Sibling DNA Test

[Elsie]

In July, completely out of the blue, I got a message on Facebook from a girl 10 years my junior....claiming to be my half sister. If I had any other father, I would have deemed it a hoax but I know what my dad is like and so I embraced the possibility of having another sister. When I spoke to my dad about it, he said he was surprised the girl wasn't 2 years older than me because I have an older half sister, and he won't give me any details about her.

Anyway, my entire family has disowned me because I wouldn't ignore this girl. 2 weeks ago we did a home DNA test and we're currently waiting for the results. We've used GeneTrack in Canada, so it took a while to get here, and to send back. I am nervous, unsettled and struggling to focus with work. I wish I could offer this girl the world, she's so lovely, but all I can give her is my love and friendship. It's hard knowing how to handle a delicate 20 year old who is quiet and shy, and cries bitterly because she knows she will never get a happy ending with her dad. Does anyone have any advice? I feel responsible for my family being so cruel to her, I feel like she's looking to me for all the answers and I just don't have any to give

The results should be with us any day now, I am split over the outcome, I kind of wish she could find a family who would love and adore her as much as I do, and at the same time I feel scared if it's negative because it will kick off WWIII with my family and I, I can only imagine the backlash it will have on me.

Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this?

[krystalhartley]

Wow! I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you're experiencing. I haven't had nearly enough sleep to offer any sort of wisdom, but I hope everything turns out the best it possibly can and that the hurt your family is facing will diminish.

[heathergw]

I can't even imagine the emotional rollercoaster you're on... I have no advice but wanted to send you some (((hugs)))

[kelley]

Well, I haven't been through anything like that, so really have no experience to give advice. But I do think that she will be better off just having your love and support if the test comes out positive. I hope everything works out for the best for you guys!! Prayers going up!

[Beebo]

Wow! I hope the results turn out to be what you want. I also have a half sister I have never met and would love to find her. My family also think I am crazy for wanting to find her. She would be younger than me but I still think of her as my family. Just keep loving her and support her the best you know how. And I'm pretty sure things will work out.

[NatalieKW]

I don't have any experience at all sort of like this, but I wanted to say good luck! I hope that the results turn out like you want and that if she is your sister you will be the gateway to her having a relationship with your dad...even if it does take a little while!

[MamaBee]

Many hugs and prayers... I hope you get the answers you need from the test!

[Misty Cato]

No advice, but wanted to say I think it is wonderful your heart is so open to her.

Originally Posted by Elsie

I wish I could offer this girl the world, she's so lovely, but all I can give her is my love and friendship.

This is gift the best gift you can give. If she does turn out to be your sister, I hope you two are able to find a firm bond of sisterhood that is a blessing to you both.

[k23m]

My husband has a half brother who is about 14 years older than him - his mom and half brother found each other about 10 years ago. She had him when she was young and her brothers made her give him up. Anyway - he has been accepted into our family and we see him and his family a couple times a year. (They live over 3 hours away).

I think it is wonderful that you are loving and supporting this girl. Shame on the rest of your family for being mean and upset with you because you are showing LOVE to someone!! Ugh...that just guts me. If she wasnt claiming to be your sister, would they have a problem with you being her friend? What's the difference, really? She is a person just like the rest of us.

I hope she can come to terms with the fact that your dad doesnt want anything to do with her - that is his problem, not hers. And you are not responsible for your family, whatsoever! Do not feel guilty about that!

[jacinda]

Well first off, I don't know why the family have disowned YOU for wanting to know her. It's not YOUR fault (or hers) that this situation occurred. I think they're being absolutely unreasonable. If anything they should be mad at your Dad. You do what you know in your heart to be right. Being kind and showing love and compassion to others is the right thing to do. If you want to be the big sister, be the big sister. Just remember that if the results do confirm what you suspect, then maintain the sister role. Don't try to be her parent and do everything/provide everything for her. Just be the sister/friend that it sounds like she needs. Is your Dad going to get to know her?

[carrie1977]

Originally Posted by jacinda

Well first off, I don't know why the family have disowned YOU for wanting to know her. It's not YOUR fault (or hers) that this situation occurred. I think they're being absolutely unreasonable. If anything they should be mad at your Dad. You do what you know in your heart to be right. Being kind and showing love and compassion to others is the right thing to do. If you want to be the big sister, be the big sister. Just remember that if the results do confirm what you suspect, then maintain the sister role. Don't try to be her parent and do everything/provide everything for her. Just be the sister/friend that it sounds like she needs. Is your Dad going to get to know her?

These were my exact thoughts!!

My Mom found out that she has a 1/2 brother that is her father's child. He was conceived in Germany when my grandfather was stationed there. My grandfather lost contact with them when he came back to the states. The brother and his mom came to the US (Michigan) when he was very young looking for my grandfather but he was here in California and married to my grandmother. My grandmother forbid him to have any sort of relationship with this child. She was very young (10 years his junior) and very jealous of this woman. My Mom and her siblings had no idea that this 1/2 brother ever existed because he was never spoken of. Well, out of the blue one day my mom gets a call from the mother. She was very taken back by the call and after she had time to process it she decided she'd like to get to know the brother. Turns out the brother didn't want to have anything to do with his 1/2 siblings. He was already well into adulthood and has a great job with GMC Motors, he's married and has children of his own. My Mom still keeps in contact with the mother occasionally. She held out hope for quite some time that the brother would have a change of heart.

