I'm @#%$^$@^ done.

[Jengerbread88]

Sorry. But seriously. I'm just over it. Sorry to vent again but oh. my. gosh. Kyle. Zach's dad. I'm just about fed up with the whole thing.

He showed up at the hospital. I guess one of our mutual friends on facebook let him know his son was born, which is TOTALLY fine. I had told him before he was welcome to be a part of Zach's life, so, I'm totally okay with him showing up.

He showed up. Emptyhanded. WITH someone (a close friend of his). He didn't speak. His friend asked about Zach's stats (when he was born, how much he weighed, etc). Kyle sat in silence. Finally he asked a question! "So how's the turtle?" Um. Seriously? You show up and all you care about is that dumb animal? What about your SON?! Then, he and his friend proceeded to talk about work the rest of the short time they were here. He took a quick photo with Zach, and left. The end.

Next day he comes back. My mom was gone, so it was just me in the room. Zach was with the pediatrician getting checked out, so he wasn't even in the room, and I was getting ready to leave for a chest Xay, so I wasn't going to be there but for a few more minutes. I let Kyle know this, and he went and sat down anyway.

He said "So what exactly do you expect from me?" "Um... some support would be nice. In SOME way. Maybe actually ASK about your son, instead of sitting there talking about work and asking about the turtle?" "Don't be catty. I need support and encouragement to be a father."

I said "I'm not even going to touch that one. You need support and encouragement to be a father?!" "Yes. What's wrong with that?" "Where's my support and encouragement to be a mother? You just DO it. It's part of making a kid!"

He said "I supported you." "How exactly?"
"I was there for most of the first trimester. And I bought you some clothes." (Um, 2 outfits. As my Valentine's Day gifts. Which he held receipts for and later said I owed him money for).

He kept picking. And picking. And talking about how he didn't even want Zach. I said "Yeah. I know. Because all you do with your kids is abandon or murder them." Yes. It was mean. Yes. I shouldn't have said it. But. This guy has more than one child (one I know of for sure, but he's made allusions to others) that he has NO involvement with, plus I know his most recent girlfriend before me, he convinced to have SIX abortions. Even after she sat there during the last one holding the remains crying. Seriously? I told him to get a vasectomy so he'd stop knocking up girls with kids he won't raise.

Anyway. I seriously went off on him. He said "How am I supposed to know what to buy Zach? I mean, he's a kid? What do they even need?" (Omg. You're 30 and don't know what a baby needs?) I said "Well. Diapers would be good. You can never have enough of those. By the way, how did a room full of 30 strangers know what to buy Zach for the baby shower, got exactly what he needed and wanted, but you, his own father, can't think of ANYTHING he might possibly need?"

I forgot to even kind of try to be polite. He just kept saying stupid things. I suggested several things he could buy for Zach. I said "Well, he needs a mattress still. Diapers and wipes, of course." etc etc etc. He said "I guess I could go to goodwill and see if they have any crib mattresses."


Oh. My. God. Stay away from my child. Seriously.

We had a lot of other things that were volleyed back and forth. And no, I wasn't polite. But I got my point across.

Fast forward to today. He comes back. He walks in the room. He sits in the chair. And says almost nothing. For THREE HOURS.
The pediatrician came in and let me know that Zach's eye infection tested positive for a certain strain of bacteria, and mentioned it could be E. Coli, so he was running some blood tests on Zach and if they were positive, he'd have to go to the NICU. (They were neg. by the way- he's on drops and should be TOTALLY fine with no problems or NICU visits). When I called my mom to tell her about it, I started crying.

He rolled his eyes.

OKAY. Then the worst part. He's sitting in the room when my mom gets here. Then he starts saying "Oh. Well, Zach's not going to stay brown-haired like you. Tucker came out brown haired but I think it fell out and he turned blonde." Mom said "Tucker?" He announced it's "Zach's brother" (Not "my son?") (I knew about this. So did mom, but, well, she might have been fishing for info... lol). My first thought was "You THINK it turned blonde?" but I didn't say anything.

