was 21 when I got married 22 years ago and it was extremely hard at times. Make sure it's what you want and that you can pay for it. I love that you're determined to finish your education - with that you'll be able to do anything.