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Old 08-20-2010, 09:23 AM
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i am looking into finding a divorce lawyer. i'm terrified. but i am so tired of fighting my husband on this. his state of mind is not right anymore. the ptsd has just taken him over. the last few days have been horrible. one minute he's fine talking to me like normal the next he's calling me some horrible name and telling me he's going to take the kids from me. he threatens me. he hardly has anything to do with the kids. never leaves the house. sleeps all the time or just plays on the computer. he says i won't get the kids cause i don't have a job to take care of them. i'm looking. not having any luck. i'm scared he'll try to say i'm unfit or something. i don't know how i'm going to survive with no job. i know i'd get child support and probably food stamps (yay.) and other help. but i don't want to live like that. i was going to go to school through the VA. but if we're divorced i won't be able to go through them. there goes that dream. i've never really been on my own. i don't want to be alone. but i think i deserve to be treated with respect and not called a wh*re and a b*tch on a daily basis. I'm scared.

i really want to leave the house and get away but i think the kids have chicken pox so i'm stuck.
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Old 08-20-2010, 09:28 AM
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at the very least going and talking to a divorce lawyer about your options seems like a good idea. i think a lot of the things your husband is saying aren't true. if you ended up with the kids he would most likely have to pay support and even some alimony. i also think that you deserve respect and not to be treated this way. hugs!
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Old 08-20-2010, 09:57 AM
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Do you attend any churches or anything?
I know when my parents divorced my mother went to the pastor of the church she went to, told him all what was going on, and got help and lawyer advice from him. I know most churches don't condone divorces, and her's didn't but even most pastors will admit there are just some situation a spouse and children can't live in. Also a personal doctor might be able to listen and offer you some advice.
I agree you and your children deserve a better emotional environment, and as Celeste said since he's the one working he would more than likely end up having to pay child support and alimony. If he's in the service you wouldn't even have to worry about him not paying (unless this has changed since my father left the Navy) since they automatically deduct it from his pay.
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Old 08-20-2010, 09:58 AM
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currently being unemployed does not make you an unfit parent. there's a provision in divorce law barring that from being used.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:01 AM
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Any chance you could get him involuntarily committed? He clearly needs more help for his PTSD.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My situation is not the same, but I did leave. The scariest time for me was when I did not have a job and was thinking of leaving. I felt trapped, so I do know that feeling you are having. It was difficult. If you need to talk, feel free to message me.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:02 AM
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no i don't go to church. don't really have a doctor either. he doesnt work, but he gets monthly benefits from the VA. he's rated at 100% disability because of his ptsd and depression. so i know i'd not have to worry about him not paying me child support. i don't know a lot of people other than family. and they know how he is. this is something they've suggested for awhile. my mom especially. she swears i'd be happier once i got settled on my own away from him. its just very scary. it'd be much easier if we didn't have kids. i just don't want it to be a 'bad' divorce. i want it to go smoothly. i just want him to let me have the kids. he can see them whenever he wants. i just need my kids. i've spoken to them, sort of asking them who'd they want to live with. they all say me. that daddy is mean.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:07 AM
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Any chance you could get him involuntarily committed? He clearly needs more help for his PTSD.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My situation is not the same, but I did leave. The scariest time for me was when I did not have a job and was thinking of leaving. I felt trapped, so I do know that feeling you are having. It was difficult. If you need to talk, feel free to message me.
he needs to go in. i've suggested it repeatedly. he doesnt want to. i know i could call 911. i've done this before. 2 firetrucks, 2 ambulances and several sheriffs showed up. quite embarassing. at the time we had no neighbors. now we have one right beside us lol.

i worry about him being alone. afraid he'd try to kill himself. he cannot obtain a gun. his name is flagged. but he keeps saying he wants to get one.

i do feel trapped. i know there are places i can for help. but its so scary and hard to take that first step. plus, right now 2 of my kids possibly have chicken pox. i can't take them anywhere. so i really feel trapped. and i don't like leaving them home with him much. he sleeps all day and they are unsupervised. my mom works, my MIL can't handle all 3, my dad is pretty much homeless, living with my uncle. i'm very trapped at the moment.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:12 AM
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I am so sorry, Corey, that was one of the worst feelings of my life. I can tell you it did get better for me. I now have a job where I can support my son and I, my own place, its still tough, but better. My ex and I actually have a better relationship now, its a smooth divorce for the most part. I really hope it gets better for you. Hugs!
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:15 AM
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harm to self and/or harm to others (threatening to harm himself) can be used to involuntarily get him ch ecked in.. for 72 hr observation generally speaking..

