Just need a vent :(

[nun69]

so as most of you know Peyton just got diagnosed with Asperger's....well my oldest DD (20) is watching him and his 2 older siblings during spring break this week....she is slowly realizing that maybe staying at home and not going to school is such a good thing (no school, no pay rent, you do what we ask...basically)....well she has decided after a year and a half of college she is not sure what she wants to do in life (ok), she doesn't drive (mostly our fault, but both of us working full time and dealing with not only 1 kid with lots of needs, his brother is alot like him as well)) and just trying to juggle day to day life, bills, work etc we just never got around to teaching her to drive and she has never really pushed it .....

so her and her boyfriend just went and test drove a used car and came back and asked us if we were still considering buying Sam a car...umm no.....(keep in mind we let her boyfriend live with us for 6 months rent free and HE could have easily taught her how to drive, but she never pushed the issue then either)....

we told her she could go live with her Grandma (who just recently retired and lives buy herself and they are honestly 2 peas in a pod) and she never really said anymore about it.....she spent a whole weekend with her about a month ago and never even mentioned it.....

so we say "why don't you call your Grandma and see if she will help you with a car".....her response "she won't help me"...um probably because you aren't living with her.....so she is gonna call her grandma tonight to see about going to live with her down in Oregon...totally ok with that....

but honestly, did we fail her along the way somewhere? just frustrated cause somehow even though she doesn't say it I feel like I failed as a parent with her....even though I don't think I really did....she has always gotten things she wanted, she does work, she is very grateful, she helps out alot, but somehow she just makes me feel like I did something wrong...like I am doing her an injustice by not buying her a car or teaching her to drive....

so if you made it all they way to the end just needed to vent......

[jacinda]

Oh Angie, she needs to come live in New Zealand. No one buys their kids a car here. LOL. If you want a car here, you save up the money and buy it yourself. Having your parents buy it is not even an option. It is an American thing? There's no entitlement here is all I'm saying. It grates me when kids have an attitude of entitlement. Um, you're 20 - go get a job and earn some money.

[nun69]

yeah it is totally an American thing I think LOL! and honestly my DH was in the Navy for 2 years by the time he turned 20 and I was joining the Navy at 20....funny thing too is I NEVER had a car until well after I had Sam(said DD)!!!! I was like 24 almost...my DH luckily had a truck that his mom bought him after he joined the military (but he was able to maintain it, pay the insurance, etc and she worked at a dealership so got a deal on it)......just frustrates me....DH just went to go talk to her....he said he doesn't understand why she thinks we "owe" her this car.....AND she doesn't even DRIVE!!! especially after we paid for her to go to college for almost 2 years and now she is just gonna quit.....

[marlathrall]

Angie, I'm only 24 so I'm not that much older than your daughter and I am in a completely different life stage. I going to try to say this in the nicest way possible... She needs to realize she's not a kid anymore and get out on her own. It's great that she can live and depend on you guys, but if she doesn't want to do school anymore, I think you should make her move out on her own. When I was 20, I was living alone, paying 100% of my rent and going to school full time. I think it's important life stage for women to get out there and support themselves.

And no, you aren't doing her a disservice by not buying her a car. She apparently doesn't want to drive or she would have pushed the issue long ago.

You guys are awesome parents and I hope none of came out too harshly.

[mrshobbes]

Erm, yeah, if she wants a car, she can go earn for it. Honestly, my husband and I are both 34 and we still don't have a car (living in a metropolis with tons of public transport helps). IF we need one, we borrow my MIL's.

I don't think you failed her. If anything, IF she really wanted something, she could've pushed for it. Let you know. As it is, it sounds like she's letting you second-guess yourself :/

[rach3975]

((Hugs)) You didn't fail her. You would have made time if learning to drive was important to her, but it doesn't seem like it was. And if it is now and you don't have time, she can call a driving school and hire an instructor. My parents did give me their old car for my first car, but it was a college graduation present. No amount of asking, begging, or attempting to strike deals for them to help me buy one made a difference in the 6 years between getting my license and graduating from college. (And trust me, I tried, LOL.)

You didn't say, but is there a reason she suddenly "has to" have a car and learn to drive? Is it an issue of leaving school and needing a way to get to work, or is she just looking for more freedom? If it's the latter, she's old enough to figure out a way for herself without you feeling guilty about it.

