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Old 12-10-2010, 06:24 PM
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Default Friend had a miscarriage -help!

My BFF had a miscarrige today. She's known for a couple weeks there was no heartbeat and was scheduled for a D&C next Thurs. Nature took its course today. She was 2 mo along.

I'm not sure how to help her. I live 2 hrs away. I have called her but want to do more. Can't really go see her this weekend bc its my oldest's DD's birthday.

Suggestions?
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:02 PM
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I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:06 PM
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I have no personal experienec., but everyone I know that has gone through a m/c, felt the same as La. They didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Just wanted to grieve their loss. I'm so sorry for your bff. I cannot imagine!
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:13 PM
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When I had mine, I just needed time to heal, but it always makes things better when you know someone is thinking about you. A nice note or a card would be thoughtful.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:30 PM
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It might be nice to send her a little rememberance trinket.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:32 PM
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I agree with the other girls. This is where I ordered the gift I purchased.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:44 PM
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I think as long as u don't ignore it, your doing the right thing. When I had mine, so many of my friends/family didn't know what to say so they just didn't say anything. That was awful. I just wanted someone to cry with me, not for everyone to just sweep it under the rug cos it was easier for them. Also probably good to remember she's still going to be hurting for a long time. I couldn't get over mine til I got past my due date.

I think a little gift or note since u can't be with her is perfect.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
THIS, THIS EXACTLY! Just let her know that you're available whenever she's ready to talk or ask for anything. It usually took me weeks to call someone back to finally talk.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:12 PM
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Listen if she wants to talk, don't bug her if she doesn't.

Anything you respond is better than what my friend responded. "I'm sorry to hear that. Are you still able to bring those cookies for the party tonight?" No. I'm not. B-word.

It's hard. I don't have words to describe the hurt she must be feeling. It's.... painful. Mine was a year ago. I still am miserable to think about it. I'm 6 days shy of 1 year from mine, and it still kills me to think about it.

I'm praying for her, I'm praying that God guides you in the best way to help her.

The best thing you can do though, is listen if she wants to talk, and back off if she didn't. I went through waves. Days where I wanted to talk to people, days where I wanted to hide under a rock.

I don't know if she's a Christian, but if she is, the song Beauty from Pain by Superchic[k] brought me a lot of comfort. You can find it on youtube.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:19 PM
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I would offer to make her a tribute page when she's ready to talk about it. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that is such a difficult situation.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:22 PM
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i'm another one with la. seriously, just the fact that you're showing you care is MORE than enough.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:28 PM
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I'd send her a card, or even just a note, letting her know that you are thinking about her and sorry for her loss and here for her if she needs anything.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:33 PM
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I don't have 1st hand experience but I agree with La. Maybe send a card/rememberance gift if you think that your friend would appreciate it.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:44 PM
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I agree with everyone above. I m/c'd just before Christmas. A little angel ornament was the perfect rememberance/gift someone gave me. We hang it every year to remember our little one.

Just making sure she knows you're available is great.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
This. When I had mine, I just wanted to go and hide, my heart was shattered in a million pieces.

My SIL sent me a card in the mail, and one of the ladies at Tony's work did as well. I still have them, it meant a lot to me that they were thinking about me. I definitely think a card would be appropriate and meaningful to her.

And following along the lines of the angel ornament, my tree topper is an angel that I bought right after (I miscarried in October) and it means the world to me.

I'll be thinking of her. It's one of the worst things to go through emotionally, especially if the baby was very much wanted.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jovi_girl View Post
I think as long as u don't ignore it, your doing the right thing. When I had mine, so many of my friends/family didn't know what to say so they just didn't say anything. That was awful. I just wanted someone to cry with me, not for everyone to just sweep it under the rug cos it was easier for them. Also probably good to remember she's still going to be hurting for a long time. I couldn't get over mine til I got past my due date.

I think a little gift or note since u can't be with her is perfect.
This. Exactly. It's so hard to know what to say or do, but not ignoring it is best.. just let her know you're available.