here are the indiana specific laws/regulations though http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.o...210&Itemid=145
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:16 AM
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Does where you live have a help hotline? Or if you aren't in a large city does the largest one near you have one? They'd be able to help a lot.
But if his ptsd is as bad as you say there's a very good chance he won't give you a smooth divorce. There's a chance he could become even worse because of it, but if the situation is so bad as you say you can't let that effect whether you go through with it or not. I don't want to come off as harsh or pushy, but living in fear of how he will react won't improve the situation and your living situation could become worse. You don't want to wait until something worse happens and then also have the guilt that you could have prevented it from happening.
Like I said, I'm not trying to be harsh or pushy, but my mom did wait until living with my father became unbearable and even though my brother and I were young it took my brother and I a long time to recover from it. Not the divorce, but the way it was with him. And I know my brother carried a lot of resentment towards my mom for a while because she did wait until it became so horrible.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:29 AM
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Does where you live have a help hotline? Or if you aren't in a large city does the largest one near you have one? They'd be able to help a lot.
But if his ptsd is as bad as you say there's a very good chance he won't give you a smooth divorce. There's a chance he could become even worse because of it, but if the situation is so bad as you say you can't let that effect whether you go through with it or not. I don't want to come off as harsh or pushy, but living in fear of how he will react won't improve the situation and your living situation could become worse. You don't want to wait until something worse happens and then also have the guilt that you could have prevented it from happening.
Like I said, I'm not trying to be harsh or pushy, but my mom did wait until living with my father became unbearable and even though my brother and I were young it took my brother and I a long time to recover from it. Not the divorce, but the way it was with him. And I know my brother carried a lot of resentment towards my mom for a while because she did wait until it became so horrible.
you're not being harsh or pushy lol. you sound like my mom; she's very straightforward about this as well. she's been telling me for awhile to leave him, that i'd be happier and the kids would be better off. its just taken me a long time to come to this decision. i have been very against it, but recently have come to realize just how unhappy i am. and scared. i'm going to call a lawyer today, hopefully for a free consultation. i just want to know more about my rights and what to expect to put my mind at ease.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:31 AM
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I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say.

What I do want to say is that you can't worry about him being alone and killing himself. I know his mind is not right, but it is his choice and wouldn't be your fault. I know it's easier to say/think than it actually is. We have some issues in our family where someone doesn't want to leave for that reason alone (the spouse being alone and possibly harming himself), but the relationship isn't getting any better.

I hope you can figure things out.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
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currently being unemployed does not make you an unfit parent. there's a provision in divorce law barring that from being used.
Ditto this. I have had 2 divorces and of course, at the time with both was unemployed and my ex's threatened to "get" my children. Ain't happening babe. You don't even need to worry about this. No judge will give sole custody to your husband because you don't have a job.

Other than that, I just wanted to pass along some {{{hugs}}} and tell you that it is VERY hard to make these changes but, given the situation you have described, you and the children will be so much better off in the end. Everyone deserves happiness.

I wish you all the love and luck in the world honey. I will be thinking of you.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:11 AM
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Corey, you have been putting up with this for so long, I really think you need to do what is right for you and the kids. His behavior is abusive to both of you and he sounds like he is unwilling to get help. Doesn't the military have any resources YOU could take advantage of? They're largely responsible for getting you all into this mess!
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:24 AM
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Definitely check out any and all army/veteran resources to help you...here are a couple of websites...