Mom just casually asked "Oh! I didn't know you had another son. Do you see him often?" "No." "Oh. Do you guys talk?" "No." "Oh." "Well, I mean, I pay child support on him." I looked at him and said "Paying child support doesn't make you a father." He said "Well, she didn't really want me in the picture." Then mom... I love my mom.... mom said "That's no good! Were you there for her during her pregnancy and everything?" (SILENCE). "I had a lot more on my plate than just her pregnancy."

In other words... no.

Anyway. He's shown no interest in his son since April. When he DOES show up, he just sits there. No talking, no nothing. Seriously, just sits there.

And then he says he needs SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT to be a father?!

Whatever. He's a jerk. I'm just.... done.

And I did tell him, if he ditches Zach one more time, he's out of the picture for good. During the last 2 trimesters of my pregnancy was abandonment enough. I'm not letting him stick around to just break my son's heart.

Gah. Sorry. I'm done ranting. I'm just SO frickin' irritated.

[color of my heart]

{{ hugs }}

[Shawna]

Ugh it sucks that you have to deal with him right now, especially after all you've been through. I think if he keeps just showing up at the hospital it might be best to just have someone ask or flat out tell him he needs to leave because his presence is only upsetting you and really you and Zach don't need that added stress in your life right now.

[AmberK]

What about terminating his parental rights?

[rach3975]

{{hugs}} The first few weeks after giving birth are hard enough without this kind of stress. I'm glad to hear that Zach is doing well.

As for Zach's father, I think you should show him "support and encouragment" by giving him a book (or maybe just an internet printout, since it sounds like that's as far as his attention would stretch) about newborns. His track record doesn't make it seem like he'll stay involved, but maybe if he's less clueless it'll be easier for you to be around him.

[Jengerbread88]

Originally Posted by AmberK

What about terminating his parental rights?

He has none. He refused to sign the birth certificate.

[Happy Now]

My heart hurts for you and Zach that you are going through this... Sending you warm wishes that all of you will find the peace you need to recover and move forward! Enjoy that sweet little boy!

[adrianka]

Might sound rude, but doesn't he know about the existence of condoms? I'm seriously fascinated.

However, that's beside the point. I think this is the last thing you need after having given birth, so I just hope he will stop annoying you like this.

*hugs*

ETA: Just read that he refused to sign the birth certificate. How does it work with paying child support if he didn't sign it?

[brooke22]

I'm sorry your going through this now, he sounds like a real piece of work.

But I have to say, at least your finding all this out about him now and not later on when Zach is old enough to remember. One can only hope he sorts his self out one way or another before it truly affects Zach.

[abm234]

Not that its any of my business....but sometimes an uninvolved father may actually be a blessing to you. Could you imagine giving Zach to him every other weekend? Every other Christmas? 2 weeks every summer? It would break your heart. And probably be dangerous by the sound of things. Sooooo, maybe having this guy in his life is really not in Zach's best interest?

My now sister in law was devastated that the father of her baby would have nothing to do with them. However, she met my brother when her baby was just a few months old, they married, my brother adopted him, and now he's OURS. And we never have to share him with some lame sperm donor.

Not that its any of my business.

Amy

[Jengerbread88]

Originally Posted by adrianka

ETA: Just read that he refused to sign the birth certificate. How does it work with paying child support if he didn't sign it?

I'm not fighting him for child support. I don't want child support, or anything from him. Personally, I'd be fine if he just left altogether, because he's not good for Zach.

Also, he refuses to use condoms. I MADE him, but, surprise, it broke.... so the one time he uses one, it wasn't exactly successful (and for the record, I've already been tested, THREE times. I wasn't going to take any chances after that).

[Jengerbread88]

Originally Posted by abm234

Not that its any of my business....but sometimes an uninvolved father may actually be a blessing to you. Could you imagine giving Zach to him every other weekend? Every other Christmas? 2 weeks every summer? It would break your heart. And probably be dangerous by the sound of things. Sooooo, maybe having this guy in his life is really not in Zach's best interest?

Amy, I don't WANT him in Zach's life. I want him out of it. ASAP. But he's sitting there insisting on being in it-- he wants all the rights to decisions, etc, about Zach, but no responsibility (paying for him, spending time with him, etc).

