At My Wit's End...

[scrapperjade]

I need help & advice ladies!! My DD will be 3 in about 2 weeks. She is pretty strong willed, and has recently become very determined & sassy. I expected it on one hand, but some days I am ready to pull my hair out. Today was one of those days!

In the last 2-3 weeks she has been screaming at me if she doesn't get her way. She loves watching Blue's Clues and Diego, and will watch them all morning if I let her. I will tell her "Last show" on about the 3rd episode, and she will be okay with that. Until it ends. Then she asks for another one, and I will calmly & nicely tell her "Not right now, that was last show for awhile". She'll yell "YES! MORE SHOW" and I will calmly tell her no and walk away. Well... she does NOT take kindly to that and will keep screaming "MORE SHOW!" and the more I say no, the more she freaks. Today she screamed in my face and hit me! I was SO angry. I ended up putting her in her room where she kicked and screamed for half an hour. I let her get up, and she was happy for about 10 minutes, then asked for a show again.

It continued ALL day. She was sent for a nap 2 hours earlier than normal because I just couldn't handle her sassing me anymore. Then when she got up from her nap, she started in again on watching shows (I'm not allowing her to watch any more today because she was being so bossy and horrible). If I tell her to play with toys or give her an alternative (get markers & paper out) she will freak out. She screamed at me AGAIN about an hour ago, so I marched her straight to her room, where she peed her pants in defiance. I let DH deal with her when he got home because I am just so sick of it!

I just don't know what to do. About 3 months ago, DH packed up the TV because of her acting like this. I told him when he got home I wanted him to do it again. I am SO sick of the temper tantrums over watching shows. It's ridiculous.

What would you do? I *do* give her a swat on her bottom when she sasses me. Not hard, but enough to know that I don't appreciate her behavior. It doesn't seem to work though, it just makes her madder and defeats the purpose. I just don't know how else to handle this! Please help!!!!

[kayce]

Wow...I have three girls and dd #2 is exactly like this but at a 6 y.o. level. I would suggest reading Dr. Dobson's, A Strong Willed Child. An amazing and uplifting book. I could talk for hours on this topic but I think you have to discover certain "truths" on your own for them to really sink in and have personal meaning. Hang in there and start reading up.

[carriesmom]

This sounds like my Carrie, she is 3 1/2. She would yell at me at the top of her lungs that "she doesn't like this." And she smacked me on my leg and arm one or two times. Yes, we spank. DH and I finally told her what was expected of her and what her consequences were if she yelled or hit and we had to follow through every single time. That is the hardest part is being consistent. If you falter once, then she has won. After she would calm down, we would sit her down and explain why she was punished, have her apologize and then move on. We always explain what is going one because she is a smart girl and she understands at a certain level and I think she responded to that the most. She has grown out of the hitting and screaming but she still test limits but she knows we mean business.

It is about testing limits as you know and it's hard as a parent, particularly a mommy to not give in, just to keep the peace. Just keep consistent and she will eventually get the idea that you are running the show.

[luckyme]

I recommend a similar book: Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Dr. Rex Forehand. It's a program of tips to master to help you with a young, strong-willed child. I know my DD is strong-willed. I loved how this book starts with the parenting skill of attending (being present and verbally narrating for the child). My DD needs that attention. And I've found that "catching her being good" and heaping the praise on then helps. The book talks about ignoring poor behaviour and using time outs, which are important, but for us, her behaviour is at its best when we're giving her positive attention. Which only makes sense, I suppose. If you think back on your worklife, you probably gave your best effort to the nicest bosses who appreciated what you did, as opposed to those @#$# bosses who only criticized, right?

[MamaBee]

Ugh, these type of days are rough ones... we go through battles too. And good for you in not giving into her demands. I would, too, pack it up and put it away. We do time outs (SuperNanny style)... and they have worked. Now I just have to point and say, GO! and he will go off to the timeout place... or I, too, get so frustrated at times that I will just ignore him and he will eventually give up and he is off onto something else... but it takes a long time... As my grandmother would say, "this, too, shall pass"... Good luck and hang in there!!

