children, tubal and husband

[Mye]

I have twin daughters and have been pestering my husband that I want another baby (hoping for a boy) since the girls are turning 7 this July but.....he doesn't want another baby

He said he feels we aren't financially capable to raise another child but that's not my perception. We aren't rich but we are both working but he's someone who wants to get hands of every gadget he'd ever see and that makes me a bit disappointed

And he said someday, when we are both ready again, we can just probably adopt. Adopt, yes - because he wants me to get a tubal this year. I am opposing about the idea because I am not yet ready.

Have you ever had this argument with your husband?

[dailydwellin]

Yikes...that's so hard! I see anything permanent as a huge step, one that I wouldn't take unless you were both positive that you don't want another baby.

My husband and I haven't had that exact argument but we've been at different places in terms of wanting/not wanting another one. We've always just waited until we were both ready.

[joelsgirl]

We are having the same discussion about having a tubal. I actually DO want to adopt, but Joel says he only wants three children PERIOD. And since the third is on the way, he wants me to have my tubes tied when they take the baby. It makes sense, especially since I'm almost 35 and don't want to have any more biological children...it's just that I don't want to know I CAN'T have any more, kwim? You never know what might happen or how I might feel later on.

I totally don't think you should have a tubal without being at peace with it. My dr. told me last week that it's the #1 most regretted medical procedure.

[tanyiadeskins]

That's a tough place to be in, I do not think I personally could ever have a tubal. I just do not want to take that choice away from myself. I do think that you definitely should not do something until you both come to a compromise though.

[breakingbrie]

Mye, my twin daughters are turning 7 this August (oh, that makes me feel old, saying that)

I'm in the opposite position of you - I want to have a tubal, but dh still kind of wants another. I say kind of since we haven't talked seriously about having more, but he makes random comments about 'when we have the next' and doesn't want me to do anything permanant yet. I feel like the girls are it for me, I don't see myself wanting any more.

I definitely don't think that you should have the tubal, though, if you're not ready!!

[Kara]

DH and I debated about this over and over after #2. I felt the same way -- that I just couldn't do something permanent, especially after all it took to get pregnant with our first. We ended up with a surprise DD and now we are SO happy that we didn't take any permanent steps. Now that I'm pregnant with #4, though, we are both quite certain we are done and I will have no regrets having a tubal if I do end up with a c/s this time around.

Can you try something like an IUD -- it's reversible, at least, and still gives you the option of having another if you both come to that decision.

[mrshobbes]

I just wanted to offer a ((HUG))--and say that yup, unless you are 110% certain, DON'T go for it. (I'm sorry, but it sounds to me a bit like he's dictating what he wants you to do

[marnel]

I agree with Kara an IUD is do-able in my book.

A tubal is so permanent and adoption is awesome but if you really want your own then it's hard to give that choice up :/

I had a tubal after my 6th child we knew we were good. My realest realization of it was my loss of my dd in 2010. It made me want another child but I am thankful that I had a tubal b/c I wasn't thinking rationally so that would've been bad decision making on my part :| I know my dh thought i was losing it at some point but he's a keeper b/c he brought me back to reality!!

big big hugs

[ayaandjudah]

We were in a similar place. I wanted one more, he felt finished. We were discussing what to do when I got pregnant by surprise. Oh I'll never forget looking at that pregnancy test with my eyes bulging. Now that gorgeous surprise will be turning one next thursday. (SOB).

Anyway, my point is that if YOU are not 100% sure you're done, nothing permanent should be done. I always say. You'll never regret having a child but you might always regret not having one.

HUGS

[YepBrook]

I posted a few months ago about the baby thing. DH and I were in disagreement about it. And then, suddenly, he was on board! I was surprised. So, to say the least, he could change his mind. Especially if he has mentioned adopting another child. Definitely don't do the tubal!

Perhaps you could work on softening his heart to the idea? I think my DH's mind changed after a man spoke at our church about things he regrets in his old age. He is a father of 3 children and his regret was not having more. Children are a blessing to us! They're work now, but in our old age they give us grandchildren, surround us with family, are our dear friends, and help us as we grow old. Of course, that's not guaranteed, but I think if we have raised them right they will give back what we filled them up with. I would just keep mentioning it in a non-argumentative way. Think of real reasons why a child is more valuable in life than the latest gadget and gently remind him of those things. Perhaps over time he will agree? And if he doesn't, at least you'll know you tried. HUGS!

[iScrap]

I think it's important for both of you to be 100% on the same page before steps are taken in any direction (having a tubal or having another child). If you're not on the same page, give it time until you're both comfortable. That time may never come, or it may happen sooner than you think.

