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#1
01-07-2015, 01:14 AM
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I need some serious opinions.
I'm going to try to keep this condensed....
I'm in a huge pickle. I've been making my mom a book (I've mentioned it before) for a few months now. It's got all 7 of her kids, their spouses and all the grandkids in it. She's never had a book like this before. Anyway, a couple months ago, a huge feud started between one of my brothers and my parents. A game of telephone tag led to a HUGE misunderstanding which then led to a heated conversation and some pretty awful things said on both parts. I don't speak with my brother at all, but I did have pics of his kids that I was putting into the book. I didn't think my brother and his wife knew about the book, I was just putting the pics in the book anyway, willing to take the heat from them for not asking so that there could be a book with all of us in it. Then this whole thing with my mom and brother happened and long story short, my mom told him that he wasn't her kid anymore and that his two girls (A and I for future reference) weren't her grandkids anymore. She feels awful about saying it now of course, but the damage was done. ANYWAY, like I said, I thought my sister in law didn't know about the book, but another sister in law (i'm so sorry if this is confusing) was going to give me a pic of her daughter with both A and I, but my sister in law told her absolutely not. One of my other brothers had previously given me pics with A and I in it too, and I have quite a few pages made already with pics of them in it as well. But now that I know that she knows about the book and has said that she doesn't want the girls in the book, I don't feel right using the pages I already made but on the flipside, it feels WRONG not putting those girls in this book. I know my mom said that they weren't her grandkids anymore when she was angry (which made me mad and was so uncool), but that doesn't mean the girls should be excluded from this book does it? I don't know what to do. Do I leave them out and hope they never see it? because I can't imagine how they would feel if they saw it and wondered why they were the only ones not in it... Do I put them in and risk even more drama? I normally would choose this option if the drama was just coming to me, but I feel like a move like this might make this awful situation completely irreparable. Do I stop making the book all together so I don't have to deal with it? Even though I've put a ton of time gathering pics from all of my siblings and even more time planning and actually scrapping.... Ugh I'm miserable. Please tell me any and all opinions on this subject. I need to hear them all
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 Last edited by adi&co.; 01-07-2015 at 01:17 AM. 
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#4
01-07-2015, 01:22 AM
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Oh wow, Adi! That IS a pickle!!!
I'm not sure that I even know what I'd do in that situation. I'd sure hate to see you trash the whole idea because you've already put so much time and energy in it. Do you think it's possible that if you held off just a little bit that maybe things would cool off a bit? How reasonable is your brother if you were to try to talk to him about it? Would he accuse you of taking sides? I'm sure your mom does feel awful for what she said... has she tried to reach out and apologize? I realize that's one of those situations that a simple "I'm sorry" won't take away the hurt, but maybe it would start. Wow, I really don't know, sweets. I feel for you though, and I agree with you completely that I'd hate to think what A&I might think if they saw the book some day and realized they were the only ones not in it. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!
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#5
01-07-2015, 01:22 AM
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I agree, put them in. You are making a family book; they are part of the family.
Alternatively, you could call sister-in-law (or brother, whichever gives you the best shot), tell her about your heart for the book and let her know her kids are such an important part of the family, you think it would be a shame to have them left out. Additionally, you are concerned that A and I might be hurt in the years to come if they are not in the book. What mom/dad can say no to that?
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#6
01-07-2015, 01:32 AM
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That's a two thumbs down kind of situation, and I'm sorry that something so wonderful has the potential to upset people. I can't even imagine not including them; no matter what's going on between your mom & brother, the kids are surely still precious to her.
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#9
01-07-2015, 01:47 AM
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Oh you ladies are so positive and sweet and you don't know my family of completely unreasonable grudge holders. *sigh* I stopped talking to my brother 3 years ago because of a bunch of drama with his wife and they have only tried to keep the drama going with me so there's no way I could talk them into letting me put them in the book. I'm sure part of the reason they don't want them in the book is because I'm making it. And it's not going to blow over either. My mom is super stubborn and my SIL loves to watch her bridges burn. The more I think about it, the more I think I better just not make it because sooner or later it will cause drama somehow. I could cry.
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Last edited by adi&co.; 01-07-2015 at 02:00 AM.