[Paula]

The best advice I can give is to be consistent. If you take her to her room, do that every time and explain that she will not be allowed to watch tv as long as she acts like that. If she pees her pants again, put a diaper on her and tell her that if she's going to act like a baby and pee in her pants, that she will start wearing diapers again. I know it sounds mean, but it does work.

[meems]

If it were me, I'd just ban the TV. In my experience, my kids behave much better the less TV they watch.

I feel for you though because I have a similarly willed daughter.

[g6scrapped]

This sounds so much like my 3 year old daughter. The only thing that has seemed to work with her is timeout. We make her sit in her brother's highchair at the table. I tried swatting her behind like you said you did and it didn't phase her one bit at all.

I know this doesn't help at all but just know I'm right there with ya!

[scrapperjade]

Thanks for your advice ladies! I will check those books out for sure as I'm sure it's only going to get worse once baby #2 arrives in March.

One good thing is that we are consistent. I am a firm believer in following through on my threats - if I tell her she is going to go to her room or get a swat, it WILL happen. She knows it too. Doesn't stop her from trying though.

I am just so.... blah... about this. Maybe because I've hit my 3rd trimester. I'm more tired and irritable lately, and I try REALLY hard not to take it out on DD. She ended up in her room for being bad, but I also needed it to calm down and not discipline her in a way I would regret. It's really hard to be patient sometimes. I know she is learning her boundaries, but OMGoodness. I didn't realize it would be so life-draining and stressful, lol!

I really could use a nice rum & coke right now. Unfortunately that will not happen, lol!!

[WalkersMommy]

I wish I had some advice. All I have are ((hugs)) and to tell you I know how you feel. DS will be 3 in 3 weeks and acts the EXACT same way lately.

[jocelinsmommy]

my soon to be 5 year old was like that back at 3 and 4 and it was with her Nintendo DS...she could care less about the TV...so she started screaming and yelling wanting it at bedtime etc...and I finally told her I'd had enough of it and we took it away for almost a year. She eventually forgot about having it...but "Santa" brought her one for good behavior. I told her several nights before santa came that if she started acting like she did last time with the DS that again we would take it away for a long long time. She has been very good the last few days and we are hoping she understood that since it disappeared for a long time that it will disappear for a long time again with negative behavior.

[schock77]

Not much in the area of advice that hasn't already been said... I second the strong-wiled child books (read them both) And another called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey... it's based on conscious discipline brain research, but it's the parent-friendly version. I've read a LOT as I teach special needs 3-5 year olds and behavior is often a factor.

That said, I still have those moments with my seven year old... so just try to keep your cool and know sometimes, no matter what you do, you may have a meltdown to deal with. That thought alone makes me feel better sometimes! HUGS!

[hmlentz]

I think what you did was good. Just STICK to it. It will be hard for a while but if you set up a routine and stick with it (that's the hardest part) she will learn the routine. I think I read somewhere it takes about a week. You might set up a visual to help her see and prepare for her allowed shows. You could print off a logo for the shows she likes to watch. Say Dora and Blues Clues. If she is allowed to watch 3 shows, then she gets to watch one twice. Print them off on a sheet like a reward chart. After the show ends she can cross off the picture and know that she has done that one. They are VERY visual at that age and anything you can do to help her "see" her time going by should help. But it will still take consistency on your end. good luck!!

[AmyM]

We went through that too. You have to find what makes them tick and work on it. Consistency is key at that age. When dd was 3 I'd take her favorite toys and make her watch me put them away. That would take care of the problem. Now she's 9 and we're going through some major attitude. I've grounded her for 3 weeks and taken everything electronic including phone privileges away from her- and even that didn't work. Sometimes they just go through stages and I guess we do the best we can and hope it ends soon!