I don't know where I was going with that story. It sounds to me like all she really wants is to know her family and probably doesn't expect anything from you other than a relationship. I guess you just have to keep an open mind and open arms if the results come in that she is indeed your family.

If your family takes it out on you, then shame on them.

[jessica31876]

I hope you get the results you want. I also hope that if the test reveals she is your dad's biological child your family will grow to accept her.

I wsa not in your exact situation but a few years ago my nephew who my sister lost to the state came back in our lives and it truly was an emotional roller coaster ride. He had his name changed. He grew up in a different family and had lots of issues in that family. I remembered him well and who he was at the age of 6 when he left and I guess still expected to see part of who he was but that did not happen. And then to know that he did not remember any of us really also hurt a lot. What I learned from this situation is to accept him as he was. I loved my nephew and that did not matter how long we were apart. It was a little awkward because we both kinda thought we would have some sort of instant bond because we were family but it did not happen like that. Not sure if that will help you or not...I guess what I am saying is just be there and build the relationship you did not have a chance to before now and dont worry about everyone else.

[SeattleSheri]

I completely agree with Jacinda. I think it's unreasonable that your family would ostersize you or her. I'd rather not elaborate, but I have some experience on this topic and it pains me to see either of you getting alientated by this. Big hugs! KUP!

[Sherri Tierney]

I have no advice. Just lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your possible sister.

It always amazes me how many surprise family members people find. I, no doubt, have some siblings I've never met. My dad has never been in the picture. He and my mom were in their really early 20's when I came along (my mom turned 21 when I was 8 months old) and the only thing I really know about my father is his name. Truth be told, I can only hope that the named person really is my father but it's hard to say after all the stories I've heard growing up. Based on this, it wouldn't surprise me in the least to be contacted from someone claiming to be a younger sibling.

My mom is a product of divorce. She spent some time living with her dad when she was in her late teens (she got pregnant with me when she was living with her dad). She never talked about that time with him except to bash him and talk about how horrible her step-mom was. Never once did she mention him having any other kids (just her and her older brother) or anything like that. So, imagine my surprise when I'm stopping by my uncle's facebook page to wish him a happy birthday and see a post saying "Happy Birthday, brother" and then going on to ask about "sister Cheryl". I freaked out a little. Cheryl is my mom! Come to find out, there are 7 or 8 brothers and sisters that she has and never told me about. She knew them, she spent time with them, etc. She just failed to inform her children they have all these aunts, uncles and cousins. Funny thing is, they just live about 65 miles from here. I haven't met them yet but plan to.

[joelsgirl]

Are your parents still together? Sounds more like everyone is seeing this girl as a sign of a mistake instead of as a person to love. : ( I'd treat her as a friend, and I hope she's able to make peace with your dad's choice not to meet her.

[nun69]

Originally Posted by k23m

My husband has a half brother who is about 14 years older than him - his mom and half brother found each other about 10 years ago. She had him when she was young and her brothers made her give him up. Anyway - he has been accepted into our family and we see him and his family a couple times a year. (They live over 3 hours away).

I have a similiar situtation and found out at 18 that I had another borther an dsister (older) that my grandparents made my mom give up when she was 16 and 18....well long story short, we ALL met with my mom's family in 1995 and 17 years later my sister and I are the best of friends and if we didn't live across country from each other, we would be together ALL the time my best advice would be do what your heart/gut tells you no matter what the results are

eta; the 3 of them all have the same dad and mom and I have a differnt dad LOL! but their dad raised me from the time I was 1 until they divorced. to add to the bizzare family situation I have another sister (same step dad, different mom...so really she isn't realted but I consider her a sister) that is my step dad's daughter and my mom's son she had at 18 are roughly 2 weeks apart! Yep guess what he was doing! Needless to say he stayed with Patirica (the other mom) while my mom had to give up my brother...so a whole nother story.......but after everything is said and done, all of the siblings are happily friends and love to be together when we can!

[Buggie185]

Best wishes to you and to this young woman. Whether you share DNA or not the prospect of being sisters brought you together and you can be friends either way. You don't have to share the results with your family until you are ready. I hope some healing and growth happens for everyone because of this situation.

[LeeAndra]

Not a sibling, but similar: I was adopted by my mom's second (and current) husband when I was 4. My biological father was not in the picture and died when I was 16. 3 years ago, I Googled my paternal grandmother's name, found her obituary as she had recently passed away, and then saw that I had 3 cousins that I had not known existed until then.

It has been great getting to know them over the last couple years, and while we all live far apart, it has definitely filled a space inside me that I hadn't realized needed filling. The rest of the family is dysfunctional at best, so it's just us cousins that are in touch with one another.

My sister had a meltdown over it at first telling me that they weren't 'real' family since I hadn't grown up with them. When I pointed out that I had no choice as to whether I grew up with them or not, she became more enraged. She and I still do not discuss the issue, but she has calmed down abt it now that she's realized it's not going to just disappear because she wants it to. There's no way I'd give up my relationships with my cousins no matter what my immediate family said or felt, so I'm glad that the situation has been resolved.

[Ironically, one of those cousins flew out this week to visit and is sitting across from me in my living room while I type this!]

It's definitely possible that I have a half sibling out there, but considering my biological father has been dead for almost 20 years and I don't live in the area where he lived (and died), I can't imagine how I would ever find out if I had one or not.

[Elsie]

Thank you ever so much for all the kind words and support, it's nice to have somewhere I can offload and get advice.

