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Old 12-06-2021, 08:20 PM
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Default Do you know your Love Language?

Are you familiar with the concept? Here is a test you can take if you aren't.

Basically, the author, Gary Chapman, says that there are five ways we give/receive love: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Giving Gifts. It was written as a marriage book, but he's expanded it to just about everything since it's made him a lot of money and helped a lot of people.

My love language is quality time, which happens to be the lowest of my husband's languages. But when life forces us to be together, like when we were in language school in Indonesia and went everywhere & did everything together, I was high on love. But when Joel is too busy to just sit with me, I'm basically a train wreck.

His love language is acts of service, which, of course, happens to be my lowest score, and I constantly have to remind myself that I'm serving him so he feels loved, even though in my heart I feel like, "Just do it yourself!" He told me once that he feels loved when I make the bed, so I try really hard to do that, even though I find no value in it.

What about you? What's your love language and how do you see it played out in your life?
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Old 12-06-2021, 08:25 PM
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my love language is acts of service which darcy is very very good at.. his is physical touch.
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Old 12-06-2021, 08:36 PM
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it's also interesting (confusing or I don't understand lol) how i feel loved is acts of service however.. how I show love isn't really. I'm HORRIBLE at doing acts of service for others maybe i'm just not nice
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Old 12-06-2021, 08:58 PM
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LOL - I got 0% gifts - accurate
I was quite close with acts of service & quality time - my hubby got physical touch followed closely by quality time
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Old 12-06-2021, 09:45 PM
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Mine is quality time closely followed by Words of Affirmation
Hubby is Acts of Service
I have not given the test to the kids BUT I think my oldest is Acts of Service and youngest is words of affirmation judging by behaviors.

Hubby and I taught a bible study on this book many years ago. It is a great relationship tool. It helped me a lot bc I HATE/LOATHE housework, cleaning etc but know it speaks volumes to hubby so I just do it.
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Old 12-06-2021, 09:57 PM
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My husband and I read this book together (well separately but together) on his first deployment and then again about a year ago. I realized that my back then my love language had been Quality Time but since the Army is so fond of keeping us apart, even when he's stateside, it's morphed into Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service -- they're pretty much tied. When distance keeps us apart the words start to matter more you know? And when he is here he does more around the house, running errands, etc since I shoulder most of it alone 99% of the time.

His love language is Physical Touch which drives me nuts. I really don't like being touched and it even hurts my skin sometimes. It was hard when my girls were little b/c I was all touched out. Thankfully they're older now and don't hang on me much so it's gotten easier to be touchy feely with my hubs. The littlest things like rubbing his back, holding his hand, hugging him from behind when he's washing dishes - stuff like that, all add up to be a big thing for him.
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by erica zane View Post
LOL - I got 0% gifts - accurate
I was quite close with acts of service & quality time - my hubby got physical touch followed closely by quality time
I got 0% gifts too. Kinda sucks b/c my mom is a big gift giver and I must seem like the most ungrateful brat in the world. Our families are always shocked when my hubs and I say we really don't do gifts for each other. I'd much rather spend time doing something, like the movies or day trips, etc with the money than buying/receiving more and more things.
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:21 PM
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[QUOTE=KingsQueen82;1063076521
His love language is Physical Touch which drives me nuts. I really don't like being touched and it even hurts my skin sometimes. It was hard when my girls were little b/c I was all touched out. Thankfully they're older now and don't hang on me much so it's gotten easier to be touchy feely with my hubs. The littlest things like rubbing his back, holding his hand, hugging him from behind when he's washing dishes - stuff like that, all add up to be a big thing for him.[/QUOTE]