[nun69]

you are soo right Marla and none of it came out harsh at all.....I know I was joining the Navy and had been living on my own for a year+ when I was 20.....hopefully DH can get through to her a little better.....she does do ALOT around her for us when it comes to her siblings and stuff, but honestly I feel like that is part of being a "family" and that is what "families" and siblings do for each other.....I guess I just came from such a dysfunctional family and would have LOVED to be in her shoes at her age and had the opportunities that we afford her....just makes me sad

[nun69]

Originally Posted by rach3975

Is it an issue of leaving school and needing a way to get to work, or is she just looking for more freedom? If it's the latter, she's old enough to figure out a way for herself without you feeling guilty about it.

more this than anything....so she can come and go as she pleases....of coarse go to work too, but more freedom than anything...plus she could work more hours if she could drive, but you are honestly right when it comes to her "not making the time" when she could have....I know when I want something, I don't let anything get in my way!!!!

[color of my heart]

why does she need a car if she doesn't drive? i'll never understand that. a lot of kids i grew up with were given cars for their 15th birthday, before they could even get their drivers permits.. so i'll never understand the "why don't i get a car?" mindset when the person doesn't drive. when she learns to drive, then, and only then, can she complain about not having a car.

also, the only reason i have a car is because my mom got a new one. and when it dies, i'll have to buy a new one. that was the deal. if mom hadn't gotten a new car, i wouldn't have this one now. so in a way, it was handed to me. but it's also an older car, and it's got a lot of miles on it. so i didn't get a brand new car like most of my friends did.

[mnm_y2]

Originally Posted by marlathrall

When I was 20, I was living alone, paying 100% of my rent and going to school full time. I think it's important life stage for women to get out there and support themselves. .

This was me too. I moved out a month before turning 20 and had an old Honda. worked full time, and went to school full time and got my apt on my own and paid for it on my own as well. At one point, my super old Honda got stolen from my parking spot!! and i had to get a new one (well, used, but new to me). I had some savings, but not a lot and my brother lent me money at that time which I of course had to pay him back.

[navaja77]

I have no advice. I was an unusual teen in that I was already planning my way thru life by going to college, living on my own & buying a car, getting married, buying a house and then having kids. It never crossed my mind to have my parents buy me a vehicle.

Now, my younger siblings...well, the youngest one is still not on his own (he's 25) and living with me. He's working but still not on his own. Not sure what happened there but at least he's not living with my parents.

[d2vasquez]

I don't think you are a bad parent - having a car comes with responsibilities and if she can't drive - not sure what the reason for a car is. Now I will admit we did get my 16 year a car but her school is 35 minutes away so we needed her to have a car to get where she needed to. We picked the car out and then set the parameters on when and where she can drive it to. She is very good about it and I actually enjoy that she volunteers to run errands for me to help out around the house. Good luck to you on your situation - always tough being a parent.

[MamaBee]

Oh, Angie - you have totally not failed as a parent... it's that age! That generation - they expect that they should have everything that their parents worked 20+ years for, now... but won't/don't work for it.

I have one family member that is this way... wants the big wedding, brand new car, and a house... at the age of 24. Her mom has been footing her bills for the last 6 years (after graduating from high school)... hasn't had to pay a lick of repairs on her car and now is expecting the mom to pay for a new car - how else is she going to get to work? Drives the family nuts!

[glumirk]

When we learned to drive we all had to share the family cars. I drove a big huge van in high school, but it was my parents' car, not mine.

I didn't have a car when I went to college unless my dad was on a work trip. He had to fly out of the Tucson airport and it was cheaper to let me use it for a week than to pay for parking. I had to catch rides with roommates and friends, or take the bus, walk, or ride the bike I bought.

I got engaged when I was 20 and married at 21. His parents gave us a car, but only because it was a junk yard car that his uncle fixed up. We still thought we had to pay them back, but they declined when we tried. He is the youngest of 7. Only 2 of the 5 in my family got cars for college. My brother who needed no excuses when it came to socialization (and we all knew how much he sweated when he would ride his bike...), and my little sister because when she moved out, my parents no longer needed 3 cars.