Originally Posted by Beebo

Wow! I hope the results turn out to be what you want. I also have a half sister I have never met and would love to find her. My family also think I am crazy for wanting to find her. She would be younger than me but I still think of her as my family. Just keep loving her and support her the best you know how. And I'm pretty sure things will work out.

I think that's one of the things that hit me the most...do I want to wonder for the rest of my life? I already have a sister 7 years my junior, we don't get on and never have, and a brother who 2 months younger than the potential new sister. I get on with my brother, but I've never experienced a sisterly bond, and I don't think I could live the rest of my life not knowing for sure if she is my sister or not. It really is crazy emotional, and it would indeed be much easier if none of this had happened, but I think she's worth the spiking emotions and fall out with my family. I guess you just have to follow your heart on these things.

Originally Posted by Misty Cato

No advice, but wanted to say I think it is wonderful your heart is so open to her.

This is gift the best gift you can give. If she does turn out to be your sister, I hope you two are able to find a firm bond of sisterhood that is a blessing to you both.

You seem to be coming from the same mindset as my husband, it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, so thank you. I've lost my footing a few times and panicked, and the only thing that has kept me going is the emotional aspect of things, how beautiful and kind natured this girl is, how she is searching for somewhere to belong and just wants to be part of a family. I just wish my family could feel the same way I do.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by k23m

My husband has a half brother who is about 14 years older than him - his mom and half brother found each other about 10 years ago. She had him when she was young and her brothers made her give him up. Anyway - he has been accepted into our family and we see him and his family a couple times a year. (They live over 3 hours away).

I think it is wonderful that you are loving and supporting this girl. Shame on the rest of your family for being mean and upset with you because you are showing LOVE to someone!! Ugh...that just guts me. If she wasnt claiming to be your sister, would they have a problem with you being her friend? What's the difference, really? She is a person just like the rest of us.

I hope she can come to terms with the fact that your dad doesnt want anything to do with her - that is his problem, not hers. And you are not responsible for your family, whatsoever! Do not feel guilty about that!

Could I be nosy and ask if your half BIL had any resentment towards his mother? Or did his siblings have any towards him? My full sister has been particularly cruel to the potential half sister, she is always stressing the my in "my dad". Last Friday, she called our dad on the house phone and put him on hands free, then called Hannah on her mobile, she asked him "so if the DNA comes back positive, will you see Hannah?" and he, not knowing he was on hands free, answered "absolutely not, too much water has gone under the bridge and I'm sure she can manage without a father, she has done for this long". Hannah called me in floods of tears, it was the first time she had heard his voice because he refuses to speak to her, and to hear him say that just broke her heart.

What gets me is that this girl isn't asking for anything, she isn't even expecting anything, and the way they turned their backs on her is appalling. I can honestly say I have never been so ashamed of my family before. they're all void of human emotion! Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by jacinda

Well first off, I don't know why the family have disowned YOU for wanting to know her. It's not YOUR fault (or hers) that this situation occurred. I think they're being absolutely unreasonable. If anything they should be mad at your Dad. You do what you know in your heart to be right. Being kind and showing love and compassion to others is the right thing to do. If you want to be the big sister, be the big sister. Just remember that if the results do confirm what you suspect, then maintain the sister role. Don't try to be her parent and do everything/provide everything for her. Just be the sister/friend that it sounds like she needs. Is your Dad going to get to know her?

When I talked to him about it in July. He gave me at least 3 different stories. I have met the mother, I haven't met the mother, and do you expect me to remember every woman I have ever met? I said that I didn't care if he was having an affair behind my mother's back at the time (they've been divorced for 14 years now anyway) and that I just wanted the truth. His answer to that was slamming the phone down on me, and texting me lots of vile messages about how I'm interfering and nothing but trouble. I'm trying to be a sister, but I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough and it's frustrating that I can't stop the hurt they're all causing her. Thank you for the support, the things they say and do makes me question my reasons and sanity constantly.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by carrie1977

These were my exact thoughts!!

My Mom found out that she has a 1/2 brother that is her father's child. He was conceived in Germany when my grandfather was stationed there. My grandfather lost contact with them when he came back to the states. The brother and his mom came to the US (Michigan) when he was very young looking for my grandfather but he was here in California and married to my grandmother. My grandmother forbid him to have any sort of relationship with this child. She was very young (10 years his junior) and very jealous of this woman. My Mom and her siblings had no idea that this 1/2 brother ever existed because he was never spoken of. Well, out of the blue one day my mom gets a call from the mother. She was very taken back by the call and after she had time to process it she decided she'd like to get to know the brother. Turns out the brother didn't want to have anything to do with his 1/2 siblings. He was already well into adulthood and has a great job with GMC Motors, he's married and has children of his own. My Mom still keeps in contact with the mother occasionally. She held out hope for quite some time that the brother would have a change of heart.

I don't know where I was going with that story. It sounds to me like all she really wants is to know her family and probably doesn't expect anything from you other than a relationship. I guess you just have to keep an open mind and open arms if the results come in that she is indeed your family.

If your family takes it out on you, then shame on them.

Do you think maybe your half uncle decided it was too painful to be a part of your family because he'd already been rejected by your grandmother? Jealousy is a nasty thing but it happens to the best of us. I worry that my family's actions will reflect on me, and that Hannah will decide I'm not worth it. Maybe I'm over thinking things, but it's definitely something that crosses my mind a lot. It's an odd situation, that's for sure!