soooooo similar cassie
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KingsQueen82 View Post
I got 0% gifts too. Kinda sucks b/c my mom is a big gift giver and I must seem like the most ungrateful brat in the world. Our families are always shocked when my hubs and I say we really don't do gifts for each other. I'd much rather spend time doing something, like the movies or day trips, etc with the money than buying/receiving more and more things.
We don't do much in terms of gifts either. We prefer to go on trips or out on a date. I think we have a secret love language of FOOD.
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:31 PM
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My #1 was Acts of Service and my #2 was Quality Time. Sounds about right. 3% gifts, which also sounds about right!
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KingsQueen82 View Post
I got 0% gifts too. Kinda sucks b/c my mom is a big gift giver and I must seem like the most ungrateful brat in the world. Our families are always shocked when my hubs and I say we really don't do gifts for each other. I'd much rather spend time doing something, like the movies or day trips, etc with the money than buying/receiving more and more things.
We're like this, too. We do buy birthday and Mothers Day/Fathers Day gifts for each other because those are from the whole family, but most of the time it's a gift card that I use for scrapping supplies and he uses for video games. The rest of the time we'd rather spend the money doing something together.
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:44 PM
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I'm Acts of Service, he is physical touch or quality time (he won't take the quiz). I was 3% gifts lol Don't do that, help me out around the house more and that will make me swoon!
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Old 12-06-2021, 10:50 PM
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I also hate gifts, both giving and receiving! Unless you give me something I already want, you're just giving me more clutter. And Filipino culture is SOOOO gift-centered, maybe even as broad as Asian culture, because my kids' Korean friends always bring a gift when they come to our house. Whenever Joel visits our team in another city, he is always expected to bring a gift for everyone, even if it's just little. I always feel like it's such a waste of money (because there are so many people to buy for) and because it's such a small thing, surely nobody cares about it, but I am wrong. I just cannot understand the purpose of gifts when we all buy the things we want these days.

Joel and I don't do gifts with each other, either, and I am so grateful! I feel so stressed when I have to buy a present for someone to show my love for them.
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Old 12-06-2021, 11:26 PM
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Mine is gifts and quality time… which are hubby’s lowest one… and his is physical touch and words of affirmation… my lowest. It’s a constant battle.
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Old 12-07-2021, 12:29 AM
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Mine is definitely Words closely followed by Physical Touch. I like to say that all you have to do is pet me & tell me I'm pretty. One of the ways that my ex and I were mismatched is that Words & Physical Touch were tied for last for him and he wasn't able to love me in that way.

The initial reason that I matched with my BF was because he mentioned being an INTJ in his dating profile (and I'm an INFJ) and I was looking for someone who was capable of & interested in self-analysis and improvement. It was within the first few days of talking that I told my BF what my love languages were and how I needed to be loved. He's very good at meeting those needs for me even being 2 hours away.

My BF is definitely an Acts of Service person who comes for a visit and cooks, does laundry, runs errands for me, etc., and I have to point out sometimes that I'd prefer if he just came and sat with me to talk & cuddle.
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Old 12-07-2021, 12:36 AM
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No big surprise that mine is words of affirmation followed by acts of service. I got a big fat zero for physical touch. I'm not a touchy feely person at all, so I guess that is not surprising. But I do like to hold hands, so I guess there is hope for me. LOL
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Old 12-07-2021, 02:43 PM
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My therapist mentioned an app called Love Nudge to find out what ours was. We decided to take the test on one of our in-home dates. We each take turns planning an in-home date with things that the planner enjoys doing (to broaden our horizons) so that was one of my planned date.

We didn't like the way the test was done. It was hard picking each statement. But I got words of affirmation the most and my husband got quality time. And this is what we both are the worst at giving the other person. Definitely have to work super hard to make these things happen because they don't come naturally. Marriage is hard work!

I'll take that test you mentioned above and see if the results are different.

Edit:

Exactly the same results as last time! I guess it's clear! Words of affirmation and acts of service it is.