[marlathrall]

Originally Posted by MamaBee

Oh, Angie - you have totally not failed as a parent... it's that age! That generation - they expect that they should have everything that their parents worked 20+ years for, now... but won't/don't work for it.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with this... even though it's my generation! I don't get it, because I never expected my parents to pay my way, but LOTS of my friends did. I'm going to be completely honest, my parents did pay my cell phone bill up until I got married, but that was it. There is a huge trend of people moving back in with their parents and I just don't get it. I love my Momma, but there is no way I want to live back under her roof. I'm a grown up. lol.

[Jenn Barrette]

I will be 31 this year and can't drive. lol I agree with everyone else here, you didn't fail her at all. Something has shifted for this generation, they don't seem to want to make the effort for the things they want. I moved out at 18, moved somewhere on a bus route to get to work and back, paid rent, paid my own bills etc. It wasn't easy, and I made some mistakes along the way, but I learned lots and found myself in the process.

[maryinaz]

Angie - it's DARN HARD being a parent of older kids! If I could have back my grade school and younger kids, I would so take them in a heartbeat. And my boys are really good. I have no idea how parents with troubled teenagers even survive.

Your daughter sounds like she is also really good - she helps out around the house and with the kids. But It sounds like she is hearing things from her boyfriend/friends about needing a car and it's maybe not all just HER and her wants.

I think just try and keep everything in perspective. You did a good job raising her. This is one bump in the road that will soon smooth out. Once she knows you are not going to buy her a car, she'll have to figure out if that's even really important to her.

Why does she want to quit college? That would bother me more than her wanting a car. Even if she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life (a LOT of kids that age don't) she could still continue to take some core classes and maybe even experiment with some classes/areas she might like without up and quitting altogether.

[Mari Koegelenberg]

I will love my Dad forever for doing this for me. He told me if I want a car I have to get my license. I had to arrange my own driving lessons and learner's etc. He never taught me how to drive but he did teach me to go ahead and do something on my own and if I want it enough I have the 'power' to make it happen.

Angie as a parent you so have not failed sweetie...its just we want to give our kids the world but with that also comes the big negative of them feeling entitled. (((Hugs)))

[Nettio]

Originally Posted by MamaBee

Oh, Angie - you have totally not failed as a parent... it's that age! That generation - they expect that they should have everything that their parents worked 20+ years for, now... but won't/don't work for it.

Even though I'm technically part of this generation, this is exactly what I was going to say. There's a reason it's often referred to as "Generation Me." My little sister and my BIL are 25 & 23 and even their attitudes are so different from mine and Adam's and it's only a 5-7 year age difference.

In the past year, there was this whole fuss because the old car my parents originally bought my sister when she graduated college died and she didn't have the money to replace it. So what happens? My parents were actually talking about spending $10,000 of their own money to buy her nicer car! Umm, seriously?? At 25 I was married and owned a house and I didn't see anyone offering me that kind of money for a car. In my sister's defense, I think it has a lot to do with my parents generosity more than her expecting it but I also think for this generation, having someone bail them out is somewhat expected because they grew up with helicopter parents who'd swoop in to save them from any possible hardship. I am very grateful for all the times my parents helped me out, but at some point as a child, it has to be on you to act like an adult and make things work. If you want something bad enough you'll figure out how to make it happen and if not, it's probably not actually as important to you as you thought.

So to answer your question Angie, no I don't think you've failed as a parent at all. If you really haven't had time to teach her drive, I might offer to split the cost of driving lessons with her but then leave it on her to figure out the car situation. Especially if she quits school but is living at home, there's no reason she can't get some kind of job and save up for a car.

[anneofalamo]

American here, and I bought my first car! $500 VW, lol and my 16 year old bought his on his own too. He worked wicked hard for it. His brothers and sisters know that this is the only way having their own vehicle will happen.
I am a lover of teaching my kids to drive...for pure selfish reasons, but I love to say, here is the debit card, here are my keys, please do my grocery shopping while I scrap! I start at 14, backing up, parking the car and then the trips learning get longer and longer. They can get their learners permit at 15 here in my state.

[mrshobbes]

Originally Posted by Nettio

Even though I'm technically part of this generation, this is exactly what I was going to say. There's a reason it's often referred to as "Generation Me." My little sister and my BIL are 25 & 23 and even their attitudes are so different from mine and Adam's and it's only a 5-7 year age difference.