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by jessica31876

I hope you get the results you want. I also hope that if the test reveals she is your dad's biological child your family will grow to accept her.

I wsa not in your exact situation but a few years ago my nephew who my sister lost to the state came back in our lives and it truly was an emotional roller coaster ride. He had his name changed. He grew up in a different family and had lots of issues in that family. I remembered him well and who he was at the age of 6 when he left and I guess still expected to see part of who he was but that did not happen. And then to know that he did not remember any of us really also hurt a lot. What I learned from this situation is to accept him as he was. I loved my nephew and that did not matter how long we were apart. It was a little awkward because we both kinda thought we would have some sort of instant bond because we were family but it did not happen like that. Not sure if that will help you or not...I guess what I am saying is just be there and build the relationship you did not have a chance to before now and dont worry about everyone else.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I haven't spoken with anyone who has been in a similar situation so I've been wondering what all of my feelings mean. At first, I kept asking myself if I could just suddenly find love for someone? I put this incredible weight on myself for about 2 months, thinking that because she's my sister, I had to love and bond with her straight away and that if I didn't, I was wrong somehow. Once I let go of that, things developed naturally and I've developed an overwhelming sense of protection towards her, she's a good girl and gradually the love came. Hannah is 10 years my junior so that was an initial stumbling block, I'm boring and old compared to her lol, but I'm starting to understand what makes 20 year olds tick and there aren't so many awkward moments now. What you've said helps a LOT, more than you could imagine, thank you.

Originally Posted by SeattleSheri

I completely agree with Jacinda. I think it's unreasonable that your family would ostersize you or her. I'd rather not elaborate, but I have some experience on this topic and it pains me to see either of you getting alientated by this. Big hugs! KUP!

Thanks Sheri. It really hurts, like nothing I've experienced before. Being in the middle of a sweet young girl who is delicate, gentle and looking for the other half of her family, and then the ogre that is my father. My husband said he was proud of me because for the first time ever, I stood up to my family for something I believe in, which meant a lot of heartache, fighting and pressure. It hasn't stopped me doubting things though, I'm terrified about the results being negative because of the fury it will cause. Thanks for your kind words, and it saddens me that anyone is ever put in these positions, so big hugs back to you.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by Sherri Tierney

I have no advice. Just lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your possible sister.

It always amazes me how many surprise family members people find. I, no doubt, have some siblings I've never met. My dad has never been in the picture. He and my mom were in their really early 20's when I came along (my mom turned 21 when I was 8 months old) and the only thing I really know about my father is his name. Truth be told, I can only hope that the named person really is my father but it's hard to say after all the stories I've heard growing up. Based on this, it wouldn't surprise me in the least to be contacted from someone claiming to be a younger sibling.

My mom is a product of divorce. She spent some time living with her dad when she was in her late teens (she got pregnant with me when she was living with her dad). She never talked about that time with him except to bash him and talk about how horrible her step-mom was. Never once did she mention him having any other kids (just her and her older brother) or anything like that. So, imagine my surprise when I'm stopping by my uncle's facebook page to wish him a happy birthday and see a post saying "Happy Birthday, brother" and then going on to ask about "sister Cheryl". I freaked out a little. Cheryl is my mom! Come to find out, there are 7 or 8 brothers and sisters that she has and never told me about. She knew them, she spent time with them, etc. She just failed to inform her children they have all these aunts, uncles and cousins. Funny thing is, they just live about 65 miles from here. I haven't met them yet but plan to.

I'm not surprised you freaked out. Wow. That is some skeleton, or 8! I hope you do get to meet them, and I hope it doesn't cause any bother with your mom. She must have had her reasons, it's just a shame she didn't prepare you for the shock. My aunt is like my best friend. She has been the only consistent person throughout my entire life, and she's great, so hopefully you'll be able to gain some good relationships from it.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by joelsgirl

Are your parents still together? Sounds more like everyone is seeing this girl as a sign of a mistake instead of as a person to love. : ( I'd treat her as a friend, and I hope she's able to make peace with your dad's choice not to meet her.

My parents divorced 14 years ago, because my dad had an affair funnily enough. And he recently split from my stepmother of 14 years because he's had 3 affairs over the last 5 years. I keep wondering if he thinks maybe acknowledging another daughter will uncover more secrets he doesn't want us to know about.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by nun69

I have a similiar situtation and found out at 18 that I had another borther an dsister (older) that my grandparents made my mom give up when she was 16 and 18....well long story short, we ALL met with my mom's family in 1995 and 17 years later my sister and I are the best of friends and if we didn't live across country from each other, we would be together ALL the time my best advice would be do what your heart/gut tells you no matter what the results are

eta; the 3 of them all have the same dad and mom and I have a differnt dad LOL! but their dad raised me from the time I was 1 until they divorced. to add to the bizzare family situation I have another sister (same step dad, different mom...so really she isn't realted but I consider her a sister) that is my step dad's daughter and my mom's son she had at 18 are roughly 2 weeks apart! Yep guess what he was doing! Needless to say he stayed with Patirica (the other mom) while my mom had to give up my brother...so a whole nother story.......but after everything is said and done, all of the siblings are happily friends and love to be together when we can!

I had to read that 3 times before it made sense. It must have blown your mind at the time. I am really pleased something so good has come out of it though, I hope I can have the same with Hannah

Originally Posted by Buggie185

Best wishes to you and to this young woman. Whether you share DNA or not the prospect of being sisters brought you together and you can be friends either way. You don't have to share the results with your family until you are ready. I hope some healing and growth happens for everyone because of this situation.