Trust me, I will do everything in my power, court-wise, to NOT let Zach ever go with him for visitation. And, because I can prove he's a drug dealer, it's not happening anyway. Any court who would give him rights to take Zach for the weekend is ridiculous.

I didn't want him on the birth certificate- that wasn't the issue. The issue is, he refused to sign it, but still wants all this involvement, but he's going to bail. I'd rather he just bailed NOW, and not hurt Zach emotionally later. But, it's not happening.

[adrianka]

Originally Posted by Jengerbread88

I'm not fighting him for child support. I don't want child support, or anything from him. Personally, I'd be fine if he just left altogether, because he's not good for Zach.

Maybe it would, indeed, be for the best. To never see him, never have him be involved with Zach, and never molesting you again. Will wish you luck.

Originally Posted by Jengerbread88

Also, he refuses to use condoms. I MADE him, but, surprise, it broke.... so the one time he uses one, it wasn't exactly successful (and for the record, I've already been tested, THREE times. I wasn't going to take any chances after that).

That's pretty crazy to refuse using them and then sending his girlfriends for abortion. Or having a bunch of children he doesn't take care of. Totally irresponsible. You're well rid of him!

[Jenn Barrette]

I am sorry he is stressing you out so much right now I would get a lawyer to draw up some paper work saying that you have full custody, and terminating any rights as the biological father.

My parents divorced when I was 2, and my Dad was in and out of my life; never being a real father, but because he did the fun weekend stuff (movies, takeout food, letting me stay up late etc) it poisoned my relationship with my mother. It took me a long time to realize he was a bad father, even though he would cancel our weekends together at the last minute, only pay child support sporadically, and not be there for me when I really needed him.

[SweetMelissa]

I agree with Jenn. I would go to a lawyer and have something written up that clearly states he is terminating any rights as bio father and that he knows what that means/ect. This way he can't come back in 10 years and say well I was wrong then and I want visitation now/ect.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. He sounds like a loser.

[AmyG]

Poor chickie! I don't have any advice beyond refuse contact and get a great lawyer. I'm most def praying for you and Zach.

[rachaelsscraps]

I agree with what everyone else is saying. Just go to a lawyer and get some papers drawn up. It won't be a hard case for the lawyers, seeing that he's refusing to sign the birth certificate. And get that certificate sent in without his signature ASAP, if it's sitting in the hospital, he could get the nurses to give it to him and get a paternity test so he can get on the birth certificate. I don't know if that's his eventual intention, but it sounds like he wants be there (probably for his own image) but is being a jerk to you about it.

BIG HUGS! I hope you get it all worked out. Just keep doing what you think is best for that little boy and don't look back!

[Leontine78]

First of all: congratulations with your beautiful son!

Second of all: what an *ss..... I'd say you'd be better of without him...but that's easy for me to say!

[Jengerbread88]

Originally Posted by rachaelsscraps

And get that certificate sent in without his signature ASAP

Already done.

And, I've been working really closely with the hospital social worker, who is giving me some great advice about things I can do.

[scrapsandsass]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It is the last thing you should be having to deal with. It should be a time for happiness and recuperation, not stress and awfulness.

It is definitely a blessing that he isn't signing the birth certificate. Otherwise, you'd have a nightmare on your hands later.

My DD is going through a similar situation. He tried bullying her into an abortion (she got pregnant on the pill) and then he harassed her for months before Kennedy was born. He quit when she threatened him with a restraining order. After Kennedy was born, he wanted to sign the birth certificate, but then he didn't want to have anything to do with Kennedy. He just wants the control. He has come back around twice already and visited with Kennedy *if* he wasn't busy, but expected Jessica to drop everything each time he wanted to change schedule or whatever. And when he did come to visit, he'd steal food from us. Seriously. He'd take stuff off the counters and hide to eat/drink it while he was supposed to be visiting with Kennedy and we were in the other room. One of the times he was hiding in the bathroom bingeing on our food, Kennedy had a febrile seizure and fell off of his little scooter. I raced out to get Kennedy when I heard the fall and called the paramedics. Cody tried to tell them that he was the dad (although he wasn't aware of Kennedy's history with febrile seizures... because it wasn't important enough for him to remember), so he was telling the paramedics that he just had the wind knocked out of him. He was totally grooving on the fact that there were six guys in the room listening to whatever he was saying. And he was also trying to pick up on the nurse once we rushed Kennedy to the hospital.

