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Old 10-19-2015, 03:17 PM
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Default At what age should you 'cut the cord' so to speak..

when it comes to your kids dealing with their teachers/grades etc.

I've always instilled in Connor that HE needs to talk to his teachers- but obviously, if there's ever a grade he feels was wrong, or an issue that comes up etc, I am going to reach out to the teacher myself to get clarification, or ask if he could get extra help etc etc.

Connor is in 6th grade now- and I'm so very torn. I don't want to be one of those parents, that's always meddling and arguing with the teachers etc... but to be frank, he is still really immature and clearly not following through with anything

We've had two situations so far. First was math. He had a 106 average. All his quizes, assignments etc were 100's- and he had done some extra credit. Then I see his test score (not the actual test) and he received a 58. Obviously, I was uh.. displeased, and asked him wtf he was doing...nicely. lol. He kept saying he doesn't know how on earth he could have gotten such a terrible grade because he knew the work (obviously) and it didn't make sense. I reminded him. daily. for a week and a half, to talk to his teacher. Find out what happened. Did she think he was cheating? Did he skip a page of the test? WHAT. Nope. never did. THEN she even gave him the opportunity for more extra credit, AND HE DIDN'T DO IT. So of course, my faith in him dealing with situations or giving a crap about his grades (FYI he loves math -.-) went down the toilet.

FFW'd to last night, I'm reviewing his grades again (We have access to every single homework/quiz/classwork/test grade etc) and I see that another one of his courses suddenly took a nose dive. He again, had an A+ average in geography, and now it's saying C. WTF Connor... again! I opened it up- and it said he had a missing assignment.. a section of his grade worth 30% -.- He missed one day of school- claims his teacher said 'don't worry about making up the classwork' and ... then this? However when I read the description it said he had 3 class days to complete said project.. and that it was due 10/9 - a day he was definitely in school anyway.

He again, is just shrugging it off. Repeating that his teacher said not to do it (I don't buy that, or it was a miscommunication). He has cross country practice after school, so I won't see him until tonight.. but I've been sitting here fuming, knowing in the back of my mind he's not even going to bother speaking to the teacher again.

So what would you do? Let him just get a 0 on something worth a huge chunk of his grade and do nothing? Email the teacher and get clarification so that I can punish him appropriately ? Ask the teacher if he can hand it in late/do extra credit?

Part of me says.. dude. you're almost 12. you're responsible, suffer the consequences.. the other part of me is like AAAHOMG you've been working so hard to maintain really high grades and you messed this up and I need to help you fix it.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:25 PM
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When are teacher conferences? Is it something you could bring up then? Though you probably want to deal with it this week. Is there a way you can set up a meeting with you & Connor plus the teachers? Then you can show Connor how to approach the teachers in the future when a miscommunication happens again.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:29 PM
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I think 6th grade is still too young to let them fly solo on grades and assignments like this. Forgotten lunch? Yes, let them starve, but this is more complicated than that. Our middle school stresses that parents still need to be involved and keeping an eye on their kids' work through middle school. I'm not saying you should try to patch everything up for him, but I would want to understand from the teacher what happened, whether C's understanding is correct/incorrect and get the teacher's advice on how to prevent it from happening in the future. THEN you can punish him appropriately.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:35 PM
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I still email Elyse's teachers and she's 15
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:38 PM
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Boys are so dumb, even as grownups, that I wouldn't cut the cord completely until high school.

My husband will be 40 next year, and he can't figure out the right kind of pizza to buy us at the store... even after I send him a picture of the box! I shudder to think what he was like as a 12 year old sixth grader.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:49 PM
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I don't even remember much at all from the middle school years. My brain was literally mush. Puberty and hormones will do that to a person... mix in a little lalalala, creative ideas staring out the window and a good dose of A.D.D. tendencies.... and, well. I wouldn't have made it through school without my mom 'meddling'. I can't speak to Connor or what he's capable of, but I don't expect my own children (if they're anything like me) to be able to handle things like that independently until they in about 11th grade. Basically, when they can hold a job, they can manage their own education. Until then, I'm going to assist as much or as little as I'm needed to get them through.
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Old 10-19-2015, 03:55 PM
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I have a 6th grader, too. I always start by asking him to talk to the teacher, but if things aren't resolved or he's still confused I email. I want him to learn to advocate for himself, but at 12 I think it's a skill they're still learning. Also, there's a difference between stepping in for every little thing vs. stepping in for something big like a semester average tanking suddenly. Good luck!

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Old 10-19-2015, 04:10 PM
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Honestly, I'm a little surprised the teacher didn't reach out to you with such a difference between the test score and his usual scores. But I wouldn't hesitate to contact her, find out what is going on, let her know you were trying to have Connor speak with her to find out what happened but that he hasn't followed through for whatever reason - maybe she could figure out a way that she & he could work together in figuring out what went wrong.