Our twins are still under the age of 5, but sometimes I get the urge for more. But then I wonder if it's just the loud ticking of the biological clock, a real want, or something else. It's hard to know sometimes. For now, we choose to be happy with what we have and if something else happens, we'll consider it a blessing and enjoy it.

I wouldn't get a tubal at my age anyway (I'm 35) unless it was medically necessary. Biology will take care of that issue soon enough. lolol I think an IUD is a good recommendation for exploration.

[Lyd]

Originally Posted by YepBrook

Perhaps you could work on softening his heart to the idea? I think my DH's mind changed after a man spoke at our church about things he regrets in his old age. He is a father of 3 children and his regret was not having more. Children are a blessing to us! They're work now, but in our old age they give us grandchildren, surround us with family, are our dear friends, and help us as we grow old. Of course, that's not guaranteed, but I think if we have raised them right they will give back what we filled them up with. I would just keep mentioning it in a non-argumentative way. Think of real reasons why a child is more valuable in life than the latest gadget and gently remind him of those things. Perhaps over time he will agree? And if he doesn't, at least you'll know you tried. HUGS!

Beautifully put, Brook.

I agree with the others. If you aren't 100% sure, don't do a tubal. I had mine done after baby #4 was born in August. And, I don't regret it although it does feel a little strange to know that this is the end of the road. I've just been in baby mode for the last 8 years so it's kind of weird to move on from that mentally. But, I'm 38 and my last pregnancy was difficult. I know that I can't put my body through that again.

Of course, I keep waiting for Vanessa to pop in here and remind us about what can happen, even after a tubal.

[kim21673]

I think it's really important for BOTH of you to be 100% ready to make that decision. Of course I wouldn't get pregnant unless DH was absolutely sure he wanted another, so I would opt for an IUD.

We were done having kids after #3 and DH was going to go in and have a V done in 2007b/c I told him 16 years on BCP was long enough...but he never had it done. In the Fall of 2009 we had a heart to heart talk about feeling like someone was missing from our family and we both agreed that we wanted another one!! DH didn't want any kids but agreed on one when we got married......we now have 4 boys!!! Children are a blessing and I don't know of anyone who ever regretted having another child.

About finances.....We brought up money a lot in our discussions.....If we waited until we were more financially secure, we wouldn't have had any children b/c we would have been too old! LOL We made A LOT of sacrifices over the years and are finally comfortable with our finances...

Good luck!! I hope it all works out!!

[LibbysMommy]

I agree with everyone else. I wouldn't do anything if you're not 100% at peace with it. It's amazing how quickly we can change our minds!! My husband and I have been convinced for about a year that we're done and all of a sudden I find myself wondering if I'm really sure...could have something to do with so many of my friends having babies recently/soon, but I really don't know!! lol

(((hugs))) to you. Here's hoping you feel peace with this situation soon!!

[Milmomma]

I have to agree with the ladies don't do the Tubal untill your 110% sure. I've went even more permant and am/was 100% sure I was done, as was my husband. But I still have this nagging occasional what if? Though mine was done for medical reasons its still rough when the descision is taken away. If you can, I think the IUD is a great choice. These ladies are so smart!

[maryinaz]

My first question would be, if HE doesn't want anymore children, why is he wanting YOU to get fixed instead of him? It's a much easier procedure for a guy.

The finances thing is real. When your kids are little, (and I'm talking about under 10 or 12 years old) it's hard to think about or imagine that things might be tight later . But as a mom of older kids (20, 17, and twins are 13), we are in our most expensive time of our lives and it's hard! College, driving, more expensive clothes (because they are bigger!), more food, etc. And if your DH has a habit of gadgets, then it's more to think about. Those kids will want gadgets too!

I do agree with everyone that neither you or your DH should do anything permanent until you are both 100% certain about more kids. But be sure to take that finances thing into consideration since it's already been brought up.

[kscwgirl]

Mary said what I was going to say... why is he pushing the tubal? It's a much easier procedure for him....

Anyway.. I wouldn't get it either. My husband was snipped while I was still pregnant with our youngest, but we talked about it first.. and we were done. I had a horrible pregnancy and cannot put myself and my body through that again. Ever.

[kristijoy]

After reading about all the ladies (On this board!) that have gotten pregnant after a tubal...I wouldn't personally choose that as a birth control method. If he doesn't want kids, should be for him to get snipped! Much easier for a guy, short recovery, etc...

[Mye]

Thanks for all the enlightenment girls - I really do appreciate you all popping in to share your thoughts.