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#10
01-07-2015, 02:34 AM
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I feel for you... my (only) brother (and only sibling) stopped talking to me a couple of years ago - no drama, no particular reason as far as we can tell. It's weird - but it hurts. I have very few pictures of him and his family (one nephew - my only nephew) but they're in my book. He'll never know...
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#11
01-07-2015, 02:53 AM
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Random thought...would it be possible...instead of doing a 'book' to print pages and get a traditional album with page protectors. That way you can leave A&I out.........but down the road it would still be possible to add those pages back in...
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Amy
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#12
01-07-2015, 02:59 AM
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Make the book without A&I, but do have their photos printed separately on individually printed pages. That way, their layouts can be stored in the back of the book or removed depending on the occasion. They are included but can be removed (or easily reprinted) if needed.
 I'm so sorry, Adi. This is such a sad situation.
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#13
01-07-2015, 03:00 AM
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#14
01-07-2015, 03:03 AM
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I was doing each month with at least one pic from each family for every month (so there was no way to separate A and I from everybody else), but I think I'll do the families individually instead. The loose pages and page protectors will be how I have to go about doing it, that way I can add them in if they come back to the family. Thanks ladies. I've been so upset over this. I'll need to start completely over, but at least I have a direction that I'm ok with now.
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#15
01-07-2015, 03:10 AM
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Good luck!
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Amy
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#17
01-07-2015, 01:17 PM
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Can you make the book with removable pages in sheet protectors? Then you could make everything (with everybody), give it to Mom and then whoever is in the dog house at the moment she could take out of the book.
 Sounds weird but maybe it would work!
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#18
01-07-2015, 01:50 PM
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I would continue to make the book, leaving the pages with the kids intact if they are in a group picture. If it is just individual pages then I might take those ones of the kids out. I wouldn't remove a page if they were just one among many.
I get about the family dynamics though, my brother and father don't talk either and every year I make my father a calendar and I struggle whether to put my brothers girls in it or not. I usually do but I have never asked. It would probably big a big fight if I did! Sometimes it is easier to play dumb afterwards then ask permission before hand! I would definately finish the book and give it to your mom. I am sure she would love it, no matter what the dramas behind the scenes are!
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#19
01-07-2015, 02:54 PM
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#20
01-08-2015, 03:35 AM
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So sorry Adi to hear that...I wish you all the best with the book! <3
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#21
01-08-2015, 01:31 PM
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Honestly? I would make the book with all the grandkids and if anyone had a problem with it, I would tell them to screw off. It is one copy of a family scrapbook that is going to sit on a shelf for the rest of its life. It's not going to be sold commercially, be posted on social media, etc. What's the worst that will happen if you put the kids in? They're going to further not speak to you? Continue to ignore you? If they don't have a relationship with your mom, either, how are they going to know what's in the book or not? I mean, they would have to physically come over to her house, break in, and steal the book, right? They wouldn't do that if they heard from one of your siblings that you put the kids in. would they?
I think the right thing to do is to include all the kids. Period. That is what I would do regardless of whatever drama might ensue. However, if my mother or MIL ever told me that my children were not her grandkids, I would have a hard time keeping myself to only telling her to screw off. There would be very little she could ever do or say to make up for that, but I get that I'm a word person and other people are not. So sorry that this project and your family is causing you such a headache! It's such a sweet thing to do. 
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#23
03-05-2015, 04:59 PM
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I'm with LeeAndra period. I would not exclude anybody, no matter what the cost. If someone has a problem with it they don't have to look at it, it's your mom's book. Period. It's a gift you're making for her and you included ALL her grandkids. BIG DEAL if someone doesn't like it. How do you think your mom would feel in another year when she's looking at it and remembers why those particular grandkids aren't in it? That would just breed more contention.
Then again I can be blunt. We've had some issues in our family too and let me tell you, it really hurts not to be included. Speaking of photos, I just sent some to my in laws via Evernote, they were of our vacation last month. They sent me an email last night saying they couldn't sign up with a password so they can't look at the pictures and that they were sorry. I keep on thinking why do I even bother with them? I know if their daughter (I'm the daughter in law) sent pictures from their vacation, they wouldn't miss a minute trying to view them. Really frustrating. Cheers! Mary in MN (organizedmom)
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#24
03-05-2015, 05:11 PM
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Honestly, I'd put the pics in anyway. Regardless of peoples feelings and what was said, they ARE apart of the family and since it's a family book they should be in it. How does anyone know how things will be in the future between everyone? This is a book that will someday be a huge piece of 'family history', and nothing worse with history (for future generations) than having a few blanks to try to fill in.