And he refuses to sign away his parental rights. Now Jessica can't even get a passport for Kennedy (for a weekend trip to Canada) without his permission. It is sick. Cody is currently "on a hunger strike" as he calls it and is refusing to see Kennedy because Jessica won't jump each time he tells her to. It is good for us, but a nightmare in the long run.

She has to find out what she can do legally to be considered as the sole custodian and file papers with the court at some point.

I'm glad you are getting good advice from the social worker there. You should be all set and hopefully things will go smoothly in the future.

Hang in there! Hugs!!!

We need to see more pics of Zach!

[TeriBeary]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. I missed most of the story but I know enough that this "man" doesn't deserve to be a part of any child's life, especially not your little Zach (which I love, BTW, since my oldest is also a Zach!). I hope you can get it all settled quickly and as painfully as possible. Then all you need to have on your mind is your little angel

[Jengerbread88]

Originally Posted by scrapsandsass

We need to see more pics of Zach!

I have taken TONS. But just got home from the hospital today, so hoping to upload them in the next day or two...



As for the Kyle situation... his mom was in the same hospital I was, for different reasons. She came to visit today, and kept saying how I need to be patient with poor Kyle because he's SO sensitive.

Oh. And my favorite. "Well, don't expect any financial support because he's just tapped out financially. He can't even afford the child support for his first son, and it's just not something you can really expect for him to be able to afford. He can't even afford a place to live on his own right now!" I looked at her and I said "Listen, neither can I. We both knew this was bad timing for a kid- I make $400/month TOTAL. I get that money is tight. But maybe if your son would quit the alcohol and cigarettes, he'd have a little more money for his children. Or, maybe he just needs to stop HAVING kids." She was pretty pissed at me, I think. She told me I need to be less rude, and I said "Yes, I was rude to him when he showed up out of the blue. BUT, he was ridiculously awful to me when I was pregnant, and then disappeared since APRIL. So I think I have a little bit of a right to wonder where he was and why he wants all these rights now."

Finally, I have contacted a few lawyers, and found out this little gem:

-If he wants rights to Zach, he'll have to pay for a DNA test (since he refused to be on the birth cert. first time around), then have to pay to revise the birth certificate, AND have to pay for a lawyer who may or may not give him ANY rights to Zach at all. He can't afford any of this, and as soon as he finds out the cost involved, he'll drop it.

-If he WERE to go to court to get rights to Zach, they'd require he pay child support. They can also report to CA (where he's failing to pay child support right now) that he's got child support here, too, and there's a chance he could be extradited to jail in CA for failing to pay, since now KS will have a record of where he's living.

-If he DID get rights to Zach, it would be in civil court. In civil court in KS, they can legally enforce financial matters like child support, but they CANNOT legally enforce visitation rights, which means if he showed up and wanted to hang out with Zach, even if the courts GRANTED those rights, I could simply say "no," and not let him in, and nothing could be done about it (of course, if the courts said he had rights to see him, I don't see me doing that, but if he neglected to support, I could neglect letting him see Zach).

His mother did give me this little gem unintentionally, though... "Don't try to push the financial stuff with Kyle. He's so tapped out at the moment. If you try to make him pay for stuff for Zach, he'll just shut down and not even be there emotionally, and you don't want that, do you?"

Actually, yes I do. Bingo.

[Teresa]

I don't have any real advice...but wanted to express my support for you. I can't imagine how stressful this must be, to have so much extra weighing on your mind and heart as a new mom. I thought of this quote/poem as I read your story and wanted to pass it on. It's helped me put things in perspective a few times and I hoped you might like it too. Best of luck with your little guy and hope you are all feeling much better (about everything) soon.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.