But I agree with Rachel in that it's very different to meddle with every little thing vs. something pretty major like this!
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Old 10-19-2015, 04:31 PM
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I went through this with Katie (now 16) when she was in middle school. She finally got to a grade where she couldn't talk her way out of missing assignments and it caught up to her fast. I did the same thing - talked through her grades with her and made her responsible to try to fix it. When that didn't work I either went in for parent - teacher conference night or I contacted the teacher via e-mail for clarification on what happened. Trying to fix it for him will probably not help, but finding out what happened will clue you in to where the problem is at specifically. Then you can help him figure out how to fix it (if he can) and then make him do the work.

I will tell you in our experience it took time for Katie to take responsibility for her actions. Knowing we were checking her grade (remembering to do that was the hardest part) and having her explain what was going on each class helped her learn how to manage herself. Once she knew we were on top it she realized she needed to be too. It took us all through middle school to work it out. At least in 6th grade his grades don't count for high school yet. So right now you are training him to manage himself. As long as he can do that before he leaves for college you're doing great.
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Old 10-19-2015, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by misfitinmn View Post
Honestly, I'm a little surprised the teacher didn't reach out to you with such a difference between the test score and his usual scores. But I wouldn't hesitate to contact her, find out what is going on, let her know you were trying to have Connor speak with her to find out what happened but that he hasn't followed through for whatever reason - maybe she could figure out a way that she & he could work together in figuring out what went wrong.

But I agree with Rachel in that it's very different to meddle with every little thing vs. something pretty major like this!
This.

I used to work at an after school center for middle schoolers and I can tell you there's a huge difference in maturity from a sixth grader to a 7th/8th grader so I wouldn't cut the cord just yet. i think you're right to start expecting more from him but in this case you gave him the chance to make it right and he didn't, so I think it's fair to ask about it.
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Old 10-19-2015, 04:51 PM
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I have a 6th grader and I still expect the teacher to keep in contact with me. Obviously if I don't hear from her, I'm assuming everything is fine. I'm still the parent. I know at some point we want/expect our children to be able to be responsible enough to do things on their own, but, I feel as a parent they are still my responsibility.
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Old 10-19-2015, 05:02 PM
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Thanks girls. Connor came home and I asked him if he spoke with his geography teacher - and of course he said no. I reminded him that he had done the same thing regarding his math test and I was very disappointed to which of course he started crying. I asked him why he didn't care about his grade at all - taking a zero because you don't want to talk to the teacher is dumb. What's even worse is that it turns out Connor DID do the project. He was confused as to what assignment was missing when he said the teacher said he didn't need to do it. He actually turned it in a day early even -.- he thinks he forgot to put his name on it. I was like are you kidding me ??! You're willing to lose 30% of your grade .. When you DID the work and turned it in early ... All because you don't feel like talking to the teacher -.-

My brain may have melted a little bit. Needless to say I emailed the teacher and hopefully it gets resolved tomorrow. I'm going to insist Connor talk to him in class as well.

Ridiculous.
This age is ridiculous.


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Old 10-19-2015, 07:55 PM
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I could have written your opening post myself! I swear boys are the worst when it comes to taking responsibility of things like this!! I think in 6th grade he still needs help. What I do is send the teacher an email just saying, Ian or Evan has a question to ask you, could you please make sure they speak to you today. I've already had conversations at the beginning of the year telling the teacher that I am trying to get my children to take more responsibility of their own problems but that I know they are still kids and get caught up in the day to day stuff and will forget (even if I remind them right before they walk through the door). Most of their teachers have been very receptive to this because it is teaching them how to take responsibility of their work and grades and that is what teachers in the end want I think instead of us parents doing all the work for them.
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Old 10-19-2015, 08:45 PM
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You got some great advice from the other ladies and usually I would just let it rest at that but this is bugging me. I too am a little surprised that teachers are not contacting you. I would want to get to the root of the problem to make sure this isn't a symptom of something else (is he being bullied, did something happen). Maybe it is something as simple as puberty or he is having trouble seeing. Grades dropping dramatically in multiple classes (especially when he appears to still understand the material) could be a call for help that has nothing to do with schoolwork.

Just my two cents as an outsider. You know your son best. Will be sending positive thoughts for you and him.

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Old 10-19-2015, 10:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
Thanks girls. Connor came home and I asked him if he spoke with his geography teacher - and of course he said no. I reminded him that he had done the same thing regarding his math test and I was very disappointed to which of course he started crying. I asked him why he didn't care about his grade at all - taking a zero because you don't want to talk to the teacher is dumb.
I could be remembering wrong, but is Connor shy or does he suffer from some anxiety? If so, maybe the problem is actually that he's too intimidated to speak up for himself but doesn't want to let on.
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Old 10-20-2015, 08:01 AM
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When Cheyanne was that age I did what Jen M does - I'd email the teacher and let him/her know that Cheyanne had a question for them and if they could please ask her about it if she forgot - it isn't just boys, trust me! Things go in and out of their heads in an instant at that age.