I know the feeling how how wrong it feels to use them and then not use them. We currently have a HUGE family feud going between me and my sister in law.... same idea, big misunderstanding, lots of things said that can't be unheard or unfelt...I don't want her near my children ever so I (without being told to) think it's only 'fair' that I have nothing to do with hers... but I am still scrapping the photos of my nieces that I have from the times we've spent with them. They are still apart of the family, can't 'erase' or forget about the memories of the past just because the present is not that great.
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#25
03-05-2015, 05:13 PM
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Put them in. My kids were the ones excluded from their grandmother's life and now they are older its not so painful but it sure was when they were little. That was all a choice my mom made.
Besides if your brother is mad at your mom that is his problem. Not yours. And definitely not his kids problem.
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#26
03-05-2015, 05:49 PM
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#28
03-05-2015, 07:11 PM
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#29
03-05-2015, 07:19 PM
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Difficult situation. Honestly I would say put them in. They are part of the family no mather what happens. How do you explain this in a couple of years when they might have put the fight behind them. You have to say to the girls ohh you are not in their because daddy and grandma had a fight a couple of years ago? You never know what can happen! I hope that everything will turn out ok. This is not the girls fault....
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#30
03-05-2015, 08:40 PM
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Totally agree with this. Family dynamics can be a pain, but the kids aren't in this and should and have every right to be included.
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#31
03-06-2015, 12:40 PM
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As someone who has been excluded from my husbands side of the family at timex, I can say from experience that it really hurts. Hopefully they will all put the petty crap aside and get this over with. Life is way to short to hold on to grudges with people you love, especially family. No matter what happens blood is blood. If they are still not speaking they won't know about the book. If someone tells them then say it was too late it had already gone to the printers.
OR another option... If the book you are making is a standard sized that pages can be printed separately then consider instead of making its bound book, print all the pages individually and put them in a regular scrapbook album. Then you could always add the pages later when they reconcile. Bottom line, they are her grandkids and its not their fault the adults got into a feud.
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#32
03-06-2015, 01:08 PM
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What an awful situation. I personally would include them or trash the idea instead. I know what it's like to feel like second class in a family, it hurts, but it hurts worse when it rubs off on your kids. Sorry you have to deal with drama over something so simple.
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#33
03-06-2015, 02:35 PM
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Gosh, so difficult! I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this
I think I would put them in, but maybe just hold onto the book myself for a while and hope things calm down. You don't want the kids later to find out they weren't in there and have majorly hurt feelings. I saw your comment about making individual family books too, and that would work as well, but if you really want the big book all together, I'd put them in. That is just a totally stinky situation
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#35
03-06-2015, 10:39 PM
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I hope you've been able to come to a solution with this, Adrienne.
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#36
03-06-2015, 10:57 PM
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Sorry for your situation... no matter what you do someone will be upset.... I say put all the grandkids in... you are a neutral party that they are trying to drag into the fight...
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#37
03-07-2015, 01:02 AM
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I did actually come up with a solution to it, lol! I'm surprised this thread has been revived and it's actually hard seeing comments on it again. I had to push past all my hurt feelings to get the book done and sent it to my mom recently. It didn't in fact, have my brother's kids in there, but it had a place to add them in. My mom started bawling when she saw it (both good and bad tears) and we're still all dealing with this as a family. My brother has completely removed himself and refuses to talk to any of us, so it's very hurtful for all of us still.
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#38
03-07-2015, 01:05 AM
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That is a bummer that your brother is being that way towards you all! 
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#39
03-07-2015, 01:20 AM
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well, not all of us have been understanding and quite a few of us have pushed him away in one way or another. I don't get along with his wife at all and I was the first to cut off contact with them because of all the drama his wife was causing in my life and then my other siblings just sort of lined up behind me. I feel partially responsible for this and feel like we actually deserve it.... I feel badly because I myself was in his exact same position with my family a few years ago (feeling completely ostracized and hated by my siblings and a parent and saying screw it all!). I just hope we can work through everything like I was able to do and become whole again. We had a pretty rough childhood and all of us have been working through stuff so it feels like every time one of us heals, the next leaves. It's hard and sad.
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#40
03-07-2015, 01:26 AM
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