Thanks for that. I was thinking of writing my dad a letter with the results inside. He's the type of person you can't tell anything to, but I was hoping maybe I could plant a seed, to get him thinking, question his reasons and encourage him to at least consider it.

Originally Posted by LeeAndra

Not a sibling, but similar: I was adopted by my mom's second (and current) husband when I was 4. My biological father was not in the picture and died when I was 16. 3 years ago, I Googled my paternal grandmother's name, found her obituary as she had recently passed away, and then saw that I had 3 cousins that I had not known existed until then.

It has been great getting to know them over the last couple years, and while we all live far apart, it has definitely filled a space inside me that I hadn't realized needed filling. The rest of the family is dysfunctional at best, so it's just us cousins that are in touch with one another.

My sister had a meltdown over it at first telling me that they weren't 'real' family since I hadn't grown up with them. When I pointed out that I had no choice as to whether I grew up with them or not, she became more enraged. She and I still do not discuss the issue, but she has calmed down abt it now that she's realized it's not going to just disappear because she wants it to. There's no way I'd give up my relationships with my cousins no matter what my immediate family said or felt, so I'm glad that the situation has been resolved.

[Ironically, one of those cousins flew out this week to visit and is sitting across from me in my living room while I type this!]

It's definitely possible that I have a half sibling out there, but considering my biological father has been dead for almost 20 years and I don't live in the area where he lived (and died), I can't imagine how I would ever find out if I had one or not.

It's nice to hear a positive outcome. It's odd at first, meeting someone who is blood related for the first time as adults. I can understand where your sister is coming from, it might be fear and discomfort with the situation. Is she your full sister or half? There's definitely something in not growing up with family members, meeting them certainly makes it strange, but it doesn't make them void as family.

There's a service in the UK, something like national archives, that lists births, deaths, marriages, offspring, divorces etc. Do you have anything like that where you are?

[carrie1977]

Originally Posted by Elsie

Could I be nosy and ask if your half BIL had any resentment towards his mother? Or did his siblings have any towards him? My full sister has been particularly cruel to the potential half sister, she is always stressing the my in "my dad". Last Friday, she called our dad on the house phone and put him on hands free, then called Hannah on her mobile, she asked him "so if the DNA comes back positive, will you see Hannah?" and he, not knowing he was on hands free, answered "absolutely not, too much water has gone under the bridge and I'm sure she can manage without a father, she has done for this long". Hannah called me in floods of tears, it was the first time she had heard his voice because he refuses to speak to her, and to hear him say that just broke her heart.

What gets me is that this girl isn't asking for anything, she isn't even expecting anything, and the way they turned their backs on her is appalling. I can honestly say I have never been so ashamed of my family before. they're all void of human emotion! Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it.

Wow...that was really awful for your sister to do that to her! It's awful enough to already feel rejected and then to hear him say it out loud. Wow.

[carrie1977]

Originally Posted by Elsie

Do you think maybe your half uncle decided it was too painful to be a part of your family because he'd already been rejected by your grandmother? Jealousy is a nasty thing but it happens to the best of us. I worry that my family's actions will reflect on me, and that Hannah will decide I'm not worth it. Maybe I'm over thinking things, but it's definitely something that crosses my mind a lot. It's an odd situation, that's for sure!

Maybe. I'm sure a lot of it is that he had already lived most of his life without his father/siblings. Why start then? Ya know? My father came and went throughout most of my childhood. He'd like to repair that but I just can't let him in. I don't want my heart broken and more I don't want him to break my childrens' hearts. I won't let him do that to them. I think it's kind of the same thing with my 1/2 uncle. It's sad. My Mom eventually just let it go and figured if he ever wanted to find her he'd now have a head start.

[LeeAndra]

She is biologically my half sister, but since her dad adopted me, we are legally 'full' sisters, kwim?

With the lifestyle that my biological father lived, I think it's more likely that he could have had a one night stand or some other short-lived relationship where he might not have even been listed on the birth certificate. Before meeting my cousins, I toyed with the idea of placing an ad in the paper of his hometown asking if there was anyone out there with him as a father, but my cousins (and one in particular who has turned out to be one of my best friends and SOOOOO similar to me) have filled that void for me.

As for your sister's behavior re: the phone call with your dad... wow. I would have a very difficult time ever speaking to/seeing her again. That is so beyond cruel that it blows my mind and breaks my heart.

[Julie Billingsley]

that is awesome that you are open and loving to her. I hope you get your results soon and everything works out!

My dad has a similar story. My dad's bio mom (Elsie) was married and had 2 boys that were 3 years apart. Then her husband was killed in WWII when my dad was 3 years old. She decided to give up my dad because he was still a baby. But she kept her older son, Carl. So my dad was adopted and his full brother was raised by Elsie. My dad was adopted by a couple that couldn't have children, so he never grew up with siblings. My grandparents were very well to do and my dad wanted for nothing. When my dad was in his 20s he finally was told about having an older brother and eagerly tried to find him and his bio mom. Elsie immediately said she never wanted to meet my dad. My dad searched and found his brother and they met. But Carl ended up deciding he didn't want anything to do with my dad because he harbored some resentment and also didn't want to upset their mom Elsie. Carl resented my dad because his life had been very different than my dad. Elsie had struggled financially being a widowed mom and they had been very poor. Carl was very jealous of the affluence that my dad grew up in. That really upset my dad. He would have given anything to have a brother and was just shredded that Carl turned his back on him after their one meeting. My dad is over 70 years old now and this still haunts him.