Oh I can totally relate. My sister and I are only 6 years apart, but oh man there really is a different mindset workin over there. :/

[nun69]

Mary the only trouble with her "changing her mind or taking other classes" is my GI Bill is being used for her to go to school and the very strict rules on how to use it (so people don't go to college forever and get nothing out of it) and so she just can't take more random classes without having a degree plan. So my DH and I have decided that whatever she wants to do from now on is all in her court. She thinks she might want to go to cosmetology school (and I am totally ok with that), but we aren't paying for it. The school is about 30 mins away so she will have to figure out where to live and if nothing else live close enough to walk to the school (which she has already started looking at)....I am all about her going to a school and learning a "trade" that I think she will do well at, but I am done paying her way. And we DID pay for her to take driving lessons when she was 16 in high school. So she does work and we also pay her $100 every 2 weeks for helping out with her siblings and getting them off to school every morning. So she has had plenty of opportunity to "save" that money so I don't really feel that guilty about not buying her a car or not teaching her to drive. She could have easily done some research on taking some driving lessons locally and I would gladly take her there and drop her off and pick her up. But she hasn't even doen that. I love her to death and I know she is very smart, but she really needs to get up off her ass and get motivated LOL! The best way for her to avoid having to do chores and watch her siblings is to move out and move on LOL! I think her boyfriend is ojne of the worst parts about her "moving on" because he has basically been living rent free between his dad/step mom, mom/stepdad and us since graduation 2011. So honestly I hope she moves to Oregon to live with her Grandma so there can be ALOT of miles between them because it would be good for her.....

[jaylensmom]

This is similar to my cousin's son, after high school didn't have the desire to do anything... finally his grandparents told him he had 2 choices...military or school...he chose to go to barber school which was a few hours from home...they ded pay for his apartment and school (they could afford it) and he is doing so much better...It made him grow up...Your daughter will get it together...sometimes some of us have to be pushed to grow up.

[jessica31876]

My daughter cops an attitude with me still and she chose to move out at 18 just after graduating. I feel the way you do though only about my youngest because with the other two I was always talking about being independent and doing stuff yourself. With him though my husband and I do so much for him. That is what aggravates my daughter. She feels I baby him and never did that with her. I told her she was always more independent and wanted to do stuff on her own even if I did offer to help she usually said no. Oh and fwiw I don't drive at all. I mean I have a license but I don't drive. I can tell you I don't because Im deathly afraid of it. Hoping you figure it out. Also we only bought our middle son a vehicle. We did because we could afford it and our middle son did a ton of stuff for us. Our daughter never helped at all with anything really. So I felt like our son more then earned his vehicle. He died before he was able to drive it though. He was almost 18 and was getting his license once he turned 18. I think if our daughter worked as much around the house and helped as much as her brother did we might have thought about helping her get a car too. Well we kinda did help her as we paid her registration, tags & title on her first car. But other then that we did not help her at all. Not with anything when she moved out. She is 21 now and in school to be a nurse and working full time/over time many weeks.

[jessica31876]

just one more suggestion for your daughter Angie...have you looked into Job Corps? It is a great program in my opinion for kids who aren't sure what they want to do but dont want to do college. She can learn many trades and as far as I know they pay you in addition to training you and giving you a place to live while learning your trade. My daughter is a pharmacy technician. She worked 47 hours last week and gets paid 10 dollars an hour. My husband was a mechanic/auto body tech. Never went to school and he made 1000+ most weeks when he was working. Trades are great places to start IMO to figure out what you really want to do. It only took my daughter a couple weeks to study to get her pharmacy tech certification and she got paid by CVS to study and go to classes. So it cost her absolutely nothing to get it. My husband learned his trade through working in the trade and because his dad worked in that field as did his grandfather.

[nun69]

Jessica I totally agree with you on the :learning a trade" thing...I think it would be to her best interest to do something like that....I really think it would be best for her to move down with her Grandma (we all have a great relationship) and Matt's whole family (both brothers and their families) all live there so she definitely wouldn't be lonely and I KNOW they would all look after her if she wanted to do something. I think she just needs to get away from "home"....I think she feels like we/siblings hold her back, but really we don't...if she wants to do something, all she has to do is let us know in advance and we make arrangements for her siblings (as we should) but she ALWAYS decides she wants to do something the day before or 2 days before...sorry we just can't make those kinds of arrangements that fast....so honestly I think it will be better for ALL of us cause it just seems to cause friction between all of us at home....