With both of mine, just knowing people were there for me, even if i couldn't cope with it, was so helpful.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:18 PM
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I'm like La.
When I had mine I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I had to go through the D&C though.

Just be there for her when she's ready to talk.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SmallMoments View Post
I agree with everyone above. I m/c'd just before Christmas. A little angel ornament was the perfect rememberance/gift someone gave me. We hang it every year to remember our little one.

Just making sure she knows you're available is great.
I was thinking about this but wondering if maybe that would make it even more painful.

I've been honest with her...I tell her I don't know how she feels inside but that I feel sad for her and her hubby and that I'm here, thinking about her and wanting her not to hurt. I was thinking flowers would be too much...an angel ornament and a little sunshine card might be just the right thing!
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:01 PM
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Ditto to everyone else...with mine the little things that people did letting me know they were thinking about me really mattered - even if it was just a text message asking how I was doing, or the person who told me they cried for me when they heard. It's probably a little different for everyone, but I've had a few people apologize when bringing it up and asking how I am, and for me, I'm just super appreciative about the fact that they care enough to ask and not just ignore that it happened.

I think the angel ornament is a great idea. This is a tough time of year to go through a loss (I lost one last Christmas Eve and another just a few weeks ago so I've been there), but something like that as a little rememberance is a nice gesture. I don't think that would make it more painful - especially because she knows that you're wanting to do something to help.

For the future... if you know when she was due, you could also make yourself a reminder to send a little note when that time comes. Not that you have to make a big deal about it, but a note to let her know you are thinking of her then would likely be very appreciated. You may think that she's over it 7 months from now and not want to do anything to bring up painful memories, but she'll be remembering anyway and having someone else care enough to remember will mean alot.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:30 PM
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My twin boys were born at 26 weeks and my first born, Colin, passed away at 3 days old. I can say that what I needed most was for my friends to be there for me when I needed to cry or needed to talk about him. So many of my friends either never called, emailed, or sent a sympathy card. They are no longer my friends.

My cousin, who lost triplets at 22 weeks a month and a half before my twins were born, got me this glass ornament that says "Merry Christmas from heaven. I love you- Colin" and I just bawled when she gave it to me but now 5 years later I pull his ornament out and hang it on a special place on the tree. I also had a glass ornament made with his footprints etched in the class but obviously you can't do that in this situation. So the angel ornament is a great idea.

Here is an idea of the glass ornament my cousin did- she got me the bell shaped one though.
http://www.personalizationmall.com/P...ategoryid=1519
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Old 12-11-2010, 06:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
This. When my friend had a miscarriage, she was really sad, and we talked about it (my Grandma died the same day, so that's why we somehow found ourselves talking about it), but she needed her time and privacy to get to terms with it. The more people talk to the woman about it, the more SHE has to think about it, and she just have to somehow swallow it on her own...

Of course, she needs to know people care, but she also needs to be on her own, I think.
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Old 12-11-2010, 07:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
This too for me...I didn't want to talk to anyone..not even my mom and that's saying a lot. I miscarried on a Friday and was scheduled for a d&c on Monday morning, but nature took it's course over the weekend. I was 12 weeks..it was a very traumatic thing for me and it took about a week before I wanted to talk to anyone other than DH about it.
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Old 12-11-2010, 07:45 AM
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No personal experience, but from what I heard from others I'd say this: For most women it's very important, that people give them feeling they understand the wish to mourn. About the loss of a person.

I imagine it must hurt sooo much, when people don't think of a baby or unborn as of something that wasn't really lost, because they did not get to know the little one. While your friend is in deep shock and already had a connection to her baby. So I guess it's totally counterproductive to tell her how they can have another one... That's a bit like: Oh, I'm sorry your husband died. But Sweetie, you'll find another one. Might be true, but every truth has its right moment.
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Old 12-11-2010, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
This was me as well. Some of the darkest days of my life. I know I truly appreciated every card I received. It was nice to know others cared.
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Old 12-11-2010, 07:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren grier View Post
I know I'm not everyone, but.. when I had my m/c (I was 11 wks along).. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. at all. I was in pain, I was sick, all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and not come out till my heart felt better.. I think it's probably for the best that you CAN'T go out there this weekend.. just to give her a little space and grieving time etc...
That's the same way I was with both of mine.