http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS...mponent=Active

http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil....0.0.0.0.0.0.0
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:25 AM
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((hugs)) Corey! I hope that you are able to get everything figured out. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect. I am so sorry you are going through this sweetie!
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:36 AM
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i don't think there is too much help for me through the VA. for him probably. veterans families don't get as much help as active duty families do. its all about him. aside from committing him to the VA hospital, i dont think there is much else to do. i think i'm on my own as far as legal help goes. its a pain in the ass to have him committed. he won't voluntarily let me take him up there. i'd have to call 911, have several officers and ambulances show up at my house, they'd go in and get him, take him to the local hospital on lockdown until they got all the paperwork from the VA hospital before they could take him there. took all day. and he was NOT happy. its not pleasant. and he'd be pissed at me. who knows how he'd react once he got out. at this point i'm just looking into getting legal counseling for myself. i want to have an idea of the long road ahead. he's sleeping right now (of course) i have been trying to convince him to have me take him up there.

besides me not having a job, he thinks he'd get custody because he claims i don't know how to control the kids. i have a hard time getting them to listen. he says i'm a bad mom. i yell at them too much. he could use all that against me i'd think. but then again, i don't have ptsd and don't threaten to kill people so i think i'd be the one getting the kids. i know i may not be the best mom. i lose my temper easily with them lately. and i feel horrible about it. i'm just so stressed.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:47 AM
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It is going to be hard, but you have to get yourself and your kids out of this situation Corey. This has been going on for too long, and your kids are suffering. I think next time he goes off on you, call 911; get him committed. Legal documentation of his verbal abuse (it is abuse) will help you in the divorce.

Hugs, this wont be an easy road, but you can make it on your own.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:53 AM
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Corey, I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I know it's been going on a LONG time, so I'm glad to see that you've finally reached your limit and are ready to try and take control of your life, and the lives of your kids.

But you have to understand that what HE thinks, is completely and totally irrelevant. He's not rational. He has no idea about ANY of this, he's just saying those things to scare you into staying, because it's worked in the past.

I dare you to find 1 mother out there who has never yelled at her kids. Let's be serious here.

I agree that the next time he goes off, you should call 911. You're obviously uncomfortable in that house with him, and you don't feel it's a safe place, especially not for your kids.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:09 PM
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besides me not having a job, he thinks he'd get custody because he claims i don't know how to control the kids. i have a hard time getting them to listen. he says i'm a bad mom. i yell at them too much. he could use all that against me i'd think. but then again, i don't have ptsd and don't threaten to kill people so i think i'd be the one getting the kids. i know i may not be the best mom. i lose my temper easily with them lately. and i feel horrible about it. i'm just so stressed.
Being a Mom is a very hard job and we all feel like "bad" Mom's at times. I think I feel it on a daily basis for one reason or another. It seems like the more kids you have, the more opportunities to nit pick yourself as a Mother too. I know I had little patience during my earlier years of motherhood (before I found my own inner happiness) and I lost my temper. I hate the Mom I was back then but even then, I was not a bad Mom. Unless you are a prostitute, strung out on drugs or abusing your children, you need not worry about losing your children. From experience, my step-son lives with a mother whom DH and I feel is unfit however, the state sees it much differently. We did not win a custody battle for him. So, it takes some real nasty circumstances to have your kids taken from you.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:10 PM
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Corey - there is no WAY he would get the kids from you - he is mentally unstable. That had to have been proven for him to get any kind of disability compensation. So put that idea out of your mind so you can concentrate on the next step. If your kids have chicken pox and you don't have anywhere else to go without infecting others, then use this time to make a plan that you can implement once they aren't contagious anymore.

First, start writing stuff down and document everything - even when he calls you names.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:16 PM
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{{{HUGS}}} Corey!

ITA with Colleen and the others here. You need to protect yourself and your children!

Here's a link for Legal Aid Services in Indiana. I don't know what they specialize in because I didn't know what County or City you are in but check into it hon. There are many, many places that will help you. I would also suggest looking to women's shelters that will help you and the kids. There is NO judge on the face of the earth that's going to give him 100% custody so don't worry about that at all.

http://www.indianajustice.org/Home/PublicWeb/LegalSvcs

I hope everything works out for you!!!!
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:27 PM
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Corey, I'm so sorry I've been in a bad marriage so I can relate. The road won't be easy at first, but later after you've gotten away from the abuse you'll be amazed how much better your mental state will be. Just a few pieces of advice-
- start documenting everything. He calls you a name, makes a threat, hurts you, or anything toward the kids... write it down. Date, time, witnesses, location.
- try to stow away some money.
- get your name off credit cards and any debt you can.

