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Old 05-12-2010, 10:12 AM
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Default I'm MAD...need advice!

Okay, first I do NOT want to start a spanking vs. anti spanking debate! But something happened yesterday and I am ANGRY and need some advice.

My 5 year old son loves playing with his 16 year old uncle who lives next door. For reasons I do not want to really get into here, I am not fond of this uncle, and I am always a bit leary (sp?) about him.

Yesterday Jacob and his uncle were wrestling and apparently Jacob somehow (accident or not I do not know and doesnt matter) hit him in the mouth. His uncle spanked him. I did not know this until I called Jacob home and got him and his brother into the bath and saw the very red, welt in the shape of a hand on his bottom. In fact he said it hurt so bad he couldnt sit in the tub.

My husband went over there and basically threatened his life if he ever touched our son again. But this morning there is a bruise on his little bottom and I am spitting mad.

Do I let it go since DH went over and talked to him? What would you do?
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:31 AM
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Hitting a 5 year old hard enough to leave a bruise is more than just "spanking", IMO. I would not let my son spend time unsupervised with someone who did something like that.

ETA: Oh, and I would be furious too, but it sounds like your husband has already yelled at the uncle, so I'm not sure I'd do anything else.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:35 AM
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Amy - I think you guys need to sit down with his parents, as well - and definitely no more unsupervised time, ever.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:41 AM
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Anyone who left a bruise on my child intentionally, I'm not sure I could personally leave it at just a 'talking to'. That being said, I'm not sure what else you can do though. My knee jerk reaction involves the authorities but we know knee jer reactions aren't always the best. Plus, it's family which further complicates it. I have a 17 year old brother and if I found out he hit one of my children hard enough to leave a bruise, I don't know what I'd do but it wouldn't be pretty!
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:43 AM
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This uncles parent is Brandon (DH's) mom, dad is not in the picture. It's a pretty dysfunctional situation...I'm pretty sure that she saw it and did nothing, pretty much how she just sat there and watched when DH went and talked to him. If we did not live directly next door to each other it would be easier! I talked to my son about it last night and let him know that no one should ever do that to him, and that there is never anything that he cannot tell mommy and daddy. But I think I am going to keep him here for a couple days while I cool off enough to go over and speak to them about it.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:45 AM
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Amy - in that case, I would make sure you've documented everything - get pics, etc.

The only real recourse you have is bringing in the authorities. You guys have to judge if that's something you want to pursue, but make sure you get pics now.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:47 AM
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IDK what I would do...Ive been there and my initial reaction was anger and I told my husband it should be reported but then made the decision that my kids would just not be allowed to be at this relatives house and it took me a long time to let them visit alone again and only after I told the person that if they ever hurt my child in any way I would be pressing charges.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:56 AM
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Spanking does not leave bruises...beating does...that was not a spanking.

I would definitely not let your son play with his uncle alone again any time soon. I would also take a picture and show it to the uncle...maybe he didn't realize how hard he hit him to begin with. And also tell him that disciplining your son is your job, not his.
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:57 AM
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I think I will do that. Because in my gut this kid just makes me really uneasy.
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Originally Posted by Darcy Baldwin View Post
Amy - in that case, I would make sure you've documented everything - get pics, etc.

The only real recourse you have is bringing in the authorities. You guys have to judge if that's something you want to pursue, but make sure you get pics now.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:00 AM
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Umm...I would seriously freak out! I know your family situation so I know that honestly there isn't much you can do other than keep J away from him for a while and talk to him(J) about why.

Although having DH threaten him with the pics of the bruise might make him to think twice about touching him again...kwim?
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:05 AM
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Wow. Thats insane. Im so sorry for your little boy I agree with everyone else here. Make sure you take a picture of everything and document. However, if you call the authorities in later, I dont know how that might affect your "case"? Not sure if something like this should or needs to be reported immediately (if you chose to do so). Keep that in mind.

Did he do this bare bottom? Because that's just horrible if he left that kind of mark THROUGH his clothing. Scary. Big hugs.

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Old 05-12-2010, 11:08 AM
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Yeah Jen, I was shaking so hard and so mad...I couldnt go out there and talk to him. So I am glad Bradon did it.

And Jan, it's not like a massive bruise, it's like a fingertip. The welt yesterday was in the shape of a hand, probably about 3 of them. So I don't think it was beating, but he obviously smacked him hard.

I'm keeping him here for a few days. Its hard to keep him away since he likes to go see his grandma after school. But I personally need to calm down before I make my next move. I wish I would have thought to take a pic last night, but I am taking one now.
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Umm...I would seriously freak out! I know your family situation so I know that honestly there isn't much you can do other than keep J away from him for a while and talk to him(J) about why.

Although having DH threaten him with the pics of the bruise might make him to think twice about touching him again...kwim?
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:19 AM
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What would *I* do? Well, I'm an impulsive grudge-holding b!tch and probably would not be on speaking terms with the uncle for a very long time, nor would I let my kids be around him.


Quote:
I would also take a picture and show it to the uncle...
I think that is a very good idea. Maybe your dh can calmly sit down with the uncle and impress on him the consequences that a flash of anger can have? Maybe you'll be protecting his future kids from abuse?

Sorry for your poor little guy!
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:36 AM
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I'd be crazy mad too if I were in your shoes, Amy. *though I don't have a kid yet*
I am glad that Brandon went to talk to that guy. If it were me, I really wouldn't be pretty at all in front of that guy...