Anyway, so I'm just saying that I think it's wonderful of you to be open to being a sister to this girl. Again, I hope you get your results soon!

[LJSDesigns]

Wow, these stories are incredible! My cousin recently had a young woman show up on his doorstep and announce that she thought she may be his daughter. He welcomed her in, asked her the necessary questions and found out her birth was the result of a relationship that ended quickly without him really understanding why. Her mother gave her up to her own parents to raise and is not a big part of her life to date, but her grandparents told her about my cousin when she turned 18. She was on his doorstep the next day.

One of the first things they did was set up DNA testing just to be sure, since her mother has never confirmed who her father was. When the results came back positive, he introduced her to the rest of the family and we welcomed her with open arms. They are working on building a solid relationship, but she is already great friends with her three younger brothers.

My aunt, her grandmother, says she is a blessing, as is every child, even if she was unexpected and a bit delayed. I am thankful that it never crossed any of our minds not to welcome her with open arms. Her other grandparents are struggling with the idea of sharing her, but I'm sure they will come around in time. After all they opened the door for her to find the rest of her family so they must understand that you can never have too many people who love you.

[carrie1977]

That is so sad, Julie.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by carrie1977

Maybe. I'm sure a lot of it is that he had already lived most of his life without his father/siblings. Why start then? Ya know? My father came and went throughout most of my childhood. He'd like to repair that but I just can't let him in. I don't want my heart broken and more I don't want him to break my childrens' hearts. I won't let him do that to them. I think it's kind of the same thing with my 1/2 uncle. It's sad. My Mom eventually just let it go and figured if he ever wanted to find her he'd now have a head start.

Yeah I understand that, I think sometimes it's easier to go through life and not rock the boat, so to speak. It must have been hard on your mom though.

I think it's important to protect children in these situations, so I think what you're doing is the best way forward. Maybe, given time, your father will prove his worth by sticking around permanently and not deserting you, and who knows what will happen then. Family problems are so hard and they affect people for life, it's such a shame some people don't think about things like this before they have children, so much heartache could be avoided.

Originally Posted by LeeAndra

She is biologically my half sister, but since her dad adopted me, we are legally 'full' sisters, kwim?

With the lifestyle that my biological father lived, I think it's more likely that he could have had a one night stand or some other short-lived relationship where he might not have even been listed on the birth certificate. Before meeting my cousins, I toyed with the idea of placing an ad in the paper of his hometown asking if there was anyone out there with him as a father, but my cousins (and one in particular who has turned out to be one of my best friends and SOOOOO similar to me) have filled that void for me.

As for your sister's behavior re: the phone call with your dad... wow. I would have a very difficult time ever speaking to/seeing her again. That is so beyond cruel that it blows my mind and breaks my heart.

I understand what you mean. I'm glad you and your cousin have gotten so much from each other. I think it's also a good thing that it's satisfied your need to find out. When my dad told me about the older half sister, I initially felt like I wanted to try to find her, but I'm scared of the outcome. I've let it go now and I'm thankful that Hannah and I get along great, and I don't know if I could cope with finding a scattering of half brothers and sisters across the country.

[Elsie]

Originally Posted by Julie Billingsley

that is awesome that you are open and loving to her. I hope you get your results soon and everything works out!

My dad has a similar story. My dad's bio mom (Elsie) was married and had 2 boys that were 3 years apart. Then her husband was killed in WWII when my dad was 3 years old. She decided to give up my dad because he was still a baby. But she kept her older son, Carl. So my dad was adopted and his full brother was raised by Elsie. My dad was adopted by a couple that couldn't have children, so he never grew up with siblings. My grandparents were very well to do and my dad wanted for nothing. When my dad was in his 20s he finally was told about having an older brother and eagerly tried to find him and his bio mom. Elsie immediately said she never wanted to meet my dad. My dad searched and found his brother and they met. But Carl ended up deciding he didn't want anything to do with my dad because he harbored some resentment and also didn't want to upset their mom Elsie. Carl resented my dad because his life had been very different than my dad. Elsie had struggled financially being a widowed mom and they had been very poor. Carl was very jealous of the affluence that my dad grew up in. That really upset my dad. He would have given anything to have a brother and was just shredded that Carl turned his back on him after their one meeting. My dad is over 70 years old now and this still haunts him.

Anyway, so I'm just saying that I think it's wonderful of you to be open to being a sister to this girl. Again, I hope you get your results soon!

As Carrie said, that really is such a sad story. I can't even begin to imagine how your dad feels. I'm not surprised he harbored resentment, he's only human and surely Carl could see that family is worth so much more than a nice lifestyle or money. It's a no-brainer to me as I'm sure it is to most people. The rejection must torture your dad, I'm not a mother yet but I don't know how anybody could reject a child they've given birth to. I can understand what her reasons might be - having to face your dad after what she did must have been daunting - but what I don't understand is how people can't face their fears or have the courage to do what's right.

Thank you for kind words. The results landed in my inbox this morning - we chose to have it delivered by airmail but it's going to take another week so email it is. I got my husband to forward the email to himself and delete all traces of it from my inbox. Hannah is coming over tomorrow and we'll be reading the results together. It took every ounce of self control I have to not open the email!

[Libby Pritchett]

Awwww what an incredible story! I don't know how you managed to avoid opening the email.