Also when I was freshly separated/divorced I started going to college. Most of it was paid by free federal grant money because I was poor. I was also able to get some college loans for my living expenses. Your dreams might actually become easier to reach without him. Most of the college grant money is gone for the 2010-2011 school year because they start taking apps for it in January, but give it a shot. Then in January apply right away (it's first come/first serve for free grants) for the Fall 2011-12 school year.

Also, living with an abusive spouse can really mess with your head. Try to get some counseling through the VA. ((hugs)) Be strong.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:29 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this Corey. No matter what the circumstances are, there is never going to be a good divorce. It sounds like you need to get yourself and the kids out of that situation and that's what's most important. Lean on your mom, your family, anyone you can for support and take the leap. My SIL recently divorced her husband and she said the hardest thing was to actually make the decision to do it. He was emotionally abusive to her and was also threatening suicide if she divorced him. Once that decision was made the biggest weight was off of her shoulders. It wasn't easy, but at least she wasn't living in limbo anymore, kwim? You've gotten a lot of great advice here. Lots of love to you and your kids. *hugs*
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:30 PM
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thank you so much everyone. you have no idea how good it feels to be able to come here and let it all out and get such wonderful replies, even just a virtual hug lol. i know once we were settled and everything fell into place we'd be happier. i just would feel SO much better if i could find work. that would probaby include daycare as well (ugh). child support alone will be a tight budget. i am definitely going to start documenting everything that happens. i need to get myself a little journal today to start.

ugh bills. thats another thing i'm concerned with. in the past he has said he'd continue to pay the car payment; its in both of our names. i cannot afford it; $650/month. we have no credit cards; just paid off the one we had. we own the home; no mortgage. we have a reposessed van we pay on each month, and 2 loans one of which will be paid off in February. i'm mostly worried about the car. i don't need another repo. we still owe around $20,000 on it. little less than 3 years to pay.

thank you again everyone. i'll keep you posted on my journey to singledom and happiness lol.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:30 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. I would get all the information you can before letting him have any idea that is what you are doing.

I would worry about the safety of myself and my kids if I were in your shoes. Could you move in with your mom for a bit? If it's a safe place to go then it might be a good idea. Be safe and then think about how you will support yourself and children.

I can't imagine that he'd get custody. He probably thinks he can and thinks that it'll keep you there.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:48 PM
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i don't know if my mom has room. she lives with her boyfriend. its not a big house. and its way out in the country out of Chloe's school district. thats where it is getting complicated.

and he says he wants a divorce. that he can't live with me or anyone anymore. so i don't know why he would say things to try to get me to stay. its all so confusing.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:50 PM
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Here is a link to the Child and Family Services for Indiana - http://www.in.gov/fssa/2407.htm and a link for the legal section - http://www.in.gov/core/law.html

I hope these can help you get started. Maybe check the local phone book for places that can help you locally too.
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:13 PM
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Oh good point about the grants for college. The kind we had would actually reimburse you for the previous semester if you applied late!
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:19 PM
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I can't offer you any advice, but if you need to talk, please never hesitate to message me. My divorce was just recently finalized. My husband was in the Marine Corps, and he was abusive before he left for Afghanistan, but I went through a lot of the same things with the threats of violence and the verbal abuse. I'm here to talk if you ever need an ear.

I'm praying for you, and for your children. You don't have to go through this alone- there is so much support out there for you. Good for you for looking into finding a divorce lawyer. I was scared coming out of my marriage because I'm disabled, and my income is so small. I don't have children, but I was pregnant at the time (miscarried) so I understand what an emotional rollercoaster it can be. Good luck, and so many prayers headed your way.
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:52 PM
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Hugs Corey...I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't been said...I know it has to be a difficult decision to make but sometimes when we make those difficut decisions are lives change in ways we never thought...You and your children deserve to be happy so I will keep you in my prayers...