*hugs*
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:39 AM
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Oh Amy! This is just horrible! And the fact that it's family and they are next door just makes it even worse I think.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to give my {{{hugs}}}
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:43 AM
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honestly....
i would do nothing more than what your dh did and what you are already doing (not letting him go over unsupervised etc). I've dealt with cps on many levels.. and this would be such low priority that it'd just get pushed under the rug. Trust me. This was one incident where someone spanked too hard- would you try to get a protection order based on that ? (because ultimately that's where it would all lead).. I don't think a judge would extend it past the initial period if you could even get the initial one signed.
I understand your anger.. I'm not pushing that aside- I would be absolutely LIVID. but.. you can keep your child safe without stepping it up to getting the police/cps involved.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:48 AM
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I would be shaking mad too. I can imagine how hard it makes the situation with him living next door, because I wouldn't want my kid around him after that, especially if you already feel uneasy about him. I find it strange that a 16 year old would spank another child. And the fact that they were wrestling when he got hurt shouldn't be blamed on your son. I hope that he has some fear of your husband and that it all settles okay, and that he never has the chance to hurt you child again.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:50 AM
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I'd be spitting mad too. Having a 17 year old of my own I suspect that the "spanking" was down out of anger and pain and not as a way to try and discipline. No 16 year old needs to be doing that anyway! I'm not against spanking, but I do think it should be left to the parents. That said, I think you need to drop it and make sure they don't play together for awhile. I would want to see the uncle apologize too! (((Amy)))
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:01 PM
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while i totally understand why you'd *want* to get the authorities involved...i have to agree with la. as long as you are doing what you can to protect j, unless it's something that's repeatedly been happening, they probably won't do a whole lot but cause family issues for you. I would take pictures and document any thing you can about this occurrence and definitely 'threaten' him (the uncle) about it.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:15 PM
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No advise other than what is already given. I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry you are going through this. Saying prayers for you and your precious boy today. ((((HUGS)))))
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:15 PM
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Another thing I would do when I allow him to spend time with his uncle again is to tell his uncle look you can play but you are WAY bigger so you have to show him how to behave and if you choose to horseplay realize that even if he is only five he can still hurt you and if you wrestle with him and YOU get hurt you have nobody to blame but yourself.

(had to have this talk with my sister who is older then me because she used to horseplay with my 3 or 4 year old son and he accidentally hit her and she got mad. She thought I should punish him. I told her no I would not because he was PLAYING. I told him he needs to be gentle sometimes because he was very large for his age and really strong and be careful but I sure as heck was not going to punish him for playing the way she wanted him to when they were both having fun until she got hurt)
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
honestly....
i would do nothing more than what your dh did and what you are already doing (not letting him go over unsupervised etc). I've dealt with cps on many levels.. and this would be such low priority that it'd just get pushed under the rug. Trust me. This was one incident where someone spanked too hard- would you try to get a protection order based on that ? (because ultimately that's where it would all lead).. I don't think a judge would extend it past the initial period if you could even get the initial one signed.
I understand your anger.. I'm not pushing that aside- I would be absolutely LIVID. but.. you can keep your child safe without stepping it up to getting the police/cps involved.
I am not sure how thing are in the States, but here in Holland this unfortunately is defenitely the case

I am so sorry you have to deal with this...
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:30 PM
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I don’t even know what to say…I probably would’ve had to be restrained because that’s beyond spanking. I would definitely keep a close watch out on him. I think it’s totally unacceptable to hit a child so hard you leave a handprint…that to me is a little scary.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:58 PM
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I'd be FUMING! I don't have anything more to add, but agree with La.... (((HUGE HUGS)))
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:57 PM
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I agree with LA, too...

and I wanted to add that rather than talking to the kid again, I'd talk to the grandma. Tell her that you love her and the time she spends with your son, but you think its best if she comes to your house to visit and spend time with him, as he won't be coming over there for a while. (seriously, this 'unsupervised' thing doesn't matter if the grandma was there, right? which to me suggests that she has poor judgement in these matters herself)...

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Old 05-12-2010, 07:58 PM
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I would be spitting bullets if that were my kid and you have every right to be mad. I think it warrants you telling your BIL off. Does he live with his parents? If so, I would also tell them about it as well. That is unacceptable.
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Old 05-12-2010, 07:58 PM
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Wow. First of all, that uncle has no right to discpline your son by spanking ever regardless of what he did. Its completely and totally unacceptable. I think your dh and you need to have another talk with him after a couple of days when its out of more than complete anger. (though I think the anger yelling was also good in this case) I also wouldnt allow Jacob over there for a while.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amystoffel View Post
I think I will do that. Because in my gut this kid just makes me really uneasy.
Amy, go with your gut instinct. There must be a reason why you feel that way about him. I would not let my son be around this person unsupervised ever again. In fact, if my son wanted to go there again and play again, I would go along with him even if I just have to sit there and do nothing but watch. That way, your child does not really know what's going on, but they do know what the heck is going on and that you are doing something about it. And if it bothers them (which it most likely will not, but they deserve to not be trusted at this point) then they will say something about it, in which case--the heck with it! You have to do what is right for YOUR child first and foremost. No walking on egg shells honey! Not when it involves their safety and security.
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