Words of Affirmation
33%

Acts of Service
30%

Physical Touch
13%

Quality Time
13%

Receiving Gifts
10%
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Old 12-07-2021, 03:52 PM
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Interesting! I never actually heard of this before. This is what I got:

Acts of Service - 37%
Words of Affirmation - 23%
Quality Time - 23%
Physical Touch - 10%
Receiving Gifts - 7%

I can't say there's any surprises here, and I would say that my husband is probably about the same mix. There's no way on earth I'd ever be able to get him to take this test though, so I'm only guessing! LOL
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Old 12-07-2021, 11:53 PM
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Thank you for posting this! I own the book but have never really read it (it was a gift!) I should read it now!

I got quality of time, but the middle 3 were quite close. Acts of service and gifts were my bottom 2.

I may have my girls take this quiz too! I think it's good to understand this about us, even if it may not be 100% accurate (some of the questions didn't quite work right. I may appreciate one of the things, but he doesn't do it often, so I don't know if I would technically appreciate it more if he did it, or if I would appreciate it more because he did it? Does that make sense?
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Old 12-08-2021, 01:32 PM
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Mine is acts of service with a very close quality time. My husband's is physical touch. But my way of showing is acts of service & gift giving.
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Old 12-08-2021, 05:08 PM
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We learned ours about 10-12 years ago, when the military unit my husband was a part of put on a (free!) weekend marriage retreat since his group were "frequent deployers".

At the time, I was quality time and my husband was physical touch
(neither is ideal for frequent deployments, haha!)

I'm going to have us re-take the quiz & see if we've shifted around. I feel like Acts of Service might be higher for me now than it was before-- a few months ago, I explained to my husband that if he just took my car and put gas in it, I would feel like he was bringing me a bouquet of roses
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Old 12-08-2021, 07:14 PM
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I love hearing all your stories! Especially the ones where you've adjusted instead of wallowing in your feeling of unlovedness, which I will admit I've done over the years.

I also find this to be true in my friendships, as well. My BFF is a quality time person, like me, and during COVID, she lived around the block from me and we walked every night. So even though it was SO HARD being locked down at our house, my love tank was filled every night when we walked in our neighborhood and told each other all the things for an hour!

I have another friend who is the most servant hearted person I know; she cooked for my kids when I was sick and always checked on me, but she doesn't share about herself with me, so I never feel close to her (and sometimes I resent her a little because she doesn't give me the opportunity to know her).
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Old 12-12-2021, 11:31 AM
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It's interesting to see how much mine has changed since leaving my husband. This is mine:

Acts of Service
37%

Quality Time
30%

Words of Affirmation
20%

Physical Touch
13%

Receiving Gifts
0%

It still doesn't shock me that they've changed as I've changed, but it's interesting to see that physical touch and words of affirmation have any percentage next to them because in the past they were just single digits.
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Old 12-14-2021, 10:41 AM
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I got 33% Words of Affirmation which surprised me because I love to do for others and assumed I would of had a higher percentage for acts of service. Although I do value the intent of words - not just hearing them. I am currently waiting for my husband to complete the test so we can compare
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Old 12-14-2021, 04:36 PM
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Hubby and I read the book together ages ago. At the time, Acts of Service and Gifts were most important to me. Hubby was Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

I just re-took the test, and am not at all surprised that Quality Time & Acts of Service were the top 2.

As I look back, I really don't think that Gifts was as high as I thought it was. Gifts has always been my mom's way of showing love (so it was what I knew).

I'm going to have Hubby re-take the test and see what he shows as now (that we've matured. LOL!).
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Old 12-16-2021, 12:56 AM
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Words of Affirmation 37%

Quality Time 33%

Acts of Service 17%

Receiving Gifts 13%

Physical Touch 0%

Not surprised that physical touch was dead last but am a bit surprised that "acts of service" was as low as it was....I honestly thought it would be number 1 or 2.
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Old 12-16-2021, 02:55 AM
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Apparently I'm a gift-piggy compared to everyone else I actually enjoy receiving gifts that are thoughtful, but acts of service are really my jam. I would take the gift of time any day!

Acts of Service 33%
Words of Affirmation 30%
Quality Time 17%
Receiving Gifts 17%
Physical Touch 3%
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