[tjscraps]

Ava and Kaitlyn are SO similar it's scary. Kaitlyn does the same thing. We've just started (I don't know if it's going to work though) a reward chart - I put all the things I want her to do on it, and we got star stickers and when she does something 'good' , she gets a star on the chart. If she gets 5 stars she gets a bigger reward (right now she loves smarties, so we have the halloween sized boxes and she will get 1 box every time she's done something 5 times when asked). We started just before Christmas and then left though, so I don't know if it's going to work with the temper tantrums. But I have also found with her tantrums that it's an attention thing - if I ignore them, she stops. It is SO frustrating though, I know how you feel! I feel like I've got the biggest brat in the world (even though I know in the back of my mind that it's just a stage).

[HeatherKS]

*sigh* I am right there with you. My ds turned 3 in September and for the past two months he has been a complete terror. Screaming and throwing fits when he doesn't get his way, hitting, pinching, and just acting like a complete brat. We try to be consistent with him but nothing seems to work and the smallest thing sets him off. I keep chanting to myself "this too shall pass" but boy, when you're in the heat of the moment it is really hard to see the end of the tunnel. I think I'll pick up a couple of the books mentioned. I always thought my oldest child was strong-willed but it looks like she was just a warm-up for the main event. LOL

[scrapperjade]

Thank you SOOOO much all of you who have replied! I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this! It's really hard because 75% of the time she is sweet and fun and a very good girl. Then she has this temper streak and it blows me away every time! Some days (yesterday) I feel like a failure as a parent and just want to sit in my room and cry.

I will be looking for those books at my library next time I go. And I love the idea of printing out a visual for her to cross off her shows as she watches them! I think that will be helpful for her.

Last night after DD went to bed, I had DH remove the TV from the living room. It's now sitting in our bedroom, in the corner, covered in a blanket. First thing she did this morning (after our snuggle in bed), was ask for a show and run to the living room. And I had to laugh when "HEY! Where did the show go?!?!" came tumbling out of her mouth, haha! Maybe I'm a little evil, but I thought it was funny, lol.

Today she is hanging out with Grandma. She wanted to go to Grandma's house, so mom said she'd take her for part of the day (till naptime). The house is SO quiet! I'm so glad for that because I am needing the break. Yesterday I was at my breaking point. I was seriously ready to burst into tears and walk out the door...

[MissKim]

I love 3 year olds. They are just so trying to determine what they can and can't manipulate, and thinking they rule the world. I teach them every day and I totally love getting in that war of wills and giving them the consistency they need to realize that thinks will be OK when someone else is in charge. Most of my 3 year olds are also speech delayed and have parents who are not consistent, so it's a challenge, but so fun.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing... setting limits, being consistent. It's easy for me to do those things because I'm not related to my students, and I get to send them home after 3 hours. Living with it 24/7 cannot be fun, which is why most parents aren't consistent and have no limits. You're a good mom, and yes, it's tiring and probably crazy difficult while pregnant, but you're doing the best thing for your child.

[farrijc]

I think a chart would help, too. If you want to go a step farther, make her "earn" the shows, whether it be with good behavior, small chores around the house, or for finding other good/positive activities to keep herself entertained. All the things she could do to earn the shows could be on the chart, too.

[sprauncey1]

Whoever said the Terrible Twos never had a Three year old! LOL!

Hang in there. Parenting with Love and Logic is a great read/tool at this age as well. Consistency, giving choices when applicable and praise are a big part of this age. And yes pregnancy/tiredness does affect you a lot in how much sass you can handle. Don't beat yourself up! She may be acting out more due to the more obvious change coming, just give her lots of love when she isn't being a tyrant!

[jessidot]

I'd vote for taking TV time away until tantrums stop. Maybe try rewarding good behavior with an episode until she can start watching them regularly again..?

[jacinda]

Originally Posted by meems

If it were me, I'd just ban the TV. In my experience, my kids behave much better the less TV they watch.

I feel for you though because I have a similarly willed daughter.

This exactly. If the TV is a chief cause of her tantrums, then take the TV away. Fullstop. My girls (4 and 7) started having little tantrums whenever I turned the TV off too, and I also noticed they started talking back more. So I stopped them watching TV. Their behaviour improved dramatically, and they realised that TV was not a necessity to their day. I now allow them to watch a little TV, but not necessarily every day, and they appreciate that it's a privelege, not a right. The very next time they grizzle about TV, they don't get it for a week.