NSBR: Wedding Ettiquette

[Kat Stokes]

Okay, so my sister is getting married in April and I was TOLD I'm her maid/matron of honor and she has one other bridesmaid. Question:

Do the maid/matron of honor and the bridesmaid have to wear the same dress? If not, can one wear a tea-length and the other wear a long one? Do they have to be the exact same color and material?

Basically, my sister wants me to wear a long dress in lavender color. I hate lavender! And, I HATE the color purple on me unless it's almost a deep plumish purple and I really don't like long dresses. However, I did find one that I liked but she doesn't want that one because she said it won't look good on the other girl because she has no b*st and I have a huge one!!! Plus the other girl has extremely fair skin and I have a light olive complexion. Earlier my sis said that we could wear silver if we wanted but from her phone call last night it sounds like she is insisting we wear lavender now....

I guess it comes down to I don't feel that I should have to spend $100+ on a dress that I will never wear again (but I will if I absolutely have to). WDYT?

[BrattyMeg]

I've seen many weddings where the Maid/Matron of honor wears a diff dress and length. They have always been the same color though (not sure about material)

Me personally..I'd ask for the diff dress that you feel comfy in and maybe compromise on the same lavendar color? Most bridal stores can order a custom color and lavendar is pretty popular. I know it stinks to spend $$ on a dress that will only get worn once..maybe twice if the occasion comes up lol

Good luck

[Leila]

Honestly, it's all about what the bride wants. My best friend got married a little over a year ago and she tortured the good majority of her bridesmaids simply because the salesgirl told her that the dress she chose for us "looks good on everyone." Believe me, we all tried talking to her about it, but she was immovable. The dress itself was gorgeous, but strapless with a huge sash right over the stomach just isn't flattering on a larger woman. So that dress looked good on one bridesmaid (there were five of us including the maid and matron of honor) and the two junior bridesmaids. All of whom were thin!

Explain your concerns to your sister though, she may well agree to go along with you on it.

[AmyM]

Oh honey, I know how you feel! I've been in 4 weddings and every one of them was dreadful. The last was my best friend of 26 years. She had us wear the most hideous things....two piece. Shirt in white skirt in powder pink. A blouse type thing with a high waisted fitted skirt. All her other bridesmaids were stick skinny, no boobs...the dresses looked perfect on them. Me, I stuck out like a sore thumb and thought I was going to die in that wretched thing. Best of all, it cost me nearly $300 and I so didn't have that much to spend.
My experience with these pesky weddings is, just do what the bride wants and make her happy for one day. I know that's not fun, but I think it's best. If you don't want to spend that much money (I wouldn't either) on something you'll never wear again- who would really- then maybe you could just tell her that you don't have the money for it and if she wants you to wear it could she please help you pay for it?

[ZaCola3]

I have been to weddings where the matron of honor wears a different dress, even a different color than the bridesmaids. It has always been the contrasting color, which looks nice imo.
Honestly however, it does come down to what your sis wants I think, I have been in 4 weddings and NEVER worn any of my dresses again. They hang in my closet...close to $950 worth of very pretty one occasion dresses, just hanging there.
I hope you get a good resolution Kat!
I'm sure you will look beautiful in whatever she chooses.

[Teresa]

Well.....having been on the bride end of things recently and the bridesmaid side plenty of times too, once you agree to be in the wedding (which from the sounds of it, you weren't even asked, which royally stinks....) it's pretty much "what the bride says goes" and buying the dress/shoes/hair/makeup is usually taken on by the bridesmaid. After researching wedding etiquette for a long time....guys on the bride's side, different colored dresses, different lengths, shades, styles, anything goes! I've been on the receiving end of awful dresses (lavendar?? I agree with you on the plum/aubergine....!) and decided for my wedding to ask the bridesmaids to have as much input as possible and asked them about styles/cost/etc. all the way through (the dresses were black, two-piece, tea-length and 2 of the girls have already worn their dresses to other weddings, which totally makes me happy!).

Unfortunately, I don't think it happens that way in most weddings, but if you're close to your sister, maybe you could go shopping with her for dresses? Maybe suggest/try on dresses in other colors (or variations of what she thinks she wants)? And/or send her a few swatches of wedding color suggestions (try Martha Stewart, Real Simple, Ann Taylor (has a gorgeous midnight blue color out right now), The Knot, etc.). I hope you guys can come to an agreement!! It can get to be a sore subject even in the best of situations with all the general stress of wedding planning....I hope it all works out for the best! (And show us some pics!).

T.

[lisarose]

I've been to weddings where the bridesmaids had the same style of dress, but in different colours. My favourite was one who had 5 bridesmaids and the colours were navy, yellow, orange and purple. The flowers had all the colours together but it really was such a bright and cheery bridal party.

Unfortunately I agree that the bride should have the last say, seeing as it's really the bride and groom's day afterall.

However, for my wedding, I did make sure my bridesmaids (2 sisters and SIL) were happy with the dress (seeing as they paid for it), and I chose colours and styles that did actually look good on all 3 of them. I just thought that was the nice thing to do.

But, not all brides think like that!! My sister was a bridesmaid and the dress was so bad. She was made to wear a tight, light coloured dress which looked so yuck - and she's not a small girl - every buldge and roll was on display for the whole workd to see!!! It only looked good on one girl.. who had no fat on her at all!!