I reconnected with a sister just a few years ago, too. She was my bio dad's daughter from AFTER he was married to my mom. We severed ties with him when my mom left him(he was abusive, and we were adopted by my mom's new husband). He died several years ago, and I always knew he'd had another daughter. I just didn't know anything about her. After some digging, I found her on facebook. She was SO thrilled to hear from me because she'd been told all her life that my other sister & I wanted nothing to do with her. We aren't super close or anything (we're quite different as she's about 12 years younger than me and were raised differently), but I'm still glad we met and can stay in touch. We both had babies this year, so that was kind of cool to have that connection.

Anyway, I hope your results are what you want them to be! Good luck with everything!

[Jen22]

For your sake and hers, I hope you hold her close, no matter the results. I'm shocked at how your family is acting. Your father sounds bitter and guilty and I'm sad that he's being so harsh to her! And for you to be "in trouble" for befriending her, that's just horrible!! Shame on them!!!!

I think there are a lot of broken home stories out there. I have my own - I call it my modern day Brady bunch family, lol. I was put up for adoption when I was an infant. I grew up in a great family, but when I was 18, I went searching for my birth family. I already knew about a sister that had the same birth parents - she was adopted by another family. But I had a half brother and half sister that I wanted to know. They were pretty young, so when I met them - I just felt out of place and didn't force anything. Well, now those half siblings are adults, with children of their own. I recently found them again (thanks to Facebook) and was afraid they wouldn't want me intruding. But the opposite was true! My half sister was just beyond thrilled to have a sister (my other half sibling is a boy).

SO I guess you could say I'm like your possible new sister. I came into their life, afraid of rejection - but they welcomed me. I'm not sure how my birth mom feels about it - uncomfortable maybe. But that's okay cuz my half sister and I get along great. And I reunited my half sister and my other sister who was adopted - and they clicked too!! Three sisters, having never grown up together, finally getting to know each other .....

So I guess what I'm saying is if you give her your love (and protection from your family if they continue being so mean), in the end - maybe that will be all you both need

[breakingbrie]

I think it's wonderful that you are willing to accept her despite how the rest of you family feels.
My dad died when I was 12 and I found out right before the funeral that he had had a whole other family before us (pretty sure we were only told bc they were going to attend the funeral). I had an older sister and brother. We got to meet them and formed an awesome relationship right away - lol I always joked that it was like a custody agreement bc they would come pick us up every other weekend and also keep us for a few weeks in the summer (they were in their late 20s). Im so glad they accepted us even tho our dad left them and cut off all contact when they were still pretty young. I just found out he may have another daughter somewhere - my mom said a woman gave him a photo of a baby girl and said it was his but she didnt want anything from him a looong time ago. Then she just never got in touch again, and I wish I knew how to find her.

I really do hope thing work out for you and her, however the test comes out

[jacinda]

I keep coming back to this thread to find out the results. I'm nervous for you. And excited.

[carrie1977]

Me too, Jacinda! I'm so curious to see what the results are. I really hope things work out with the family.

[Freckles]

Giving up on a child and not ever wanting to see it again... This is something I just can't understand... I'm sorry to hear so many of you have had to deal with this. Big hugs!

@Elsie: You're following your heart and that's the right thing to do! I hope you and this girl will be able to build a fantastic relationship. It's just sad the way your family is acting and I can imagine you're torn. I want to second what Jacinda said: don't feel like you have to be a mother to her though... You would only try to make up for the mistakes your father made. But I think the thing she needs most is just a sister and a friend who understands...

[adrianka]

Originally Posted by jacinda

I keep coming back to this thread to find out the results. I'm nervous for you. And excited.

Same here. :-) Good luck, Elsie. And even if she's not your sister, she can still be your friend. *hugs*

[Elsie]

Hey guys.......I am so sorry for not updating you sooner, I kinda felt rude for getting advice and then not coming back to tell you the outcome, but things have been hectic with the family and I've had 5 work deadlines to complete and a conference to attend so it's been a busy time to say the least.

Hannah came over on the Tuesday after my last post. My DH read us the results......we ARE half sisters with an astonishing 97.8% result. We both cried, a lot, then we just sat on the sofa for what seemed like an eternity in complete silence, I think we both went into shock and it's hard to absorb that kind of news. We are over the moon with the results, Hannah stayed with us for a few days and we talked until the early hours, shared many stories, played music quizzes on the PS3 (which surprisingly was a fun way of getting to know each others tastes) and had really quality family time together.

Unfortunately, the rest of the family didn't take the news well. Firstly, our dad has changed his mobile number so nobody can contact him except my middle sister and our grandparents. I emailed him on the night we found out, out of respect and courtesy mainly as I felt he should be the first to know. My pleas were ignored, but shortly after my middle sister called me and hurled a torrent of abuse at me. She passed on a message from our father to tell me I was an interfering C word and that he wouldn't get back at me, he'd get even, whatever that means. I hung up on her after the 50th swear word in 60 seconds.

Next Hannah received a call from her. She had the same kind of message, lots of swearing and vulgarity, and was told she was a home-wrecker and that even if the results were positive, it meant nothing, which broke the poor girl down. She was threatened with violence, called every name under the sun, and told she had better watch over her shoulder.

It was a very sombre atmosphere after that, with not much to hang on to other than what we have together. I emailed dad from a different address (I figured mine had been blocked) and without lowering myself to his level, I said what I had to say about the situation and let rip about his actions, that it's his doing and not mine, and how appalling his behavior has been. I didn't hear anything back, which was expected, but my words clearly played on his mind...