Now that she's 15 and a sophomore I never have to address anything - thanks to starting in 5th grade by working with the teachers to have her take responsibility she now is in control of her own problems. She knows what she needs to do, when to ask for extra help, etc. They do eventually learn to take care things of themselves
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Old 10-20-2015, 11:00 AM
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I guess I'll be the dissenter/mean mom. I think 6th grade is the perfect time for kids to start being held responsible for this stuff. By the time kids are in high school habits are harder to build and break and the consequences are far reaching. Keeping track of grades/assignments/ addressing things with teachers, those are all learned skills. I know very few kids who want to talk to a teacher. It's really hard to step back sometimes and let your kids suffer the consequences but sometimes that's the best way for them to learn. One of my kids had some really rough semesters in middle school, ( Did the work, didn't turn it in? I still don't get it. ) it was hard and frustrating, we all learned a lot.

Teachers who often have 90+ students are not going to be contacting parents about a missing assignment. We monitor grades, there are consequences, positive and negative. I'll absolutely communicate with teachers or step in when need be, but we expect our kids to attempt to handle things first. ( I'm not talking about things like bullying or difficult teachers, which are in a whole different realm )
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Old 10-21-2015, 03:20 PM
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Thank you for all the input and advice guys I emailed the geography teacher but still insisted Connor speak to him (and mentioned as such in the email ). He actually followed through not only with that teacher but with his math teacher as well he got full points for his project & is being allowed to do some extra credit work for the math. Apparently every single person in the class got the same questions wrong on the test - so she scaled the grades up a bit already.

Ps and yes, Connor is super shy and anxiety ridden - so that's the big issue here. That's why I was so torn, but he stepped up in the end ( lol two weeks later on the math grade ) and all is OK. I made sure to impress upon the geography teacher that Connor has great difficulty speaking up too, and he was veery kind and receptive. He has great teachers


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Old 10-21-2015, 03:42 PM
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That's awesome La - Cheyanne always had a problem with being shy with adults, especially adults in authority and it took a few times of the teacher and I working together to get her to ask for help or to ask about grades, etc. It sounds like it was handled perfectly. He'll get it sooner rather than later I'm betting
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:50 PM
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Been there.

My girl went from straight A's and doing extra credit to having a bunch of missing assignments that she 'turned in' yet were not showing up in the grade book. When I found one of those 'turned in' assignments, unfinished, in her bedroom under a pile of dirty clothes, I was not happy at all. I found it AFTER the end of the school year though, when she had already received a B in the class. This was the end of 6th grade.

7th grade was worse. OMG it was awful! Seriously. I hated 7th grade! At one point I had the principal and school counselor calling me because my honors student had F's in like 4 classes. I had a long conversation with the principal, the counselor, her ELP teacher and the teachers of the classes she was behind in. I told each of them that I wasn't sure where to draw the line in how much I get involved in these things. I mean, she has to learn responsibility, right? Especially BEFORE high school... before those grades REALLY start to count. We came up with a plan that worked for her and besides one C in math, she managed to get her grades all back to A's. The C was just one of those things that, truthfully, stemmed from a crappy teacher. He is no longer with our district and I've talked to probably 20 parents who feel the same way about the experience our kids had with him last year... so...

Anyway, she is now 13 and in 8th grade. At the end of the first quarter she had 6 A's and a high B (advanced algebra for high school credit so I really want her to pull out an A by mid-term!). She has several of the same teachers this year and at conferences they all talked about how much more responsible she was being this year and how proud they are of her. I think us getting involved was the right move. I emailed some of her teachers on a daily basis. I talked to others in person a few times a week. I do have an advantage though as I work for the school district and though I'm not in the same building, I have easy access to her teachers a variety of ways. If I didn't work for the district I probably wouldn't have been so quick to jump in to the situation, but I'm glad I did.
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
Thank you for all the input and advice guys I emailed the geography teacher but still insisted Connor speak to him (and mentioned as such in the email ). He actually followed through not only with that teacher but with his math teacher as well he got full points for his project & is being allowed to do some extra credit work for the math. Apparently every single person in the class got the same questions wrong on the test - so she scaled the grades up a bit already.

Ps and yes, Connor is super shy and anxiety ridden - so that's the big issue here. That's why I was so torn, but he stepped up in the end ( lol two weeks later on the math grade ) and all is OK. I made sure to impress upon the geography teacher that Connor has great difficulty speaking up too, and he was veery kind and receptive. He has great teachers


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You should be very proud!

My daughter doesn't have trouble speaking up, BUT, she had never had to ask for help before. Up until 7th grade she flew through school without a care, so to speak. She hit a few classes in 7th grade that gave her pause. She was afraid to ask for help because everyone thought she knew everything. Her teachers were always pointing out that she had over 100% in the classes, etc. and she was afraid she'd look stupid if she asked for help. I think we are past that now, I hope anyway!
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:56 PM
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Oh good. So happy all is working out.
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Old 10-21-2015, 11:47 PM
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Quote:
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Thank you for all the input and advice guys I emailed the geography teacher but still insisted Connor speak to him (and mentioned as such in the email ). He actually followed through not only with that teacher but with his math teacher as well
That's fantastic! I'm glad you were able to find a way to encourage him to speak up for himself and that his teachers were receptive.
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