Have you tried your local child & family services for help...I know sometimes they can offer cash aid, food stamps, medical, and sometimes even help with housing...
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:58 PM
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yes we have a low income housing place. they have apartments, townhomes and even individual houses available. once i get the ball rolling i'll be heading over there to talk to them. just don't know how long all this takes. since i have no income of my own i dont' know how to get started. child support and everything doesn't happen overnight.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:06 PM
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I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to say there are some very good posts in here filled with good links, and great advice already, and give you some ((hugs)). I know it's not an easy time, and I'll be thinking of you and your family right now!!!
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:10 PM
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start at social services.. all those services can be put into effect nearly immediately in emergency situations.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:46 PM
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Agree with La. I didn't work at the time of my divorce, and haven't worked since. I have the kids.
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Old 08-20-2010, 02:54 PM
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Also, child support starts pretty fast. My ex had to start paying as soon as I FILED for divorce. Not once it was finalized. And there was a 6 month waiting period because of the kids.

Of course, he only pays when he feels like it, but with the VA controlling his money, you'll get what you're supposed to get without issue.
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Old 08-20-2010, 03:35 PM
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I know in my state, you can get child support ordered as soon as you leave regardless of if you have filled for divorce yet.
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  #38  
Old 08-20-2010, 03:41 PM
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and one more piece of advice, never trust him to pay child support on his own, even if he promises that he will pay each month. Things happen and suddenly no more money. Just have the state/feds handle it for you, they will garnish his VA pay and you'll get the check/deposit without dealing with him about it. You'll be glad you did.
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Old 08-20-2010, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Julie Billingsley View Post
and one more piece of advice, never trust him to pay child support on his own, even if he promises that he will pay each month. Things happen and suddenly no more money. Just have the state/feds handle it for you, they will garnish his VA pay and you'll get the check/deposit without dealing with him about it. You'll be glad you did.
we don't even have control of his VA money lol. the VA decided we needed to 'get out of debt' so they assigned a bank to be in control of his VA funds. they get his check and pay all the bills out of it and bank the rest. so i know i'd get that child support lol.
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Old 08-20-2010, 05:56 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through all of this Corey. I've no advice, but it sounds like the other ladies have given you great advice. Big hugs to you and the kids, hope you can get things moving soon. ((hugs))
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:46 PM
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That sounds really scary Corey... HUGE hugs! No real help... but maybe he needs to go back in for psych at the VA. Is that something you think he'd do? I'd be worried that in his current state, the threat of divorce could send him over (and if that happens, you and the kids need to be FAR away).
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  #42  
Old 08-20-2010, 10:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schock77 View Post
That sounds really scary Corey... HUGE hugs! No real help... but maybe he needs to go back in for psych at the VA. Is that something you think he'd do? I'd be worried that in his current state, the threat of divorce could send him over (and if that happens, you and the kids need to be FAR away).
i mentioned this the other day. he won't go voluntarily. as much as i hate to take Chloe out of her school, i may have to be the one to leave and not tell him where i am for that reason. i give him his meds at night. he won't take them on his own. i shudder to think of him completely medless and even more depressed.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:43 PM
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It sounds like such a hard situation to be in, Corey! I'm glad the other ladies here were able to link you up with help. I hope they're able to get you out of there and settled into a much safer situation soon!
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:04 AM
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Just wanted to say that I think you have already taken the first step by realizing you want to get out and you fear for your safety and well being. He will not get the kids especially because it is documented that he has depression and the PSTD. It might be difficult at first but nothing in life worth having is easy. The next step is finding somewhere to stay and have your family help you move so that he does not go crazy when your stuff is packed up. If you need to, you might want to call the police to be there so he cannot do anything. YOU will be ok and you can do it.
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:27 AM
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so sorry to hear about this Corey but if he is getting 100% disability from the VA then he is also getting some other benefits {monetarily} for having dependent children....I also think you need to get ahold of somebody at the VA office and find out what they can help you with...be PERSITENT!!!!! eventually somebody will get tired of you calling or going there and help you Trust me I have spent almost 20 years on active duty!
check out these sites and kind of poke around and see what you can find out...
https://www1.va.gov/opa/publications...its_chap02.asp

https://www1.va.gov/opa/publications...its_chap11.asp
(since your husband is rated at 100% you are eligble for some health care reimbursement as well)

and poke around here and see what you can find out!!!!
http://www.va.gov/


let me know if you need anymore help
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