And whatever you do don't say anything like "At least the waiting is finally over." I was in a similar situation when I had mine (I'd known the baby was dying for almost 2 weeks before the miscarriage started) and my mother told me that... I just wanted to punch her in the face.
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Old 12-11-2010, 07:46 PM
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For the future... if you know when she was due, you could also make yourself a reminder to send a little note when that time comes. Not that you have to make a big deal about it, but a note to let her know you are thinking of her then would likely be very appreciated. You may think that she's over it 7 months from now and not want to do anything to bring up painful memories, but she'll be remembering anyway and having someone else care enough to remember will mean alot.
Very true. My best friend had 5 miscarriages before she carried a baby to term. She calls me every year on the days she was due. And they are always bad bad days for her and the first one was over 5 years ago.
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Old 12-12-2010, 02:00 AM
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It's been 4 days short of a year since my miscarriage, and I still remember exactly when my baby was due, exactly how old she'd be now (if born on her due date), the exact date of my miscarriage, everything.
My mom still remembers her due date from her miscarriage--- it's been 13 years.


Another thing I hated hearing (at the time) was "Well, it's in God's plan." Is it? Yeah, I'm sure it is. But did I really want to think my loving God would take my baby away? HECK NO!
And, you'll have another when it's time? Um. No. No baby is ever going to replace the one I lost. Will I love every new baby? Absolutely. But I'll always be thinking about the older sibling they COULD have.
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Old 12-12-2010, 09:32 AM
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I had 3 in a row, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I wasn't super far along with mine, 7 weeks, 6 weeks, and 5 weeks. But I honestly don't think much about my miscarriages. To me they were too early to be children, I know a lot of people feel like they have a connection, and maybe if it had been later for me or if I had to have a D&C I might feel different, but honestly I don't want a reminder of something that painful.

I'm reminded of them everytime I look at Cooper and know how hard it was for us to get him.
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Old 12-12-2010, 07:24 PM
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I would definitely send a card.. Let her know you are thinking of her but I would let her take the lead to talking about it.

I had a m/c in January and it was REALLY hard at the time. No one sent anything, no one even acted like they cared..except my parents. In fact, when I was about 3 months pregnant with Derek (who is now 5 weeks old) I remember being at a funeral and my aunt (whom I am VERY close to) asked I how was feeling and asked me if this pregnancy was "still a go". When she got out of my car I cried and cried. I couldn't believe she would be so insensitive and ask about my new pregnancy in that way...I was dumbfounded and couldn't even respond except with YES..I am still pregnant. Thank goodness everything went well and we have Baby Derek now!!!

I am sending many prayers to your friend!!
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Old 12-13-2010, 07:37 AM
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...my aunt (whom I am VERY close to) asked I how was feeling and asked me if this pregnancy was "still a go".
Insensible is not the right word. I wonder what the word might be, but I guess I can't use it in this forum... That must have been hard for you. :-(
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Old 12-13-2010, 09:02 AM
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I agree that just letting her know you are there when she is ready is great. When I had mine, that's exactly what my BFF did for me. She was there when I needed her and she left me alone when I needed that too. For me, it was too difficult to have anything with the due date or anything else on it because it was a reminder to me off my loss.

But, everyone is different and if you think your BFF would appreciate something like that, then I would certainly do that. I bought my BFF a necklace with four little children on it (she had two living and two angel babies). The boys clothes were circles and the girls clothes were triangles. In the center were the birthstones. I bought one for the two babies that my BFF had lost - so she had a total of four on it and she loved it. The two babies that she lost had little wings on them. It touched her to think that I would remember her two angel babies.
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