The thing in our country is --- men thinks they'd lose a lot with vasectomy. There are only a few men who did it here. I don't know if DH thinks the same way but I bet it's not that but the procedure that scares him (you know this man is afraid of medical procedures)

He saw my pregnancy as a risky one - was on bed rest my entire pregnancy but it's not like I'm gonna die! I guess I need to have another heart to heart talk with him. Not sure if I will be able to convince him but now I know I don't have to jump into something I might regret later on.

Regarding IUD, I haven't thought of it honestly. Just seeing the thing already makes me uncomfortable lol!

[carrie1977]

We are kind of in the same boat. I would love to have another baby but my husband doesn't. He is going to be 40 this year and feels he is just too old to have another. I also know we couldn't afford daycare for another. We have an 8 and a 4 year old. I understand where he is coming from but it doesn't mean that the feeling isn't there. I have an IUD because I'm not ready to close the book.

[WendyBird]

I am totally done, as is my boyfriend. Our kids are teenagers now and there is no way we want to start over with a baby. I am on my second IUD and it was the best birth control choice I have made. (I got pregnant on the pill)

I had pain with the insertion and then when they took it out and put a new one in 5 years later - think really bad cramps for 24 hours... but I know a quite a few women who've done it with no pain at all! The best part for me is that I haven't had a period in almost 7 years since I had it put in LOL

[amymom24]

Please, please don't get it done before you're ready! That would such a huge regret I have had it done, but my husband and I discussed it for almost 3 years before deciding to move forward with it. If you think there's a chance you want another baby, please don't do it yet!

[nesser1981]

I got a tubal 4 years ago after my son was born, I wanted to have the procedure.

However, I think you have better luck with the vasectomy, because, I'm 10 weeks pregnant.


Just FYI for your husband, the more years that pass, the less effective a tubal is, according to everything I've read.

[haydensmommy217]

I have known a couple of people that have gotten pregnant after get a tubal, I got my IUD 6 years ago I am on my second one as they last 5 years. I am only 26 and I know with in the next 10 I am going to want at least one more ( maybe) I just want to have the option of being able to have more. From what my doctor told me that once the IUD is removed (if you want to get pregnant) your fertility should go back to normal after the first period and could get pregnant within a year. But its different for everyone my friend was getting getting hers replaced and she didn't use a backup for the first few weeks and she got pregnant. Also its awesome that I haven't had a period in 6 years. It is a little painful when it is inserted and discomfort for 24 hours after placement but it is so worth it until your ready to have another child without having surgery.

[Sherri Tierney]

Its so hard when you aren't on the same page. My DH and I have been there a time or two. I wanted kids right after we got married. He wanted to wait. I agreed to wait until we were both on the same page. All it took was a visit to see his sister and new baby niece and he went out and bought a stroller system.

We lost our first baby and conceived again 4 months later. It was a terrifying pregnancy after having just lost one. I was on bedrest for a while and had to have a cervical cerclage but the mental and emotional aspects of it were the tough part. I was pregnant again before my first baby was even due so there was a lot of crazy emotions and guilt involved. I wasn't convinced we'd actually get to bring our baby home until the day we did bring her home from the hospital. After that I was just consumed with her. DH wanted another one but the idea scared me. I was so afraid to get pregnant again. I didn't want to push my luck or tempt fate. When my daughter was 7 months old I had a pregnancy scare. I actually got a positive on a home test and went in for blood work. I was so scared. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was at the idea of having another child right then. The nurse called and told me my blood test was negative and I was so relieved and so excited. I looked over and my DH was crying. He wanted another one so bad and had already formed an attachment with the idea. He told me then that he was on board any time that I was ready. My daughter was 2 before I was ready to try for another. We had my son when my daughter was almost 3.5. The pregnancy with him was miserable but it wasn't scary and emotional like the pregnancy with her. I had more complications and more medical issues (on top of the incompetent cervix) but it still felt much easier in the end. He was a difficult baby though. He had colic and reflux and he cried 22 hours a day and life was really hard with him. It wasn't until he was a toddler that it got easier. When he was 2 we decided that we had survived and we were ready to try again. We've been trying for over 4 years now and, unfortunately, no luck yet.

Like Tanyia, I can't imagine getting a tubal. Its too permanent. If it was a matter of my life being at risk during another pregnancy I would consider it but that would be the only reason I'd take such a drastic step. My doctor actually suggested a hysterectomy to me or a uterine ablation, both of which would make me sterile and I cried and refused.

I hope you are able to hold off and wait until you are on the same page.

[Mye]

I guess IUD is the best option for me right now. I asked him last night about vasectomy and it's really not that he doesn't like it but it's the procedure he's scared about. I hope there are men in his office who can talk to him about it. I still have to talk to my doctor about it though.

I am scared of the IUD - i saw the thing several times during my family planning reports in high school and college lol and it got me scared of it.