LOL sorry for the tangent.... im bored at work

[Kat Stokes]

Good news! We (sis & I) found something we both like and I will even be able to wear it again on our cruise next year. And it's b/w!!!! No lavender!!! YAY!!! After she saw the lavender on me she decided I was right and it is not my color. Here's the dress...

[Traci Reed]

Is that dress Jessica McClintock? I bought it for a prom one year It's vry pretty!

[tracey]

Very Pretty Kat! I am sure you will look fab!! Glad you guys came to an agreement!

[ajf9597]

That dress is gorgeous!!!

[Kat Stokes]

Thanks guys! No, Trac, it's not a Jessica but I'm not sure of the maker. Heck, I was happy that it's only costing $95!!! And, I think the b/w is going to be much more elegant with just the lavender flowers and decorations.

[lisarose]

oooh thats a gorgeous dress!! It will look awesome with the purple flowers I'm glad it has all worked out

[Teresa]

Yeah!! So glad you were able to come to an agreement- and black/white will look stunning!!

[ditzyscrap]

Awesome dress!!

When I got married I had 3 bridesmaids, so my maid of honor wore a dusty rose dress and the other 2 wore periwinkle - it just happened to work out that way, lol - a bridal store was closing down, they had 3 dresses in the same style and in the exact sizes I needed - so I grabbed all 3 (after taking 2 of the bridesmaids with me for sizing and trying on the one for my sister who was the same size as me) for $75 apiece.

[Stacey42]

Very nice dress. If that's been available 15 years ago I would have my bridesmaids wear it I was pretty laid back about it as a bride. I told them the main wedding colors were black, white & purple (sent them a swatch) and told them to find whatever they liked in an evening dress, that fit the color scheme. 3 bridemaids, 3 different dresses but it worked out well.

[pbumbaca]

That is a beautiful dress! So glad you and your sis worked it out.

When I got married my maid of honor wore rose and the bridesmaids wore burgundy. The dresses were all the same tho.

My cousin just got married last year and the bridesmaids all work chocolate brown and the maid of honor wore cream but her dress had a brown sash. But it was a completely different dress than the bridesmaids too!

[newfiemountiewife]

ooooh that new dress is lovely! I'm glad you all worked something out!

[Christy Lyle]

That's a stunning dress, Kathi! Glad you were able to work things out

[donnelsl]

Congrats on finding a dress you're all happy with (and that you might be able to use again)!

When I was married in September 2006 I picked the color and let each girl pick the style they liked the best. Actually, that's not 100% true - I picked a color, and my sister (who was also my Best Lady - she refused to be called "maid" of honor) decided a different color looked better on her and asked me to change It all worked well though, I ended up liking the color she picked better - plus I can use it for leverage when she gets married.

It did work out well though, each girl was able to pick a dress they were comfortable and felt good in.




I've seen lots of wedding though where the maid of honor's dress is a different color or shade than the bridesmaids' dresses.

[MikkelPaige]

Glad to hear you came to an agreement! And fabulous you'll be able to wear it again!

[Joan]

The dress is gorgeous! I'm so happy you got to work it out and get something you'll be happy in and can wear again.

I've been in 3 bridal parties, and had the 3 hideous dresses that I would never, and could never, wear again to prove it. (All 3 long gone from my wardrobe now!) It's such a wonderful idea to just pick a colour or colour scheme and allow each bridesmaid to pick a dress they love and will be comfortable in. How many weddings have we all been at where you see one or most of the bridal party crammed into something they never should be wearing, looking uncomfortable and awkward and wishing they could shrink out of view. It's so unfair and doesn't make for a good experience or memories for all involved imo.

I do agree it's ultimately about pleasing the bride, as it's her day. However, I often think they could use a serious reality check, and that they'd actually come to appreciate it when looking back on things in the years to come.

I tried to keep my wedding casual, and told my bridesmaids to get a black dress that they like. Even though I was fairly laid back, though, I look back at little things I got really hung up on at the time and they're so silly to me now. Nothing major, thank goodness, but it needs to be about enjoying the day and having fun, and if everyone is doing that, you'll have memories and photos you'll cherish forever, no matter what everyone is wearing!

[ColleenSwerb]

I've never been a bridesmaid, but I am a bride to be. I'm SO glad that you came to an awesome compromise on the dress.

My colors are black white and red, and my maids will be in black. I don't care what style the dress is (halter, strapless, etc) as long as it's black, and has a satin-y finish. I'm leaning towards tea length, but I don't know that I'll ask them all to wear the same length. I figure everyone needs a little black dress, so they might as well get a dress that they LOVE and will be able to wear a lot after my wedding

[Kat Stokes]

Your girls looked great donnels!!! I am soooooo happy with this dress. It's totally not what I had in mind before we went looking but I'm really looking forward to wearing it now!

Now to plan the shower... She's only having about 50 guests at the wedding so its going to be a small shower thank goodness!

Thanks for all of your tips, suggestions, ideas and comments. They are very much appreciated!

[cheltzey]

My sister has that same dress, but the option with sleeves! It's very pretty, and you'll definitely get to wear it again. Good compromise.

My sister just got married, and all she asked was that we wear red. I love when brides do that, since everyone can pick out a dress and shade that is flattering to them, and the monochromatic scheme looks great in photos. I didn't even have "bridesmaids" at my wedding since I didn't want to deal with it and it just feels weird asking someone to spend $100s on a dress for ME. I say to heck with tradition and do what makes you happy!