A few days later, my middle sister called Hannah and said that if she wanted her one and only chance to speak to dad, then our sister would pick her up. I was worried for Hannah as I know what the other sister is like, and I felt that it was nothing more than blackmail - somebody so young and tender isn't going to deny that kind of opportunity after waiting her whole life, so we worried what kind of situation would be waiting for her.

Hannah asked if the phone call could take place in her home where a friend would be present because she was scared of the other sister. Her request was refused. She was told it had to be in the car, on her own, with the other sister as a witness to the conversation. After a lot of pleading, she was told that they would stay in the car outside her home where her friend was watching from a window. The next thing I knew, Hannah's friend called me in a panic, the other sister had driven off with Hannah in the car and none of us had any idea where they'd gone. I drove the 45 minute drive over there and hunted high and low around the town but there was no sign of them anywhere. Hannah was told she wasn't allowed her mobile and the other sisters mobile was engaged.

After 2.5 hours, they pulled up outside Hannah's home. We watched from the window as Hannah stepped out of the car and vomited everywhere. We got her indoors and she couldn't speak for around an hour, her crying had gone into hysterical mode, she was trembling, being sick and it took a long time to calm her down.

She explained the conversation and I was shocked at what was said, but not surprised if that makes sense? Dad contradicted himself at least 5 times, such as claiming he knew nothing about her mothers pregnancy, and then saying he'd been dreading this day for years. He went from nice, to nasty, to nice, to nasty and so on. The nice things were comments to the effect of how well she was raised and that he wished her luck in her life, to nasty ones stating that she is dead to him, that the test only proves Hannah is my half sister, not necessarily his daughter (apparently he's questioning my parentage because I am nothing like him!) and that he never wants to see her or hear from her ever again.

It's been hard for me because I have distanced myself from that family for around 10 years as they're like a poison that I don't need in my life and their threats and actions terrify me. But what Hannah has had to endure is unbearably cruel and callous. She is strong on the outside and has a tendency to bottle her emotions, but I am sure she has been broken into a million pieces inside, it shows in her eyes.

I am bitter towards the whole family, absolutely nobody supported me in this or embraced the possibility of having a daughter, sister or granddaughter. The only good thing to come from this is that Hannah is meeting our grandfather on Friday. He's a nice man but very much ruled by our dad and grandmother. I just hope that it goes well and that he welcomes Hannah with the love and kindness she deserves.

So that's where we're at. We're kind of taking one day at a time, letting our relationship bloom and focusing on our own lives, not theirs. In a way, I wonder if this is the best outcome because Hannah has seen their true colours before she had the chance to get close to anyone, but the pain caused was unnecessary and picking up the pieces is hard.

Thanks for all your advice and kindness, it has been such a help sharing this with others who have been through similar situations.

X

[BrattyMeg]

wow what an update

First congratulations on her being your half sister. Such amazing news and it sounds like you both need each other. You seem so kind so to open your arms and heart to her sounds like it just comes naturally. Thank goodness you aren't filled with the bitterness that it seems the rest of the family she has met has. I'm sorry she's being treated like that..hopefully there will be some healing in your family at some point and everybody can get along. Otherwise..even if they are family you sound better off without them.

Good luck on her meeting your grandfather..hopefully he'll be as welcoming as you have been

[carrie1977]

Holy wow....I can't believe that your family has acted this way. Appalling! That breaks my heart for her and for you. That being said, she is lucky to have you. It sounds like the two of you are going to have each other to lean on now. Best wishes to you both!

[glumirk]

Wow...I can't believe that they treated her like a hostage! How crazy! Poor thing! At least you have each other through all of this, right?

[joelsgirl]

That's incredible that your sister and father did that to her. It sounds like your sister has some major issues. I hope you guys grow close and have a great relationship. Sorry the rest of them are being rotten.

[Julie Billingsley]

how horrific! I'm so sad for both you and Hannah to have to deal with all that family drama. Hopefully the two of you can band together and enjoy a sane family relationship. The rest of the family certainly sounds toxic and it must break your heart to have them do this to the two of you. ((hugs))

[k23m]

wow, I can't believe what they are putting this poor girl through. She hasnt done anything wrong!! I hope one day your family can see that and accept her (though it sounds pretty hopeless right now).
Thank goodness she has you. I hope she can accept the fact that the rest of the family isnt worth her worry and she can be happy with the family that she DOES have, including you.
Hang in there, and give Hannah a hug!

[jacinda]

Ugh, I have no words for the way your family has treated her. You know what? I think you should introduce Hannah to our SSD family and let us help love and support her too. Even if she's not a scrapper, she could learn, or just hang out here with kind, open minded people. Sign her into the forums and let her see that there ARE friendly, understanding people in this world.

[HeatherB]

I've been thinking of you ever since you first brought up your rather unique situation. I am shocked to hear how your family has behaved since the test results, especially considering she really is a blood relative. Honestly, behaviour like that sounds like it came from a bad movie, not from real life. As if the situation was something that you two manufactured, instead of being the result of actions by your father (who seems to have no qualms about relinquishing all responsibility).

Good for you, for trying to nurture a relationship with this girl, despite the toxic behaviour of your family. You have my admiration, for the mature and gentle way you have handled this, and I'm sure your new sister is blessed by her blossoming relationship with you.